Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[leagirl12]

The bolded part =

I wonder does the OP take online applications? Perhaps a Skype interview. That way, if, for example, my son is applying, I could coach him off to the side of the screen.

As the OP I have to say I hope you get a better coach for him considering your comment implies I stated I was going to be interrogating/interviewing someone. If you read it CORRECTLY you would have noted that I never once said anything about what I was going to do. The entire tone of my post was looking for what others do in this area.

 

[luvsJack]

I'm not talking about "demanding". I'm talking about a parent saying "This is my baby. Take care of her. We are trusting you that you will respect her." If the boy is so disrespectful to not listen to the parents and then follow through with appropriate behavior, then maybe the daughter shouldn't be dating him. And I do agree with you that both boy and girl need to be taught respect before anyone even considers dating, but it's not a bad thing to reinforce your expectations at the door!

Oh, yes, sure that kind of statement is fine. Just not the sit down conversation that begins with "just what are your intentions with our daughter", IMHO.

Even now with dd, dh will tell her bf--"this is my baby. take care of her" and her young bf gives him this wide eyed look and says "yes sir". Not sure what dh thinks is going to happen, since they are WITH us.

 

[Hannathy]

As the OP I have to say I hope you get a better coach for him considering your comment implies I stated I was going to be interrogating/interviewing someone. If you read it CORRECTLY you would have noted that I never once said anything about what I was going to do. The entire tone of my post was looking for what others do in this area.

That is exactly what you implied! You said you want more than an introduction, that you want to get to know him, that you would be asking about religion and politics.

Uhhh in my experience that is interviewing/interrogating someone. What would you call it?

 

[FireDancer]

Just not the sit down conversation that begins with "just what are your intentions with our daughter", IMHO.

What exactly are parents looking for when they ask this question? I'm not directing that at you LuvsJack, just using your post to provide the quote. The actual intentions I had with anyone I dated in high school and what I would tell their father (or mother) is definitely not the same.

 

[luvsJack]

What exactly are parents looking for when they ask this question? I'm not directing that at you LuvsJack, just using your post to provide the quote. The actual intentions I had with anyone I dated in high school and what I would tell their father (or mother) is definitely not the same.

I always wondered the same thing! Like the guy is REALLY going to tell her father exactly what his intention may be.

Most boys (and girls) know exactly how to tell a parent what they want to hear. Besides, if the girl knows what mom and dad are going to ask, chances are she is going to tell the boy what to say anyway.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I really don't think that the movie even portrayed it this way. Yes, I saw the movie. In the movie, the daughter was 15 and the boy in question was 17. He was also running with a gang. The father was a cop. The parents were protecting their girl. 'Nuff said.

I think you're being a little dramatic with your understanding of this. It isn't about grilling a boy about his marriage potential. It is about making sure that the boy understands that he needs to respect the daughter, that the daughter has parents who are involved and care about her, that the family has a specific value system, and that was really about the extent of it. I see no problem in relaying those type of things to a date. I have sons, and I would expect the parents of the girls they date to show some interest and protect their daughters. I don't want my boys to be beaten down, but I certainly have no problem with the girls parents making sure that my boys know how to treat girls.

The boy in the movie was just disrespectful all the way around, not only with the way he spoke to the girl in front of her father, but to her father directly, he was doing drugs and was in a gang. I can't see ANY parent allowing their daughter to go out with someone like that, unless they just really didn't give a crap about their child.

 

[Happy Mom2]

My parents had the "we must meet the boy before you go out with him" rule, and you know what? The guy they liked the best of all my high school boyfriends treated me the worst and cheated on me. The guy they liked the least treated the best, never cheated on me, and was a total gentlemen.

That being said, I pray that I am raising my kids to make good decisions and be a good judge of character. I will trust them to make their own decisions. I'm not saying I wouldn't like to meet the guy when he picks up my DD, but I'm going to grill him or anything.

 

[DebIreland]

As the OP I have to say I hope you get a better coach for him considering your comment implies I stated I was going to be interrogating/interviewing someone. If you read it CORRECTLY you would have noted that I never once said anything about what I was going to do. The entire tone of my post was looking for what others do in this area.

My comment implied that you would be interviewing the boy, yes, though I didn't use the word 'interrogating'. But yeah I got the distinct impression that you would be interviewing them:

When I started dating the guys did have to meet my parents but it was mostly just an introduction and out the door we went. No actual conversation to see what type of boy I was dating. I want more than just an introduction for dates of DD.

Yes to the bolded...well not politics but definitely religion.

If you want more than a simple introduction and you want to talk indepthly enough to discuss their religious faith (if any) then yes, I'd call that an interview.

 

[sookie]

We saw Courageous this past weekend and it has really got me thinking about what type of rules/guidelines we will have for our kids when they start dating. In the movie the parents tell their 15 yo daughter that she is not allowed to date until 17 and that any boy she goes out with will need to meet them and should actually ask her dad before asking her out. I really like this. As we are in the teen years with DS and getting close to them with DD I think it is important to start thinking about how DH and I will address these situations.

The only thing I have ever thought about when it came to dating before seeing this movie was that the kids couldn’t date until 16 but now this movie has me thinking maybe we should have more boundaries than just a set age. When I started dating the guys did have to meet my parents but it was mostly just an introduction and out the door we went. No actual conversation to see what type of boy I was dating. I want more than just an introduction for dates of DD. And I want my DS to want to give more than just an introduction to the parents of girls that he dates.

I am interested to hear what others do in their homes when it comes to dating.

Good luck with that!

 

[sookie]

Having been a teenaged boy -- long, long ago, but not so many decades past that I've forgotten -- having to meet a girl's parents BEFORE I was permitted to ask her on a date would be way over the top. How would you advise the boy to go about all this?

1. Work up the courage to ask the girl out in the first place. That's not always the easiest thing to do.

2. Ask the girl if she'd be willing to consider a date with him. Careful, now, he'd have to explain that he's NOT asking, just asking about asking.

3. Make arrangements to meet the parents. Hmm... just what I always wanted to do when I was a teenager, visit someone else's parents. Jolly!

4. Endure a "conversation" with the girl's father. As a PP said, what is the father going to ask? What are the boy's job prospects? How many children does he plan to have? Has he drafted a prenuptial agreement?

5. If all goes well now a vision of feminine perfection will make her entrance into the room. What an impression our hero, sweaty and nervous, is making now!

6. In front of our heroine's parents, he asks her if she would like to go out with him. Yeah, right. Which of the kids is going to be more miserable at this point?

Besides, what happens if she's decided that she doesn't want to go? How delightful it would be, there in front of smiling parents, for dear daughter to make her appearance barefoot and in raggedy sweat pants, with wet hair, to tell her would-be suitor that she's not interested.

Oh... what happens if dear daughter asks the boy out? Is there a full round of social calls between the kids and the parents? Do the fathers size each other up warily, hands on six-shooters or clubs? Do they negotiate a bride price?

Lighten up! It's just a date. If you've raised your daughter to respect herself, then you need to quit worrying. If you haven't raised her that way, then it's too late to worry.

Anyone who thinks that Christian-y movies are the way life should go really needs to take off their rose colored glasses and look around. No teenager daughter whats this for herself!!!
Trust your kid, OP!

 

[sookie]

What exactly are parents looking for when they ask this question? I'm not directing that at you LuvsJack, just using your post to provide the quote. The actual intentions I had with anyone I dated in high school and what I would tell their father (or mother) is definitely not the same.

bawhahahahaha!

 

[MELSMICE]

Just for the record....I never said I was doing this. I said that is how it was in the movie and I liked the idea of it. The boy was expected to come to dinner with the family and get to know them before he could ask the girl on a date. I have raised my daughter to respect herself and do not worry about her but as I said in my OP I am just asking for ideas of how people do things in their home not snippy comments.

We do not have the boys over for dinner before they are allowed to go out on a date, however, all boys must come in to meet us prior to the date.

We are introduced and we have a short little "small talk" conversation/questions.......

"I heard you met my daughter at such & such a place."
"She told me you go to XYZ college."
"What are you going for?"
"So what will you guys be doing tonight?"
"Have fun........don't be late."

We are comfortable with that. If my DD's feel that they like the boy enough or the boy likes them enough they'll go on a 2nd date. They are out of high school now, but when they were in high school they had a curfew.

I feel inviting him over prior to allowing him to date your DD is excessive. I honestly think the boy would feel uncomfortable and could possibly feel like you are taking things more serious than he wants to. I think it would scare him off. JMO.

 

[superme80]

Anyone who thinks that Christian-y movies are the way life should go really needs to take off their rose colored glasses and look around. No teenager daughter whats this for herself!!!
Trust your kid, OP!

I actually know several couples who did date this way in high school/early college and had no problems with it. Honestly it depends on how the parents handle it. As a daughter it was nice to know that my parents were looking out for my best interest. Did we always agreee? No. My dad did give "the talk" to more than one guy. A couple of them came over for dinner before we went on a date. It was actually fun. But yes knowing my parents had to meet the guy did make me think about who I actually brought home. I am sure this ruled did save me from a few losers.

 

[mariamouse]

I'm 33 and don't think about marriage on my first date, people in high school do this?

I can only relate from the teenage boy POV and go by my own experience but some of these rules are a bit over. I met the parents of most the girls I dated seriously but not the ones I just took out once or twice. I don't care what religion someone is now and didn't then. I've gone out with Christians, Jews, Buddhists, atheists, and others that I had no idea what their religion was. If it was going to maybe get serious we'd have to have a talk about religion but it sure as heck doesn't play into the beginning of a relationship AFAIK.

The more restrictive the rules the higher the likelihood they would get broken.

I agree with this.

Religion is an understandably important issue if engagement is potentially in the cards, but not for a high school romance.

And, having just graduated from college, I can vouch for the fact that the craziest guys/girls I met there were usually those who had the restrictive rules growing up.

If you truly trust your daughter as much as you say you do, I would not stress too much about the whole dating thing. She is likely smart enough to make her own choices and learn more about herself in the process.

 

[allison443]

We saw Courageous this past weekend and it has really got me thinking about what type of rules/guidelines we will have for our kids when they start dating. In the movie the parents tell their 15 yo daughter that she is not allowed to date until 17 and that any boy she goes out with will need to meet them and should actually ask her dad before asking her out. I really like this. As we are in the teen years with DS and getting close to them with DD I think it is important to start thinking about how DH and I will address these situations.

The only thing I have ever thought about when it came to dating before seeing this movie was that the kids couldn’t date until 16 but now this movie has me thinking maybe we should have more boundaries than just a set age. When I started dating the guys did have to meet my parents but it was mostly just an introduction and out the door we went. No actual conversation to see what type of boy I was dating. I want more than just an introduction for dates of DD. And I want my DS to want to give more than just an introduction to the parents of girls that he dates.I am interested to hear what others do in their homes when it comes to dating.

I think another posted asked this, but I didn't see your reply (sorry if I missed it) but why the double standard? In other words you want "more than an introduction" to someone your dd dates, but no mention of even meeting the girls your son dates? Of course I understand wanting to know who your kids are hanging around with/dating, so why don't you want to get to know your son's date as well?

 

[allison443]

The three things folks need to know and agree on before marriage: money, religion and children. I think it's reasonable to ask a young man's religious background if he's dating your daughter.

Then why not just ask your daughter, since if it's so important she'll undoubtedly know that.

 

[allison443]

My parents were very strict with dating. Lots of age rules, getting-to-know-them rules, etc. When all my friends were having casual dates with guys throughout their teenage years, I was taking each one so seriously. I ended up with a lot of heartache when the guys I was dating at 17-21 didn't want to settle down (like I thought "good Christian" boys would want to do...) or take things as seriously as I did (I was the typical clingy girlfriend back then). Or a lot of family conflicts when my parents "got to know the guy" and decided they weren't big fans, but I was determined to date him anyways. It was quite a big, life lesson I learned on my own.

I love my parents, but I wish they had directed me more towards just having fun, casual friendships with guys in my teen years. Each one they got to know, after a couple of dates I (or he) may decide that we didn't have much in common or our personalities didn't click. Then I had to answer questions from my parents, because they had met him already, when I just wanted to forget the whole thing.

You make some very good points! Interesting to hear your perspective.

 

[allison443]

We do not have the boys over for dinner before they are allowed to go out on a date, however, all boys must come in to meet us prior to the date.

We are introduced and we have a short little "small talk" conversation/questions.......

"I heard you met my daughter at such & such a place."
"She told me you go to XYZ college."
"What are you going for?"
"So what will you guys be doing tonight?"
"Have fun........don't be late."

We are comfortable with that. If my DD's feel that they like the boy enough or the boy likes them enough they'll go on a 2nd date. They are out of high school now, but when they were in high school they had a curfew.

I feel inviting him over prior to allowing him to date your DD is excessive. I honestly think the boy would feel uncomfortable and could possibly feel like you are taking things more serious than he wants to. I think it would scare him off. JMO.

Your dds are all in college, right? Do you still meet all their dates before they go on a date? My dds attend college too far away for me to do that! If I'm lucky I get to see a picture on facebook!

 

[Coconut36]

The three things folks need to know and agree on before marriage: money, religion and children. I think it's reasonable to ask a young man's religious background if he's dating your daughter.

Seriously? We are talking high schoolers dating here not even adults but kids. I do not think religious beliefs are relevant or appropriate conversation prior to a first date in the context of a parent quizzing a minor/young adult about their beliefs before they can take the daughter out to a movie. Should the young man also be prepared to discuss his feelings on marriage, children, and projected salary? Ridiculous!

As adults and as a relationship progresses or the couple is considering marriage by all means those are things they should discuss..not a prerequisite for a first date.

 

[NotUrsula]

Not to sway this too far into religious territory, but IME, among folks for whom religion is important in this way, it is also usually a huge part of their social lives, and they have developed a very quick and simple way of getting the basic info: one of the usual conversational gambits you will hear from them goes something like, "Blenkinship? I used to know a family named Blenkinship at our previous church -- what church do you go to...maybe you're related?" IME they are not trying to be devious when they do this, that is just how their social networks tend to be developed, and if they know someone else who attends the same church that you do, then they have another point of connection.