Deciding whether to have a second child

[Christine]

I am an only and love it. Never wished for a sibling once I was past the age of 5 or so!!

Anyway, I would let that concern be your deciding factor.

Do you WANT to parent another child again? Did you love it? Enjoy it? Want to experience it again? Then go for it. If you'd rather not go through all that again, then don't. My mom made the decision when I was 8 years old not to have another. She liked her life as it was (freedom to go on trips, having the extra money, not being tied down to a baby). She just didn't want to go back to that.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

Go with your heart, the rest will work itself out. I went through the same thing when trying to decide if we should have a third. DH definitely wanted more kids, and I wasn't sure. But, I didn't feel "done." We decided to put it in God's hands and I got my answer the first time I took a test and it was negative...and I was disappointed. Now I am pregnant and I can say with certainty I feel like this is the last one!

 

[Pigeon]

The situation will work out either way. We also struggled with it. Dh wanted a second, I didn't, particularly. We ended up with two, but I see a strong upside to one, as well.

Dh and I both came from huge families. Neither of us wanted big families and agreed two was the absolute max. We have over 20 nieces and nephews. Some are only children.

The only children had, in many ways, better childhoods. There were more resources and more attention. They all were able to experience more activities, travel, and have parents who can fund their graduate studies because they only had one kid.

I don't regret having two really, but I see the advantage to one. My kids are moderately close, but I think they'd have been fine without a sibling. You never know what kind of relationship will develop. I am not at all close with any of my myriad siblings, nor is dh. Some of the nieces and nephews with siblings are close, but many are not.

I guess I think you should do what you want to do. I don't see much merit in the idea that you have to provide a sibling for your child.

 

[JediBonas]

My DH & I are trying to decide whether to have a second child & it is panning out to be one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I'm in my late 30's so time is ticking away & we are either going to TTC in the next few months or not at all.

We have a beautiful daughter, who is just perfect in every way. I would love to give her a sibling & go through the joys of raising a second baby. But, on the other hand, daycare is so expensive, I'm worried about that expense being doubled., as well as expenses in general. I'm also wondering-are we too old to raise two kids???

My practical side is saying stay with just one. She is a wonderful little girl & she will be fine as an only child. But my heart is saying try for a second...... but my wallet is saying don't be stupid......

My DH says he will be happy either way. I will as well, but I am afraid of regrets. I never thought I would ever have one child & I look at her now & I cannot imagine life without her! Everytime I look at that sweet face, I think "Thank goodness we decided to have a baby!"

Anyone been in this situation? What did you ultimately decide & why?

Thank you for any polite input you might have.

Kinda, but slightly different. We have twins after dealing with infertility for years. I would love more (and we have a couple embryos "on ice" but my husband feels like he's too old and is worried about keeping up with another (today's his 40th bday, I'm 34).

As much as I really, really want another I've finally let the idea go. Right now we can afford to give the twins a great life, college education, etc. our family dynamic with them is also great and I'd hate to change that, and for them to get less attention (since they already have to share attention).

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I'm another only child who loved my lot in life. I'm actually a second generation only child, and DD is pretty much on her way to be a third generation only. I could probably be convinced to have another, but DH is pretty emphatic about having only one. He grew up with two half siblings (and another he didn't grow up with) and did not have good experiences with them.

There was a time when I was very young when I wanted a little brother. But I would also have taken a puppy instead and been just as happy. I grew out of that by the time I was 4 or so.

 

[joanne312]

Many people here are only children saying they wish they had a sibling. However, there is no way of guaranteeing that your sibling would be your BFF, or that you would even get along. I know a lot of people that do not get along with siblings and they are a constant cause of aggravation, or people that haven't seen or talked to their siblings in years. I know everyone thinks, well that would never happen to MY kids, but it does. My father is one of five and there is constant fighting and bickering since his parents are very elderly and ill. Each of the five has a different opinion on their care, what should be done, being mad about what this one said to that one, why this one didn't help with this or that. And that's not even including their spouses in the mix. It is constant drama. Compared to my husband that's an only, caring for his parents will be much easier. It's just us. Yes, it will be our responsibility, but we won't have to argue with other people about what decisions to make.

I know that financials are a big piece of the equation. When we were making this decision, it weighed heavily on me. Am I doing this all because of money? Am I being selfish by not having more kids because I want to be able to travel, etc? How I reconciled this, is I thought about if I were to win the lotto. If I suddenly were to have a ton of money,and financials weren't in the picture, would I still want to have just my son? For me, the answer was still yes. If you think about it that way, if you had the money for #2 all of the sudden, what would you do? That will take the financials out of the picture and show you where your heart really is. I sometimes think about the excitement of finding out you're pregnant, finding out the gender, picking names. When I have thought about having more kids, I find that I'm just wanting to experience that excitement again, not that I actually want another child in our family. Our family feels right, feels complete, and feels whole.

Best of luck in your decision.

 

[JediBonas]

Many people here are only children saying they wish they had a sibling. However, there is no way of guaranteeing that your sibling would be your BFF, or that you would even get along. I know a lot of people that do not get along with siblings and they are a constant cause of aggravation, or people that haven't seen or talked to their siblings in years. I know everyone thinks, well that would never happen to MY kids, but it does. My father is one of five and there is constant fighting and bickering since his parents are very elderly and ill. Each of the five has a different opinion on their care, what should be done, being mad about what this one said to that one, why this one didn't help with this or that. And that's not even including their spouses in the mix. It is constant drama. Compared to my husband that's an only, caring for his parents will be much easier. It's just us. Yes, it will be our responsibility, but we won't have to argue with other people about what decisions to make.

I know that financials are a big piece of the equation. When we were making this decision, it weighed heavily on me. Am I doing this all because of money? Am I being selfish by not having more kids because I want to be able to travel, etc? How I reconciled this, is I thought about if I were to win the lotto. If I suddenly were to have a ton of money,and financials weren't in the picture, would I still want to have just my son? For me, the answer was still yes. If you think about it that way, if you had the money for #2 all of the sudden, what would you do? That will take the financials out of the picture and show you where your heart really is. I sometimes think about the excitement of finding out you're pregnant, finding out the gender, picking names. When I have thought about having more kids, I find that I'm just wanting to experience that excitement again, not that I actually want another child in our family. Our family feels right, feels complete, and feels whole.

Best of luck in your decision.

I somewhat have an idea. My brother and I have a 10 year age difference, so I was pretty much raised an only child and sometimes it still feels like it. We never really got along growing up and yes, he's my brother and I love him, but we don't contact each other or anything and only see each other when we're both at our parents house. My dad is an only child and always wanted a sibling, my mom is one of six and there is still soo much drama with her sisters I don't know how she stands it.

 

[disneylovin24]

I think it's extremely important for a child to have a sibling. Especially as they get older (and as you and your DH get older).

I don't think its extremely important at all. I still have a lot of life left, but I don't see how my life would be better with a sibling. Life I said, if anything it would be worse. I'm not saying having multiple children is a bad thing, my mom is very close with her 4 siblings and its great, I'm just saying having one is not a bad thing.

 

[disneylovin24]

I'm another only child who loved my lot in life. I'm actually a second generation only child, and DD is pretty much on her way to be a third generation only. I could probably be convinced to have another, but DH is pretty emphatic about having only one. He grew up with two half siblings (and another he didn't grow up with) and did not have good experiences with them.

There was a time when I was very young when I wanted a little brother. But I would also have taken a puppy instead and been just as happy. I grew out of that by the time I was 4 or so.

I got a puppy at age 8 and it made me very happy

I never even wanted a sibling, I just always wanted a puppy!

 

[Pigeon]

I don't think its extremely important at all. I still have a lot of life left, but I don't see how my life would be better with a sibling. Life I said, if anything it would be worse. I'm not saying having multiple children is a bad thing, my mom is very close with her 4 siblings and its great, I'm just saying having one is not a bad thing.

Yeah, I don't think having a sibling is all that important, either. I've got scads of them and we aren't close, same with dh. We don't hate each other, but even though most of us live in the same town, we rarely see each other.

As for needing a sibling to deal with aging parents, a thousand times no. There is no guarantee that they will be any help at all. My FIL died last year after a horrible period. Dh's brothers were not only unhelpful, they actively made the situation much worse. One of them ran roughshod over every plan the man had made for his funeral and he talked his mother into spending tens of thousands of dollars on funeral expenses my FIL would have hated and expressly stated he did not want.

My MIL is 90, and they are either in total denial about her needing some assistance or they treat her like a five year old and just upset her. We do 95% of what needs to be done and get nothing but unhelpful advice or commentary.

 

[peyjax]

AHH the classic how many kids should you have debate!! It is a good one and everyone and their mother has an opinion!
I agree with many others. You know when your done. The only child debate is interesting because only children seemed to be split down the middle, some love it and some hate it. To be honest the only ones I heard who love it are the people posting on these boards. IRL most seem to not like it.

Personally I say do what is right for you and your husband. If it was up to my older son he would have 5 more brothers and sisters. If it was up to my middle son he would be an only.

I will say one more thing. Going from 1 to 2 is honestly not that bad. Financially it is usually doable and not that big of an impact. Now going from 2 to 3 is life altering!!! Financially and mentally Of course your mileage may vary!

 

[HelenePA]

We have four kids. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if we only had one. I don't think it is necessary for you dd to have a sibling but as a parent you love to see the sibling relationship between your kids and sometimes not....
I think someone had said one time you will never regret having one just regret not.

My life would have been SOOOO boring with one kid!:I have lots kids of every age here everyday and its is rather awesome (and a little crazy at times!) I complain about it a little on facebook but man I wouldn't have it any other way.. kids are great if you get to know them. My house is the "fun" house and I hope that never changes.

 

[njmom47]

As the mother of 3 kids who are pretty close in age, I might have spaced them apart a little more. But my story might be a little different b/c dds are from my first marriage, and when I met current dh he had not been married nor had children. Problem was, I had had my tubes tied after dd#2. So I prayed and hoped that somehow I could have a child with my new guy, and as it turned out, it was meant to be, and he was a boy!
That's how I knew our family was complete.

Financially, it's been a little tough, although we only have one going to college. But somehow, we always make it.

I also am somewhat of an only. I was adopted and have an adopted brother (we're fairly close but not especially) and since both my biological parents are deceased and I have no other blood siblings, I REALLY feel alone in this world.

DH is one of 7 and the siblings are rather split due to a percieved "dis" to one of the sisters years ago.

So I would say there is no hard and fast rule about how big or small your family is, whether siblings will all get along or not, etc.

 

[MomRN]

This is such a personal decision. I have a 19 year old step-daughter and 7 year old son. If I knew 6 years ago what I know now, I would have like to have another. However, financially we weren't prepared. My son was a surprise, and born in the middle of me going to nursing school, my husband unemployed, and us living off my grandmother and the government.

Now we are more financially stable, but I don't want to have another large gap between kids.

Plus, I've gotten use to this thing called sleep, something I did not get hardly any of the first 2 years of my sons life (between him, full-time schooling, and part-time work). I can't even motivate myself to go back to school because I love it so much.

 

[hops&dreams]

OP - I have not read all the replies, but I think only you and your husband can judge what is best for your family and your situation. I understand that asking is for a broad idea of what made other people know, one way or the other.

For my experience, DD will be our only. She was a (very unexpected) surprise, but a welcome one. We had a rough start - young parents, early/life threatening delivery- but over the years have continued to work toward our goals (financial and career). At this point, I would say we are doing well, and extremely well, considering our age.

As much as I wanted another baby along the way, DH could never justify risking my life again, so we always took precaution to prevent another pregnancy. We decided if I got pregnant in spite of the measures we had taken, then it was meant to be. I get overwhelming bouts of "baby-fever" and I do sometimes think "it's not fair" when I hear that someone we know is pregnant - so many can't handle their 1 and they are going on to 3 or more! But DH and I know that DD is the center of our universe, and that if we had added more along the way, we would have jeopardized not only our financial goals, but our ability to be the best parents we can be for our daughter (having another baby would most likely have been life threatening to me again, and adopting would have cost so much, it would have thrown our financial stability in the toilet!). As we are, we are able to give her the time, attention, and experiences that we always wanted to, while still having time for ourselves and each other.

That's my 2¢. YMMV

Good luck with your decision.

 

[PoohNBoom]

I felt like chiming in because the only reason I lurk on these boards is because of my sister. Her family and mine have taken Disney cruises, gone to Disneyland and Disneyworld, and done other non-Disney vacations together. We have done family vacations with each other almost every year for the last 12 years.

Looking at my kids, DS 19 and DD 16, I see how well they are getting along with each other as they mature. I see them having the same type of relationship that I have with my sister.

However, having said this... Make sure that you want to have another one for YOURSELF first.

 

[yoopermom]

Another parent of an only chiming in with my 2 cents worth...

I never minded *only* having DS, I was a teacher so could spend all my afterschool hours running him to his activities, cheering him on, going to movies and on vacations together, etc. DH worked two jobs, long hard hours, so DS and I were very, very close.

Fast forward to now when he is about to leave for college. For the first time in 18 years I am in DEEP regret over not having another, if not two more. I am proud of him for growing up, distancing himself, and becoming his own person, but I wish I could be a mom for a few more years! I never, ever in a million years thought I would feel this way, but I do.

So I know it's hard, but think not only about now, but the future, as well.

They grow up so fast!

Terri

 

[ashley0139]

I just think that you should have more than one if you can.

Wow, seriously? Well, if mhsjax thinks everyone SHOULD have more than one kid, you better do it! Heaven forbid someone only want one child. But that doesn't matter, because you SHOULD. That's quite a statement to make.

OP- don't listen to people saying "oh I was an only child and I always wanted a sibling." The grass is always greener. They are assuming their sibling would be their best friend. There's no guarantee your kids would be close. My brother and I are two very different people and not all that close. It has to be YOUR decision.

 

[jetskigrl]

Oh, I remember that decision well

My DD was 4 and we started our family later in life. We were running out of time to make the decision. I thought the same way as many others, that financially we would be so much better off with just one, etc.

But my heart wasn't convinced. I have a wonderful relationship with my sister and I really wanted my DD to have a chance to experience the same thing (not a guarantee, of course, but a chance to experience that).

So we started trying and along came DS. Once he was born, I knew I was done. Our family was complete.

Yep, things were tight financially for a while but once DS was in school full time, we were able to start taking more vacations, etc. I worry about college but the 5-year difference between the kids will help that.

A couple of weeks ago we jumped in the car on a Friday night to head to Disneyland to see the fireworks. The kids, as usual, were bickering back and forth (as a 15-year old girl and 10-year old boy will do). We decided to stop and ride Pirates. The kids were seated in the front with DH and I right behind them. As the boat was about to go over the first drop, I watched my DD put her arm protectively around her little brother (not because he was afraid or anything, but just because). Now I cannot speak for what is right for any other family, but in that moment, I was absolutely sure that our decision was right for us

 

[Christine]

But my heart wasn't convinced. I have a wonderful relationship with my sister and I really wanted my DD to have a chance to experience the same thing (not a guarantee, of course, but a chance to experience that).

I think we all tend to think that what we grew up with is what is "right" for ourselves. I was an only child and that's all I wanted. One child, a daughter, so I could have the same dynamic that me and mother mother had.

After my daughter was born, I felt "done" too. Then I got pregnant due to failed birth control and that really threw me for a loop. I certainly don't regret my second child, but I would have never planned it that way. More than one child was a foreign concept to me, much as "only" children seem unnatural to people with siblings. You just can't comprehend it. You want what you grew up with for them.

As far as other people's comments about "you know when you're done." Well, I didn't really. Of course, after I had my "one" I thought I was done because that's all that was drilled in my head. But after #2 came and rocked my world, it was very hard for me to make that decision to stop. I kept having all the what ifs. But I knew in my brain that we could probably not deal with more than two kids in any way. I'm sure if I had ended up with three or four, I would have never regretted it though.