Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[dngnb8]

There are quite a few people that ended up marrying the person they went on a date with in high school you know.

Yes there are. And there are quite a few of them who are divorced with kids today as well.

The term, "quite a few" means different things to different people. That being said, nobody is saying it will never work. What they are saying is that most teens have very little life experience to come to a conclusion of who is a life mate. Most of the emotion they feel is infatuation, not love.

Additionally, most teens change between the teen years and around 22-23. They are completely different people. So they have to grow to love who their mate is changing into.

From a long term success rate, teen life commitments are a very low percentage. And while this may meet your "quite a few" from a numbers standpoint, from a ratio stand point, I would say I disagree.

 

[FoundMyPrince]

We saw Courageous this past weekend and it has really got me thinking about what type of rules/guidelines we will have for our kids when they start dating. In the movie the parents tell their 15 yo daughter that she is not allowed to date until 17 and that any boy she goes out with will need to meet them and should actually ask her dad before asking her out. I really like this. As we are in the teen years with DS and getting close to them with DD I think it is important to start thinking about how DH and I will address these situations.

The only thing I have ever thought about when it came to dating before seeing this movie was that the kids couldn’t date until 16 but now this movie has me thinking maybe we should have more boundaries than just a set age. When I started dating the guys did have to meet my parents but it was mostly just an introduction and out the door we went. No actual conversation to see what type of boy I was dating. I want more than just an introduction for dates of DD. And I want my DS to want to give more than just an introduction to the parents of girls that he dates.

I am interested to hear what others do in their homes when it comes to dating.

We saw the movie a couple weeks ago and enjoyed it. While our children are years away from dating, we have thought plenty about the subject.

Who knew the topic of "dating" could create such a firestorm on the DIS? Well, I guess anyone who has been around here long enough would know that anything can...

To add more gasoline to the fire, I'll just say that our views are very similar to those portrayed in the movie. In my opinion, and the way we are raising our children in our home, dating is for finding a mate for life. Do I want my children getting married in high school? No. Do I want my children to date someone they would not consider marrying? No. Will my children date before 17 or when we see they are mature enough to do so? No. I could go on and on, but I'm afraid too many people are probably shaking their heads in disbelief already and ready to throw their coffee at their monitor.

 

[Owlpost23]

We saw Courageous this past weekend and it has really got me thinking about what type of rules/guidelines we will have for our kids when they start dating. In the movie the parents tell their 15 yo daughter that she is not allowed to date until 17 and that any boy she goes out with will need to meet them and should actually ask her dad before asking her out. I really like this. As we are in the teen years with DS and getting close to them with DD I think it is important to start thinking about how DH and I will address these situations.

The only thing I have ever thought about when it came to dating before seeing this movie was that the kids couldn’t date until 16 but now this movie has me thinking maybe we should have more boundaries than just a set age. When I started dating the guys did have to meet my parents but it was mostly just an introduction and out the door we went. No actual conversation to see what type of boy I was dating. I want more than just an introduction for dates of DD. And I want my DS to want to give more than just an introduction to the parents of girls that he dates.

I am interested to hear what others do in their homes when it comes to dating.

I'm curious as to HOW you're going to get the young man over to grill him.It might go something like this:

Young man to your daughter:Hey,do you wanna catch a movie Friday night?

Your daughter: Sounds like fun,but you'd have to meet my parents first before you ask me.

Young man:Why?

Your daughter:Because they have to see what your values are and if you go to church and Which church you go to.

Young man:Really? All that for an evening at the movies?

Your daughter:Yes

Young man: Forget it.

As well intentioned as you might be,that maneuver could really backfire as far as your daughter's social life goes.I'd tread carefully.

 

[mickeyboat]

Ridiculous. I don't even know where to begin. Helicopter much?

Parents need to remember that while it is their job to teach and guide their children, it is not their job to run their lives.

How is your daughter going to learn what kind of person she is attracted to, or what kind of person she would like to spend the rest of her life with, if mom and dad are basically setting the requirements for who she can date? There is more to choosing a potential mate than what kind of family he comes from or his religion. Most of it is pretty intangible and is not necessarily something an outsider could really understand. It's not something that you just know when you turn 16.

Wouldn't you rather she test the waters while you are there to catch her when she falls? Wouldn't you rather her do her exploring when she is 16 and wanting to just fun than when she is 25 and is itching to settle down with someone for life?

I am saying this from the perspective of someone who fell in love and married the person she started dating when she was 13. While it has worked out for me, I wouldn't necessarily hope for that for my daughters.

 

[Coconut36]

Ridiculous. I don't even know where to begin. Helicopter much?

Parents need to remember that while it is their job to teach and guide their children, it is not their job to run their lives.

How is your daughter going to learn what kind of person she is attracted to, or what kind of person she would like to spend the rest of her life, with if mom and dad are basically setting the requirements for who she can date? There is more to choosing a potential mate than what kind of family he comes from or his religion. Most of it is pretty intangible and is not necessarily something an outsider could really understand. It's not something that you just know when you turn 16.

Wouldn't you rather she test the waters while you are there to catch her when she falls? Wouldn't you rather her do her exploring when she is 16 and wanting to just fun than when she is 25 and is itching to settle down with someone for life?

I am saying this from the perspective of someone who fell in love and married the person she started dating when she was 13. While it has worked out for me, I wouldn't necessarily hope for that for my daughters.

Very well said and I am of a similar perspective (although I was 16) and I don't necessarily want that for my boys either even though I am very happy with everything about it I don't think it is the "norm" per se and I want them to learn and explore at 16 not look for their potential spouse...if they find them so be it..but that is not my expectation of them dating (and I would doubt it will be theirs either. When I met my DH and he asked me on a date I certainly didn't think "Well yes he is a potential husband").

 

[SaraJayne]

We saw the movie a couple weeks ago and enjoyed it. While our children are years away from dating, we have thought plenty about the subject.

Who knew the topic of "dating" could create such a firestorm on the DIS? Well, I guess anyone who has been around here long enough would know that anything can...

To add more gasoline to the fire, I'll just say that our views are very similar to those portrayed in the movie. In my opinion, and the way we are raising our children in our home, dating is for finding a mate for life. Do I want my children getting married in high school? No. Do I want my children to date someone they would not consider marrying? No. Will my children date before 17 or when we see they are mature enough to do so? No. I could go on and on, but I'm afraid too many people are probably shaking their heads in disbelief already and ready to throw their coffee at their monitor.

You know some people are in college when they are 17, right?

 

[FireDancer]

I'm curious as to HOW you're going to get the young man over to grill him.It might go something like this:

Young man to your daughter:Hey,do you wanna catch a movie Friday night?

Your daughter: Sounds like fun,but you'd have to meet my parents first before you ask me.

Young man:Why?

Your daughter:Because they have to see what your values are and if you go to church and Which church you go to.

Young man:Really? All that for an evening at the movies?

Your daughter:Yes

Young man: Forget it.

Your daughter: No wait. I will just tell them I am going to the movie with Suzi.

Young man: Cool, I'll just pick you up at <alternate location> than because I'm not dealing with a freakin' inquisition.

Your daughter: Thanks. Sorry for making it a pain but I'll make it up to you.

Young man to self: score!

I fixed that for you.

 

[SaraJayne]

I'm curious as to HOW you're going to get the young man over to grill him.It might go something like this:

Young man to your daughter:Hey,do you wanna catch a movie Friday night?

Your daughter: Sounds like fun,but you'd have to meet my parents first before you ask me.

Young man:Why?

Your daughter:Because they have to see what your values are and if you go to church and Which church you go to.

Young man:Really? All that for an evening at the movies?

Your daughter:Yes

Young man: Forget it.

As well intentioned as you might be,that maneuver could really backfire as far as your daughter's social life goes.I'd tread carefully.

But the one upside to that scenario? It will save the boy from posting "MIL from Hell" stories on the Dis.

Win win for everyone!!

 

[dngnb8]

I fixed that for you.

Lyrics

Video

<snip>
BOY:

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I'll give you an answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it !!!

GIRL:

Will you love me forever'

BOY:

Let me sleep on it!!

GIRL:

Will you love me forever'

III. Praying for the End of Time

BOY:

I couldn't take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my mother's grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!

So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!!! </snip>

Meatloaf

 

[JaneBanks]

Lyrics

Video

<snip>
BOY:

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I'll give you an answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it !!!

GIRL:

Will you love me forever'

BOY:

Let me sleep on it!!

GIRL:

Will you love me forever'

III. Praying for the End of Time

BOY:

I couldn't take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my mother's grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!

So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!!! </snip>

Meatloaf

This is too funny because my cousin was engaged at 16 but didn't marry until after college.

During their wedding reception, they put on a show and danced to this song for everyone. It was done in good humor, of course, and they are still married.

 

[phorsenuf]

My dad was 18 when he met my mom, 17, at a dance. On the first date he went to her house and when the conservative Jewish parents met the Italian Catholic boy, you can imagine how that went (this was the early 50's). So what did they do? Met in secret a couple more times and then ran off and eloped! If my mom hadn't died 18 years later, I'm sure they would still be happily married today.

 

[FoundMyPrince]

You know some people are in college when they are 17, right?

You know what? My children won't be in college at 17.

 

[Coconut36]

You know what? My children won't be in college at 17.

The point however is that many are. My ODS will graduate from high school at 17 years old (as did my Mom, DH, Dad and several cousins) and set off to college sometimes before the age of 18. I think the point is to make people realize that it might be a tad..overly controlling to be polite to basically force arranged dates and restrict dating for someone that is on the cusp of attending college. A parent needs to be involved but to be a good parent you also need to teach them morals/values and teach them how to make good choices and have sound judgment and for goodness sake learn when it is appropriate to let go. If Mummy and Daddy are not allowing them to date at 17 or screening their dates based on religion and other criteria for them how the heck do they expect them to ever make decisions on their own? One can be an involved and attentive parent without controlling every move their kid makes.

 

[Becky2005]

I guess my take is they will figure it out on their own! I can give guidance but they are going to end up dating/marrying who they choose.

My parents barely met DH until after we were engaged. I'm such a bad parent but umm...let's see, I dated an older guy when I was younger & my parents freaked but HE was not the one they should have been worried about.

I then dated a boy who was my age and we dated for 6 years. They never freaked about him but between the 2, I think they should have been more worried about the boy who was closer in my age.

I then ended up marrying my DH who is 6 years older than me & would have actually been about the same age as the first guy I dated (actually I think DH is a little older. LOL!). We didn't date much at all before we were engaged.

We have been married 20 years, so it has all worked out. Of course, I guess people would have considered us married young since I was under 25 although I don't think so nor have any regrets about when we got married.

 

[Owlpost23]

I fixed that for you.

Hysterical! Now THAT sounds like a teenage boy!

 

[FoundMyPrince]

The point however is that many are. My ODS will graduate from high school at 17 years old (as did my Mom, DH, Dad and several cousins) and set off to college sometimes before the age of 18. I think the point is to make people realize that it might be a tad..overly controlling to be polite to basically force arranged dates and restrict dating for someone that is on the cusp of attending college. A parent needs to be involved but to be a good parent you also need to teach them morals/values and teach them how to make good choices and have sound judgment and for goodness sake learn when it is appropriate to let go. If Mummy and Daddy are not allowing them to date at 17 or screening their dates based on religion and other criteria for them how the heck do they expect them to ever make decisions on their own? One can be an involved and attentive parent without controlling every move their kid makes.

Since you quoted me, I assume this is directed to me. In my initial statement I only spoke of my own children, what my husband and I have said we will do for our children. Not yours, not the "many" 17 year olds starting college out there. My children will graduate high school at 18 and begin college, if they choose, at 19 or very close to 19.

 

[penn19]

I fixed that for you.

Couldn't agree more! My parents didn't want to grill my potential dates, it was just no dates until 16. Um, ok. I started liking boys in 5th grade, I was seriously going to wait until 16? Not a chance.

 

[superme80]

To add more gasoline to the fire, I'll just say that our views are very similar to those portrayed in the movie. In my opinion, and the way we are raising our children in our home, dating is for finding a mate for life. Do I want my children getting married in high school? No. Do I want my children to date someone they would not consider marrying? No. Will my children date before 17 or when we see they are mature enough to do so? No. I could go on and on, but I'm afraid too many people are probably shaking their heads in disbelief already and ready to throw their coffee at their monitor.

You are not alone. If I honestly look at it I was looking for the same thing at 26 as I was at 18. I wanted a stable guy who my parents would love. I married a stable guy who my parents love. I didn't meet him till i was 26, but I did let my dad give him "the talk." I think we had been together almost a month at that time. It didn't scare him off, because he asked for my hand in marriage in April and he propsoed in June. We met online and I was very upfront about what I wanted and expected from him. The first 3 questions my mom asked was his age, if he was a Christian, and when did she get to meet him. I did my share of "fun" dating and I hated it. I just wanted to settle down and get married.

 

[happygirl]

We saw the movie a couple weeks ago and enjoyed it. While our children are years away from dating, we have thought plenty about the subject.

Who knew the topic of "dating" could create such a firestorm on the DIS? Well, I guess anyone who has been around here long enough would know that anything can...

To add more gasoline to the fire, I'll just say that our views are very similar to those portrayed in the movie. In my opinion, and the way we are raising our children in our home, dating is for finding a mate for life. Do I want my children getting married in high school? No. Do I want my children to date someone they would not consider marrying? No. Will my children date before 17 or when we see they are mature enough to do so? No. I could go on and on, but I'm afraid too many people are probably shaking their heads in disbelief already and ready to throw their coffee at their monitor.

I see nothing wrong with a parent finding out about the person there child is dating. Why would you want your child to date someone who is opposed to everything you are for.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I see nothing wrong with a parent finding out about the person there child is dating. Why would you want your child to date someone who is opposed to everything you are for.

Because my children are NOT me. They are their own individual selves. When they are grown they will decide what they believe (politics, religion, etc). Yes I guided them when they were little. Yes, I hope their beliefs are close to mine. More importantly though, I want them to think through whatever it is they believe and really make the decision themselves. Likewise, they will decide who they love. How can I possibly force them to love or not love someone? We are very different people because I honestly cannot understand why you would want your child to date someone to please you instead of themselves (which is what it seems them dating someone who stood for what YOU stood for, or did not as in you example, is all about).