Diane's Journal to a Happier/Healthier me...encouragement welcome!

[Goofydiane]

Day 6 is checked off the list and I got to play my belated April Fools joke on my trainer.

Me in email....'There is something wrong with me...I actually starting to not dislike this prune juice. Am I sick?'
Him back... 'Did you weigh in today??'
Me 'Yes'
Him back... 'what was it?????'
Me '2.4'
Him back... 'I only lost 2 lbs my first 4 days when I did this and then 9 by the end so we are right on track'
Me 'Oh...belated April Fools, that 2.4%, not 2.4 lbs'
Him... 'we are definately doing the gauntlet tonight for that'

He did say I got him, he was amazed at the amount and he really didn't make me do the gauntlet. I'm glad, it is tough. 1 mile run and then sets of 100 each of 8 different things. I looked at him and said...seriously - you have me detoxing and now this? His response...I don't get mad, I just get even. He had me going and scared.

I know I don't write out a lot about work in this journal and I've started wondering why that is. Much of my stress is from work and I know that stress is a trigger point for eating and I need to get some of it out sometimes. I need to use this journal for all thoughts, not just weight loss. I don't want to let this struggle and journey be the only thing that defines me. I want this journey to redefine who I am as a daughter, friend, co-worker and most importantly who I am as a person.

As part of this journey, I want to become more of an extrovert. As i reflect on all aspects of my life, I realize while I've always been an introvert, I'm becoming more and more of one each year. I'm not sure how I'm going to make those changes, but I've got to start looking into it. I've hid behind who I am for so long and I'm starting to realize there is a new me that is developing both inside and out.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. Forcing myself into self-reflection, it's tough for me to do and I need to do it more.

 

[Goofydiane]

I may have to check rates for that Anaheim Hilton. The motels on Harbor are okay for a short stay but for the longer ones we need something that is cheaper than the onsite ones but nicer than the ones right there. How long is the walk?

Hi Amy - The Anaheim Hilton is attached to the convention center so the rates will vary based on which convention is in town. I've seen room rates at $99 and also at $299. They have about 1,500 rooms and what I like about the hotel is that if you have a Disney view room, it's like looking down mainstreet. You can see the castle and the lights from the park all night long. They also have a full fitness center that is free for certain levels of Hilton Honors members and then a cost for others. The fitness center was once rated one of the top 10 hotel fitness centers in the country.

With all that, there are times the hotel can be loud, depending on who is in town for a convention, however I still feel more secure in hotels that have interior doors to your room then room door that goes to the outside. I feel more secure and I'm willing to pay a bit more for that.

The walk is probably 6-8 blocks from hotel room to park gate, which includes going through security and everything but it is a nice walk. The walk goes through one of the disney parking lots so if the tram is running you can catch the tram and that takes off about 2/3 of the walk.

The hotel does offer room service almost 24 hours a day too. You do have to pay for parking if you have a car because the convention center owns the parking garage. It's also on the Anaheim Resort transit system so you can catch the resort transit to the parks. There is both an indoor and outdoor pool; the indoor is in the fitness center and a basketball court in the fitness area. Spa and some great restaurants. The last time I was there the decor was a little dated, but they are supposed to be starting a renovation of all the rooms.

Let me know if you have any other questions. It was my home away from home for a long time!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, thanks for the Hilton information. I have no idea when we will make it back out to DL again but that hotel sounds great. I have seen it from the outside and we are H Honors members so that would be nice to rack up some more points!

I cracked up with you playing a little joke on your trainer. You have me thinking about doing some sort of detox thing when I get back from WDW. What is the one you went on? I have done that in the past and its worked well.

Keep up your good work and journal about your job it may help the stress thing. I am betting with all this weight you are losing you can become more extroverted with all your new found self esteem!

 

[Goofydiane]

One thing I can attribute to this detox, I've been a lot calmer. I'm not sure if this is one of the benifits of the process of cleaning your system or just how it has been this week. Based on how my week goes, it has to be the detox.

I get my annual review tomorrow and since I work in retail and the country is in a recession, I'm expecting the 'you had a great year, but the company didn't' and that will be followed by salary increases aren't going to be like they've been in the past. I'm going to go in with low expectations and hope to be pleasantly surprised, and not be disappointed when I'm not. I usually don't work myself up over these, but this year I have been - I'm anxiously nervous and I'm not sure why. I want to ensure I have the career path discussion with my boss, as to where he see's are my options of moving throughout the company and who he feels are people I can reach out to. The one great thing about where I work is they know that positions can be temporary and people move on and move up. I've never had this discussion with him because I love what I do, but lately I've started feeling, I'm not sure what to call it, but underappreciated and abused. They've been talking for 2 years about getting me help and yet, none has ever arrived, but we carry extra headcount elsewhere. As my friend said, as long as you keep getting everything done, no matter how long it takes, why should they get you assistance? I don't think my self esteem is there yet to fight for myself and that is going to be a goal this year. there never seems to be enough hours in the day to get what needs to get done, done.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. 7 days on this detox without any cheating.
2. I'm really starting to explore other areas of my life.

 

[Goofydiane]

I am moving forward in this journey and making progress. I've reported to my boss for over 10 years and during my review today (it was great!) we were talking about this journey I'm on and we got talking about self-improvement. I've really thought a lot lately about going to a therapist or someone to see why I struggle with relationships and self-esteem. Without even saying anything about that, he mentioned that he thought of me as a friend and suggested the same thing. He mentioned that his wife and him did it while they were struggling with having children 20 years ago and that his daughter has seen one as well. It just helps to have an objective person to talk to. It's similar to a journal, and while I have trust issues, I am going to look into it. I am realizing that the journey is not only about the outside, it also includes the inside. I really appreciated his sharing some things about his life and it made me realize that he really does care me as a person and not just an employee. The inner journey scares me as I'm nervous about what I'll find out about myself.

The detox is ending a day early. I've accomplished what I wanted to accomplish and I'm starting to feel the weariness of a lack of protein. In addition I'm getting cramps in my muscles and I haven't had them for a long time. It was something I needed to clean out some of my insides and I will do something similar again in 4-6 months, but not for this long. I also am not going back to some of the food I ate either. I did learn a lot during this past week.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. My review and the recognition received with it. I had been wondering if our new director really understood everything I have my hands in and I think she does.
2. Talking to my boss about working on the inner me.

 

[Goofydiane]

A good and a bad right now. The detox is over! Woohoo on the new ticker total. I'm glad I did the detox as it got me past a number I was stuck around and I'm now weighing less than I can ever remember in my adult life. This would be the good.

The bad isn't a bad as much as a disappointment. I stopped over at my parents today and I haven't seen them since November. I had to show my mom how to watch a tv show on the internet and since I hadn't been there in 5 months, I figured I better stop by. Since the last time I've seen them, I've cut my hair, colored it and lost probably about 20 lbs. My mom's comment...you are letting your hair grow, I like it. It hurt to not have either my dad or my mom make any comments regarding the changes I'm making. Well, 1 comment was made - my hair is growing even though it is about 4-5 inches shorter than the last time she saw me. Part of me has thought that with her age maybe she is having some memory issues, but she remembers everything about my sister/brother and grandkids. I'm the one she forgets stuff about. This may be oneof the reasons I rarely go over to their house, I hate that feeling I always get going over there - like she doesn't even know who I am and what I'm interested in.

I know if I bring it up to her, that she is going to take it too personally and then get upset or worse, so it isn't even worth saying anything to her.

I'm really tired today, so that is another reason I won't say anything. maybe when the guys are done in the basement I'll be able to take a nap.

Today is a day of rest from the gym, however I might go up and walk off some frustration anyway.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I am sorry that your parents didn't notice. I firmly believe that some people truly hurt the ones they love the most. Don't let their not noticing make you think it isn't noticeable. It would have to be very noticeable given the way you have not only lost pounds but worked so hard to firm up and gain muscle. They just werent' looking and seeing what was before them. I have had this same sort of treatment from family my whole life. I think you and I both know that is partly the reason we have struggled with weight and self esteem. Just keep doing what you are doing. You're doing this for you, not them and that is why you have been successful and will continue to be so. But I know it still hurts.

Great job getting that detox done! That takes a lot of determination and your body is probably really thanking you for it! You have come such a long way just in the short time I have known you! I am proud and I know very good and well you are looking much trimmer than you were in November! So take my word for it, I never lie!

 

[Goofydiane]

Thanks Amy, I need to accept that this is how they are and get past it.

I've been sick for the past 3 days - must have been putting some different food back into my system again! Hopefully I'll be going back to work in the morning. What's worse - I haven't been on a treadmill in 4 days!

Once I'm back to being among the living, I'll check back in.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I am so sorry you are sick. I hope you are feeling better, just take it slow and take care of Diane!

I'll be gone to WDW so I'll be gone for a few days, "see" you when I get back! Feel better.

 

[Goofydiane]

When it rains it pours! My monitor died on my computer and I had to go purchase another one. I'm putting money into my basement right now, I don't need to put money into a new monitor too!

I've had such a terrible food week, I don't even want to talk about it. I sat down with Tim and we talked about goals for the next 6 weeks and I'm feeling better over that - I wish I understood why I'm in such a bad food choice need right now. I'm eating things that I don't really like and that needs to stop. I worked so hard to get where I am and I feel like I'm giving it all back and I'm going over to the dark side. I don't like the dark side!

I've learned that the detox was too much to one extreme and now I'm going too far to the other extreme and I need to find a happy middle ground, so here is what we are going to work towards:

Morning - keep with the juices and lemonade that I did via the detox.
Lunch - fruits, vegetables and add in protein
Snack - fruit or vegetable
Dinner - steamed vegetables, protein, good fat/oil

Work to limit processed foods. This might be a bit tough to start with, I seem to think that cheese is a condiment. As long as I'm not cutting it out completely, I'll be ok.

Tim and I are going to review food journals and that is something we've never done before so self - you are going to have to start writing down what you eat!

Gee, sounds like that balanced food plan including the 4 food groups.

The goal - 10 lbs before my Disneyland trip!

 

[Goofydiane]

What a week it has been, between being busy and just sliding backwards with food, I've really struggled the past week. In over analyzing the week, I've also come to realize some of the power food has over me.

I seem to have 2 extremes, either eat junk food like it is going out of style, or eat healthy, healthy, healthy without any need for junk. I do wish I could figure out a happy medium, but in 44 years, I haven't figured it out and I'm not sure I ever will. I feel like that commercial about the egg frying and the comment of this is your brain on drugs....get the picture. Well, that would be me on junk food. Junk food makes me tired, bloated, irritable, not in the mood to work out and overall a person that I used to be and not want to become again. I don't like the way my ankles swell up and my stomach struggles to digest the food. I notice my stress level is higher and all I want to do is sit around and do nothing.

When I commit and follow the right food choices, I have more energy, get less bothered by the stress of my job, I don't feel bloated and swollen and I look forward to working out. I sleep better and I digest food a lot better. So if this is so good for me and it makes me feel the way it does, why oh why do I eat junk food in streaks? This is my struggle with a healthy lifestyle, the commitment on eating healthy. I don't know why I think that I need to have the bad food - it doesn't make me feel good and while I may enjoy the first bite, anything after that doesn't really taste good.

I struggle with the choices every day and I do great for a while and then when I back slide, I slide back big time. I hate how these slides make me feel and I struggle to understand them and get out of them when they occur. This one was particularly depressing, I worked so hard when I went through the detox and hit a number I haven't seen in so long and I've gained some of that back now. Why am I so scared in succeeding with changing my life?

Tim and I had a long discussion and I need to hold myself more accountable than I've been doing. I've gotten into a pattern of eating healthy during the week and then on Saturday/Sunday making poor choices nowing I can up the workouts to move the calories. This isn't what I want to do. I need to hold myself accountable for making good food choices each and every meal and he is holding me accountable to journal my food choices and send them to him nightly. He will review and let me know his thoughts.

I'm hoping that once the basement is completed and I get all my fitness equipment down there I will be able to down and do a short workout when feelings of food overwhelm me. There are days I just want a short quick jog or to do some weights and I don't want to drive to the club because I don't have a lot of time, just enough to work out. The basement will be on Thursday and the installation of the video/audio equipment starts on Saturday.

On the good side of life - the basement is going through the final inspection on Thursday! It is almost complete!! I spent the weekend painting and I like the color choices and they go with the floor so nicely. Bought the video/audio equipment (yikes!) and will work on installing some of it over the weekend. I am finally getting excited to have this project almost completed.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I am understanding the difference between junk food and healthy food and the whole picture of good food choices.
2. Food journaling and reviewing what I'm eating.
3. The stress of the basement is almost done!

 

[Goofydiane]

The basement is done and I made great choices all day long!

I'm starting to realize that even though I work in a building that offers up a great cafeteria for breakfast and lunch, that great cafeteria also challenges me with food choices. I go into the cafeteria with all good intentions of eating healthy but when faced with all the choices, I make internal excuses to choose differently. Until I feel that I have more internal power over food, my resolve is to bring breakfast and lunch with me to work. It takes longer to prepare and I have to get up earlier to do it, but it is the choice that I need to make right now.

More good news, I'm getting help at work! We are looking at a contractor for 12-18 months until we can get headcount approved to assist me in managing this system. Yeah! I might be able to enjoy the summer this time.

I'm still doing some things from this detox, mainly the lemonade/syrup/cayenne pepper drink. It actually isn't that bad and warms you up inside. Other food today included carrots, tomatoes, grapes, apple, low sugar protein bar, scrambled eggs with low fat cheese and multi grain bread.

Exercise was 99 minutes on the treadmill at a controlled heart rate of 139 and a 10 minute cool down. Over 1200 calories burned and some very tired feet! I ran into one of the other guys my trainer works with and the more I talk to him the more he interests me. He has lost 150 lbs in just over a year and he is a really nice guy. I'd love to get the scoop from my trainer on his personal life, but not sure how to go about it.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I made good food choices all day long.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I could have written your past few journal entries in many ways! Like you, I either do great, or am completely off the wagon. I want that happy medium too! I think people like you and me have so much emotional stake with our food and eating that it tends to be a much bigger deal than with other people! In any case you sound firmly back on track and I am proud of you. Your work cafeteria sounds about like the All Star Music food court! Its really tough to do well all the time in the midst of so much temptation. I think just staying out of there as much as you can for awhile is a good plan! I remember when I worked at a large Blue Cross office once they had a huge cafeteria. I used to start my morning by going in there for yogurt and end up getting some piece of pie or a donut. Finally I just stopped going in there and that worked a lot better! Make your lunch and breakfast before you go to bed at night. I have noticed most healthy people seem to do that so that they don't have to build that time into their mornings and thus have the perfect excuse to take the quick route!

I am proud of you for getting that long on the treadmill, that is awesome! And I am happy your basement is finished. That must feel so good! I knowyou can lose those ten pounds by Disneyland!

 

[Goofydiane]

Amy - I wish I would have met you when I lived in Denver, we could have rocked the WW meetings and such. Not that supporting each other online is bad, it is just nice to have the inperson support at times. I agree - we seem to struggle with the same things and can read your journal and say...wow, I know exactly where you are coming from!

I made more good food choices today, but it was a struggle. We had our finance total team meeting and of course they have snack tables. I successfully avoided those and felt great doing it. Most of the team went out to lunch after the meeting and they went to my favorite place and I felt bad choosing not to go. Could I have gone and ordered a grilled chicken sandwich, possibly but I'm not sure I would have. I dream of the day that I can go and eat out with friends and know I'm going to make healthy choices. Right now I'm scared of eating out, it seems like I use those events as a way to feel like I can eat like everyone else and then I feel terrible about it after.

I didn't put on all the weight in 1 week, yet I feel like it should all come off in a week. Isn't that they way everyone thinks?

Food today:
lemonade drink, organic breakfast bar (120 cal), carrots, tomatoes, grapes, apple, protein bar, peanut butter/cheese sandwich. I also get at least 10 glasses of water in so I don't log that anymore.

Exercise:
65 minutes on the treadmill. I had a heart rate control set for 139, but the treadmill was always registering about 5 beats lower than my watch so I probably was closer to 143-144 for an hour. I know I can get better on this, I wasn't as tired as I would have been in the past.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I avoided the snack type foods at our meeting.
2. The improved heart rate when working out.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I am proud of you for avoiding those snack tables! And yeah, I wish we would have met back when you were in Denver! I guess better late than never though right?

I think the day when you will feel comfortable eating out will get here. Eating out means a loss of control and that is a gamble. The good news is that you realize that and are giving yourself the time to build the tools you will need to survive a restaurant. Until then, just keep doing what you know is best for you. In some ways, we are like alcoholics, they know not to go to a bar or party too soon in their recovery process. But eventually they can and we will get to that point as well! Its just a long and winding road isn't it?

Keep up that good work and keep being proud of you. I am!

 

[Goofydiane]

I survived a gauntlet training day and that is as proud as I can be today.

Got the final basement bill and like everyone else how does work in their house, I was overbudget by 25%! I'm glad with the final product so I'm not losing any sleep over it and I have started moving some things into the basement. There is a forecast for snow, yes snow over night tonight so I may work on moving more stuff and putting it away tomorrow. That will all depend on if I can move any muscle in my body tomorrow.

Tim and I did what he calls a gauntlet and I call heck (replace heck with a stronger word) hour. Here is what is was:
1/2 mile run on the treadmill at a 15 incline
100 each of frog jumps, lunges with weights, spiderman jumps, push-ups, bench dips, jackknife touches and lat pulls. Some of these things have really weird names and I'm not sure why they are called what they are called, I just know that I was getting dizzy part way through (need to eat more prior to a workout) and my shoulders and arms are very tired now and I'm glad they can rest on my desk! As sore and tired as I am, I have such a feeling of accomplishment for being able to do it.

I reflect back to a year ago and I wouldn't be doing this a year ago. I need to work harder at remembering where I was and where I am now when I start my stuggles. Where I am now is so much better than where I was and I remind myself if I didn't make the changes I did, I may not even be keeping a journal right now or still be on the earth. I have to keep this in mind every time I start to feel me sliding backwards. I'm 2/3 of the way to my weight goal and I'd really like to accomplish this by this time next year.

Food today wasn't a lot, but they weren't the best choices either:
Scrambled eggs/toast
Cupcake at a birthday celebration
Pizza (2 slices) at the same birthday celebration
I should have brought my own food like I've done before and I was running late so I didn't

Exercise:
The Gauntlet from heck

Things I'm proud of today:
1. Pushing my heart rate past my AT during the run and not feeling like I was going to die while doing it.
2. Not going overboard at a birthday celebration.

 

[Goofydiane]

YIKES! There is an inch or so of snow on the ground, it is still snowing and I have NO HOT WATER!! I've contacted my contractor to see if this is something simple from the construction, like not opening up a pipe or turning a switch, or something worse. I sure hope it is simple, but I want my hot water!!! My hair person is going to hate me this morning, I'm going in with dirty, workout hair! Thankfully the contactor called his plumber and someone will be here this morning to figure it out.

 

[Goofydiane]

Thankfully got the hot water figured out, the electrician did something when they installed the bathroom fan on Friday morning. Installed the speakers in the walls last night and then realized that the projector that the guy at the store suggested is a square screen and not a 16:9 screen for widescreen viewing, so I have to return/re-order.

Got the summer haircut yesterday which pulled out all the dark color and put in light hi-lites and then cut about 6 inches off. Had to stop by my parents and of course neither of them said anything. It was a lot easier to let this one go because I wasn't expecting them to notice anything. They are the way they are and at their age are not going to change anything. I didn't go out and make bad food choices the rest of the day. I stuck to my plan of coming home, getting hot water and then going and working out and getting soup and salad for dinner.

Food choices:
Lemonade drink
Peanut Butter and cheese sandwich
Vege filled salad
Tomato Basil Soup
M&M Cookie

Exercise:
110 minutes at 139 heart rate, mostly 4.0 incline/3.8 mph

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I didn't go off the deep end after my parents house. I stuck to a plan.
2. I didn't blow a Saturday with junk food.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane,

I am so proud of you for your gauntlet workout (omg that made me feel wiped out just reading about it) and I am also proud you didn't let your parents lack of attention get you down. Family members are typically consistent if nothing else! I can safely say: Your hair looks great!!!!

It is something to really be proud of, all that you have accomplished in the last year. That old Diane has been replaced by someone much stronger and healthier, on the inside and outside. You have come so far and I am so happy you realize that. And you did this yourself, for you. That is always the best recipe for long term success.

GREAT JOB! Glad you got back the hot water and I am sorry about the snow. We were supposed to get some but it blew over thank goodness!

 

[Goofydiane]

I'm enjoying the day of rest, and rest is what I'm doing...I started the day with cross stitching and then just leaned back and took a nap!

I've caught up on most of the stuff I have DVR'd and just got the house in order. What a great Sunday!