Did I miss something? It's now acceptable to have a baby shower for the second baby?

[4greatboys]

She said if ever there was a time she needed a shower it would be now. My point was that if you're even thinking along those lines, perhaps you need to give some thought to the long term financial impact of having a child.

Yes I saw where she said that. It did not say to me that she couldnt afford to buy her child anything or that she couldnt afford another child.
She has 2 other kids so Im sure she is aware of the finances that go with kids.
2 of my boys are 2 years apart so that pretty much meant two of everything. We could afford the items but its always nice to get a gift that helps you out. It in no way means you can afford the child but every little bit helps.

 

[ReneeQ]

Sheesh! A lot can happen in a thread when you go to work! I am the OP for this thread and have spent the last hour reading all these replies. Some of them are quite hilarious.

To comment on a few things - no, the mom-to-be isn't hosting her own shower. The shower is being given by a good friend of hers and by her husband's cousin. I have no idea who all has been invited to this shower, but KNOW some of them (me!) were invited to the shower I gave for her two years ago. I also don't think it's a "small get together" as the invitations are professionally printed, with a vellum overlay, and tied with pink ribbons.

I disagree with some of these posts, as, to me at least, a SHOWER means a gift is expected. A SHOWER is to shower the guest of honor with gifts. That's where the term came from. And the wording of this invitation makes it pretty clear, as it reads:

Diapers and bibs, bottles and more
that's what baby showers are for

A shower honoring Jane Smith
and the arrival of Baby Smith

And at the very bottom, printed ON the invitation is:

Registered at Target

I appreciate all these replies and admit maybe I was too harsh in calling it this shower "tacky." This IS a first for me, as I have never before been invited to a shower for a second child. But after reading all these replies, I have realized that just because I've never been to one, doesn't make it wrong. I really like what a lot of you had to say.

As an FYI, I did a search on "Emily Post" and found this:

Q. Is it proper etiquette for an expectant mother to host a baby shower for her 2nd baby?

A. While it is never appropriate for someone to host a shower (baby or bridal) for themselves, it is perfectly fine to throw a baby shower for a mother’s second or third baby, as long as the guest list is limited to close relatives and very close friends and/or guests who did not attend a shower for the first child. It is an especially nice event for the mother-to-be if several years have passed since the last baby was born, since the parents will have fewer hand-me-downs for the new arrival. Location can also play a part. When a growing family has moved to another city or town, it makes sense for their new friends to throw a shower, regardless of how many children the parents have.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

As an FYI, I did a search on "Emily Post" and found this:

Q. Is it proper etiquette for an expectant mother to host a baby shower for her 2nd baby?

A. While it is never appropriate for someone to host a shower (baby or bridal) for themselves, it is perfectly fine to throw a baby shower for a mother’s second or third baby, as long as the guest list is limited to close relatives and very close friends and/or guests who did not attend a shower for the first child. It is an especially nice event for the mother-to-be if several years have passed since the last baby was born, since the parents will have fewer hand-me-downs for the new arrival. Location can also play a part. When a growing family has moved to another city or town, it makes sense for their new friends to throw a shower, regardless of how many children the parents have.

Well slap myself silly--I tried searching her site and couldn't find it...so I do appreciate you finding the "official etiquette" ruling on that.

Now let's put this baby to bed.

 

[DVC Sadie]

She said if ever there was a time she needed a shower it would be now. My point was that if you're even thinking along those lines, perhaps you need to give some thought to the long term financial impact of having a child.

ITA!!

Please tell me how much is too much. No ONE on this thread wants to address the issue of selling all of the 1st childs belongings on EBAY. Guess what ? We have witnessed all of the shenanigans of selling and expecting others to AGAIN furnish for the nursery! Sorry, it is not going to happen. Sometimes ENOUGH really is enough. If a person needs to THINK about how many children they can comfortably afford without help from other people then IT's A GOOD THING!

 

[Jams421]

And at the very bottom, printed ON the invitation is:

Registered at Target

I think that is tacky.

 

[jennifer293]

I don't think it is tacky to list where the mother to be is registered ONLY because I would much rather be able to pull a registry than have to hunt the mother down and see what she needs. I will only buy something from the registry or something they have told me they want or need because as someone stated earlier you end up getting something you cannot use or don't need and it cannot be taken back.

****YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG WITH DIAPERS!!!!

 

[runwad]

I had 3 kids all 2 years apart and only had 1 shower for the first. I did receive baby gifts from friends and family for #2 & #3. My gripe is mom's that have kids then sell off all their baby items and then have another shower when they get pregnant 3 or 4 years later. Hey people if my basement and attic are filled with bins of baby clothes and items just in case we have another I think everyone should have to put up with all the clutter , not profit by selling baby items then have someone turn around and give them a shower because they don't have anything....those are the kinds of second showers that get me. But I totally understand that 9 times out of 10 it's the friends doing this and not the expectant mother.

 

[disney4us2002]

I have never even heard of anyone hinting that a second or more shower was anything other than a celebration of a new life. My youngest son (of three) is nearly 10. I didn't know the sex of any of my boys prior to delivery (obviously, that is no longer the norm) and had small get togethers with close girlfriends with baby #2 and #3 and got onesies and toys and blankets, etc.

People have very different ideas of showers and gifts. I honestly don't know of anyone who had a shower to "furnish" a nursery. The majority of gifts given at showers in my circle are not more than $50. Not even my parents or in-laws gave $500-1000 gifts - wow! I realize I'm a bit anal but I didn't want anyone picking out or purchasing furniture, strollers, carseats, etc. for a child of mine.

Anyone ever catch the show Sweet 16 (maybe not the name) about the crazy-rich people throwing these elaborate affairs for their dd's 16th birthdays? I bet that crowd knows how to throw a baby shower!!

 

[jmay127]

I am from the South, have always thought 2nd plus showers were tacky because as previous poster stated I always take a gift when visiting or sending if too far away (so I am celebrating the child's arrival), and was always told that family was not supposed to give any kind of shower.

So just my two cents from two different perspectives...

For DS1 I was given 2 showers - one at my work & one by best friend...
7 years later, different city, DH coworkers gave us a shower for DS2 (We did feel uncomfortable & we tried to decline but it was his boss hosting. I had also gotten rid of all baby items except crib as it was one of those beds that grow w/your child). My coworkers tried but I explained already had one for DS1 so they took me to lunch before I was due & gave me gifts with me thanking them & letting them know they had done too much already with just those gestures (hint, hint - not looking for a 2nd gift when visiting which they understood though still brought flowers).

Meanwhile an friend who I have contact with off/on has 5 kids & showers for all of them. I gave the one for her oldest. Then she had showers hosted by inlaws, church, etc with 2-5. I've been invited to all of them whether or not it was a time we were in contact or I lived nearby. I attended the 2nd one & still took another gift to the hospital, didn't go to the 3rd but sent a gift, & finally didn't go to the 4th/5th or send a gift as we had not even been in contact. Her 3 youngest are back to back & same sex & it felt like gift grabbing/double dipping because here you do not show up to visit w/o a gift. And your expected, and want, to visit.

I guess what I am saying goes w/Emily Post quote...a large time elapse (& not just to excuse myself) between babies or w/a different group of people but to keep after the same people whether or not you're still in contact seems a bit much...again just my opinion.

 

[Littlemotherhaywood]

Sorry, I haven't made it through the whole thread, but I wanted to add my input I never had a shower for my dd, but my mil and dh's aunt threw me a small shower for my son. I'm terribly awkward at receiving gifts, but it made me feel special all the same. I think showers are for celebrating the birth of a new baby and personally, I don't feel anyone should be expected to bring a gift, although that's the custom. I don't see any reason why a gathering of friends and family is a problem for every child. I agree that the woman in question probably has most everything she could need. We only needed a few things, but we didn't know what we were having and our dd was born in the winter, our son in the spring....so he obviously got new clothing (mostly yellow,lol). I also know that whether there is a shower or not, I will buy a gift for someone I know that is having a baby. Now I certainly didn't register as my shower was a surprise and I wouldn't have registered anyway even if I had known. The people that bother me are the people who expect gifts.

 

[gris gris]

ITA!!

Please tell me how much is too much. No ONE on this thread wants to address the issue of selling all of the 1st childs belongings on EBAY. Guess what ? We have witnessed all of the shenanigans of selling and expecting others to AGAIN furnish for the nursery! Sorry, it is not going to happen. Sometimes ENOUGH really is enough. If a person needs to THINK about how many children they can comfortably afford without help from other people then IT's A GOOD THING!

I'm really surprised that some people are associating a baby shower with financially being able to support a child?? Come on...people are not asking others to financially support their children. It's a traditional event just like a bridal shower, a 16th birthday party, a baptism....And can you honestly tell me there is a time in everyone's life when they all of a sudden realize they can support a child????? If you're waiting for the "right time" to come along to have a baby and you think you can support it forever, you're never going to have a family. Jobs change, salaries change, people get laid off, etc.....

My point is - DH & I can support our family with no help. I'm not having a 2nd shower just because I really could care less about it. However having a 2nd shower should have nothing to do with your finances. It's a celebration. You have a birthday every year, right?? Many kids & adults expect a birthday present every year. But go ahead, I'm sure you'll tell me you don't expect a birthday present!

 

[kpm76]

I'm really surprised that some people are associating a baby shower with financially being able to support a child?? Come on...people are not asking others to financially support their children. It's a traditional event just like a bridal shower, a 16th birthday party, a baptism....And can you honestly tell me there is a time in everyone's life when they all of a sudden realize they can support a child????? If you're waiting for the "right time" to come along to have a baby and you think you can support it forever, you're never going to have a family. Jobs change, salaries change, people get laid off, etc.....

My point is - DH & I can support our family with no help. I'm not having a 2nd shower just because I really could care less about it. However having a 2nd shower should have nothing to do with your finances. It's a celebration. You have a birthday every year, right?? Many kids & adults expect a birthday present every year. But go ahead, I'm sure you'll tell me you don't expect a birthday present!

While I understand what you are saying and much of what you say is absolutely true, the part that rubs me the wrong way is when people say "I really need a shower because I am having a girl this time and all I have are boy things" or something along those lines. It's the expectation that others should step up because of your needs and wants. Of course I expect a brithday present from my husband, parents and maybe siblings but I do not expect one every year from friends and other relatives. The point is that when someone close to you has a milestone event, you acknowledge it. But that does not mean I have to send baby gifts, wedding gifts, birthday gifts to everyone I know. As I mentioned in a previous post, I think some of us are comparing two different types of events. My idea of a shower is a big deal celebration where you invite lots of people, some of whom you see on a regular basis and some of whom you do not. That's just what a shower is around here and it's only for the first birth. If my friend has a baby and a few of us get together to take her out or have her over to one of our houses to celebrate, you bet I am going to "shower" her with gifts, whether it's her first or tenth baby. But I would not call that a shower...it's a get together.

 

[kimbac3]

I've had one for each of my children. They are only three years apart. I didn't throw them, friends and family did. Actually I had 2 for my youngest, the church I was attending gave me one and family gave me one. They were surprises to me. I really think my family just loves babies. Having showers for every baby is pretty much the norm here. I don't mind. If I'm close enough to feel obligated to go tho the shower, chances are I would have bought the baby something anyway!
Kimba

 

[dizagain]

She said if ever there was a time she needed a shower it would be now. My point was that if you're even thinking along those lines, perhaps you need to give some thought to the long term financial impact of having a child.

??? Sorry, that's stretching things a bit! I'm 37 and JOYFULLY expecting child #3 - a boy - 10 years after the youngest of two DD's was born.

Guess what I have in my baby storage...one box of special toys and books and one box of special clothing from DD's. That's it. If I had any of the "stuff" it probably wouldn't matter anyway because much of it would not be "safe" anymore. May I chime in and quote her? " If ever there was a time I need a shower it would be now!" Not because I haven't thought of the "long term financial impact of having a child"...we'll be fine, thanks. I think she was partly joking - don't think she expects the world to pay her child's expenses, but every little bit helps!

Am I having a shower? Not that I know of, but believe me both grandmoms are shopping already and I APPRECIATE it. I don't feel guilty about that at all!

 

[babiesX2]

I've read many posts with something along the lines of "gifts aren't expected," "a shower is a celebration of new life," yada, yada, yada. . .

I peeked in my handy Webster's dictionary and shower is defined as "4. a party for the giving of gifts, as to a bride." It just isn't logical to me to have a "shower" but not expect gifts. If you really don't expect gifts, and your true intent is to celebrate the new life then call it a "Birth Celebration Party" or something else along those lines. BTW, I buy gifts for 2nd and consecutive children thereafter. I just don't patronize the "shower."

I became fed up with the abuse of showersand such a few years ago when I was invited to a "housewarming" for an unmarried couple who got an apartment together. I have gotten invitations to showers for 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies from people who work in the same hospital as me that I don't even know. These people wouldn't know me if I jumped up in their face and said, "Boo!" I've received invitations to showers for 1st babies of people I don't even remember (my mom or sister will remind me of who they are). I get confused as to how they even got my address!

Registries are another annoyance with me. I've seen the pregnant women mowing people down to zap every bar code in sight with that stupid registry gun at Babies R Us and Target. Lydia's occupational therapist mentioned to me several times (she got married a few months ago) all the many places she was registered at for her wedding gifts. Is that really appropriate to be squeezing your patient's parents for wedding gifts? (BTW, we weren't invited to any of the 4 showers or the wedding.) It has all just gotten out of hand. Unfortunately, I've had to adopt a zero tolerance policy for abuses. I give gifts to very close friends, close co-workers of mine and dh's, and family no more distant than 3rd cousin. If I'm invited to a housewarming for a new home, I attend and take a gift. If I'm invited to a wedding, I do my best to attend and take a gift.

Now that all the above is off my chest, I have this to say. For a 2nd and consecutive children, a diapering shower is appropropriate. A pack of diapers can be purchased rather inexpensively. When my closest friend has her 2nd baby I plan to give a Diapering shower. She is a wise person and has saved all of her 1st sons things.

Added: Is is getting to be graduation season? How do you like getting graduation "invitations" from Great Aunt Thelma's 4th removed cousin's grandson? When we get those it feels like we just got the electric bill in the mail.

 

[Belle5]

Now that all the above is off my chest, I have this to say. For a 2nd and consecutive children, a diapering shower is appropropriate. A pack of diapers can be purchased rather inexpensively. When my closest friend has her 2nd baby I plan to give a Diapering shower. She is a wise person and has saved all of her 1st sons things.

I hope you are not stating that a diapering shower is the only kind that is appropriate-- just that a diapering shower is the only kind YOU are comfortable with...

Sometimes "showers" or "get-togethers" (as some would prefer them to be called" are about giving/receiving sentimental keepsakes. A monagrammed blanket or stuffed toy would be an example. It's whatever those who care deeply about you and your child want to bless you with. I would never want to be "showered" by anyone who wasn't chomping at the bit to celebrate me and my new child.

 

[taximomfor4]

I've read many posts with something along the lines of "gifts aren't expected," "a shower is a celebration of new life," yada, yada, yada. . .

I peeked in my handy Webster's dictionary and shower is defined as "4. a party for the giving of gifts, as to a bride." It just isn't logical to me to have a "shower" but not expect gifts. If you really don't expect gifts, and your true intent is to celebrate the new life then call it a "Birth Celebration Party" or something else along those lines. BTW, I buy gifts for 2nd and consecutive children thereafter. I just don't patronize the "shower."

I became fed up with the abuse of showersand such a few years ago when I was invited to a "housewarming" for an unmarried couple who got an apartment together. I have gotten invitations to showers for 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies from people who work in the same hospital as me that I don't even know. These people wouldn't know me if I jumped up in their face and said, "Boo!" I've received invitations to showers for 1st babies of people I don't even remember (my mom or sister will remind me of who they are). I get confused as to how they even got my address!

Registries are another annoyance with me. I've seen the pregnant women mowing people down to zap every bar code in sight with that stupid registry gun at Babies R Us and Target. Lydia's occupational therapist mentioned to me several times (she got married a few months ago) all the many places she was registered at for her wedding gifts. Is that really appropriate to be squeezing your patient's parents for wedding gifts? (BTW, we weren't invited to any of the 4 showers or the wedding.) It has all just gotten out of hand. Unfortunately, I've had to adopt a zero tolerance policy for abuses. I give gifts to very close friends, close co-workers of mine and dh's, and family no more distant than 3rd cousin. If I'm invited to a housewarming for a new home, I attend and take a gift. If I'm invited to a wedding, I do my best to attend and take a gift.

Now that all the above is off my chest, I have this to say. For a 2nd and consecutive children, a diapering shower is appropropriate. A pack of diapers can be purchased rather inexpensively. When my closest friend has her 2nd baby I plan to give a Diapering shower. She is a wise person and has saved all of her 1st sons things.

Added: Is is getting to be graduation season? How do you like getting graduation "invitations" from Great Aunt Thelma's 4th removed cousin's grandson? When we get those it feels like we just got the electric bill in the mail.

I really do get what you are saying. I only agreed to allow my friend have a "shower" for my 4th if it was just a celebratory family cookout. Close friends and family, men, women, and children. Some of my close family members didn't come because they were appalled at the thought of a "shower" for a 4th child, even though my friend assured them that this was different. We had games for the kids to play, with prizes (not baby related at all), etc. Honestly, the fact that those family members boycotted the cookout was a bit hurtful, I wanted the cookout instead because I wanted the people I cared about to come and be happy with us. Gifts did not factor in, truly...I wanted the togetherness. Many people did not bring gifts...some brought a childrens book or a bag of diapers, some brought small, nice gifts. BTW, those who did not come did not send gifts either...which was just as well, since gifts were not what I wanted anyway...I had wanted the people to be there and have a blast with us.

So you are right, a "shower" doesn't have to be called a "shower." Call it whatever you want, but some people will still see it as a "shower" and boycott it on principle. It's there right, just wanted to make the point (not to any specific poster) that it is not always just begging for gifts. Sometimes it is just for the sake of celebrating.

 

[babiesX2]

I hope you are not stating that a diapering shower is the only kind that is appropriate-- just that a diapering shower is the only kind YOU are comfortable with...

Sometimes "showers" or "get-togethers" (as some would prefer them to be called" are about giving/receiving sentimental keepsakes. A monagrammed blanket or stuffed toy would be an example. It's whatever those who care deeply about you and your child want to bless you with. I would never want to be "showered" by anyone who wasn't chomping at the bit to celebrate me and my new child.l

Of course people can go beyond bringing diapers if they wish. By calling it a diapering, it lets people know that big gifts are not expected. That is what so many of us who have talked about the tackyness of 2nd and beyond showers are -- the expectation of gifts! The definition of shower is to be showered with gifts. It just isn't logical to have a "shower" but not expect presents.

I will say it again -- 2nd baby showers are INAPPROPRIATE. They are tacky. No matter how you twist it and bend it. Just because they are becoming more common now does not make them more appropriate. It simply means more people are doing it.

 

[scraptoons]

Anything goes now days. I'm gen X in Texas. We don't have time to figure out the do's and don'ts of yesteryear. We do what best suits the community we live in.
Many people I know get several showers with just one baby (church, work, school, circle of friends)

I attend a loving, generous small church. The following happens to all the expecting, engaged, graduates, etc...

They gave me a HUGE shower when DD#1 was born.

When DD#2 was born they wanted to do another. I refused, since I barely got to use all the cute stuff from the first go around. They grow too fast!

We compromised with a money tree and gathering for the whole congregation. The men were thrilled to have cake and coffee and talk. (They talk just as much as the women folk, too many fish stories).

Then I was done having kids. I gave a lot of my baby stuff to others in the church. There is quite a few young families and we swap all the time! No telling how many babies some of the stuff has been through. And maternity clothes too.

Surprise! DS was on the way.

The church gave me another shower since this was the first boy. I insisted it not be a big one, and they gave me a nice small one this time.

It's been three years. I'll probably never be "showered" again. Now I play hostess many more times than I've been guest of honor.

It's so much joy to watch people be showered with an outpouring of love from these folks. And they are just average lower to middle class people too!

 

[84disney]

AMEN!!!!!!!! Scraptoons! To give these celebration showers has been a great blessing in my life! When I was on the receiving end of those those showers I was humbled and blessed ! No one was wealthy in my crowd, either, just happy and loving. I feel even more blessed after reading these comments. I just did not know pwople could be so critical, or if people are as grabby as some say...WOW!