Diane's Journal to a Happier/Healthier me...encouragement welcome!

[Goofydiane]

I think about you when I get tired when I am walking now and get tired. See how you motivate me!

Have a great rest of the weekend!

Amy - You motivate me as well! You've got so much going on and still get a workout in, and I think of you and this journal when I have struggles and just want to have a less than normal workout.

I'm not used to this much time off without going somewhere. Usually when I have this much time off, I'm headed to DL for a long weekend, not just hanging around the house. Today was day 3 without working and I've got tomorrow and Monday to go. The good news - the basement work starts Monday, so I'll be cleaning out the rest of the basement and bringing up my stuff tomorrow. I am so excited to get this project started and underway.

My legs were really tired today, so it was a walking day only. My trainer left me two gauntlets to complete while he was gone so I'm doing 1 tomorrow and 1 on Tuesday. I've done them both before so I know what they will be like. I definately like the one tomorrow more than the one on Tuesday, but I'm going to do them both and stick with this plan. Only 15 more days until I get on a scale.

I've been avoiding the conflict with my mother by just not calling her or my dad all week long. I haven't heard anything from her all week, so hopefully she is accepting what I said about my priorities and why it is important to me to get myself healthy.

I tried to un-install aol from my computer today and go figure, there isn't an 'uninstall' option. I've got aol 9.0 and it isn't in my add/remove programs and when I go to the folder in my folders, the 'uninstall' option doesn't work - they just don't want you to leave them no matter how much you want to leave them. It seems like I have to install it on my computer again to be able to uninstall it, very strange if you ask me.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I worked out even when my legs are dead tired.
2. I relaxed again for the whole day!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Good job working out with those tired legs! You just keep on going towards that goal and its getting closer and closer! I think just having some time off from your parents is the best course of action. I really find that with family members there are some conflicts that can not be resolved, only managed. And sometimes the only way to manage them is to put them aside for awhile! I am glad I motivate you, that makes me feel pretty good!

I hope you continue to have some time off, that is great they are starting the basement on Monday. More progress in your life! Keep on relaxing, you deserve it!

 

[Goofydiane]

Bad, bad, bad food day. I think I needed a day off from everything and sadly I took it. The worst is that I feel icky and gross from eating what I ate - another lesson learned that junk food doesn't always make you feel better, cuz I don't.

Didn't skip the workout though - I went up and down my basement steps almost 40 times today getting it cleaned out and ready for tomorrow morning. I was dripping in sweat when completed. The basement is empty except for my Christmas tree and ready to go tomorrow morning. That was the leg workout, and then the lifting it over my head and pushing it into a dumpster that stands 6 ft tall was the arm workout! Got it all done with one 2 bruises.....Lifting a huge vanity box from when I was doing the basement myself that was full of trsh, well I lost my grip and it hit me right in the corner of the eye/eye brow. Yep, 44 years old and I'm going to have a shiner! I also was taking a particle board desk apart to throw it away and it fell backwards against my shin....yep, lump and bruise on the shin as well.

Now I've got the stuff that has been underneath the stairs for 5 years to go through tomorrow - my thoughts, if I haven't needed to look for it in the last 5 years, it can go in the trash. My only question is on my boxes that my snowglobes and other memoribilia came in. Who saves that kind of stuff? I've got books from when I went to college 25 years ago as well? This dumpster is going to be of such good use, I'm cleaning house in more ways than 1.

Since I did the workout at home today with all the box moving and dumpster work, I'm going to do my gauntlet tomorrow morning and Wednesday night

I'm not sure I can say I'm proud of much today, except getting the basement cleaned out.

 

[Goofydiane]

Ugh....never, never, never again will I let a friend of mine do work on my house. I knew it was a mistake going into it, but I did it anyway. I was trying to help him out with some work when I knew he was struggling and now I'm dealing with the aftermath. Not much that he did in my basement was correct, so I'm glad I made the decision to start from scratch and pay for the tear down. When the guys pulled down some of the drywall in the bathroom today, they touched some plumbing work that my friend did and it fell apart. He used the wrong stuff to get the pipes to hold together! Thankfully it is a basement and water on concrete is just that.

The good news is that my contractor and I had budgeted 2 days and 3 guys to tear down everything that was done and it got done in 1 day and 2 guys - and not even a full day, so yeah! The money saved here goes to pay the plumber who came out and fixed the water issue this afternoon.

I went through every box that I brought up from the basement and have a nice trash pile started. I have photo's upon photo's from 30 years ago that I'm choosing not to keep. I haven't looked at them in at least 10 years, so I don't need them anymore - I don't even remember most of the people in the pictures. I also cleaned out my garage with all the stuff I brought up from the basement.

Got back on track with food today, had the standard Oatmeal for breakfast, a banana for a mid-morning snack and a pb&cheese sandwich for lunch. I know it sounds weird, but I was going to work out and do weights, so I needed the protein. then a energy bar for right before the workout. I decided I had to start writing down what I eat because that will require me to hold myself accountable for the food I eat. I'm having a turkey burger and some steamed vegetables for dinner tonight.

My trainer left me some workouts to do while he was gone and I did the first one today. Strange, I did everything on the list and got done in less than an hour. I thought if I was by myself I would take longer because I would rest more and I was surprised at how much I pushed myself to keep going, even without Tim pushing me along. I already wrote him an email saying the next time we do the gauntlet he has to up the reps from 80 to 100 because I got through the 80 reps today pretty easily. Wednesday's gauntlet is the cardio gauntlet that I don't like as much, but I'm going to do it and get through it.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I got back on track with food.
2. I did 'the gauntlet' completely and within an hour
3. I cleaned out some old history that I've been holding onto and threw it away.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, great job getting that basement cleaned out. You are making your whole life leaner and stronger! I hear you on not having friends do work around your house, learned that one the hard way myself! You had a bad food day, it happens. You got right back on track and deserve to be proud of that. You can't do well all time, slip ups happen, its the day after that really matters. You rose to that occasion!

Keep up the good work, glad the water/plumbing issue wasn't too much of an issue!

 

[Goofydiane]

Thanks for stopping by Amy. You always have a way of making what I think of as a bad day not appear to be as bad. I really appreciate that!

Wow....I discovered how to download Podcasts onto my Zune! I had been to their site and just not thrilled with what I saw, but then I looked at the DisBoard PodCast and I can subscribe and download it. Wow! I've finally got something different for the bus ride to work - maybe now I'll actually start taking the bus again as well as something different than music to listen to at work and on the treadmill. I'm always amazed at myself - I work and manage a system all day long and I'm really not that computer literate when it comes to stuff like understanding electronics! Just don't let the word get out to my boss

Got an email from mom today asking about Easter. Of course it was an invite out to an Easter buffet - she just doesn't understand and I really don't think she ever will. Could I eat healthy at a buffet, sure, will I...no, buffets to me is like asking a newly recovering alcoholic to go to the bar and just drink soda. I know it, I'm not there yet mentally to be able to say no to a buffet. Just not sure how I'm going to turn her down without creating another 'wo is me moment'. I do wish I had a better relationship with her, but it really is tough when she doesn't want to accept the changes I'm making in my life.

Work was ok, was nice to get back to the office and things weren't as bad as they could have been. I think going back to the office helped with food choices, I had Oatmeal for breakfast and a banana for a snack, then Grilled Cheese for lunch and grilled chicken and an apple for dinner. Not nearly enough calories for the day, but I wasn't that hungry either. Tomorrow will be better I'm sure.

Workout was 4.5 miles on the treadmill. Tomorrow is Gauntlet 2 day. Biking, Running and the Stair machine.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. Even with my trainer on vacation, I keep going to the gym to maintain the streak. I'm committed to getting to 60 days.
2. I passed the Dairy Queen on the way home and made a good healthy dinner. They shouldn't allow Dairy Queen commercials on the TV's at the club!

 

[DisDee]

Hey Diane, I'm excited for you and your basement project! It must be a great feeling to sort thru things and eliminate all that crazy stuff that we all tend to hang on to. It will be fun for you to have all that additional space to hang out in! We have a similar project waiting for us to start, but we put it on hold due to my medical problems. We got some water in our lower level family room last spring, so we want to replace the carpet which was here when we moved in 2003. We hope to get started this summer with that and some other changes.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide to do for your Easter dinner. You're a very strong person, so I know you can do it!

 

[Goofydiane]

Thansk for stopping by Denise - haven't made a decision about Easter yet, I will soon.

I didn't realize how much I rely on the relationship I have with my trainer - he's been on vacation for week and it just doesn't feel the same. I feel like I'm on vacation too and that isn't good. I suddenly have so much going on, between a trainerless week, a basement remodel, a major product going through usability lab testing and then just regular stuff...when it rains it pours I guess.

I never thought I'd say this, but thank heaven for reality tv. It was a struggle to go workout tonight, but with Survivor and Big Brother I knew it would go pretty quick because I could watch both shows. My legs are really reaching their breaking point on being tired - my knee joints are sore, my hips are sore and I've still got 10 days left of this cardio challenge. Maybe it is the moist weather that is contributing to the sore joints I just know I'm sore and when I get sore it gets harder and harder to work out. One of the things keeping me going is I'm 50 days into a 60 day cardio challenge, there is no way in heck I'm going to miss a day now!

Progress is being made on the basement! It's exciting to come home and see changes each night. I can see where the bathroom is and the fitness area is going to be. I'm getting closer to having to make decisions again and that's always tough for me.

My boss told me that he is still focusing on getting me help and is working with our contract services team to get it put together. I'm glad that he hasn't just let it slide, but I'm always concerned that once they get me help...he might realize that I'm not needed anymore. Always scary and I know my job is secure, but I'm always a nervous nellie when it comes to this.

I haven't been sleeping well and I'm not sure why. I come home and start relaxing, but the minute I go to sleep I start waking up again. Last night I was up until 1:00am and had a headache almost all day. I need to get more sleep and yet I'm here thinking outloud at 10:30pm!

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I didn't get there until 7:30pm, but I worked out tonight.
2. I again avoided the Dairy Queen on the way home, today was easier than yesterday.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hi Diane! Great job avoiding DQ, that is a hard one to pass by! I am so impressed and proud of you for doing 50 solid days of exercise. That is just awesome. I think that is wonderful that you have such a rapport with your trainer, that is a testament to you both and the hard work you are doing. That is also great you can see progress on the basement, that sort of makes all of this a bit more worth the trouble!

I have no idea what to tell you regarding Easter! Family situations, holidays and buffets, oh my! Just go with your gut. Maybe ask your parents over for dinner at your house where you can cook healthy? Or offer to bring dessert by later? I so understand how frustrating it is to have your mom want to take you to a buffet and had to laugh about your alcoholic analagy! It is so true. Whatever you decide just know you gave it a lot of thought and did what you thought was best. If that can't please everyone so be it. You are making a life changing effort with all of this, in the end, you have to repsect yourself. I really feel for you, hang in there!

 

[Goofydiane]

thanks for the words of encouragement Amy, that's why I keep coming back. I find that I'm making friends online and it is so nice to have objective feedback!

I told my dad that I wasn't going to see them at Easter and explained about how it makes me feel when I have shred with them over and over that I am working on myself and getting a workout in each day is important. His comments was to go out to lunch with them and then work out...argh! I'm not sure they will ever get it, but I explained again that I am just more comfortable eating what I can control. It went better with my dad than it would have with my mom, but it was still a frustrating experience.

Another late day at the office made for a late workout. I felt so much better last night than Wednesday - I wish I understood how these mood swings go up and down, up and down. I pushed myself through the running last night and felt like I cheated a bit by holding on to the bar when running. I need to let go and know that I can accomplish it just by pushing myself hard and harder. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of - could it be succeeding? I've always been the person who uses humor in a situation and shy's away from the crowd, avoids pictures etc due to my size. Now that I'm getting healthier, I'm struggling with how to deal the changes my body is going through and find myself staying at home and becoming more of an introvert. I should be shouting from mountain tops and I'm trying to avoid people. I am not sure why and I'm trying to figure this out.

Things I'm proud of Thursday:
1. Running at 38:47 for my 3 miles and it was running 31 minutes of that time with a few breaks.
2. Getting out some concerns in my journal. I bottle things up and I need to start getting them out.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane,

I hope you had a nice Easter. I am proud of you for talking so honestly with your dad. In the end, you have to do what you have to do. Your parents are older, they have made their choices in life and are at a whole different stage of life. You are younger and self responsible. If you don't take care of you can they guarantee they will for the next 40 or 50 years? I know that at many points with my mom, whom I loved dearly I had to make some tough choices. Its never easy I know.

And I think mood swings are normal. This is a long, hard haul to get healthy. You and I are roughly the same age with a lot of weight to lose. With anything that requires this much change, self evaluation and time, its going to be a mood filled voyage! I am up and down all the time. What makes it hard for me is when I am up and knowing that something in life is going to come up and challenge me again, very soon! I know we can do it though and I am so glad we have both found WISH. It really helps!

Whatever you did today, alone or with family, I hope you enjoyed yourself. Tomorrow is a new week, just keep up that hard work!

 

[Goofydiane]

It's been a really long weekend and I'm glad it is over! It started snowing here on Friday and it has come and gone over the entire weekend. It is that wet, heavy snow and depressed me to no end. It's now springtime and I shouldn't have a foot of new snow in my backyard.

I say all the time how much I dislike living in MN, even through I grew up here. If I didn't work at HQ for a company that is based here, I'd still be living in Denver.

Only 7 more days on the 60 day cardio challenge and I told my trainer you know what I'm doing to celebrate? (other than the massage)....I'm taking a cardio day off and just resting the sore muscles. He sent me out to buy some bath salts that are a 'sport spa' version and I tried them in the bath, I'm not sure if it was my muscles getting used to running or the bath, but they did feel better this morning.

I had to go out and buy a HDMI cord for the electricians tomorrow and went and saw Horton Hears a Who today with friends. My weekends seem to always involve 1 day of working and then 1 day of trying to get a few things done. I'd really like a day to just sleep until noon, however I know that won't ever happen - I get bored in I'm in bed that long. In a few short weeks, I'll be able to do weekend workouts at home and not worry about going to the club. I measured - I'll be able to do 15 lunges down the hallway before I have to turn around and come back, so I'll be able to do a lot in the basement.

Things I'm proud of this weekend:
1. Ran for a mile yesterday even with legs on their last muscles.
2. The bath salts were a new experience
3. At the movie today, used a small cup to hold my popcorn and that really limited my popcorn intake.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hi Diane, those bath salts sound very nice. Where did you find them? I didn't know you used to live in Denver, that's where I live (well in a suburb of Denver). What a small world. It snowed her this weekend too, didn't feel very springy or Easter like. Of course today it was 65! You still amaze me with these cardio workouts.

 

[Goofydiane]

Amy - I used to live in Highlands Ranch when I worked out in the field. I lived there for 6 years and loved every minute of it! There is something about making everything seem right in the world when you are driving home down C470 with the foothills and mountains off to the west; it is just soothing and nothing bothered me for long. I would still live there if HQ wasn't based in MN and to advance you have to come to HQ and that's in MN. Even through I grew up here, I hate wind chill and I hate humidity (even more than my hair does!) That's my hair in the humidity.

I found the bath salts at a natural food store near my house. The brand is Masada and I bet you could find them at Wild Oats or something. They do have a website, its www.Masada-spa.com and they have a variety of choices.

Well - there are not enough hours in the day lately and I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends and I get nervous when this happens. It seems like I fall back into bad habits and I don't want that to happen this time. I can tell I'm sliding some...I had Girl Scout cookies yesterday and today. I've just got to get the boxes out of my desk and put them out on the food table for everyone but me to enjoy!

The basement isn't taking much of my time, but it is taking up decision making space in my brain and there isn't any room in there for that right now. The inspections start tomorrow and then they should be starting to put up drywall either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday. That just means more decisions on floor, paint, theatre....I think that I have my decisions made and then I keep looking. I need to make my decisions and stick with them.

Work is getting busier and busier. We've got a new director and with any personnel change, they look at things differently and ask a lot of questions. This leads my boss to need a lot of information from me and I hate having to always say, yes I can do that, where does it fall on the priority list. I hate that question, I always feel like I'm not a good enough employee to get it all done in no time at all. I always try to be all things to everyone and it seems like I'm the one who suffers in the end. I know I have work/life balance issues, but I don't seem to know what to do to get away from it. It's a catch 22, I've set the bar so high on myself that now if I falter it is like I'm slipping in my work. I need to figure out a way to get me out of this situation and get people to realize that I work 60-70 hours a week and I barely get the minimum done.

I go to work, work out, come home and work more until night. I feel like I'm losing myself and not doing things that I enjoy. I've talked to my boss and he says he gets it, but then when someone asks for something he offers me up to do it for them! I know if I document this for him he will eventually get how much he puts on my plate, but it takes time to document everything and then that is time that I don't have for what needs to get done. The weird thing is that I really don't have a defined job anymore, I just transitioned into this position and I'd be real curious to have this job graded by compensation - I wonder if my pay grade should be higher than it is, there is always the fear that it gets grader lower than it is, but I don't think so.

5 more days until the 60 day challenge is over. My trainer said something about having to find money for a massage and I told him that he didn't have to do the massage, he could give me a free training session instead. He told me he wanted me to have the massage and I told him I would still do that, he just gives me the free session. He said, ok, but it is two free sessions - I'm ok with that. Looking back, it's been a fun challenge and I'm thrilled that I'm 5 days away from making it a successful challenge. We did an exercise tonight I saw on Biggest Loser last week - anyone watch the show? Bob had one of the guys stand on upside down bosu balls and put 1 foot on each bosu and do lunges. We did this with 4 balls so 3 lunges a pass and wow, does it work your core and balance.

I'm not sure about where the weight loss will be at the end of this challenge, but I'm starting to be ok with whatever it ends up being. I can finally tell I've lost inches and tightened up in some areas, so even if the weight stays the same the size is reducing. It just takes me a while to process the bad thoughts and turn them into good thoughts.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. The entry into this journal tonight. I got some stuff out that I usually keep inside.
2. Not hurting myself when doing the new exercise from Biggest Loser.

 

[Goofydiane]

I didn't mention that my parents did respect my wishes for Easter and didn't call or try and guilt me again into coming over. They did tell me they recently changed churches and invited me to the membership ceremony - they confirmed my brother or sister would not be there, and because of that I will go and be there for them. Due to personal safety issues, they know I will never be in the same room with my brother and I always ask who is going to be there before I accept or decline. I'll have to remember to put the date on my calendar or I will forget

It seems like my days are always the same...go to work, go work out, come home and work a little bit more and dis. I never thought I'd have such a structured existance. Some days I am fine with it and others it starts to wear on me...today is a wear on me day. Our annual reviews and due to be given shortly and maybe it is just nerves starting to get to me. On the good side, the vendor of the system I manage and develop modules for asked if I thought we would be open to an article about a module I developed with others on our team.....wow, to be a cover girl of a magazine...not too shabby - now it is an insurance magazine so I'm not sure who would read it, but hey, something to put on my review for next year. I've got to ask my boss tomorrow what he thinks. If he says yes, and I have to have a picture taken, that would give me a goal to work towards. hey - maybe they could make me a size 8 in a picture!

Workout was good, I'm down to 4 days and counting! I'm finding strength in myself in not dreading the workouts anymore, I enjoy them, just not the running part of it. I'm glad that I'm making this part of the routine - I think Tim gave me the challenge because he knew if I committed to 60 straight days of cardio, then it would become habit strength and I would keep with it. I'm not as interested in getting on the scale anymore, it's weird, between yesterday and today I just said hey....I feel better and I finally decided that is what is important, not the number on the scale. I told Tim that I didn't even want to weigh in next week, but he said I had to so Tuesday is the day and I'm going to try and do some sort of April Fool joke on him regarding it. Just not sure what it will be yet.

Yeah-the basement passed all inspections and they start sheetrock tomorrow and possibly taping on Friday...yippee, guess the house is going to get dusty now.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. The mindset change on the scale....it's only a number and it is about how I feel. I think that was a big breakthrough today.

 

[DisDee]

Diane, I really admire your dedication to your cardio workouts during the last 2 months. You really are a strong woman! Also, good for you to not be worrying about the weight loss number anymore since overall health is more important. You mentioned a joke for April Fool's Day for your trainer. A few years back, my DH and some buddies at work did a 1-week challenge to see how much weight they could lose. Well, my DH (the comedian) decides he's going to wear 5lb. ankle weights on each leg for his initial weigh-in. A week goes by and he does lose weight (he's a big guy) plus the 10LBS. from the ankle weights. His friends were amazed!!!! Of course he fessed up right away. You could do the opposite-add some weights and see what kind of reaction you get from your trainer re: your weight gain.

Have a fun day!

 

[Goofydiane]

Oh Denise...I love that idea! I might not be able to pull it off because I can visually tell I've dropped a few pounds, but I might just say I've removed fat and added muscle since muscle takes less space. I'm going to keep this one on the list.

Thanks!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I am glad your parents respected you and your decision! It takes courage for you to voice what you need and sometimes older people are slow to get on board, that says some good things about them that they did. I am sorry you have these issues with your brother. Families, I swear they really complicate the life don't they? You are so close to making your cardio goal! I am so proud of you, that is great your trainer will give you two sessions free! And enjoy that massage, you certainly earned it.

I love that drive on 470 going west! I live off 470 (much, much further east) and dh and I sometimes take that drive up through Deer Creek Canyon on Sunday afternoons. I love Colorado too although at times the desire to move somewhere far away from my own family demons really calls to me. But I'd miss this climate and the mountains!

Keep up your great work, you have come so far, I really admire and respect you for doing this. I think you have officially crossed over to a healthy lifestyle. Great job!!!

 

[Goofydiane]

I know E470 very well too! I used to be able to make it from my house to the airport in about 38 minutes if there wasn't any traffic. I moved back here almost 5 years ago and I still have my E470 autopayment thingy....I know, I know, I just have to send it back but I just never get around to it.

I've been on this journey since February 2, 2006 and I agree, I have embraced and changed over to the healthy lifestyle, but there are still struggles everyday and with every choice you make. Some days you make good choices and some days you make not so good choices. For me, sticking to a routine is when I'm most successful, it is when the routine is challenged that I find myself struggling, so those are the days that I worry about the most.

My brain wasn't working this morning...each morning I pack my gym bag with everything I need that day, usually pulling it directly from the dryer. I always bring socks down with me in the morning and did the same today. Got to the gym and looked for said socks....hmmm, they weren't in the bag. Had I worn tan socks to work it might not have been a big issue, I would have just worn those socks, but nope, I wore black trouser socks today and they just don't go well to work out in. Work out socks are white (I have weird rules), so I decided I could either go spend $6.00 for a pair of socks at the club (cripes I can get 6 pair at Target for that price!) or go sockless, yes sockless....I'm going ewwwwww just writing this down. I don't wear sandles, I don't go barefoot that often - I wear socks darn near 100% of the time. I don't think I'm that vain, but I just can't wear black sock to work out in....I just feel that everyone would be looking at me and I don't like having attention on me. I'm sure I'm wrong and no one would notice, but I would know. So what do I do....yes, even going ewwww almost the whole time - I put on my sneakers without socks and went up and did my workout. My feet felt weird the entire time and I came home and promptly put 3 pairs of socks in my bag! the socks I forgot to pack....sitting on my center island just waiting for me to put them on and I had them on very quick.

Only 3 days left on the challenge. I've thought of an idea for the next challenge. Not missing a day in April and I get to plan an entire workout session, free of course, but I get to pick everything. For a person who likes control, I think this is a great idea. I might suggest it next week unless I think of something better. I'm such a task driven person that this idea for short term goals is so good for me. Something I can achieve and check off a list.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I worked out even without socks. In the past I would have left and not work out.
2. I made 3 healthy choices for meals today!

 

[pearlieq]

Hi!

I just wanted to drop in and say you've been doing an amazing job on the challenge! You've really worked very hard.

I like your idea for April--it sounds like a winner!