Did you or your child have a mentor/older friend? How did that turn out?

[Buckalew11]

I think so too -- I'm happy for both of them.

I feel very lucky that she has another person in her life who encourages her, especially to be herself. Today was her first day of school and she whipped off a message to him about how much she hated to go back (she wants to skip elementary school and go right to college ). His response came right back: do your best anyway.

I agree about keeping an eye peeled -- not just the appropriateness issue, but I'm sure there are a lot of others that could come up.

ut-oh... BTDT. When mine finally gets into college, I am not sure how they are going to get her to leave!!

 

[redrosesix]

ut-oh... BTDT. When mine finally gets into college, I am not sure how they are going to get her to leave!!

Too funny! maybe our girls aren't "normal", but if my DD ends up being anything like yours when she's a teen, I think I'll be very proud.

Maybe these little overachievers need an older friend more than others?

 

[Buckalew11]

Oh, that's definitely true. She's always had more in common with older kids and people. I've joked with her dad and said when she's in college she'll have to go to the nursing home to find friends.

Honestly, she's wonderful to have around and be around. But it has been a heartache at times when her friends are huge Hanna Montana/HSM fans and she's reading medical books about medical prefixes for fun before bed at night. lol

 

[redrosesix]

I've noticed since DD has been hanging out with her "big brother" that she's also better with younger kids -- she's become the favourite of all the toddlers at the campground. Sooooo much more patient.

I had to laugh about your DD reading medical books in bed. My DD is planning to be a dolphin trainer (after a stint as a Disney lifeguard -- she's already learning the dances for the "Changing of the Guard" by watching them on Youtube).

BTW, have fun at the football game Sat. I

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

I don't think I would feel comfy. I am overprotective and I would have to wonder why a 19 year old would want to hang out with a 9 year old, what would they have in common?

This might be totally OT, but I think in today's society kids grow up so fast and I am really unsure of why that is. Is it TV? Is it school? siblings? Music videos? Natural curiosity? Who knows really, I would just be afraid that my DD would be trying to act an age that she is not, KWIM? And the gender difference.

 

[redrosesix]

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[NEM]

Ummm....not to question what you have already answered. But this happened with my cousin and her karate teacher...and it ended up with him taking advantage when she was 12 or 13 and they developed a sexual relationship that lasted until my aunt found out. Not good.

My aunt said everything you are saying...but it still happened...not at 9....but after a few years...

Im just saying....

 

[redrosesix]

Ummm....not to question what you have already answered. But this happened with my cousin and her karate teacher...and it ended up with him taking advantage when she was 12 or 13 and they developed a sexual relationship that lasted until my aunt found out. Not good.

My aunt said everything you are saying...but it still happened...not at 9....but after a few years...

Im just saying....

Yes, unfortunately, things like this happen. Which is why I'll always be vigilant, with anybody. BTW, I would have still said the guy in that case was a pedophile (assuming it's also a vast difference in age) and that your cousin was repeatedly sexually assaulted.

JMHO, but with the age difference, there is always a power difference. My influence will always have to be greater than his, even if I think he is doing nothing wrong and has only her best interests in mind.

Although I'm more worried she'll turn her back on him if he comments negatively on her choice of friends or boys or anything when she becomes a rebellious teen -- IMO, not a good enough reason to lose a good friend. I think there are alot of things to look out for as time goes on.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think having a mentor may very well make it more likely for you to be a mentor when you get older because you know how much you enjoyed having the older person in your life and you want to do the same for someone else.

 

[redrosesix]

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[NEM]

Yes, unfortunately, things like this happen. Which is why I'll always be vigilant, with anybody. BTW, I would have still said the guy in that case was a pedophile (assuming it's also a vast difference in age) and that your cousin was repeatedly sexually assaulted.

yep...and that is how it was handled...but at 13...she thought she was "in love"...she was also a great kid, straight A's, involved parents, etc...

it was ultimately a huge mess.

Good luck...stay vigilant...and alone time is not a good thing...

 

[redrosesix]

yep...and that is how it was handled...but at 13...she thought she was "in love"...she was also a great kid, straight A's, involved parents, etc...

it was ultimately a huge mess.

Good luck...stay vigilant...and alone time is not a good thing...

I hear what you're saying, and to a point I agree. But they're at the base pool -- an outdoor pool that has at least one lifeguard on duty at all times.

But I often wonder if we sometimes become too paranoid about this. Most of the people I have met who were abused were abused by a relative. There was also a cub leader in our city who was convicted of abusing young boys, and then a bunch of priests in a province close to ours...

I guess what I'm trying to say is: can we just put a red letter on the bad guys so we'll all know who they are, and then we can trust everybody else? It makes me pretty sad that we have to worry about things like this all of the time. But then again, I think I should be able to leave my doors unlocked and have nobody break into my house.

I think that no matter what I allow or don't allow, it's more important for me to work with my DD on this end. Whether she is at risk from an older friend, a teacher, some boy at a high school party, or some stranger walking down the street, empowering her is probably the most important thing I'll do. I can't always be with her, even at this age. I don't want to make her scared of the world (studies have shown that kids who appear more vulnerable are more likely to be abused or abducted) but as she's given more freedom, she'll be given more information.

 

[redrosesix]

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[3jsmommy]

I hear what you're saying, and to a point I agree.

But I often wonder if we sometimes become too paranoid about this. Most of the people I have met who were abused were abused by a relative. There was also a cub leader in our city who was convicted of abusing young boys, and then a bunch of priests in a province close to ours...

I guess what I'm trying to say is: can we just put a red letter on the bad guys so we'll all know who they are, and then we can trust everybody else?

I think that no matter what I allow or don't allow, it's more important for me to work with my DD on this end. Whether she is at risk from an older friend, a teacher, some boy at a high school party, or some stranger walking down the street, empowering her is probably the most important thing I'll do. I can't always be with her, even at this age. I don't want to make her scared of the world (studies have shown that kids who appear more vulnerable are more likely to be abused or abducted) but as she's given more freedom, she'll be given more information.

It seems that you really don't want to hear anything but good stories. Of course their will be be differing opinions and stories. I had friendships as a child with older teens and it was innocent, but I also knew a young boy who had an older teen take advantage of him & it was really bad. (the "mentor" was a lifeguard btw)
Maybe I'm reading this wrong but you seem either very excited by this relationship or uncomfortable with it. I don't think it's neccessarily an only or first child thing, I always conversed easily with adults & I am from a large family. I think I may have been mature for my age & I found adults more interesting. Chances are that he's just a really nice guy, but I wouldn't get wrapped up too much in any friendship at that age. Your daughter will have a lot of friends through the years & I would probably try to downplay it if anything. It doesn't sound like they have been friends that long, so why are you so passionate about this?

 

[LuvOrlando]

I don't know if this is what your looking for but my kids have me. It's a position I simply adore and have absolutely no intention of sharing and so far it seems to be working out just fine

My DD is quick to point out that I am her best friend in the world and I am equally vigilant about pointing out to her that while I am hers, she is not mine because while she can tell me anything I can not tell her everything. She gets the difference, so does my DS and it's all good here.

The rule in my house is my kids are not to hang out with anyone more than 2-3 years older with them. Maybe its unkind but IMO if there is any greater an age difference among the under 20 group then the older person is broken somehow and seeks younger friends because he/she has been rejected by their peers. I would never allow it.

 

[redrosesix]

It seems that you really don't want to hear anything but good stories. Of course their will be be differing opinions and stories. I had friendships as a child with older teens and it was innocent, but I also knew a young boy who had an older teen take advantage of him & it was really bad. (the "mentor" was a lifeguard btw)
Maybe I'm reading this wrong but you seem either very excited by this relationship or uncomfortable with it. I don't think it's neccessarily an only or first child thing, I always conversed easily with adults & I am from a large family. I think I may have been mature for my age & I found adults more interesting. Chances are that he's just a really nice guy, but I wouldn't get wrapped up too much in any friendship at that age. Your daughter will have a lot of friends through the years & I would probably try to downplay it if anything. It doesn't sound like they have been friends that long, so why are you so passionate about this?

No, that's not it -- but every negative post is about the risk of inappropriate behaviour and IMO there are risks of this everywhere (and that really, really sucks)

I would like to hear stories about similar relationships that went wrong somewhere. I realize that both of them will change as time goes on, and I'm wondering if there are pitfalls that can be avoided.

And it is helpful, of course, to hear about similar relationships that remained positive. I've been talking to a lot of people about this topic this week, and I'm now realizing that there are some vast cultural differences regarding how individuals and communities support younger people and children as they grow up. Perhaps it really does take a village to raise a child, and maybe every member of the village can play a positive role in some way.

 

[redrosesix]

I don't know if this is what your looking for but my kids have me. It's a position I simply adore and have absolutely no intention of sharing and so far it seems to be working out just fine

My DD is quick to point out that I am her best friend in the world and I am equally vigilant about pointing out to her that while I am hers, she is not mine because while she can tell me anything I can not tell her everything. She gets the difference, so does my DS and it's all good here.

The rule in my house is my kids are not to hang out with anyone more than 2-3 years older with them. Maybe its unkind but IMO if there is any greater an age difference among the under 20 group then the older person is broken somehow and seeks younger friends because he/she has been rejected by their peers. I would never allow it.

That's pretty much the way I used to feel. I've decided that sharing a little bit is ok.

You have an interesting rule -- that wouldn't work for me, though, because I don't want my DD acting like a young teen IMO she's around them enough through her sports. JMHO, I'm more comfortable with a bigger age difference ie somebody more mature, a person who is more like a sitter than a friend, and somebody who accepts her as she is. If it was an older person who wanted to play with her on her level, like her 9 yo friends -- the answer would be absolutely no.

 

[LuvOrlando]

No flames but I read dozens of stories in the news that start out remarkable similar to this one. If it was easy to pick out the kooks from normal people kids would never get hurt. Not all kids who get hurt come from negligent families so thinking if you're really careful it can be avoided isn't always reliable. If a child is close to his/her abuser the kid can easily be manipulated into covering tracks so the signs you would normally look for might not be there. Abusers often spend years grooming a victim and the child's parents before things go wrong.

Just be careful

 

[Buckalew11]

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[Mouse House Mama]

No, I would not encourage this friendship outside of practices etc. I don't care what anyone says it does not sound right to me at all.