Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[NotUrsula]

I'm always curious about posts like this. What exactly is it that your husband will talk to him about? His intentions? His future career path? How he feels about politics and religion? Do you honestly think in meeting a boy for the first time, even if it's for an hour your husband will really know him enough to make a decision? I think this is putting the cart before the horse. Once the relationship seems to be getting a little more serious, i.e, more than just an occasional date to a movie, etc., then I would begin bringing the boy into the family, so to speak. But putting a kid through a battery of questions before he ever even gets near your daughter is a little overkill, in my opinion.

LOL, in my Dad's case, usually fishing or automotive maintenance, because that was almost always what the first date involved. My Dad had a VERY unusual rule -- if you wanted to go out with one of his daughters who was living at home, you had to go out with him first. We were trained to tell guys this if they asked us out: "Well, first you'll have to spend some time hanging out with my Dad, and then if he says it's OK, then OK."

My Dad was a very big guy, but he never spent that time deliberately intimidating guys; he just wanted to get to know them a bit and see what kind of personality they had when they were hanging out with another male. Slobs were disqualified, as were the sort who thought nothing of reckless spending, or bigots. The funny thing is that the system often backfired on us girls, because sometimes the guy would end up liking Dad more than he liked one of us, leading to a lot of ex's hanging around the house shooting the breeze with Dad.

My own rule is that anyone who comes over to the house and plans to drive away with one of my children needs to come up and knock on the door if I've never met them before. No honking the horn outside, that is just ill-mannered.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

Because my children are NOT me. They are their own individual selves. When they are grown they will decide what they believe (politics, religion, etc). Yes I guided them when they were little. Yes, I hope their beliefs are close to mine. More importantly though, I want them to think through whatever it is they believe and really make the decision themselves. Likewise, they will decide who they love. How can I possibly force them to love or not love someone? We are very different people because I honestly cannot understand why you would want your child to date someone to please you instead of themselves (which is what it seems them dating someone who stood for what YOU stood for, or did not as in you example, is all about).

 

[golfgal]

Ok, everyone you date you could POTENTIALLY marry, however, if religion is an issue, does it really matter if you find out about it before you date vs 2 or 3 dates into it? If two kids start dating at 16 and end up getting married at 26 or whatever, religion isn't going to be an issue in their relationship, which would have to be pretty strong to last that long, through that many life changes.

I agree, having a common religious belief (or lack there of) does make thing easier when you are married but I know plenty of people that are married and have different faiths and work things out just fine.

 

[RitaE]

You are not alone. If I honestly look at it I was looking for the same thing at 26 as I was at 18. I wanted a stable guy who my parents would love. I married a stable guy who my parents love. I didn't meet him till i was 26, but I did let my dad give him "the talk." I think we had been together almost a month at that time. It didn't scare him off, because he asked for my hand in marriage in April and he propsoed in June. We met online and I was very upfront about what I wanted and expected from him. The first 3 questions my mom asked was his age, if he was a Christian, and when did she get to meet him. I did my share of "fun" dating and I hated it. I just wanted to settle down and get married.

Oh I don't think most parents have any problem with the other parents inviting their children in and chatting for a bit, reminding them of curfew and other rules, and just getting a feel for things. And if Faith (Christianity or whatever) is important to the girl, then I'm clueless as to why she'd be accepting dates from somebody who didn't share that sort of belief system anyway - unless she's just trying to piss off her parents.

But I can assure you that if my High School kid came home with stories of some Dad grilling him over his suitability as a future mate for a High School girl, my advice to my son would be to run for the hills. High Schoolers are not 26 year olds. My goodness my kid can barely remember to feed the dog right now, he doesn't need to be thinking about taking on a wife and a brood future little Christian soldiers. High School kids really aren't looking for somebody to marry as a general rule. Maybe a Prom date, but that's about it.

I guess if some girl and her parents are really out there scoping for a future husband though it's best to get that fact on the table from the top because I think everybody's going to be happier if the date just doesn't happen.

 

[luvsJack]

My grandmother used to tell me and my sister, "don't ever go out with someone you wouldn't marry". Now, she didn't mean that we should be choosing a mate at 16. What she meant was, if he isn't the kind of person you could see yourself marrying--like, oh say, the neighborhood druggie or some such, then don't go out with him because you cannot control who you fall in love with.

If I had listened to her, I probably would have never dated my first husband.

OTOH, the only guys I ever told they had to "ask my Daddy" were the ones that I didn't want to date. Mainly because I knew they wouldn't ask.


Now as for rules, my sons were allowed to date one on one at 16--when they started driving. If they started seeing a girl exclusively (can't remember what they called it then), then we wanted to meet her.

Dd is only 13 but she has a bf. We have already met him and his family and we think he is a real sweet kid with a good family. He goes with us places or she goes with them or she and her friends will meet him and his friends at a football game or something. More group type stuff.

She will be allowed to date, as in ride in a car alone with someone, at 16; double dates at 15. He will have to come to the door to pick her up (no blowing the horn) but I will not subject the poor kid to coming in and having to talk to her dad or her brothers--no need in scaring him to death. Just enough conversation to let him know that she has a family that loves her and looks out for her and expects her to be treated respectfully.

In all due respect for everyone and their rules, the main and most important thing is that your daughter have the self respect not to allow someone to treat her badly. And that she knows you are always a phone call away. The rest is pretty much up to her.

 

[golfgal]

Oh I don't think most parents have any problem with the other parents inviting their children in and chatting for a bit, reminding them of curfew and other rules, and just getting a feel for things. And if Faith (Christianity or whatever) is important to the girl, then I'm clueless as to why she'd be accepting dates from somebody who didn't share that sort of belief system anyway - unless she's just trying to piss off her parents.

But I can assure you that if my High School kid came home with stories of some Dad grilling him over his suitability as a future mate for a High School girl, my advice to my son would be to run for the hills. High Schoolers are not 26 year olds. My goodness my kid can barely remember to feed the dog right now, he doesn't need to be thinking about taking on a wife and a brood future little Christian soldiers. High School kids really aren't looking for somebody to marry as a general rule. Maybe a Prom date, but that's about it.

I guess if some girl and her parents are really out there scoping for a future husband though it's best to get that fact on the table from the top because I think everybody's going to be happier if the date just doesn't happen.

That is one thing we will NEVER discuss with dates. If a date knows our child has to be home at midnight or whatnot and our child wants to come home at 10:00, that puts our child in a tough situation. We have also given our kids to use us as an excuse for ANY situation they want to get out of--"my parents are so lame, they won't let me go there", or whatever. We also have a "code" set up if they are in an uncomfortable situation and need us to come get them. They simply call us and tell us they are not feeling well or they are sick and we will pick them up. That gives them a safe out if someone is in the room with them or whatever. We haven't ever had to use either of these but they know they are there if they do.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Rules? How about I let her out of the closet when she turns 35?

 

[dngnb8]

Rules? How about I let her out of the closet when she turns 35?

I love you

 

[phorsenuf]

Rules? How about I let her out of the closet when she turns 35?

Which closet?

 

[luvsJack]

Rules? How about I let her out of the closet when she turns 35?

Yep that is dh's idea of dd's rules for dating.

 

[Goofyluver]

I can't even imagine our son coming home after meeting the parents of a date and him explaining to us how he was interviewed for his future position of "husband", including questions regarding his religious background.

We'd have to sit down and have a conversation about how he's not allowed to date the daughters of crazies that are grooming their offspring to be married women, rather than a successful, happy human beings.

I also don't understand all of the stories that folks share about themselves or their parents who met and fell in love at 15, or in high school. That's nice for those that share, and some may see it as a nice story. But, it isn't a supportive argument for marrying young or even deciding what sort of spouse you may want later in life when you're still a teenager.

I'm afraid to let our kid date at all after reading this thread.

 

[marcyinPA]

Oh I don't think most parents have any problem with the other parents inviting their children in and chatting for a bit, reminding them of curfew and other rules, and just getting a feel for things. And if Faith (Christianity or whatever) is important to the girl, then I'm clueless as to why she'd be accepting dates from somebody who didn't share that sort of belief system anyway - unless she's just trying to piss off her parents.

But I can assure you that if my High School kid came home with stories of some Dad grilling him over his suitability as a future mate for a High School girl, my advice to my son would be to run for the hills. High Schoolers are not 26 year olds. My goodness my kid can barely remember to feed the dog right now, he doesn't need to be thinking about taking on a wife and a brood future little Christian soldiers. High School kids really aren't looking for somebody to marry as a general rule. Maybe a Prom date, but that's about it.

I guess if some girl and her parents are really out there scoping for a future husband though it's best to get that fact on the table from the top because I think everybody's going to be happier if the date just doesn't happen.

I really don't think that the movie even portrayed it this way. Yes, I saw the movie. In the movie, the daughter was 15 and the boy in question was 17. He was also running with a gang. The father was a cop. The parents were protecting their girl. 'Nuff said.

I think you're being a little dramatic with your understanding of this. It isn't about grilling a boy about his marriage potential. It is about making sure that the boy understands that he needs to respect the daughter, that the daughter has parents who are involved and care about her, that the family has a specific value system, and that was really about the extent of it. I see no problem in relaying those type of things to a date. I have sons, and I would expect the parents of the girls they date to show some interest and protect their daughters. I don't want my boys to be beaten down, but I certainly have no problem with the girls parents making sure that my boys know how to treat girls.

 

[luvsJack]

All the "talking to the date" in the world really isn't going to make him respect anyone's daughter. Sometimes the guys that seem the nicest to parents are the ones that are the worst when he and the girl are alone.

When I say that we will let him know what we expect, its not so much about sitting him down and talking to him, its more about our actions and what we say to our daughter.

The one that has to demand that kind of respect from a boy is the girl, not the parents. And its something that has to be taught well before she goes on that first date.

 

[Hannathy]

I can't even imagine our son coming home after meeting the parents of a date and him explaining to us how he was interviewed for his future position of "husband", including questions regarding his religious background.

We'd have to sit down and have a conversation about how he's not allowed to date the daughters of crazies that are grooming their offspring to be married women, rather than a successful, happy human beings.



I'm afraid to let our kid date at all after reading this thread.

You and me both! If my son said he had to go to the girls house an hour before the movie to be interviewed by the parents our car would suddenly have engine trouble.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

The one that has to demand that kind of respect from a boy is the girl, not the parents. And its something that has to be taught well before she goes on that first date.

Bingo.

 

[DebIreland]

...... Parents need to remember that while it is their job to teach and guide their children, it is not their job to run their lives......

 

[DebIreland]

Honestly, everybody I've ever known who feels that strongly about same faith marriage and dating only specific types controlled the issue by sending their children to the Church school or home schooling and basically limiting their children's dating pool to that walled in community/youth group.

It seems like if these issues are that important to you, your effort is going to be far better spent convincing your children that they should only romantically socialize within a set of standards. If your daughter knows that only certain boys are going to pass muster, then she really needn't bring others around for the application process. If your daughter's date is already known to you via the youth group/church etc, then you really don't need to perform a background check in order to send them to the movies - right?

In the end, if your children don't see your logic (and don't agree with your standards) all of your fussing about what their dates should and shouldn't be are going to be for nothing. The instant one of your kids gets loose, they'll do what they want anyway.

The bolded part =

I wonder does the OP take online applications? Perhaps a Skype interview. That way, if, for example, my son is applying, I could coach him off to the side of the screen.

 

[marcyinPA]

All the "talking to the date" in the world really isn't going to make him respect anyone's daughter. Sometimes the guys that seem the nicest to parents are the ones that are the worst when he and the girl are alone.

When I say that we will let him know what we expect, its not so much about sitting him down and talking to him, its more about our actions and what we say to our daughter.

The one that has to demand that kind of respect from a boy is the girl, not the parents. And its something that has to be taught well before she goes on that first date.

I'm not talking about "demanding". I'm talking about a parent saying "This is my baby. Take care of her. We are trusting you that you will respect her." If the boy is so disrespectful to not listen to the parents and then follow through with appropriate behavior, then maybe the daughter shouldn't be dating him. And I do agree with you that both boy and girl need to be taught respect before anyone even considers dating, but it's not a bad thing to reinforce your expectations at the door!

 

[Mrs.Toad]

DH and I are trying our very best to instill a good moral compass in our children. We take them to church, we volunteer often at a soup kitchen and food bank, and we discuss with them their responsibilities as human beings.

By the time they are ready to date, my plan is to have them prepared to make their own decisions about their potential suitors. I rabidly hope that they don't pigeonhole anyone based on their race, religion, or background. I have learned more in my life by being exposed to people different from myself and I would be so sad if they chose to close doors because people have different beliefs than their own.

Therefore I will not be one to quiz any dates about their beliefs and their "intentions" toward my children. I'm going to stay positive and believe that all wish to go out and get to know my kids a little better while enjoying themselves...and I'm going to have faith that I've raised intelligent kids that can make their own decisions about who they wish to spend time with. I plan to apply this to every aspect of their life and allow them to make their own decisions about where they want to go to college, what they want to do for a living, if they want to get married (or not), if they want to love men or women, if they want to live nearby or move away, if they want to have children, if they want to do anything not the "norm"...all of those things are their decisions to make and I will mind my own business and just lend them an ear and support when they ask.

Well said. I completely agree but will add that, as long as my daughters are minors living in my home, I expect anyone coming to get them to walk up, knock on the door and say hello to us. I think it's a reasonable request of the date and I hope my dds will agree that any guy who refuses to do this is probably not worth going out with, and that they won't sneak out if the house to see him.

Didn't most of you use the same criteria when choosing a date as you did choosing a mate anyway? Why on earth would a teenager choose to date a complete jerk (on purpose)? I mean, if the prospective date doesn't meet your criteria, you wouldn't date him or her, right? Or maybe you just weren't that choosy?

I just don't see why people are so wrapped up in the date vs. marriage thing? My son is hopefully going to choose a person he dates by whether they are nice, compatible (ie have similar views on things), fun to be around, etc. He will hopefully choose his wife the same way, but add a few more things in there (does this have staying power, will she be a good mother if we choose to have children, etc.) But having similar views should be in both columns, if you ask me.

I don't think anyone is saying teens should choose to date complete jerks on purpose. I mostly agree with your last paragraph, but I think "similar views" can mean different things to different people. We are a religious family but I don't see common religion as a necessity for a good prom date, or even for a good marriage. If my dds feel that it's a necessity for a date or a spouse, that will be up to them. A parent asking a potential date about his religion is way out of line IMO.

 

[Hannathy]

The bolded part =

I wonder does the OP take online applications? Perhaps a Skype interview. That way, if, for example, my son is applying, I could coach him off to the side of the screen.

And with the cost of gas I hope they offer pre-screening! So if he doesn't have a chance he wouldn't waste my Gas driving over there.

Wonder how many letters of recommendation they require?

And I sure as hell hope they plan on emailing all their daughters credentials while we are at it to these potential dates parents and then swinging by his house so she can be screened and deemed good enough.

My goodness these kids better start this date 3 hours before the movie to do all of this.