DD hates me

[babyrich]

I wish I had my mom here to talk to everyday. When she was alive I talked to her on the phone just about every day and we lived in the same house. It wasn't a "cut the cord" type of relationship. We enjoyed each other. She left for her office first, I left about an hour later, so she would call to make sure I got to work ok, ask how my night went if I went out and so on. After she passed and I live alone, I did worry that I might fall down the steps and nobody would know. Isnt just nice to know that someone loves you that much that they worry about you.

One day my fiance (now we are married) didnt come home from work, over an hour went by and I called his cell and he didnt answer. 2 hours nothing, I called his job they said he left on time. After 2 1/2 hours I was freaking out. He never did this. He comes in the house and I scream where the heck (I used a stronger word) have you been. He proceeded to drop on one knee and proposed.... he was picking up my ring!!!

 

[allison443]

I'm starting to think maybe the dd's phone wasn't broken and she was just ignoring mom....

Another theory...she took off from work saying it was a family emergency and mom blew her cover when she called work looking for her...

THe above are total speculation.

I can understand calling work trying to get in touch with her, but it sounds like the person answering the phone said dd isn't in, so mom asked where was she and the person said maybe her boss will know, well he isn't in either, so mom talked to two supervisors who then were going to ask other people in the company where dd was.
That's a lot of people at the company knowing your business.
I still think dd overreacted, inappropriately.

 

[allison443]

As far as a mother talking to her dd every day, I remember the case of Anne Pressley, news anchor in Little Rock. Her mom called her every day at 3 a.m. to make sure she was up for work. One day there was no answer to repeated calls, mom rushed to the house and her dd had been murdered. Very sad case.

 

[Mermaid02]

My thoughts:
1. The OP did not ask our opinion of whether or not she should speak w/her DD daily.
2. There was an an established pattern that was broken. What the rest of us do with our own families doesn't really matter....what matters is that this mother and daughter spoke daily and suddenly there was no contact.
3. The mother overreacted, but based on the breaking of an established pattern.
4. You are not going to tell me that the daughter had no other way of getting in touch with her mother for 2 days. She has a job, there are phones there. She has friends, they have phones. You could walk into any store, public library, bank or any other public place and ask to use the phone. I have done it when I have forgotten my cell phone and have never had anyone refuse me. A simple "Mom, my phone's broken, everything's fine, I'll be in touch when I get it fixed, I can't talk any longer now because I am borrowing a phone" would suffice. She was able to find a phone in order to scream at her mother that she hated her, now wasn't she?
5. A 26 year old telling her mother that she hates, hates, hates her and that she ruined her life is an immature brat.
6. A mother whose child is her "whole life" needs to find some other things to do in her life...pick up some new interests so that what her DD is doing is not the complete and primary focus of her life. Give the DD her wish, so to speak....my guess is that the DD enjoys being the focus of Mama's life when it works for her...but if I were mama, I'd be just a tad less available to DD and let her spread her wings
7. If the daughter is feeling suffocated by the mother, then she should discuss it with her calmly and rationally...not screaming "I hate, hate, hate you and you've ruined my life". Honestly, if I ever screamed that at my mother she'd probably roll her eyes and laugh in my face. And I'd deserve it.

I do speak with my parents pretty much daily now. They are elderly and I like to check in with them to make sure they are OK. I will tell you that if they didn't hear from me at all for a couple of days, they'd be at my house to check on me themselves. And I would do the same fi the roles were reversed. If I called my parents house and cell several times for a couple of days in a row and didn't hear from them, I'd be at their house. By the same token, me being a mature adult, if I knew there was something going on that would preclude me from continuing on with our established habit of speaking daily, I'd call my parents and say "Hey, having phone problems so I'm not sure when I'll be in touch. If you have an emergency call my neighbor Lynne and she'll come next door and get me". It's common courtesy IMHO.

This is the best post on this thread

 

[disykat]

What is the acceptable number of days to not hear from your adult child?

My thoughts:
1. The OP did not ask our opinion of whether or not she should speak w/her DD daily.
.

She didn't?

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

My DH did this to me at work a few weeks ago because I forgot to text him that I wasn't in. He started with the phone calls 3 hours after my usual start time.

I understood he was concerned but also reminded him he has forgotten to text me before when he gets in and that we always manage to connect later in the day.

If my mother did this, I would be beyond annoyed. I don't think your DD hates you, but she probably is pretty po'd. I routinely go 2-3 weeks without speaking to my parents.

 

[purplegirl247]

If they have the type of relationship where they spoke every day, mom certainly knows her friends.

My dad knew my friends by name and even hung out us (me and various friends) on weekend visits, but there was no reason to have their phone numbers. Knowing who your friends are is different from having contact with them. If OP only had work number, and she was worried, it makes sense to me that she would call there and inquire.

 

[N&B'smom]

First off....stalking, really??? Now who's being overly dramatic?

Many years ago, we got a seriously injured car wreck victim in our ER. Her injuries were not survivable, but we try to keep patients like that alive until the family can come. It makes a terrible situation a little easier if they can at least say goodbye.

Well, no one could ID this girl. Everyone else in the car had died, and if she had a purse/ID it was lost in the accident (they were crushed by a cement truck). The coroner was working on identifying the other occupants of the car, the state police were trying to find out who this girl was. It was 4 in the afternoon. We thought surely when she didn't show up for dinner, someone would start looking for her. We called all the local police departments. No one had reported a missing person. At 7:30, she died alone in an ICU because no one noticed she was gone. Her parents didn't find out until the next day, when they were finally able to ID her and notify then. It turns out she was 21 and lived alone in an apartment, so there was no one to notice she didn't come home.

It's such a cliche to think if you don't hear from someone that they're lying in a morgue someplace, but this girl really was. I felt so sorry for her parents, and it still disturbs me to think of her dying in a strange place all alone.

So, if you have a habit of talking to someone at a certain time, and then suddenly you don't...it's appropriate for them to start looking for you. I wish someone had looked for this poor girl.

Oh, and I wish people would read the OP better. She didn't call the girl's work every hour, she resorted to calling the workplace AFTER she'd tried calling the girl over and over with no answer for TWO DAYS. She normally talked to her daily. After missing one day, she only called twice. The whole day. The next day is when she started really getting worried and calling more often, and with good reason. Why on earth wouldn't the DD not let her know the phone was broken for TWO DAYS if she could see the calls coming in? That's very irresponsible. I'm sure she will chill out soon and realize she overreacted. She shouldn't be embarrassed at work (no one at my work would think twice about a call like that) and she should be the one apologizing for not returning the mother's calls.

This post made me so sad.

 

[jodifla]

Again, rereading that post: The daughter is off from work..sounds like vacation? So she may be in place without good cell phone coverage. And then it might be a pain to get in touch.....there are lots of of places in the northern part of our state with very limited coverage.


Mom created this relationship with her child. It's very easy to raise a "brat" when your child is your "whole world."

 

[ols386]

She didn't?

No, actually she didn't. I think she gave a summary of what had happened, and then asked how long the dd might stay angry at her, and the thread went off in the other direction. Imagine that happening on the dis. LOL

 

[Jennasis]

Well maybe she was planning on calling her but then found out her mom was borderline stalking her and got pissed off. None of us know all the facts, we only know the mom over-reacted and the dd acted like a brat. there are too many what-ifs and maybes in between.

And in what way is this a mature way for an "adult" to react? Mommy called too many times so phooey on her...I;m not gonna call her back!

REALLY?

Give you a break, no I don't think so. Calling someone's cell and leaving a message, not stalking, even calling a couple times after, not stalking. Calling every hour- borderline stalking.
Calling your dd's place of employement and finding out they have a day off, not stalking. Calling your dd's work talking to her supervisor and 2 other employees to find out anything other than its a scheduled day off- borderline stalking.

If it was anyone else doing that to the dd, she'd probably be worried enough to call the police. The fact that its her mother may change her desire to involve the authorities, but it doesn't change what the mother is doing.

Would mom still be a stalker in your opinion if the daughter WAS hurt, injured, kidnapped etc?




Mom created this relationship with her child. It's very easy to raise a "brat" when your child is your "whole world."[/QUOTE]

 

[ols386]

Again, rereading that post: The daughter is off from work..sounds like vacation? So she may be in place without good cell phone coverage. And then it might be a pain to get in touch.....there are lots of of places in the northern part of our state with very limited coverage.


Mom created this relationship with her child. It's very easy to raise a "brat" when your child is your "whole world."

I don't see a statement about the dd being the op's "whole world".

 

[pacrosby]

I routinely go 2-3 weeks without speaking to my parents.

I'm not looking to start a big war about how people should relate to their parents but this......makes me sad Maybe, GoldieSaysMeep, you don't have a close relationship with your parents; or maybe you were brought up to believe growing up means seperating yourself from your family to prove your independence; maybe you really don't like and enjoy speaking to your folks........obviously I don't know the particulars. But thinking that that is the kind of parent/child relationship most people should aspire to is rather far reaching.

IDK....seems like some here think that parenthood is not much more than a science experiment that lasts for 18 yrs and then......it's on to bigger and better things, for both parties. Like I said, sad.

 

[disykat]

What is the acceptable number of days to not hear from your adult child?

No, actually she didn't. I think she gave a summary of what had happened, and then asked how long the dd might stay angry at her, and the thread went off in the other direction. Imagine that happening on the dis. LOL

I thought it was pretty clear that she wanted to discuss how long is acceptable to not hear from your adult child.

I'm finding it amusing that people are being scolded for addressing this, when this is what she asked for opinions on in the first post.

 

[lisajl]

i would have done the same thing, and if she hates you for it that's crazy. You were just worried about her. She will cool off and everything will be fine.

ita

 

[sparks19]

Again, rereading that post: The daughter is off from work..sounds like vacation? So she may be in place without good cell phone coverage. And then it might be a pain to get in touch.....there are lots of of places in the northern part of our state with very limited coverage.


Mom created this relationship with her child. It's very easy to raise a "brat" when your child is your "whole world."

They talk every single day... if she was going AWAY somewhere you'd think she would have mentioned it to mom when she talked to her EVERYDAY.

I don't think talking to her daughter everyday is making her "her whole world"

I talk to my mother EVERY single day without fail and if I am going to be away she knows that I am going to be away and won't be calling. I always take into consideration that my daily phone call has become part of routine and that if there is a break from that routine I should have teh decency to TELL her so I don't cause her any unnessecary worry. why wouldn't she worry?

But I guess I can't talk because I am the same way. My hubby had to go to a client the other day and it was really snowing and blowing and this client was FAR away. I had dropped my daughter off at school as it was her preschool day. I always send my hubby a text saying I made it home and how things went dropping her off and he ALWAYS responds. This one day he didn't. so I gave him a call... no answer. he ALWAYS answers my call and if he can't he sends it to voicemail early because then I'll know that he is unavailable. this time it just rang and rang and then went to voicemail. so I left it alone for a while. about an hour later I tried calling him again... still no answer. This is NOT like him at all. I started to really get scared. the weather was bad and the last time he didnt' call me back or text me something bad really had happened to him.

It didn't take long for me to work myself into a panic. So I called his work. i felt like a fool doing it but I had to. I know the guy that answered so I asked if he had heard from DH or knows if he made it to his clients. he hadn't heard from him either... no one had :O I said that it was unusual for him to be out of contact like that. His co worker completely understood and was a little worried himself.

After a while we finally got a hold of him. He'd accidently put his phone on vibrate and didnt' hear it with the radio on lol. but he sure didn't call me freaking out on me because I called his work and freaked out a little. Instead as soon as I answered his call he apologized over and over and knew how worried I must have been and he felt so bad. it wasn't his FAULT lol but he knew I was freaking out... and he would have done the same thing if it were me that went off the grid.

perhaps it's not "healthy" that we rely on our communication with each other so much... but it works for us.

I think she should just be happy that anyone missed her at all

Also to answer how many days is acceptable to not hear from your adult child. If you routinely talk EVERYDAY... then I'd say 2 days. I'd start worrying after the first day of not hearing from her and not being able to get a hold from her. she set the precedent of talking everyday... and she's surprised when with NO warning the schedule stops and you get worried? uh DUH AND I'm also willing to bet that if the shoe were on the other foot and she couldn't get a hold of you like normal she would be freaking out too

 

[Mermaid02]

I thought it was pretty clear that she wanted to discuss how long is acceptable to not hear from your adult child.

I'm finding it amusing that people are being scolded for addressing this, when this is what she asked for opinions on in the first post.

I took that to mean that if talking daily is the NORM- how many days before you worry.

 

[luvmy3]

And in what way is this a mature way for an "adult" to react? Mommy called too many times so phooey on her...I;m not gonna call her back!

REALLY?

It's not and I never said it was


Would mom still be a stalker in your opinion if the daughter WAS hurt, injured, kidnapped etc?

[/QUOTE]

I never said she was a stalker, I said her behavior is borderline stalkerish, which it is, calling every hour and checking in at work, questioning co-workers, all because your dd missed one phone call is taking things to the extreme. Now, I think its a bit ridiculous to ask if she was hurt or worse would that be any different because there were no signs of anything wrong except not getting a phone call. She wasn't hurt, her phone was broken a logical explanation, something that apparently the OP didn't even consider (that there was a logical explanation). People forget to call, they get busy and expect to call later, phones break, it happens all the time, so that very very slim chance (I'm sure you can even google the stats of this if you really wanted) that something could have happened doesn't change the fact that the OP over-reacted to her dd not calling her.

 

[bdcp]

To me this should be less about what is the proper amount of time to go between calling/talking to parents/children and more about how each handled it. My workplace (and my DH's and my son's) would have no issue with me calling to find out if they were there and okay, but depending on what was said and how it was said, as well as how disruptive it was, could be an issue. The daughter was just completely out of line and handled it like a spoiled teenager, not an adult with a responsible job. Those are the real issues.

Also, how volatile is their relationship on a regular basis? Is this the norm for her DD? There are just so many possible issues and history that we don't know.

 

[sparks19]

I never said she was a stalker, I said her behavior is borderline stalkerish, which it is, calling every hour and checking in at work, questioning co-workers, all because your dd missed one phone call is taking things to the extreme. Now, I think its a bit ridiculous to ask if she was hurt or worse would that be any different because there were no signs of anything wrong except not getting a phone call. She wasn't hurt, her phone was broken a logical explanation, something that apparently the OP didn't even consider (that there was a logical explanation). People forget to call, they get busy and expect to call later, phones break, it happens all the time, so that very very slim chance (I'm sure you can even google the stats of this if you really wanted) that something could have happened doesn't change the fact that the OP over-reacted to her dd not calling her.[/QUOTE]

it wasn't one phone call... she didn't call for both days or send an email or anything and when the mother tried to get a hold of her she couldn't. she panicked and thought the worst... that's NOT unusual. that is a pretty normal reaction when you go from talking to someone everyday to not being able to get a hold of them at all with no warning.

was she thinking logically? no but who does in these situations? "my daughter calls me every single morning. She hasn't called for two days and I can't get a hold of her at all. this is very unusual for her to not call me. should I be worried?" My answer would always be YES... If I was unable to call to my mother when I have set a trend of calling her every single day and almost always at the same time and then suddenly I can't... I would have the consideration to at least send her an email or call her from a pay phone or SOMETHING. it just makes sense that she would be wondering why our regular phone calls suddenly stopped with no warning at all.

out of respect for her... and to save her sanity I would at least have the decency to send her some sort of message somehow to let her know i was OK but it would be a few days before I could call her. it's not hard and it just shows a lack of respect or care for other peoples feelings to not even consider it.