Did you allow your child to quit band mid-year?

[4forMe]

I am feeling so conflicted about this issue!

Oldest DS is in middle school and has been in band for a little over 2 years. He wanted to quit at the end of last year, but the band director talked him into giving it another year.

This year has been a nightmare. Band is not a class at school. It's considered an extracurricular activity and meets 1 hour and 15 minutes prior to the start of the school day every day. Getting him up in the morning has been a nightmare. He has just lost his passion for it and wants to quit. He is also dead set against doing marching band in high school. DS also has a lot of other interests/activities to keep him busy.

I guess part of me is having a hard time with this because I did marching band and it was a highlight of my high school years. I'm realizing it's not to be for him.

DH and I are usually the type to tell our children they have to stick out their commitment to an activity. However, in this case, we are doing the rent to own program. Having to shell out a monthly fee for something he doesn't want to do makes no sense to me. Also, he is not graded as band is not a class in our district so he can drop out at any time.

I am dreading writing the email to the band director. I don't know what to say. I just want to get his instrument returned while we are on break this week and write the band director next week when he returns to school.

Anyone else go through this before? Any advice?

 

[Darcy03231]

I'm usually a make them stick it out parent, but in this case where he wanted to quit at the end of last year and was talked into another year, I would let him quit now.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Let's see.....he hates, it is not for a grade and it costs you money.

OP this is a no brainer. Let him quit.

 

[cornflake]

I'd generally say stick it out too but given he wanted to quit, did try again and now still hates it... yeah.

I'd have HIM write the band director though, he's in the band, he's quitting the band, of his own accord, why're you writing?

 

[Diegosmom]

I would make him go to the band director and quit.

And I would normally make my kid stick out the season/year (we just did this with soccer) but since he wanted to quit at the end of the year I think the half way point would be fine to drop out.

 

[Southernmiss]

Went through this with middle DS and gymnastics. He did gym for about 1 and a half years, and was quite good at it.

But he started to get picked on for being a guy and in gymnastics (he was about 8 and a half or 9 years old) and asked me every month right after I had paid for that month-- $140-- to quit. I would say I just paid for this month you have to stick it out.

He is now 14 and has no regrets. I on the other hand wonder how good he may have gotten.

 

[kacaju]

As a parent I totally understand the *you started something..you have to stick it out until the end*
But...As a leader of a 4-H club..I really do not like it when I have kids who a forced to stay with the club. They have no interest in being there and it shows...Since your son asked to quit last year and was talked into staying..I would let him quit.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Went through this with middle DS and gymnastics. He did gym for about 1 and a half years, and was quite good at it.

But he started to get picked on for being a guy and in gymnastics (he was about 8 and a half or 9 years old) and asked me every month right after I had paid for that month-- $140-- to quit. I would say I just paid for this month you have to stick it out.

He is now 14 and has no regrets. I on the other hand wonder how good he may have gotten.

It amazes me on how cruel kids can be

 

[StephMK]

I would let him quit. 1.5 hrs before school every day and the money would be my deciding factors.

We have pretty much let the kids quit one thing and after that, they are stuck til the end. DD quit viola in 4th grade after 3 months - it was expensive to me for something that she really disliked. She has taken baritone for over a year and loved it at first but doesn't like the MS band director this year. She is stuck til year end then we'll re-evaluate.

If kids aren't quitting every thing they try, I think it's ok to stop something that is really not a good fit or not enjoyable anymore.

 

[clh2]

Please, oh please, let him quit.

To have this "shoved down your throat" is not the way to get a child to develop a life-long appreciation for music. Trust me, I know.

I actually forged a note to the high school - and essentially "dropped" myself out of orchestra. mid-sophomore year. Never got in trouble. I am now 50. Not sure why my parents never figured it out. I just hated it so much. And while in this day and age it would be totally inappropriate - the orchestra director was dating someone in the orchestra. EWWW - it was probably inappropriate then too

To this day - I still do not have an appreciation for music. I had church choir, piano lessons, trumpet and violin shoved down my throat. Still makes me shudder.

When DD was "done" with band, I let her quit too. Trust me - best decision ever. She was a sophomore, and she quit at the semester, and band really - it interefered with the academic classes she wanted to take.

 

[YodaGirl]

There are a lot of facets to that issue.

What part of high school marching band does he detest, which has made him dead set against doing it? I think that would be my major question.

Having been in high school band yourself, you know that there is a big difference between high school marching band and middle school band.

My jr high band director always said that we should at least try high school band before quitting. That would be my hesitation in letting him quit now.

That said...if he is just absolutely dead set against marching band, you're out money every month, and it's in between semesters (no marching holes because he dropped; no issues with solos/parts being covered because he dropped), I'd let him.

I'm also a big believer in sticking it out, but if you're just paying money for him to be miserable, and it's at a time where he won't effect the band, I'd have him contact the director.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

If it was either of my kids, they would have to stick it out for the rest of the year.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

I would take him out b/c getting a teen up that early for something they don't even like is a bad idea. He needs to get more sleep so that he can do better in school and not be so tired at night when doing homework. I know my teen would not like to get up that early EVERY DAY even for something she liked.

Maybe there is another music program he could do somewhere else or in the summer only?

 

[Jedana]

Our rule is you finish out the year (or season). There was a commitment made and needs to be honored.

 

[luvmy3]

If he was my child he would have to finish out the year. He made the decision in the beginning of the year to continue take band even knowing he really didn't want to. As a middle schooler he should be responsible enough to honor the commitment he made, and he needs to make the best of it for the rest of the year. (that is what I would say to my child, I'm not telling you what you should feel).

 

[Greyhound22]

I totally understand all of the reasons stated above. I agree with most of them. I'm a middle school teacher myself and I say let him hang it up. If it was a new thought (quitting), I'd say make him honor the commitment. I might even say that if it was a school-sponsored activity. But, to have to get up early to go in to something he has no passion for (and you asked for him to give another shot) makes no sense to me.

Further more, I can't believe that Band is not a school-sponsored activity and not graded. That is unbelievable to me. I've taught at 3 different middle schools in Illinois and all had great Band programs that were graded and a class in our school day.

Most of the research that I've read (being a Health teacher) says that the teenagers brain is not on the same schedule as an adult. They prefer to stay up later and then in turn sleep later. Not as we perceive that they are "lazy". Just different. The reason I bring it up is the extra 1:15 minutes of sleep everyday will most definitely come in handy as far as his learning is concerned. I bet he'll go to sleep at the same time he always has and in turn benefit from the extra sleep.

Along with that point -- the extra sleep is unbelievably important. Look up some of the research along with getting enough sleep for children. It is truly amazing the benefits that children receive when getting extra sleep.

Again, the only reason I bring up the sleep information is to give you another thing to think about. It is you and your husbands decision...but there are always other ways to look at it.

 

[Ceila]

While I am usually a "you made the commitment, you need to stick with it" kind of parent, in this case I would not go that route. I don't know what the band director might have said to talk him in to sticking with it, but I know they can be a bit intimidating, especially to someone in middle school. I don't know if the director had your son's best interest in mind, or if he/she was more motivated to keep numbers up. I'm NOT saying that all band directors are like this (I loved being in band and had some great directors). However, some do push too hard when a child really has lost interest, and that's not fair to the child or the other members of the band.

Given what happened before when he tried to quit, I would either have your son send an e-mail or talk to the director himself but with you present. That way you can be sure he doesn't get talked into doing something he really doesn't want to again.

Finally, make sure he doesn't feel bad about not wanting to continue. It's all a learning experience, and now he has learned that when he knows his true mind, he'll have to stand up for himself even if someone in a position of authority tries to talk him into something.

 

[stsomewhere]

I would let him quit when the semester ends.

I was in band and hated it.

 

[disykat]

Quitting at the end of a semester means he has already stuck it out for a "season" IMO. No need to make him do another "season."

If he enjoys his instrument at all, I'd try to find another venue to keep him playing though. If it's anything like our district he can get right back in for high school unless he's lost ALL his skill!

My boys are very musical and I am also, at times, a music teacher. I let my oldest quit school band altogether before his senior year because it didn't fit in his schedule. He got to do some other things senior year and he played in a community group to maintain his skill. He's now happily playing at college. My younger son quit jazz band in the middle of the year. He still is in regular band and marching, but jazz band was making him unhappy about all of it! Quitting jazz band got him back on track.

I wanted my kids in music and "forced" two years of homeschooled piano at which point they were allowed to choose to continue or not, and then "forced" two years of band after which they could choose. Both honored my wishes and had passed that point when they started to want to drop out of things. I then honored their wishes.

Two years + is a good enough run to know whether it will become a passion for him IMO.

 

[HM]

I let my DD leave Strings class at the end of first semester in 8th grade. She changed to a life skills class and loved it. It was a class for a grade and she was making As but knew she would not continue into high school because of the teacher there.