Deciding whether to have a second child

[Pembo]

This is where I am now too. We have two boys, 6.5 and 3.5, and I really want another baby but I am not sure I want to raise a 3rd child. My youngest will go to preschool two mornings a week so I think that will help me gauge if I am ready to get into babyhood again.

I am worried about money and stuff but honestly I figure that will always work itself out. I don't base my decisions on it .... it never seems like enough no matter how much you have or don't have!!

That said ... my decision for #2 came later than I thought. I always knew we would have 2 it was never really a question. The question was when. When DS #1 was a baby I couldn't imagine another one. Everyone was telling me that when he hits about 10 months I'd start feeling ready for #2. Well that didn't come until he was 18 months old at least and then it took another 10 or so months to get pregnant.

My boys were 6 and almost 4 when I had dd. I got pregnant the fall that #1 went to k and #2 went to preschool. I signed up for an aerobics class while he was in preschool and was totally enjoying my time alone...then I got pg. It was nice to have 2 mornings a week to myself while pg.

 

[bdcp]

When DH and I had our two, we went back and forth on having a third. I will tell you this. I never regretted having two and we really wish now that we'd had 3. More people I know regret not having an additional one or two. I know no one who regretted having the kids they do. I'm 53 and DH and I regret stopping with two. Our boys are wonderful adults, but we had all the "right" reasons for our decision then, financial, etc. But, we now realize that wasn't important. I know several families who make no more than we do who have 4-6 children and they all make it work. Kids don't need to go to WDW every year. They really don't. They also don't need every single thing paid for. Material things just aren't as important. We really regret stopping with two and I know others who do too.

 

[Southernmiss]

We always said two maybe three kids and were gifted with four! I couldn't imagine life without any of them. Now that one is in college and the other three are 11 14 and 16 our house is quickly getting quieter and four doesn't seem like that many kids. We won't have any more, but if we would have that would have been ok, too. Our kids are the fourth generation of four kid families on my dad's side!

 

[camreesmom]

We always said two maybe three kids and were gifted with four! I couldn't imagine life without any of them. Now that one is in college and the other three are 11 14 and 16 our house is quickly getting quieter and four doesn't seem like that many kids. We won't have any more, but if we would have that would have been ok, too. Our kids are the fourth generation of four kid families on my dad's side!

I know where you're coming from......DH & I have 8 between us, yours, mine & ours. We're down to just three at home still....DD17, DD14 & DD10. Our house seems REALLY quiet these days even though other people probably don't think so. Right now, I'm really glad we didn't stop at just one together because she'll be leaving for college in less than a year & I can't imagine not having ANY kids at home!!!

 

[Becky2005]

I am one of 4. My mom always said she didn't want an odd number. I always thought that was sort of silly . Kids will find ways to split up 3 on 1, 2 o 2, 2 on 1, 1 on 1. There's just no way to know. Trust me. Having an even number in no way guarantees nobody is left out. The dynamics were ever shifting.

The odd number my have nothing to do with them not ganging up on each other. In my case, I'm one that wanted 4 because I didn't want an odd number. It was completely a logical reason -- I am the 3rd child -- so we had a family of 5. The world is mostly set-up for 4 or 6 at places. I was always the one sitting in the chair pulled up to the booth made for 4 people.

Even hotel rooms are set-up that way -- we always had the cot (which I actually loved sleeping in) but a lot of hotels got rid of those and went to bigger beds -- so most sleep 4 or 6 people (occassionally 8).

Also way back when....I always had to sit on the "hump" in the station wagon because I was the smallest/youngest -- now that really isn't a big deal with the cars today but it is just my personal experience.

I would say to the OP that since in your heart you are feeling that tug, I would at least try. I know for me, I always wanted at least 4 (i.e. not an odd number). I wasn't 100% we were going to have 4 though as I wanted to be done having children at 35 (everyone is different but that was just what I knew would work for me). Basically, it boiled down to if I was 35 and had only 3 children, I would have been fine with that also and had been mentally preparing myself for it. I ended up finding out I was pregnant with baby #4 the year I turned 35, so I was 35 when I delivered him.

Financially, you just do what you have to do...unless you happen to have a crystal ball. The day I found out I was pregnant with baby #4 was the same day DH got laid off from a job he fully intended to retire from and had been there almost 10 years and I was a SAHM then...so all in one day...lost our only source of income and found out we were expecting baby #4. That was not expected at all but our little one will be 10 this year and we have muddled our way through.

I'm also one that thinks you know when you are done. I am fully content with the size of our family right now and never have any twinge of wanting another child. I did have those twinges before being done.

 

[katiee37]

The OP knows her life, her family, and herself better than anyone on here. It really is up to her ultimately what she decides is the best.

With that said, a couple insights:

I am an only child and my mom had me when she was 40. She had dreamt of a large family because she herself is an only child, but she didn't get married until her late 30s and by the time she had me, her child-bearing years were pretty much over. She was actually regretting getting pregnant with me because she was running a 50/50 chance of having a child with extreme disabilities--in part because of her age and in part because of family history--and she didn't think it would be fair to me if I did end up having something. Of course that's something way out of her control, but when I was born and ended up spending my first weeks in the NICU when it seemed like I was on the losing end of the 50/50, she knew right then and there she didn't want to have that ordeal again.

I always wanted a sibling growing up, to the point I didn't have imaginary friends--I had an imaginary brother. My parents had just divorced and my mom had full custody of me, so when we moved to our new house no one we met knew our family dynamic. I still remember telling my neighbor that my "brother" lived with my dad at our old house and since I talked about what he "liked" so much, my neighbor bought me AND him a Christmas present that year, based on what she knew about me and what I had told her about my "brother." That must have been an awkward conversation my mom had to have with my neighbor to say that I didn't have a real brother...

My aunt and uncle also wanted a large family, but had an incredible difficult time getting pregnant. They eventually did with a girl, but unfortunately miscarried soon after. They waited a few years to try again, and were blessed with a boy...and then miscarried again. They wanted the third (or fourth) but they didn't want the heartache again.

13 years later they had a surprise baby girl, during their oldest daughter's senior year of high school and their son's freshman year. And unfortunately, they miscarried again within a year of having her. Now, their oldest graduated college, their middle is in college and their youngest is in first grade. It probably wouldn't have happened if they hadn't miscarried as much as they had, and although that's a form of heartbreak they had to endure three separate times, they couldn't be happier with their three and their age differences.

 

[aristocatz]

I guess I am also worried about the age thing

I am in my late 30's-I only got married a few years ago. My current baby is developing very well-wonderfully, actually My pregnancy with her was fine (with the exception of well controlled gestational diabetes in my 3rd trimester). I had alot of anxiety throughout my pregnancy(in hindsight, it was over reacting anxiety!) & labor with her was a breeze-a very beautiful experience. But the age factor and risks is also a big part of my struggle to make this decision, in addition to finances. I am very worried about my second baby having complications & my guilt if that happened, due to my age. What is helping me stay positive is my wonderful OB used to tell me that it is quite common & no big deal at my age to have a baby & people my age do it all the time & give birth to healthy babies.

 

[mom2rtk]

I guess I am also worried about the age thing

I am in my late 30's-I only got married a few years ago. My current baby is developing very well-wonderfully, actually My pregnancy with her was fine (with the exception of well controlled gestational diabetes in my 3rd trimester). I had alot of anxiety throughout my pregnancy(in hindsight, it was over reacting anxiety!) & labor with her was a breeze-a very beautiful experience. But the age factor and risks is also a big part of my struggle to make this decision, in addition to finances. I am very worried about my second baby having complications & my guilt if that happened, due to my age. What is helping me stay positive is my wonderful OB used to tell me that it is quite common & no big deal at my age to have a baby & people my age do it all the time & give birth to healthy babies.

I had my 3rd at 37. She is 13 now. I am indeed one of the older moms and have been all the way through. But I live in a blue collar area where people tend to have their children younger. You could very well feel that in your area it's just the norm.

I do feel it though. I don't have the same energy I do when my boys were little. I had to go through my first routine mammogram shortly after stopping nursing. And when it came up questionable I was devastated to think I could be facing such a health crisis when my daughter was too young to remember me. Thankfully it all turned out fine. But that is the sort of issue you face as an "older" mom.

But there are so many positive trade-offs. Having a child at an older age makes you feel the age, but it keeps you young as well. It's really hard to describe.

There are issues, but never once have I second-guessed. Yes, I would like the financial part to be easier. But not if it meant doing it with one less child.

I know it's a cliché, but quite frequently when in the midst of questions like this, I do ask myself which alternative I will regret more on my deathbed. And things really come into focus.

 

[aristocatz]

I had my 3rd at 37. She is 13 now. I am indeed one of the older moms and have been all the way through. But I live in a blue collar area where people tend to have their children younger. You could very well feel that in your area it's just the norm.

I do feel it though. I don't have the same energy I do when my boys were little. I had to go through my first routine mammogram shortly after stopping nursing. And when it came up questionable I was devastated to think I could be facing such a health crisis when my daughter was too young to remember me. Thankfully it all turned out fine. But that is the sort of issue you face as an "older" mom.

But there are so many positive trade-offs. Having a child at an older age makes you feel the age, but it keeps you young as well. It's really hard to describe.

There are issues, but never once have I second-guessed. Yes, I would like the financial part to be easier. But not if it meant doing it with one less child.

I know it's a cliché, but quite frequently when in the midst of questions like this, I do ask myself which alternative I will regret more on my deathbed. And things really come into focus.

Thank you for sharing that-your post is very helpful for my thought process

 

[mom2rtk]

Thank you for sharing that-your post is very helpful for my thought process

So glad it helped. Best of luck with your decision.

BTW..... my love of Disney didn't really get to blossom until my daughter and I started watching the Aristocats over ..... and over..... and over.... when she was a toddler. Just yesterday we were talking about "Limited Time Magic" and the various promotions. I told her about Long Lost Friends week and we fantasized about how cool it would be to have Toulouse, Berlioz and Marie out together. She looked me straight in the eye and said "We would have to fly down immediately." She would love your avatar.

Now that my boys (18 and 20) are both in college, my tired body and brain would love to slow down a bit. And I'm sure we'd be fine if they were it and we really could slow down a little. But I'm oh so grateful to have her pulling me back out of my seat and keeping me on my toes. Oh so grateful to not be done with this "little" kid thing just yet.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

DH and I have been thinking of trying for a 3rd.

The main thing holding us back was my fear of having twins AGAIN!

He had the big "V" two years ago but it wasn't 100% successful. (I don't know how...) Knowing this we still use BC, but once he starts this new job when he returns from deployment next year we have decided to stop "avoiding" it. If it happens it happens.

 

[taylor3297]

I had dd at age 36 and ds at age 40. My kids are currently 10 and 6. Yes, I am an older mom who on occasion has been asked if my kids were my grand kids.

I was one who wasn't ever going to have kids, then I had dd. DS wasn't actually planned but in the end that was okay.

If you try to plan it out financially it will seem daunting, but in the end it all seems to work out.

This is a hard decision to make, but whatever you decide, don't worry about regrets.