DD17 thinks she can go out every night!

[jmpurdy]

I agree totally about there isn't any reason a teen needs to be out past 10:00PM on weeknights. We had the same rule on school nights. Staying out late really has no bearing on what they do in college. It's about responsibility and you are giving the responsibility to be home at a certain time. She is already exhibiting good choices. And sticking to your guns shows that you have boundaries. Good for you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

...but there are certain times where there is no compromise with regard to family. That goes for adults as well

O M G......
Just wow....

And, let me guess, it is you, as the 'matriarch', who gets to make the decision about what is expected 'without compromise'.

I have a husband and a child, and I can tell you that my relationship and obligations to my husband, and my child while well underaged, are the ONLY things that I consider 'no compromise'.

 

[Magpie]

O M G......
Just wow....

And, let me guess, it is you, as the 'matriarch', who gets to make the decision about what is expected 'without compromise'.

I have a husband and a child, and I can tell you that my relationship and obligations to my husband, and my child while well underaged, are the ONLY things that I consider 'no compromise'.

 

[MELSMICE]

Originally Posted by DebD4T
...but there are certain times where there is no compromise with regard to family. That goes for adults as well

Are you sure you are not my SIL?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Not unless your SIL is also my MIL!!!

 

[DebD4T]

O M G......
Just wow....

And, let me guess, it is you, as the 'matriarch', who gets to make the decision about what is expected 'without compromise'.

I have a husband and a child, and I can tell you that my relationship and obligations to my husband, and my child while well underaged, are the ONLY things that I consider 'no compromise'.

Actually DH and I are in agreement with regards to what is expected. We have quite a large family and if there is a family obligation, we all attend. (except DS who is away at college) Our obligations are to each other and our children, but honestly, we feel just as strong about our obligations to extended family also. And our children are very close to their grandparents, aunt, uncles and cousins. I find it sad that I have to defend myself for valuing family above friends.

I keep reading your "as the matriarch" comment and can't help myself from cracking up. I am far from the dictator that you seem to think I am. Sorry if I came across that way.

Are you sure you are not my SIL?

Nope. Not your sister-in-law. And I take it that comment wasn't a compliment.

 

[Planogirl]

I hated spending much time with my parents when I was a 17 year old. It just wasn't cool. My mother watched lame TV shows and my Dad watched sports. That would have been a blast for me at that age. That changed later of course but even my strict father understood that I wanted to be with friends or in my room for a while. My curfew was also midnight on the weekends. I remember complaining because I had friends that could stay out even later. 10 PM? I feel fortunate now.

Our son is 17 and he is OK with hanging out with us sometimes but I guarantee that if something comes up with friends, he is much more interested in that. I expect that and understand it and I won't stand in his way in most cases.

As for six hours of homework per night, I agree that it will happen from time to time. I was reacting to a kid having six hours of homework EVERY night. That to me is awful.

 

[MELSMICE]

Nope. Not your sister-in-law. And I take it that comment wasn't a compliment.

I love my SIL.....we get along well, but she can be a real challenge. I let DH deal with her. As much as I know I shouldn't let it get to me some things just irk me.

I should not have to hear how terrible it is that we will be gone at a basketball tournament on Mother's Day & that we "must" get to my MIL's house.

I don't like getting phone calls telling my DH, "Tomorrow is mom & dad's anniversary. You & your brother need to go there to have a drink with them. I have to work."

We are old enough to know when birthdays are so a phone call saying, "This weekend is mom's birthday. Everyone is expected to be there at some point during the day to celebrate with her. I have to work but my husband & kids are going. He'll see you there."

The list goes on. Seriously!

Luckily, DH deals with her. He really doesn't care what his younger sister has to tell him. In all honestly, I've seen him put the phone down until she's done with her mantra, then pick it back up & say, "OK, thank for calling."

We make all the family functions we can, but if there is something I am unable to attend, I will not be made to feel guilty about it.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I can see your point in this. I told my oldest DD that she can go out on the weekends until 11:30, and during the week she had to be in by 9:00. She can't go out every single night during the week (it depends on what is going on), but the weekends are always open. I have never had a problem with her though, because she is a home body like me.

Even when she is in college and at home, this will be my rule. My house, my rules.

 

[IUTBAM]

I think a 10 p.m. curfew on weeknights for social activities is reasonable. Of course, if a teen is working or has a school function on a weeknight, then 10 p.m. might not work.

That being said, I think my 17 y/o (senior in high school) DD is very unusual for her age. Doing well in school is the most important thing to her (next to family...I'm beyond thrilled that she actually enjoys hanging out with her father, brother and I). She has a straight A average (with all honors and AP classes in science and math), and is taking 3 AP classes this year, and it's a common occurence for her to be doing school work on weeknights from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. (with a break for dinner and a shower). Does she love that? No, but she knows it's the reason she's had every Ivy League college contact her, and also the reason she's getting a full ride scholarship. She typically goes out one weekend night with her boyfriend (who is in college and has the same academic mindset that she does), and spends the other night with us doing family things. But during the week, she's all business doing school work after school...and that's her choice. She has to get up at 5:15 a.m. every school day, so by 10 p.m., she can barely keep her eyes open! I'm not worried about her being able to handle college coursework...even though she has her sights set on becoming a doctor.

 

[cruisnfamily]

Prior to any statements I might make here I wanted to list my qualifications as the mom of a DD18 who is a high school senior and a DS15 who is a high school freshman.

I want to say that I'm all on board with the OPs parenting style.

We all know our kids best and do what we think is right but I do believe they still need guidance. That is why they still live at home with mom and dad at this point in their lives. And I also believe that family comes first. The fact that the teens prefer to spend time with their friends and "that's just the way it is" doesn't influence me in the least. Just because it "is how it is" doesn't mean that it's right or that I have to agree to it or like it.

Before everybody says either "but your DD is 18 she is an ADULT" or "Next year when she is in college...." Let me tell you what I think about that: Next year is next year. Next year is NOT this year. As far as the whole adult thing, unless she is self supporting and independent she's not an adult in my eyes. She's still a high school student living at home and being supported by mommy and daddy.

DD18 is very, very social. She has a boyfriend she's been dating for over a year and many friends. She is not in any sports/theater/clubs/etc. She does fine in school, As and Bs on all report cards. She also has a part time job as a cashier at a supermarket. She would, if allowed, spend every waking moment with the boyfriend or other friends.

OK, so now here is how we do it. DD18 basically doesn't go out on school nights. There is the occasional sporting event that she will attend or an occasional special circumstance. But for the most part, come dinner time on a school day, everybody is home for the night. This is how we've always done it and everybody is fine with this. We make adjustments for special events but on a regular run of the mill school night nobody goes out.

On weekends there is no set in stone curfew. It is determined by the activity. If she is doing something that requires her to be out at a particular hour, say a movie that ends at midnight, then she's expected to come home immediately afterward. If she is just "hanging out" somewhere or doing something with no set time frame, she is expected to be home by 11pm. I just don't see any need to be out past that time. She is also not allowed to just leave the house with no set destination in mind. She lets us know where she's going and with who.

So there you have it, the strictest parents of a high school senior on the dis.

 

[MrsPete]

Prior to any statements I might make here I wanted to list my qualifications as the mom of a DD18 who is a high school senior and a DS15 who is a high school freshman.

I want to say that I'm all on board with the OPs parenting style.

We all know our kids best and do what we think is right but I do believe they still need guidance. That is why they still live at home with mom and dad at this point in their lives. And I also believe that family comes first. The fact that the teens prefer to spend time with their friends and "that's just the way it is" doesn't influence me in the least. Just because it "is how it is" doesn't mean that it's right or that I have to agree to it or like it.

Before everybody says either "but your DD is 18 she is an ADULT" or "Next year when she is in college...." Let me tell you what I think about that: Next year is next year. Next year is NOT this year. As far as the whole adult thing, unless she is self supporting and independent she's not an adult in my eyes. She's still a high school student living at home and being supported by mommy and daddy.

DD18 is very, very social. She has a boyfriend she's been dating for over a year and many friends. She is not in any sports/theater/clubs/etc. She does fine in school, As and Bs on all report cards. She also has a part time job as a cashier at a supermarket. She would, if allowed, spend every waking moment with the boyfriend or other friends.

OK, so now here is how we do it. DD18 basically doesn't go out on school nights. There is the occasional sporting event that she will attend or an occasional special circumstance. But for the most part, come dinner time on a school day, everybody is home for the night. This is how we've always done it and everybody is fine with this. We make adjustments for special events but on a regular run of the mill school night nobody goes out.

On weekends there is no set in stone curfew. It is determined by the activity. If she is doing something that requires her to be out at a particular hour, say a movie that ends at midnight, then she's expected to come home immediately afterward. If she is just "hanging out" somewhere or doing something with no set time frame, she is expected to be home by 11pm. I just don't see any need to be out past that time. She is also not allowed to just leave the house with no set destination in mind. She lets us know where she's going and with who.

So there you have it, the strictest parents of a high school senior on the dis.

I could've written every word of this.

I've never been on board with the idea of a "curfew", which basically means go out and do whatever you please . . . but be home by X:00. My teens tell me what they want to do, I say yes or no, and then I set the time they need to be home. Sometimes that's 9:00, other times it's past midnight. Since they don't do the same things all the time and since we don't have the same set of circumstances every day, it makes no sense to have one time for every day.

I also agree that high schoolers need to be home in the evenings (most of the time) during the week.

 

[Cinderella94]

I'm a 16 year old senior in HS. I don't even want to go out during the week; I'm too tired after getting up at 5:45 and all I really wanna do is work on homework, eat dinner, do homework some more and then be lazy until bed. On the weekends, I don't have a set "curfew," I just tell my parents what my friends and I want to do that night and when we think we'll be finished. I'm usually home between 11:00 and midnight and it works for us.

 

[cruisnfamily]

I could've written every word of this.

I've never been on board with the idea of a "curfew", which basically means go out and do whatever you please . . . but be home by X:00. My teens tell me what they want to do, I say yes or no, and then I set the time they need to be home. Sometimes that's 9:00, other times it's past midnight. Since they don't do the same things all the time and since we don't have the same set of circumstances every day, it makes no sense to have one time for every day.

I also agree that high schoolers need to be home in the evenings (most of the time) during the week.

Thanks for the backup!

And I could have written your paragraph on the idea of curfew word for word as well!

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

This:

I've never been on board with the idea of a "curfew", which basically means go out and do whatever you please . . . but be home by X:00. My teens tell me what they want to do, I say yes or no, and then I set the time they need to be home. Sometimes that's 9:00, other times it's past midnight. Since they don't do the same things all the time and since we don't have the same set of circumstances every day, it makes no sense to have one time for every day.

I also agree that high schoolers need to be home in the evenings (most of the time) during the week.

 

[MELSMICE]

Originally Posted by MrsPete
I could've written every word of this.

I've never been on board with the idea of a "curfew", which basically means go out and do whatever you please . . . but be home by X:00. My teens tell me what they want to do, I say yes or no, and then I set the time they need to be home. Sometimes that's 9:00, other times it's past midnight. Since they don't do the same things all the time and since we don't have the same set of circumstances every day, it makes no sense to have one time for every day.

I also agree that high schoolers need to be home in the evenings (most of the time) during the week.

My kids also don't have a real set curfew. They also keep in contact when they are out, even though they are all legal adults.

We never had a set number of nights they could out, but they didn't do much during the week, with the exception of school activities while in high school. The older they got, the more involved they were.

There were occasional time they went out during the week for fun activities, like meeting friends for dinner, etc., but it wasn't a common occurrence.