Deciding whether to have a second child

[KennesawNemo]

My DH & I are trying to decide whether to have a second child & it is panning out to be one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I'm in my late 30's so time is ticking away & we are either going to TTC in the next few months or not at all.

We have a beautiful daughter, who is just perfect in every way. I would love to give her a sibling & go through the joys of raising a second baby. But, on the other hand, daycare is so expensive, I'm worried about that expense being doubled., as well as expenses in general. I'm also wondering-are we too old to raise two kids???

My practical side is saying stay with just one. She is a wonderful little girl & she will be fine as an only child. But my heart is saying try for a second...... but my wallet is saying don't be stupid......

My DH says he will be happy either way. I will as well, but I am afraid of regrets. I never thought I would ever have one child & I look at her now & I cannot imagine life without her! Everytime I look at that sweet face, I think "Thank goodness we decided to have a baby!"

Anyone been in this situation? What did you ultimately decide & why?

Thank you for any polite input you might have.

I have an almost 8 year old DS and a 3 month old DD. We went through what you described many times before we finally decided we would go for another one.

I am a only child. My mother enjoys spoiling be and invests everything in me (yes, till this day). But the one regret she has is that someday when she and my father are gone, I'll have no one to visit on holidaYs. Silly, but so true!

Now, I feel having Dd is the best decision I ever made. She made us strong as a family. She also brought out a lot of good things in DS8. Love, care, sharing, nurturing-- I would never know he has all those qualities without his little sister.

Sometimes, I just get teary eyed watching DS trying to talk to DD and DD smiling back at DS. It's the most beautiful scene!

 

[Turn the Page]

I have one younger brother. My mom has always said that she wanted four kids. After my brother was born she said she knew she could talk a third child out of my Dad but didn't think she could talk a fourth one out of him and she didn't want an odd number of kids so they stopped with us. She says to this day she regrets that decision.

 

[DESKRoberts]

Dh and I were struggling with these same issues over trying for number 3. But I finally decided that all practicality aside, I know I will never regret having a third. I am positive that I will always regret it if I don't. So, we are now trying for number 3. I still freak out about that decision, but I don't want to have any regrets.

 

[mom2rtk]

One thing is for sure. If you want to do it at all, don't let the grass grow under your feet. But it sounds like you know that already.

I tend to agree with the others who say if you were done, you'd know it. We had trouble getting pregnant the first time so we didn't have time to wait and try for the second. I thought I was done after the second, but then a few years later decided we really weren't done. And now I just can't imagine things any other way. Yes, it's expensive. Yes, it's crazy. Yes, it's hard work. But it's all worth it. All the work and expense multiplies, but so do the payoffs.

I love knowing that when we are gone my kids will have each other. I have loved seeing them learn to be brothers and sister to one another. And dealing with siblings on a daily basis teaches them much about negotiation and compromise.

My husband's parents have been gone for 9 years. He has one sister. It's a very lonely feeling to lose both parents. I think it would be even more lonely to lose them with no siblings around. It's a shared experience nothing else can replace. And now that my husband's sister just lost her own husband, she has turned to my husband (her brother) in a way I have never seen before. They were never that close growing up because she's so much older. But I believe she's quite glad right now to have him there.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[mommy2allgirls]

I have 5 and while we aren't made of money we have always found away for our kids to do every extra activity they want such a dance, a dance competitive team, cheer team, and Girl Scouts etc... They have also been lucky to travel to Disney World several times and even get to go twice this year. They've also traveled to various other states. We make sacrifices but always manage to give them experiences that we feel are important. Is it harder to travel with more kids absolutely but it can be done. I just make sure to save in places where I can.

This works for our family and is perfect for US. I can't imagine life differently. Honestly we thought our 4th was our last one but after 3 years got the surprise of our lives by becoming pregnant. She was the greatest gift ever. This may not work for you and no one can tell you if it will. I do say follow your heart though because if you don't you will more than likely regret it.

Good luck in your decision and just be confident in what you choose and know that it is right for your family

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[mom2rtk]

I have one younger brother. My mom has always said that she wanted four kids. After my brother was born she said she knew she could talk a third child out of my Dad but didn't think she could talk a fourth one out of him and she didn't want an odd number of kids so they stopped with us. She says to this day she regrets that decision.

I am one of 4. My mom always said she didn't want an odd number. I always thought that was sort of silly . Kids will find ways to split up 3 on 1, 2 o 2, 2 on 1, 1 on 1. There's just no way to know. Trust me. Having an even number in no way guarantees nobody is left out. The dynamics were ever shifting.

 

[pixiedustmomma]

I think if you want it even a little bit you need to go for it. I am currently pregnant with my third and I struggled with if we should have another. So did my husband. After having our second he had an appointment to get fixed, but did not keep it. I guess he really made the decision for us. I did tell my husband I wanted to have our third before I turn thirty. Well, I will have this baby the month before my birthday.

I am so happy I had a sibling. We are six years apart, so I was like an only child when my sister went to college. We went to Disney every year, family beach vacations and trips outside the country. My mom stayed home but babysat kids in the neighborhood. My mom got sick in 2003 and I don't know what I would have done without my sister. My dad moved us to Orlando and my sister moved down from NYC to help take care of my mother. We became very close and it was a comfort to be together during that time. I don't know how I would have made it through losing my mom if I didn't have my sister by my side. We were both next to my mom when she took her last breath. My sister is my best friend and I know she is happy my parents kept trying for another, even if it did take six years to get me.

Another perk is my kids have an amazing Aunt!!!

 

[SLK1]

I recently saw this: "Follow your heart but take your brain with you". But on the flip side, I don't think anyone ever regretted having another child...they mainly regret NOT having one.

For those that say you could never do all these great experiences if you had another child...how can you possibly say that? Experiences take on new meanings with a larger family...so maybe that outrageous trip to China with your only child wouldn't happen, but a fun trip to Disney World with two or three of your children, all sharing memories that only siblings can share, would happen. It's all put in perspective once reality sets in.

Good luck!

 

[HelenePA]

On your death bed will you look back and regret having another child or not having one? I wasn't sure about #4 but he's here and keeps me on my toes.. he drives me batty but I wouldn't have it any other way

 

[smitch425]

DD was going to be an only child, but we decided that since we lived away from all of our family that we should have one more. I cannot imagine life without my son. He is such a blessing. Children are a gift from above. If your heart is telling you to go for it, then I say listen. The rest will fall into place. It took us 6 months to get pregnant with DD. With DS, it took two weeks.

 

[mhsjax]

I was in your shoes. We had one, my DH didn't want another one. We ended up with 2 more. I never regretted it for once second. Sure money may be a little tighter. I grew up sort of an only child. My brother and sister were way older than me. My parents spent a lot of money on me, but I would have rather had a sibling close in age. I hated being an "only child"

My kids are so close. I can't imagine them not having each other. For me, I would never have just one child, unless it wasn't possible for some unforeseen reason. I just think that you should have more than one if you can. All the higher education and bigger trips and more stuff can't buy you family when you get older. And as someone else said, people don't regret having too many, but I have seen many regret not having more.

ETA. Another poster stated about how lonely it could be when you lose your parents, especially without siblings. I lost both of mine while in my early 40's I am married with 3 kids. This first thing I said after my father died, was " I am an orphan" I can't explain the feeling, it was horrible. I was grown and independent and yet I felt like an orphan. My sister and brother are a lot older, but we did have each other in this horrible time, I can't imagine not having them.

 

[Mickey Fliers]

This is probably a weird angle to come from, but I want to give my input as an only child.

I honestly love being the only child and love the opportunities that have come with it. Like someone above mentioned, I have gotten to experience a lot of things I never would have if I had siblings.

My family went to Disney every year and we also took trips to go quadding often. Two things that would not have happened so frequently if there were two kids in my family. I also got the chance to go to Europe twice in high school, don't think my parents would have let me go twice if they had another child.

I also am lucky enough to have my parents financing most of my college education after going to private high school. More things made possible by me being an only child.

I also think I have amazing relationships with my parents I would not have if there was another child in the house (I've had this discussion with fellow only children too and they agree on this).

I honestly love being an only child and I really hope that does not sound snobby. Nothing against families with more than one kid but I do think being an only child can open up doors just because its easier when parents only have one kid to focus on and pay for.

Something I want to throw in though. I was lucky enough to grow up with a lot of cousins who lived close to me and were like brothers to me. I think this helped give me the experience of having siblings. Maybe if I had no cousins I would have hated being an only child, who knows!

And I have had the opposite experience. I am an only and as I have gotten older it has really impressed upon me how much I wish I had a sibling. My mom was one of 8 kids and the way I see my aunts and uncles share memories, retell stories, bicker over old grievances...it makes my heart ache for that kind of kindred spirits.

No one else knows the experience I had growing up. No one shares the same stories. When I remember something, I have no one there to tell me I am wrong. When my mother passed suddenly, I was alone. The memories I have of my childhood are mine and mine alone...and that is pretty lonely.

I currently live with a household full of memory makers I made myself. And after 4, I knew I was DONE.

 

[disneylovin24]

And I have had the opposite experience. I am an only and as I have gotten older it has really impressed upon me how much I wish I had a sibling. My mom was one of 8 kids and the way I see my aunts and uncles share memories, retell stories, bicker over old grievances...it makes my heart ache for that kind of kindred spirits.

No one else knows the experience I had growing up. No one shares the same stories. When I remember something, I have no one there to tell me I am wrong. When my mother passed suddenly, I was alone. The memories I have of my childhood are mine and mine alone...and that is pretty lonely.

I currently live with a household full of memory makers I made myself. And after 4, I knew I was DONE.

Like I said, I am very close with my cousins and even as they get older (approaching 30s), I remain very close with them and like to think I will have them my whole life so I am not worried about that. My mom is one of 5 and has great relationships with her siblings, meanwhile my dad is an only child and is just close with my mom's siblings and his best friend from childhood. Don't think he wishes at this point he has siblings at all because he has his friends.

 

[MIGrandma]

I am an only, and I always wished I had a sibling. Brother or sister, it didn't matter. As an only child that was one of the very few things I wanted that I didn't get. I'm 56 now and still wish I had a brother or sister. We always lived in areas with a lot of kids, so I had a lot of friends to play with and I grew up with cousins but "it wasn't the same thing" and I just have always felt I was missing out on something great.

For that reason when DH and I got married we wanted two children. I didn't want just one, to grow up an only like myself. DH didn't want three, as he has two sisters and in his family it was always "two against one" and he didn't like that. And we knew we didn't want four!

Our DS and DD are about 2-1/2 years apart. Sure, they bickered a lot while growing up but now that they are adults they get along great.

Some only children love being an only, as several here have stated. And some are like me and didn't like it. But only you and your DH can decide if you truly want a second child. Good luck in your decision.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Look, this probably isn't fair to say, but as an only child, I would have loved to have a sibling.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I think it's extremely important for a child to have a sibling. Especially as they get older (and as you and your DH get older).

 

[Sgt Mickey]

We have four kids. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if we only had one. I don't think it is necessary for you dd to have a sibling but as a parent you love to see the sibling relationship between your kids and sometimes not....
I think someone had said one time you will never regret having one just regret not.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

I haven't read all the other posts, so I don't know if someone has said this already, but my 2 cents worth is:

Try to take some of the pressure of making this decision off of yourselves. Either road will come with stress and regrets, and either will bring you joy and comfort. There isn't a "right" decision. Either are good. You can't make a wrong choice - like everything else in life, you'll just make a choice, then maximize your happiness with what you've chosen.

Good luck!

 

[palmtreegirl]

Go with your heart.

 

[Kingdome8]

My kids were 8 and almost 5 when we had our third girl. People thought we were nuts since we were fully out of young kid stage. But we love kids and wanted one more. I was 37 and my wife 31. So not old but I felt a little older. But so glad we did. The older kids adore her all the time and the age difference really helps. Of course we did have to get a minivan. Oh well. But I actually like it. Financially if you worry about will I have enuff money with anything you will never do anything. Life's expensive but kids are the best part.