DD17 thinks she can go out every night!

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Do you have actual seniors in high school on which you base that opinion? I just find it incredible that a parent of a real teen would think 10pm was appropriate for a weekend night. They couldn't even go out to dinner and make a movie without missing curfew.

Get real, LLP - that's a middle school curfew, not a realistic curfew for a senior in high school. If you think it is, so be it, but you live in a different world than I do.

Nope...I don't. But it doesn't matter. I can offer my opinion and did so.

You laughing at it b/c you are the experienced parent of a teen doesn't make it any better of an opinion.

I don't need to "get real". I did say I would make exceptions for movies--but you seemed to miss that little tidbit in order to go Dr. Phil on me. It is the sentence immediately following the statement you bolded.

 

[clarabelle]

DVC Liz I think I must live in a different world
I have a teenager and she just doesn't go out that much

I also have a middle schooler and she could not go out until 10 on a school
night on a regular basis. I wouldn't even think of a middle schooler having a curfew -because she just doesn't go places on school nights in the evenings. I didn't think many of them did -just sports things or school things maybe.

She is 12. She needs to go to bed!

 

[DVCLiz]

Nope...I don't. But it doesn't matter. I can offer my opinion and did so.

You laughing at it b/c you are the experienced parent of a teen doesn't make it any better of an opinion.

I don't need to "get real". I did say I would make exceptions for movies--but you seemed to miss that little tidbit in order to go Dr. Phil on me. It is the sentence immediately following the statement you bolded.

I don't like Dr. Phil so that is insulting...

You can certainly offer your opinion but it does sound naive to anyone who has had a high schooler. It doesn't matter what the situation is - a movie, hanging out with friends, bowling...10pm is too early to expect teens to be home on a Friday or Saturday night.

 

[DebD4T]

But that dynamic is changing and the time for your older teen to spend with family first is fast going by the wayside. And that's the way it should be, in my opinion.

I bolded that statement because I respectfully totally disagree with you. For us, family ALWAYS comes first. We are not over the top demanding of their time, but there are certain times where there is no compromise with regard to family. That goes for adults as well as teens and tweens.

(I am speaking for my own family, no one elses)

 

[DVCLiz]

DVC Liz I think I must live in a different world
I have a teenager and she just doesn't go out that much

I also have a middle schooler and she could not go out until 10 on a school
night on a regular basis. I wouldn't even think of a middle schooler having a curfew -because she just doesn't go places on school nights in the evenings. I didn't think many of them did -just sports things or school things maybe.

She is 12. She needs to go to bed!

clarabelle, I think we are having a different conversation. I'm responding to the poster who said 10pm on a weekend was a reasonable curfew. Do you have an older teenager in addition to your 12 year old? How old is your teen and why doesn't she go out on the weekends? Most of the teen girls I know have plans every Friday and Saturday night - and I think making them be in by 10pm is silly.

DD17 is a junior in high school and she mostly will be home by midnight - 1am if something special is going on. If I am sleepy before she gets home I go to bed. She knows to come and wake me and say goodnight when she gets in.

 

[MichelleVW]

I don't like Dr. Phil so that is insulting...

You can certainly offer your opinion but it does sound naive to anyone who has had a high schooler. It doesn't matter what the situation is - a movie, hanging out with friends, bowling...10pm is too early to expect teens to be home on a Friday or Saturday night.

Lol....a 10 pm curfew on the weekends is hysterical!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't like Dr. Phil so that is insulting...

You can certainly offer your opinion but it does sound naive to anyone who has had a high schooler. It doesn't matter what the situation is - a movie, hanging out with friends, bowling...10pm is too early to expect teens to be home on a Friday or Saturday night.

Sorry for the Dr Phil insult That was hitting below the momjean waistline, so my apologies.

As for the rest...well, we all parent differently, don't we. We all have our plans and litmus for what we will do, right?

I am not a mom of a teen, but I was a teen. I am familiar with what teens like to do to have fun. I'm not opposed to my children having a social life that necessitates hanging out. I'm not opposed to an event determined curfew.

However, blanket statements that 10pm is wayyyyyyyy too early, well, I disagree, generally speaking and did offer a sleepover as a viable alternative. I did that quite a bit. we'd hang "out" until the appointed curfew and then were at someone's home for a sleepover. No big deal.

Naive? I don't think so.

But I'm also the mom whose children have later bedtimes than most folks. It is just how we operate as a family. As a result, magically--my kids go to bed at very consistent reasonable bedtimes without my prompting. There isn't too much novelty of getting to stay up past 9 or past 10 for them. Granted they are still young. But it would be silly of me to laugh or call other moms naive for insisting upon a strict 8 or 9pm bedtime. In fact, it might even be rude as it calls into question their parenting as though mine were better.

It isn't better. It is just different. We make decisions that work for our family.

But I'm with another poster--family comes first and it isn't okay to neglect family in lieu of friends. And I do mean the term neglect. For our family--not ever wanting to hang out with us, to us seems unhealthy and abnormal. That is for us. That isn't me telling you that you are wrong. But it would be wrong for us. If that is naive, then I am okay with that. It doesn't mean my kids are destined to commit holy heck when they fly the coop after they graduate high school.

 

[clarabelle]

clarabelle, I think we are having a different conversation. I'm responding to the poster who said 10pm on a weekend was a reasonable curfew. Do you have an older teenager in addition to your 12 year old? How old is your teen and why doesn't she go out on the weekends? Most of the teen girls I know have plans every Friday and Saturday night - and I think making them be in by 10pm is silly.

DD17 is a junior in high school and she mostly will be home by midnight - 1am if something special is going on. If I am sleepy before she gets home I go to bed. She knows to come and wake me and say goodnight when she gets in.

Yes -you are right -I thought you meant weekend.

 

[DVCLiz]

I bolded that statement because I respectfully totally disagree with you. For us, family ALWAYS comes first. We are not over the top demanding of their time, but there are certain times where there is no compromise with regard to family. That goes for adults as well as teens and tweens.

(I am speaking for my own family, no one elses)

Yes, but "certain times" can be interpreted in many different ways. If you mean major family times like Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, family vacations, family plans to see a sibling in a school event, etc. of course those are important and older teens should make every effort to attend.

But just hanging around the house with the parents and siblings because you have some free time? That time gets taken up with other things - and other people - and that's the family time that goes by the wayside. Especially once your teen goes away to college.

 

[DVCLiz]

But I'm with another poster--family comes first and it isn't okay to neglect family in lieu of friends. And I do mean the term neglect. For our family--not ever wanting to hang out with us, to us seems unhealthy and abnormal. That is for us. That isn't me telling you that you are wrong. But it would be wrong for us. If that is naive, then I am okay with that. It doesn't mean my kids are destined to commit holy heck when they fly the coop after they graduate high school.

I'm not saying it is right or wrong - I'm just saying it IS. This is how older teens change - they stop hanging out with their mom and dad and little brother and sister and they start going over to a friend's house, etc. And to make them be at home and miss that social time with friends - even if all they are doing is hanging out in the basement playing Halo - is a shame.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm not saying it is right or wrong - I'm just saying it IS. This is how older teens change - they stop hanging out with their mom and dad and little brother and sister and they start going over to a friend's house, etc. And to make them be at home and miss that social time with friends - even if all they are doing is hanging out in the basement playing Halo - is a shame.

Okay--fair enough..that is how it is.

 

[curious3069]

You have received a whole heck of a lot of advice...The Dis is always good for that!!!

Maybe simply sitting down with your daughter and talking, maybe working on some new rules would help you both. Limiting time out on school nights(for non-school functions), but weekends are open to her. Maybe it's just as simple as her running her schedule for the next few days by you first, then there are no last minute surprises for either of you. Then you can see if she's ready for more responsibility or if too much freedom = bad choices.

It sounds like you have a great kid!!!

 

[Hannathy]

Are you kidding? A 10pm weekend curfew for a senior in high school? Again, not a fifth grader, but a SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL?

That is pretty hysterical!! You are kidding right? Do you realize that most of the kids work till 10 (if they are lucky)and only then do they get to do something with their friends. Everyone in the group couldn't reliably be counted on to be there till 10. One of the girls was on the basketball team she didn't get home from games till then and only then would they meet in someones basement or go get some food.

And a sleepover? you must be a lot more liberal than your 10 o clock curfew sounds cause you are going to let boys and girls sleep over at your house? since they aren't in single sex groups as seniors, they are in mixed groups and I really don't think the parents want 6-8 kids sleeping in their basements every weekend!

I also don't understand why do you have to be up? the only way I would have to be up is if I didn't trust my child and since I trust her I go to bed, she has a key. No one is going to wait up for her in college.

 

[MushyMushy]

And I do want to say, that I should not have said you were naive, and for that I apologize. I don't even know you, so I would have no idea if you are or not, and I should not have made that judgment.

Thank you for saying so.

My friends and I have this discussion all the time as parents (and some teachers) of teens. We usually start out talking about how everything seemed so innocent in the 80s when we were growing up, but then we have to remind ourselves that it really wasn't. In fact, our kids might be a whole lot more protected and sheltered than we were. My oldest is definitely cut from the same mold I am, and it was hard staying one step ahead of him during his teen years.

They do have different challenges that we didn't face. I think they're far more inundated with pressures from the media (look a certain way, spend a certain way, act a certain way). Their constant access to video games, internet, texting, etc is something we didn't really have.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Nm

 

[MELSMICE]

Things have not changed that much - I don't agree. Kids might be a bit more violent but the drugs and drinking and sex were always there.

I didn't have six hours of homework every night and neither does DS. I think that that's a lot more hours than even most college students have.

I'm not sure if my DD's had 6 hours as high school students, although there were many nights they spent hours in their rooms doing homework.

I do know that in college they can have 6 hours of homework in a night. I have woken up on more than one occasion to find one of my DD's up past 1 a.m. Of course, she is a perfectionist so that says a lot right there.

Why do you think I like WDW vacations so much?

Seriously, as kids get older the family time is the first to go. It's just the nature of the beast. You can't keep older teens at home away from their friends and social activities so you can sit around and watch each other. It's not the right thing to do, as much as it feels like it to you because you are used to having a certain family dynamic.

But that dynamic is changing and the time for your older teen to spend with family first is fast going by the wayside. And that's the way it should be, in my opinion.

I'm not saying it is right or wrong - I'm just saying it IS. This is how older teens change - they stop hanging out with their mom and dad and little brother and sister and they start going over to a friend's house, etc. And to make them be at home and miss that social time with friends - even if all they are doing is hanging out in the basement playing Halo - is a shame.

I couldn't agree more with both of your posts. DH & I have these discussions all the time, how things change & that it's not right or wrong, it's just the way it is. It's part of growing up & becoming independent.

We love our WDW vacations too for the exact same reasons. We get to spend a lot of fun time with our DD's. Bottom line is that we know they love us, I believe they enjoy spending time with us (they are pretty spoiled, especially by DH), but I know that we are not who they want to spend every social activity with!

 

[JLTraveling]

They do have different challenges that we didn't face. I think they're far more inundated with pressures from the media (look a certain way, spend a certain way, act a certain way). Their constant access to video games, internet, texting, etc is something we didn't really have.

I'll give you the constant access being different. But honestly? No pressures to look, act and spend a certain way? Didn't you say you were a teen of the '80s? I was an '80s pre-teen, and I remember the pressure being immense! I'd say today's kids have it easier with all the body-image acceptance that parents and educators are trying to preach, along with a much wider range of acceptable styles and fashion choices. I think conformity was much more expected then in everything from makeup to clothes to weight. And the spending? I think I was 7 or 8 when I first learned the word "inflation," and in elementary school we used it as a one word justification for why our parents should buy us something--we may not have been using it correctly, but we were indoctrinated in the consumerism of the era. My other favorite was "It's the '80s. It's the Cosby decade."

YMMV, but I really feel like the '80s were the end of the one-size-fits-all pressure to conform. I know kids today have it hard in different ways, but I don't see that as one of them.

 

[bitohoney]

Guess what! I let her go out again last night! Some of you are right, it is a long holiday weekend...but I did ask her to try to be home by 10:30pm. TRY. And she was home at 10:30. Now the 10:30 for a weekend isn't my usual, but we have a lot to do today and I didn't want her sleeping all day.
After reading all the posts, I'm going to stick with my limits until she graduates. Stay at home, read a book, do homework, clean your room Clean your room
No person underage needs to be out til 10pm every night during school weeks. I don't mind all the disagreeing with me, I can take it! Everyone parents different. It's not my place to tell someone that I don't agree with how they parent...unless they ask, like I did!
So, now I'm off to brave the 18 degree weather, get newspaper and coffee come back and get dressed for a shopping day. Going to Yankee Candle Flagship store! and to the mall. Hope I don't spend all my money!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Guess what! I let her go out again last night! Some of you are right, it is a long holiday weekend...but I did ask her to try to be home by 10:30pm. TRY. And she was home at 10:30. Now the 10:30 for a weekend isn't my usual, but we have a lot to do today and I didn't want her sleeping all day.
After reading all the posts, I'm going to stick with my limits until she graduates. Stay at home, read a book, do homework, clean your room Clean your room
No person underage needs to be out til 10pm every night during school weeks. I don't mind all the disagreeing with me, I can take it! Everyone parents different. It's not my place to tell someone that I don't agree with how they parent...unless they ask, like I did!
So, now I'm off to brave the 18 degree weather, get newspaper and coffee come back and get dressed for a shopping day. Going to Yankee Candle Flagship store! and to the mall. Hope I don't spend all my money!

Your house, your rules. Wait until she is in college.

Funny thing though, I thought of this thread when my college aged dd says late last night, like I am in bed, late... "Mom, I am going with so and so to visit so and so because.......". This was at 2am.

She did come home at 9pmish however she still does not go to bed at a decent hour. Guess she was on FB making plans.

The reason she wakes me up to tell me this? Oh so I wake her up this morning. You want to yell at them but you can't because they are going back to school today.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'll give you the constant access being different. But honestly? No pressures to look, act and spend a certain way? Didn't you say you were a teen of the '80s? I was an '80s pre-teen, and I remember the pressure being immense! I'd say today's kids have it easier with all the body-image acceptance that parents and educators are trying to preach, along with a much wider range of acceptable styles and fashion choices. I think conformity was much more expected then in everything from makeup to clothes to weight. And the spending? I think I was 7 or 8 when I first learned the word "inflation," and in elementary school we used it as a one word justification for why our parents should buy us something--we may not have been using it correctly, but we were indoctrinated in the consumerism of the era. My other favorite was "It's the '80s. It's the Cosby decade."

YMMV, but I really feel like the '80s were the end of the one-size-fits-all pressure to conform. I know kids today have it hard in different ways, but I don't see that as one of them.

I think this is definitely a case of YMMV. I lived (still do) in a small rural community and we've always been a good 5-10 years behind the trends. There were some pressures there to conform, but I don't remember it being as bad for us as it is for kids my daughter's age. Or maybe my own friends and I were just odd and didn't really care.