DD hates me

[Mermaid02]

Why aren't you buying it? Its not uncommon to not have landlines, especially the younger generation. I can't say the last time I have seen an actual payphone Maybe since it was a weekday, all of her other adult friends were at work and she wasn't comfortable asking a stranger to use their phone so she could check in. Maybe she just expected her mom not top go crazy with worry since it really isn't a normal reaction

She found a phone to call her Mother and tell her she hated her.

 

[diznygirl]

Ya know, having your mom worry about you comes with the territory. You don't get all immature and decide you are going to teach her a lesson by ignoring her. You tell her to back off FIRST.

If daughter already told her to back off, then mom is wrong. If daughter didn't, then she is wrong.

 

[luvmy3]

She found a phone to call her Mother and tell her she hated her.

Well maybe she was planning on calling her but then found out her mom was borderline stalking her and got pissed off. None of us know all the facts, we only know the mom over-reacted and the dd acted like a brat. there are too many what-ifs and maybes in between.

 

[ols386]

Ya know, having your mom worry about you comes with the territory. You don't get all immature and decide you are going to teach her a lesson by ignoring her. You tell her to back off FIRST.

If daughter already told her to back off, then mom is wrong. If daughter didn't, then she is wrong.

I agree with you.

It sounds like the dd and mom need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

Even when your kids are grown, you don't automatically stop worrying about them. It's not a switch you can turn on and off.

 

[Mermaid02]

Well maybe she was planning on calling her but then found out her mom was borderline stalking her and got pissed off. None of us know all the facts, we only know the mom over-reacted and the dd acted like a brat. there are too many what-ifs and maybes in between.

Give me a break- a concerned parent isnt' stalking.

 

[ols386]

Well maybe she was planning on calling her but then found out her mom was borderline stalking her and got pissed off. None of us know all the facts, we only know the mom over-reacted and the dd acted like a brat. there are too many what-ifs and maybes in between.

I don't think the mom over reacted. I think she became concerned when she couldn't reach the dd. When you talk to somone every day, especially at a certain time each day, and then all of a sudden the pattern is broken, you start to wonder...are they ok? Or could something possibly have happened to them?

If you have a younger child, and they normally get home from school at 3pm, and then all of sudden they don't show up at 3pm, do you not get concerned? I realize that the op's dd is grown, but it's the same type of thing.

 

[Sneezie]

I do not think there is anything for you to do but sit back and wait for your DD to come to her senses and apologize. Your daughter should consider your feelings and appreciate that you care.

My family (Me, my Sister, and my Mom) talk to each other atleast once a day and believe me, if one of us can't get in touch with another "one call an hour" is nothing. Example:

About a year ago, my sister went to China for 8 days. Two days after she returned, I called her cell, she didn't answer. I called her home line, she didn't answer (she lives alone in another state). About an hour later, I called both lines again, no answer. I then called my mom to see if she'd talked to her and she said no. I contacted one of her friends on fb who lives in the same state and the friend told me she would try to get in contact with her. I then called her apartment complex's office and asked if there was someone who could go and check on her. They sent someone over who banged on the door repeatedly, but no answer. Just as the office manager was unlocking the door, my sister pulls the door open. She had been sleeping (jet lagged) with her phone on silent. Within two hours, she had 38 missed calls between me and my mom (and that did not include the calls to her home line). If she had waited one more hour to answer the door, we'd have been packed up and headed her way.

My sister just laughed at us and went back to sleep!

She told us that her friend called her later that evening to check on her and said "You should call your family atleast once a week and check in. I know when I don't talk to my family after a few weeks they get nervous." To which, my sister replied "I'd talked to them last night." LOL!!

There's no use in getting mad because we're going to care, whether you like it or not.

I'm 37 years old and if I forget my cell phone at home, I call my mom and sister when I get to work and tell them if they are trying to get in contact with me to call the work number. It's the considerate thing to do.

 

[Becky2005]

Look at it this way...you didn't call the police on them!!! I had my mom call the police on me once becuase I had talked to her and then took longer than expected to get back home but in the meantime my cell phone broke so I couldn't call her and I lost track of time....I was out shopping with my oldest and she was babysitting my youngest.

I think she jumped the gun but I still talk to my mom and the funny thing is I have a husband he kept telling my mom to not worry yet....he wasn't too concerned (he knows my DD & I well when we get at a mall...).

 

[ols386]

Give me a break- a concerned parent isnt' stalking.

Exactly.

 

[luvmy3]

Give me a break- a concerned parent isnt' stalking.

Give you a break, no I don't think so. Calling someone's cell and leaving a message, not stalking, even calling a couple times after, not stalking. Calling every hour- borderline stalking.
Calling your dd's place of employement and finding out they have a day off, not stalking. Calling your dd's work talking to her supervisor and 2 other employees to find out anything other than its a scheduled day off- borderline stalking.

If it was anyone else doing that to the dd, she'd probably be worried enough to call the police. The fact that its her mother may change her desire to involve the authorities, but it doesn't change what the mother is doing.

 

[SaraJayne]

She found a phone to call her Mother and tell her she hated her.

That may be what OP heard, not necessarily the words she said, kwim?

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Several months ago my DH was working an overnight, as he often does. When he does he is alone in the building. It always makes me a little nervous, you know, what if he had a heart attack or something. Anyway, he is never without his phone, ever. It is under his pillow at night. (Because of work, not for personal calls.) Anyway, we talk every so often when he is working, cause it makes me feel better. One night I said I was going to sleep and to call me when he was leaving. (Our routine.) Well, I woke up an hour or so later and called to see how he was and he didn't answer. Odd, but OK. I tried back in a while, maybe 10 minutes later and still no answer. This is very out of the norm for him, so I got nervous. I went online to send him an IM and nothing. I saw his best friend was on so I sent him an IM and he said he was sure DH was fine but he'd try calling too. Nothing. By now it has been maybe a half hour and I was freaking out. I left the kids a note and went to his work. It takes under 10 minutes to get there so by now we are at about 40ish minutes and I was a wreck. Of course the office was locked so I started knocking and calling. Then I did something I should have done sooner, and didn't think to cause I never do, and called his office. While he wasn't at his desk he heard and incoming call and knew, time of night, it must be me. So he left the server room he was in and grabbed his cell and saw and called me, who was outside his office. He let me in, I hugged him like crazy, and he said he was so sorry, no big deal, I was just glad he was OK, he was crawling around in the room and was afriad of losing his phone so he had set it down, not thinking he would be in there as long and thinking I was asleep. He also said how comforting it was to know that I cared enough to drive there to check on him in the middle of the night.

I think when you are used to something, like always being able to reach someone or always taking to them, it is easy to worry especially when you care about them. Now if he mom often didn't talk to the daughter for days or something maybe it was over the top, but when you are used to something being a certian way, it is easy for your mind to worry you.

DH and I both learned from that night. I am not quite as quick to panic (a work in progress.) And he is really good about calling me if he is headed into a place with no phone/service, if it is an overnight situation when I'd worry. He'll shoot me a text in case I am sleeping. And he has always been good about (the rare time) his battery is dead calling me and saying taht his battery is low so I don't worry if I can't reach him. Hopefully both mom and DD will take that away for next time.

 

[postage stamp]

Neither of them is perfect, but who is?

The daughter could have contacted her mom from someone else's phone, work phone, email, etc. to let her know what's up. The mom could have chilled out and realized her daughter an adult and not panicked. But they didn't. So why are we debating who is right and who is wrong? Does it even matter?

 

[luvmy3]

I don't think the mom over reacted. I think she became concerned when she couldn't reach the dd. When you talk to somone every day, especially at a certain time each day, and then all of a sudden the pattern is broken, you start to wonder...are they ok? Or could something possibly have happened to them?

If you have a younger child, and they normally get home from school at 3pm, and then all of sudden they don't show up at 3pm, do you not get concerned? I realize that the op's dd is grown, but it's the same type of thing.

Of course she got concerned, thats very normal, however I believe what she did because she was concerned was an over-reaction.

 

[ols386]

Give you a break, no I don't think so. Calling someone's cell and leaving a message, not stalking, even calling a couple times after, not stalking. Calling every hour- borderline stalking.
Calling your dd's place of employement and finding out they have a day off, not stalking. Calling your dd's work talking to her supervisor and 2 other employees to find out anything other than its a scheduled day off- borderline stalking.

If it was anyone else doing that to the dd, she'd probably be worried enough to call the police. The fact that its her mother may change her desire to involve the authorities, but it doesn't change what the mother is doing.

Well, maybe it's just a difference of opinion, but I don't consider it to be stalking in this particular instance. I consider it to be more a situation that the mom became concerned about the dd when the normal, everyday, pattern changed. I think that's what it stems from...a change in pattern.

 

[wvjules]

What are you referring to?

I don't have "animosity" toward my mother.

My whole family would think that this is crackers for freaking out because you did not receive a call back right away. Even a matter of days.

We respect each others boundaries and are confident that there is a good reason for it.

The fact you translate it to animosity is interesting.

Yay for you and yoru family but OP's DD had a pattern of calling her every day. If I had a pattern of speaking wiht someone every day and didn't hear from them for days I'd be worried and try to find out what happened to them too.

I also thought of th Pizza delivery story.

 

[Agri]

Then OPs daughter would have to be an adult and explain the situation. "talk to my mom everyday. She called my cell numerous times this morning but my cell is broken. I could see incoming calls but could not answer. Instead of being an adult and calling her back to see what was up, I acted like a child and ignored it which in turn made her worry that something may have possibly happened to me." She was quick enough to pick up the phone and tell her mom that she hated hated hated her, but couldn't be that quick to call her back to let her know she was ok @ work and her phone was just dead.

See where I'm going with this one?

Honestly, my guess is that she picked up the phone before her mother escalated the situation further. After calling her once every hour on her cell phone, perhaps her daughter was (rightfully so) feeling very irritated at being called that often and didn't want to make a personal phone call while she was working. Furthermore, perhaps she wanted to tell her mother "My phone was broken, sorry I couldn't call you until my shift was over. I'm going to get my phone fixed today." Now, after being harassed (yes, that is what it is), she was more than a bit upset and wanted to calm down before she dealt with her mother. Perhaps that is why the so-called "I hate you" fit came from - she was forced to deal with someone who had upset her. Not everyone is rational and polite when upset.

As another poster stated - there aren't pay phones around where I live anymore, either. They've taken them out of the mall completely. If you need to make a call, you have to hope that someone in a store will allow you to - which doesn't really happen.

If the OP was that concerned, to escalate it up to calling her work on just the day after she hadn't heard anything - why not stop by her daughter's place of residence and leave a note? Why not call someone else who sees her daughter regularly? Nope, it only occurred to her that if she didn't answer the last 5 times she called, she should just keep calling EVERY HOUR!!

Furthermore, the OP didn't call work and say "I'm having trouble getting ahold of my daughter, would you please tell her to call me when she gets a chance?" Nope. She called her daughter's work to ask if they knew WHERE SHE WAS! Instead of just leaving a message, she was basically bounced around to a few of her daughter's colleagues so she could ask them all if they knew where her daughter was!

I do not think the OP was wrong about worrying about her daughter, it was the way she went about expressing her worry and how she dealt with it that was wrong. Yes, the daughter probably should have called her mom somehow, BUT its not inconceivable that she was just *busy* and would have returned her mom's phone call as soon as she managed to get her phone fixed - and probably would have explained everything and apologized for the lack of contact.

 

[luvmy3]

Well, maybe it's just a difference of opinion, but I don't consider it to be stalking in this particular instance. I consider it to be more a situation that the mom became concerned about the dd when the normal, everyday, pattern changed. I think that's what it stems from...a change in pattern.

FTR I never said, or think that the OP is a stalker. I think she over-reacted and her behavior was broderline stalkerish (as in the way she was trying to get in touch with her dd, not in the insane criminal way ).

 

[laurie31]

Many years ago, we got a seriously injured car wreck victim in our ER. Her injuries were not survivable, but we try to keep patients like that alive until the family can come. It makes a terrible situation a little easier if they can at least say goodbye.

Well, no one could ID this girl. Everyone else in the car had died, and if she had a purse/ID it was lost in the accident (they were crushed by a cement truck). The coroner was working on identifying the other occupants of the car, the state police were trying to find out who this girl was. It was 4 in the afternoon. We thought surely when she didn't show up for dinner, someone would start looking for her. We called all the local police departments. No one had reported a missing person. At 7:30, she died alone in an ICU because no one noticed she was gone. Her parents didn't find out until the next day, when they were finally able to ID her and notify then. It turns out she was 21 and lived alone in an apartment, so there was no one to notice she didn't come home.

It's such a cliche to think if you don't hear from someone that they're lying in a morgue someplace, but this girl really was. I felt so sorry for her parents, and it still disturbs me to think of her dying in a strange place all alone.

So, if you have a habit of talking to someone at a certain time, and then suddenly you don't...it's appropriate for them to start looking for you. I wish someone had looked for this poor girl.

Oh, and I wish people would read the OP better. She didn't call the girl's work every hour, she resorted to calling the workplace AFTER she'd tried calling the girl over and over with no answer for TWO DAYS. She normally talked to her daily. After missing one day, she only called twice. The whole day. The next day is when she started really getting worried and calling more often, and with good reason. Why on earth wouldn't the DD not let her know the phone was broken for TWO DAYS if she could see the calls coming in? That's very irresponsible. I'm sure she will chill out soon and realize she overreacted. She shouldn't be embarrassed at work (no one at my work would think twice about a call like that) and she should be the one apologizing for not returning the mother's calls.

 

[horseshowmom]

Oh, and I wish people would read the OP better. She didn't call the girl's work every hour, she resorted to calling the workplace AFTER she'd tried calling the girl over and over with no answer for TWO DAYS. She normally talked to her daily. After missing one day, she only called twice. The whole day. The next day is when she started really getting worried and calling more often, and with good reason. Why on earth wouldn't the DD not let her know the phone was broken for TWO DAYS if she could see the calls coming in? That's very irresponsible. I'm sure she will chill out soon and realize she overreacted. She shouldn't be embarrassed at work (no one at my work would think twice about a call like that) and she should be the one apologizing for not returning the mother's calls.

Absolutely.