DD hates me

[Frantasmic]

First the good news:

According to most parenting manuals, a child who acts out in this manner, claiming to hate a parent is fairly secure in the knowledge of their parents' love and knowing that such an outburst actually has little effect on that parent's actual love for the child.

Now the bad news:

This is typical behaviour for a 6 year old child...

A 46 year old woman who doesn't know this and doesn't realize that her child was just blowing off steam and things will be okay in a few days apparently has never had said child exclaim this before and doesn't appear to like the new independence of the child nor the possibility that the child's need for her mother doesn't appear to mirror the mother's need for the child.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yay for you and yoru family but OP's DD had a pattern of calling her every day. If I had a pattern of speaking wiht someone every day and didn't hear from them for days I'd be worried and try to find out what happened to them too.

I also thought of th Pizza delivery story.

I know that. I was addressing the animosity comment.

 

[SaraJayne]

Yay for you and yoru family but OP's DD had a pattern of calling her every day. If I had a pattern of speaking wiht someone every day and didn't hear from them for days I'd be worried and try to find out what happened to them too.

I also thought of th Pizza delivery story.

Just to be clear, according to OP, they talked on Tuesday, not on Wed (DD's day off) and OP freaked out on Thursday, and escalated the situation.

 

[ChrizJen]

I talk to my mom every day. If she didn't hear from me (and I hadn't told her ahead of time I'd be unavailable), I'm sure she'd freak out and do the same thing you did. In fact, if my phone were broken, I'd at least email her and let her know what's going on.

If your daughter had established a routine of calling every day and then suddenly gets mad at you for checking up on her, then she's kind of being a brat.

I agree.

I say give her time to cool off and then see if she comes around. If I were in your position, I would probably apologize for possibly going a little overboard.
But I would also give her a talking to about communication. Let her know that you'd like to have had a call or an email or something just to know that she was still alive. She could see all of your calls coming in, so she knew you were frantically trying to reach her. What if something was wrong on your end, and she was essentially blowing off all of your calls??? She was definitely more in the wrong here and I would tell her that.

 

[ChrizJen]

Many years ago, we got a seriously injured car wreck victim in our ER. Her injuries were not survivable, but we try to keep patients like that alive until the family can come. It makes a terrible situation a little easier if they can at least say goodbye.

Well, no one could ID this girl. Everyone else in the car had died, and if she had a purse/ID it was lost in the accident (they were crushed by a cement truck). The coroner was working on identifying the other occupants of the car, the state police were trying to find out who this girl was. It was 4 in the afternoon. We thought surely when she didn't show up for dinner, someone would start looking for her. We called all the local police departments. No one had reported a missing person. At 7:30, she died alone in an ICU because no one noticed she was gone. Her parents didn't find out until the next day, when they were finally able to ID her and notify then. It turns out she was 21 and lived alone in an apartment, so there was no one to notice she didn't come home.

It's such a cliche to think if you don't hear from someone that they're lying in a morgue someplace, but this girl really was. I felt so sorry for her parents, and it still disturbs me to think of her dying in a strange place all alone.

So, if you have a habit of talking to someone at a certain time, and then suddenly you don't...it's appropriate for them to start looking for you. I wish someone had looked for this poor girl.

OMG that just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you have to see things like this in your line of work. Hopefully you and the other staff at the hospital were able to give her a little peace as she passed. What a heartbreaking story.

 

[ols386]

Well maybe she was planning on calling her but then found out her mom was borderline stalking her and got pissed off. None of us know all the facts, we only know the mom over-reacted and the dd acted like a brat. there are too many what-ifs and maybes in between.

FTR I never said, or think that the OP is a stalker. I think she over-reacted and her behavior was broderline stalkerish (as in the way she was trying to get in touch with her dd, not in the insane criminal way ).

Ok, then I misunderstood what you said. Sorry.

 

[purplegirl247]

I don't understand some of the people who are saying that OP shouldn't have called work, that she should've called friends first. It makes sense to me that OP would have her daughter's work number (maybe her daughter gave her a business card, or maybe she looked it up online), but why on EARTH would she have her daughter's FRIENDS' numbers??

I spoke to my dad several times a day when he was alive, and he had my number, Hubby's number, and my work business card, but he certainly didn't have my friends' numbers, even though he'd met some of them several times.

Hopefully the daughter will cool off and apologize, because OP was just trying to make sure she was ok. (I can't get over the fact that the daughter didn't think to borrow someone else's phone to check in. Really??!)

 

[gottaluvPluto]

I think the OP did the right thing and the daughter overreacted.

This also reminds me of a news article recently about an old lady. The old lady ordered pizza every day for a very long time. Well, one day no pizza order for her; the next day no pizza order. I think on the third day a pizza delivery person became concerned and went to her house. They found the old lady on the floor and the pizza delivery person saved her life! Basically, when someone breaks a routine you should always check on the person.

 

[jodifla]

I don't understand some of the people who are saying that OP shouldn't have called work, that she should've called friends first. It makes sense to me that OP would have her daughter's work number (maybe her daughter gave her a business card, or maybe she looked it up online), but why on EARTH would she have her daughter's FRIENDS' numbers??

I spoke to my dad several times a day when he was alive, and he had my number, Hubby's number, and my work business card, but he certainly didn't have my friends' numbers, even though he'd met some of them several times.

Hopefully the daughter will cool off and apologize, because OP was just trying to make sure she was ok. (I can't get over the fact that the daughter didn't think to borrow someone else's phone to check in. Really??!)

If they have the type of relationship where they spoke every day, mom certainly knows her friends.

 

[Pigeon]

I probably talked to my parents maybe once every month or two when I was your dd's age. In my case, if my mommy called my place of work after a day or two, yes, I'd be annoyed.

However, if she's good talking to you that much on a normal basis, I think she should be a little more understanding about your concern. Honestly, I do think you calling her place of work so quickly is a little over the top, but that's just me.

 

[pacrosby]

My Mother and I speak frequently- if we miss a day I wouldn't worry but if we missed 2 or 3 days I would.

In college I lived in an old house converted into apartments, came home one day and the police were there. Seems the guy in the apartment next to me had missed a couple days of phone calls and his Dad was worried, he was dead- had shot himself.

A guy who used to work with my husband missed a couple days of work without calling, WORK was concerned and they found him dead in his trailer.

When folks do things that are out of character- if you call daily- or never miss work- people are right to be worried.

I would have called work too- I can't believe it "hurt her" at work. HOW? She's behaving like she's in middle school- I would give her some space. Sounds like she needs to grow up a little.

Haven't had time to read any further but.....THIS!

I can't believe the number of people who are surprised that someone would be worried????? You must remember....according to the OP the daughter DID call every day. That's a pattern. So how many days DO you wait before you get worried and do what you can to make sure everything is ok? And how exactly are you going to feel should you find out there was a serious situation that you could have done something about if you had taken the time to investigate?

My parents are 82/83 and I talk to Mom every 2 or 3 days. I would absolutely worry if I couldn't get in touch with her for 4 or 5....it wouldn't make sense. What am I supposed to do? Wait a week and 'assume' everything is all right. What if it isn't? I would never forgive myself.

What I'm confused about, to be honest, is why the daughter, having admitted she knew Mom was trying to get in touch with her, didn't return the call. Maybe Mom was having an emergency situation. That's perplexing. This excuse that "her phone was broken" is baloney. The place where she works doesn't have any phones? Ridiculous.

Yes some parents are overbearing and some parent/child relationships are alittle askew but many parents and children just really love and respect one another and enjoy being in one another's lives on a regular basis. Nothing wrong with that. It's called 'family'

 

[ocd4disney]

My mom and I talk everyday...more for my sake now than for hers. If I dont hear from her in the morning by a certain time I call her to be sure she hasnt fallen or something. My mom has some mobility issues, so I worry that something will happen or she will fall and will need help ( I know that sounds like a commercial but its true).

I used to talk to my grandparents everyday as well ( I still miss them and our daily phone calls so much).

I dont think it is out of line for a parent to call around looking for her child after a couple of days. Seriously.....what if something had happened to her?

I think it is really sad the daughter can borrow a phone to tell her mom she hates her but not think to borrow one to let her know her phone is broke but she is alive and well. I would not want to worry my mother that way. We know first hand how devastating it can be to have someone never return home (my father was killed in an auto accident and it was several days before we found him)

 

[scottishduffy]

Yes, it is all about the change in habit.

I talk to my parents once every 1-2 weeks, so if they went nutty after 2 days I would be annoyed. Unless there was a serious family emergency I would not understand why they would flip in such a short time when we normally don't talk that often. My brother calls my parents every Sunday at the exact same time so my parents can video chat with my nephew... it is just their pattern. So, if my parents did what OP did in the same time frame, we would be annoyed! It would make no sense.

As previously stated DH speaks to FIL probably every other day if not every day. It is his choice to call FIL that often, they are best buddies, and are extremely close to one another. The one time he lost contact with us for a few days it was understandable that he would be worried. A pattern had been broken, suddenly we were acting out of the ordinary. So he pursued the avenues he had to check on us. FIL did exactly what OP did one time, but we understood why. It wasn't about the length of time it was about the change in habit.

Same with my Gramma, she is elderly and talks to my Mom daily. If my mom doesn't hear from her that day she will call the facility where my gramma lives to have her checked on. Sadly, my Gramma has started to develop Alzheimers and can no longer remember how to work a telephone so we make sure to call her(she answers, just can't figure out dialing) and drop in more often. Anytime a pattern changes it deserves a check.

 

[disykat]

I actually see very little in common in the pizza story. The woman in that story was an elderly woman who rarely left her home, not a 26 year old.

I think the OP admitted that she was wrong. I think that's good. She's asking how long is acceptable not to hear from an adult child. I think that's something she'll need to set up with her dd, but her dd obviously needs a little more freedom than "expecting" a daily call.

IMO there's a big difference between choosing to call vs. having to.

I also have a friend who was murdered and it was found out when she didn't show up for work. It was incredibly sad, horrific and still difficult to talk about actually. That doesn't change my mind one bit about this story. This adult didn't miss work or another obligation without explanation. She simply missed what she thought was an optional phone call.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Oh good grief! Tell her to GROW up! You are a concerned momma - protecting her baby & noone gets in the way of that!
If her phone was broken she could have borrowed a fun rom a neighbor or called you from work. I don't buy that - (sorry) cause EVERYONE has a cell phone nowadays - I'd be in shock if at her age she doesn't have a cell phone to call you from.

I expect she was doing something - gone somewhere, etc she didn't want you to know about (Not necessarily bad) but kinda hid out.

As far as calling - I call my MIL who's in her 50's (lives alone) & if I can't find her I call her work. And my mom (65 yrs) gets the 3rd degree (who has a spouse & my bro lives a block from her - plenty of people to check on her) if she doesn't answer the phone for a day & she didn't tell me she was gonna be where she couldn't answer.

Hopefully she'll get over hating you 'cause that's ridiculous.
You did NOTHING wrong.

 

[ols386]

If they have the type of relationship where they spoke every day, mom certainly knows her friends.

Maybe the dd doesn't have any friends.

 

[Disney Doll]

My thoughts:
1. The OP did not ask our opinion of whether or not she should speak w/her DD daily.
2. There was an an established pattern that was broken. What the rest of us do with our own families doesn't really matter....what matters is that this mother and daughter spoke daily and suddenly there was no contact.
3. The mother overreacted, but based on the breaking of an established pattern.
4. You are not going to tell me that the daughter had no other way of getting in touch with her mother for 2 days. She has a job, there are phones there. She has friends, they have phones. You could walk into any store, public library, bank or any other public place and ask to use the phone. I have done it when I have forgotten my cell phone and have never had anyone refuse me. A simple "Mom, my phone's broken, everything's fine, I'll be in touch when I get it fixed, I can't talk any longer now because I am borrowing a phone" would suffice. She was able to find a phone in order to scream at her mother that she hated her, now wasn't she?
5. A 26 year old telling her mother that she hates, hates, hates her and that she ruined her life is an immature brat.
6. A mother whose child is her "whole life" needs to find some other things to do in her life...pick up some new interests so that what her DD is doing is not the complete and primary focus of her life. Give the DD her wish, so to speak....my guess is that the DD enjoys being the focus of Mama's life when it works for her...but if I were mama, I'd be just a tad less available to DD and let her spread her wings
7. If the daughter is feeling suffocated by the mother, then she should discuss it with her calmly and rationally...not screaming "I hate, hate, hate you and you've ruined my life". Honestly, if I ever screamed that at my mother she'd probably roll her eyes and laugh in my face. And I'd deserve it.

I do speak with my parents pretty much daily now. They are elderly and I like to check in with them to make sure they are OK. I will tell you that if they didn't hear from me at all for a couple of days, they'd be at my house to check on me themselves. And I would do the same fi the roles were reversed. If I called my parents house and cell several times for a couple of days in a row and didn't hear from them, I'd be at their house. By the same token, me being a mature adult, if I knew there was something going on that would preclude me from continuing on with our established habit of speaking daily, I'd call my parents and say "Hey, having phone problems so I'm not sure when I'll be in touch. If you have an emergency call my neighbor Lynne and she'll come next door and get me". It's common courtesy IMHO.

 

[Holly]

I can maybe see her being slightly annoyed that you called her work, but she is acting like a preteen telling you she "hates, hates, hates" you. That is ridiculous. She needs to grow up.

 

[ols386]

I actually see very little in common in the pizza story. The woman in that story was an elderly woman who rarely left her home, not a 26 year old.

I see the two stories being pretty much the same, from the standpoint that a daily pattern had changed. That's the same case with the lady and the pizza delivery. She had called and ordered a pizza "every" day. Just like the op in this thread, she and her dd talked on the phone "every" day while the dd was driving to work. When a pattern changes, it's worth investigating. Chances are that nothing is wrong, but then you have those instances when something was indeed wrong.

 

[ocd4disney]

One more thing I wanted to add.....I personally like calling my mom everyday and talking to her. I also call my cousin everyday...sometimes more than once (she is more like a best friend than a cousin ) If my cousin didnt hear from me in a few days she would be calling mymom and sister and wanting to know if I was ok....thats pretty normal I think when someone breaks routine.

However, my DH's family isnt like that. They go lots longer without speaking than what I am comfortable with in my family. Everybody is different and each family handles things differently. I dont think my family is better or worse than DHs.....we just interact differently. I wouldnt think that I am any closer to my mom than DH is to his simply because I talk to my mom more often. I also dont think I am co-dependant on my mom or anything else...or that she is a stalker cuz we talk all the time (although my BH might disagree )

basically...The OP didnt hear from her daughter for a couple days breaking pattern and panicked.