Cutting Funeral costs-not follwing wishes of Loved one

[Bonnie151]

My mother passed away at the end of March. She was Catholic and it was extremely important to her to have her service in the Abbey in America where she used to attend mass until she moved back to Scotland in 2010. Honestly, the inexpensive part was the service & burial!

I had her cremated in Scotland then brought her ashes back to Massachusetts as hand luggage (she was deemed to be "soil" and I went through Agriculture in customs!). My brother and I arranged the Mass with the Abbey and burial. We gave a donation to the Abbey plus separate ones to the organist and soloist. We organised a lunch buffet with platters from a local supermarket (sandwiches, wraps, mini desserts) and provided water, tea, coffee & sodas.

We transported the ashes to the local cemetary and excluding the cost of the cremation (done in Scotland so I don't know how prices compare), the total for the donations, food & opening of the plot came to around $1,000.

We didn't bother with a wake/viewing and didn't hire funeral cars etc, and it was a lovely lovely service and day (well, as lovely as a funeral can be!). The Brother who carried out the Mass acknowledged at the start that many of the attendees were not Catholic and he walked everyone through the service - when to stand, kneel, sit etc. He was fantastic!

 

[cajunmommy]

I started this thread because the one thing she insists on-as recently as this weekend (when we went to the wake with no attendees, except kids and grandkids, but they did the long 2 day wake thing and church service)...is the Big Mass at her Church.

I have casually discussed how many folks do a service in the Chapel of the funeral home and she does not want that

Since she can still express her wishes, can you find out exactly what she means by the "BIG MASS"? Does she mean the whole shebang - 2 day wake @ the funeral home + funeral mass @ church + burial? Or does she just mean the full funeral mass specifically with the priest, readers, music, etc.?

Also, when you say chapel, do you mean the funeral home's chapel or the church's chapel?? Big difference in setting!

Once you find out what she wants, talk to the priest or the church office & let them know your concerns. If she's become close to her current parish priest, or the priest who helped lead her RCIA journey, including them as co-celebrants might be the way to make her "big mass" special.

The majority of the funerals I've attended in the last 10-15 years (98% of them SoLA Catholic services), including MIL & three very close relatives, have all had the wake (visitation) in the church plus recitation of the Rosary immediately before the actual mass.

The tradition of waking the night before + day of seems to have fallen off greatly, and frankly, it wasn't missed in the events I listed above.

 

[Hannathy]

Another cost saving and I don't know if it was mentioned (I kinda skimmed the 4 pages)

Don't go to the cemetery after the mass. That is a big charge for transportation and Funeral home assistants. My Mom always hated going to the cemetery so when my Dad died she did not want to do this and we didn't.

If your MIL is still alive I don't know why you don't take her to a funeral home and pre-arrange it and pay for it if she has the money to do so. Even if she doesn't have the money to pre-pay for it all I would still take her so she can see how much her "wants" are and she can prioritize and make her feelings clear. This way she can say I really want the mass and don't care about anything else, etc.

You have the opportunity to do this now, why would you wait and have to guess at what she wants or make choices she wouldn't have .

 

[okeydokey]

I started this thread because the one thing she insists on-as recently as this weekend (when we went to the wake with no attendees, except kids and grandkids, but they did the long 2 day wake thing and church service)...is the Big Mass at her Church.

I have casually discussed how many folks do a service in the Chapel of the funeral home and she does not want that

Then give her the mass. She has told you what she wants. The mass is not the expensive part.

When my friend passed away, her DH had a direct cremation from the hospital and a mass at our church. There were wonderful pictures of her there instead of her actual body. It was much less expensive and much nicer, IMO.

 

[powellrj]

My mother for years has been planning her big funeral extravaganza. It was to be 3 days long with 2 days for the viewing and then a drive 1/2 way across the state to their plots, which she has bought at 3 different cemeteries trying to decide which one she likes the best.

I wish I had the time she has spent planning this "event". I have told her over the years that they really can't afford what she wants, but what do I know. She even bought their last house because of the location to a new funeral home they built that she likes.

Finally she went to the funeral home and they did talk her down to one day of viewing and being cremated so we didn't have to drive the body across the state. I think she has sold 2 of the plots and has finally decided on the final one.

I'm not sure who she thinks is coming to a showing that last 2 days. She doesn't know that many people. If she has 100 people show up, I will be surprised.

I guess the point to this ramble is let her talk to a professional and maybe they can guide her to something reasonable that the family can afford.

 

[NotUrsula]

And if you discuss your concerns with the priest, its quite possible that arrangements can be made. Catholic masses don't need to happen in churches (25 years ago there used to be one Sunday mornings at the lagoon at the Poly) and Catholic funerals don't need to have the body present. Both are preferable, but if the priest understands that this is important to your mother, but not something that the family is going to spring for, its very likely that arrangements can be made. (A small donation to the church is still appropriate, but your big expenses with a church funeral are going to be in transport and the funeral home attendants - no body - you won't need them. No church, and you'll just do the mass as part of the visitation.)

The thing is, the bolded varies by Diocese. (Not that I want to get into religious minutiae, but it matters because of the issue of cost of transport). Any time that you want to hold a Mass in a location other than a consecrated sanctuary, you need the official permission of the Bishop to do it. They can grant blanket permission if they so desire, but under the current Pope, the Holy See is now strongly discouraging that, so it is getting harder in most places to hold a full Mass anywhere other than in a church. You can always have what is known as a "Funeral Liturgy Outside of Mass" at any location, but that service does not have liturgical music or Communion.

Also, FWIW, in most Dioceses, having the body cremated before the Funeral Mass is strongly discouraged if the person passed away locally. The preference (for liturgical reasons) is to have the intact body present for the Mass, with the cremation taking place afterward. Again, this is something that the OP's DH needs to discuss with his mother and her Pastor; but if she wants to have what someone of her age probably regards as a "proper" Mass, it is probable that she will want her body intact for the funeral. (This is where the possibility of renting a casket comes in; you buy only the liner and rent the outer shell.)

 

[ccgirl]

........my MIL is still alive...and why wouldnt we attend our son's wedding?


My concern is because none of us are practicing Catholics - except SIL- no one will participate, know WHEN to do readings or want to carry the gifts. BTW - my MIL raised the kids Catholic but she herself didn't become a Catholic until her 50's ( she is 86)....... The chapel is simply easier

I attended a funeral mass recently where the priest did all the readings. There is no requirement that family participate. As far as expense, the mass will cost little. I hope your husband and his sister decide to respect their mother's wishes. It will, after all, be their last chance to do so, and a failure here will have no chance for do overs but there will be years to suffer regret.

I started this thread because the one thing she insists on-as recently as this weekend (when we went to the wake with no attendees, except kids and grandkids, but they did the long 2 day wake thing and church service)...is the Big Mass at her Church.I have casually discussed how many folks do a service in the Chapel of the funeral home and she does not want that

If it's the one thing she insists on then why do you keep trying to change her mind? It is HER funeral not yours. When your time comes, you can say how you want things. Time to stop being so selfish and thinking of what would be easier for you. The funeral is for her not you. I get that you are not Catholic but she is. The only thing she insists on is a funeral mass in a church. Which is quite reasonable compared to the other costs. If she is a practicing Catholic, as it sounds, chances are so are her friends. While you are immediate family, you will not be the only ones at the church. I'm sure there will be other Catholics as well. It is not really important if you know when to sit, stand, or kneel. The important thing, IMHO, is to honor your MiL wishes. The priest usually announces when to sit, stand, kneel anyway. As others have said, the family does not need to do readings.

I really hope you can see how this is important to HER and stop trying to push your feelings on her.

 

[cm8]

QUESTION FOR THE OP: Have you spoken to you mother in law about who's going to bear the cost for all this???? Does she have enough of an insurance policy to cover all that she's asking for in her funeral?

I would just ask her and see what her response is. There's no reason why anyone should have to pick up the cost of all this and make all the preps on specific things she wants. If she wants things to be so specific, etc, then she needs to get with her priest and plan it out with him. She should also make sure there's enough $$$ to cover all she wants. If not, then she's going to have to figure out something else.

^^^^ what she said

 

[squirrel]

To me having her services at a funeral home is almost as bad as choosing a church of another faith.

I would cut the amount of flowers, limo, all extras before switching to a funeral home.


My sister and I both know each others wishes on what we want done. I feel sorry for the other poster who's parents went against what their daughter (her sister) wanted.

 

[JB2K]

After re-reading some of the repsonses by OP on this thread, it seems pretty obvious she is non-Catholic (thus, her thinking her MIL's wishes are "a bit much"). For those readers not of the Catholic faith, the funeral mass is something the majority of us Catholics do hold very near and dear to us.

And, given some of the in-Church controversies and recent political footballs that have occured over the past few years, our traditions are something which still remains which we can call "uniquely ours".

Advice to OP: You are an in-law, why not leave the major decision-making in this matter to the SIL you mentioned, earlier?

 

[Dustykins]

My concern is because none of us are practicing Catholics - except SIL- no one will participate, know WHEN to do readings or want to carry the gifts. BTW - my MIL raised the kids Catholic but she herself didn't become a Catholic until her 50's ( she is 86)....... The chapel is simply easier

The church will have volunteers to help with all that stuff if no member of the family wants to do it. I used to sing at funerals all the time in high school and there were always volunteers at funerals to help out (the PP before that mentioned the Altar & Rosary society was correct). If family members *do* want to participate the priest and/or volunteers will make it very easy. Usually, they'll walk you through what needs to happen before the Mass, but if there's no time (or someone is late) there's always a hymnal in the pews with the entire Mass written out - it'll have all the variables (including the additions for a funeral) and it's easy to just follow along.

I've been involved in both funeral Masses and services at funeral homes and, honestly, the Mass is easier. There are fewer decisions to make because it always follows exactly the same formula. There are more opportunities for family to participate if they want to, but don't feel up to speaking (three people can be involved in carrying up the gifts, no speaking or looking at anyone required and to some people it helps them feel more connected with the event) and you can leave choosing music and readings up to the church if necessary (the priest would likely choose the readings and the cantor will know what music would be appropriate) and be assured that it will be lovely and appropriate. If your mother is active in her church, it's likely that the priest knows her well enough to know music and readings that fit her personality or preferences so it can be very personal with little to no effort on your part.

 

[MomToOne]

My dad also donated his body to science. We got his ashes back with in 35 days. The place who took him said the longest it would be is 2 months. They arrive via UPS and you'll have to sign for them there is a fee, I believe it was less than 200$ total (that included a few copies of his death certificate) and we paid via paypal... (my dad would have laughed his butt off if he only knew the half of what we had to go thru to get this done for him...) he's actually sitting above me on my computer center.

I believe organizations that do mainly tissue harvesting get the cremated remains back quickly. My father donated to an organization that supplies bodies for Medical Schools and other research requiring whole bodies, so the process is longer to get the remains back.

In our case, the actual process of the donation was quite easy once he passed. But my father had carefully researched everything ahead of time, had completed all of the paperwork and filled everyone in on what needed to be done. (He figured out he was terminal even before the doctors did.)

And we didn't have to pay anything - I'm not sure why an organization would make you pay to donate your body to science

I think the moral is if you want to donate your body, please take the steps to set this up properly. Think about what sort of things you are willing to donate your body for, and pick an appropriate organization. Don't leave it to your family to figure it out at the last minute.

 

[MissManda]

This thread started out on how to cut costs for a funeral, which is why I assume it was posted on the budget board. After rereading the numerous posts, including responses by the OP, this really doesn't appear to be as much of a budget issue as its a "I'm not a Catholic and don't really want to go through the hassle of a Mass" issue.

As many others have pointed out the Mass is not the costly part of a funeral. There are many other areas where money can be cut to save on the cost of a funeral. The cost of a Mass will not send you into financial ruin.

If you don't feel comforatable with the service itself, as many others have pointed out, the church will take care of it and will explain it all to you.

You have said in several posts that this is important to your MIL, so why are you so resistent to honoring this very specific last request?

 

[duffy]

I can't imagine not honoring this.

 

[mdsoccermom]

I can't imagine not honoring this.

Neither can I. Frankly, it sickens me that someone would consider not honoring someone's particular religious wishes, especially when the reason for it seems to be one of convenience.

Frankly, I don't even understand why the kids, particularly a daughter in law, are inserting themselves in this decision making process.

 

[jrmasm]

Neither can I. Frankly, it sickens me that someone would consider not honoring someone's particular religious wishes, especially when the reason for it seems to be one of convenience.

Frankly, I don't even understand why the kids, particularly a daughter in law, are inserting themselves in this decision making process.

I agree and the poor woman isn't even dead yet!

 

[MomToOne]

I started this thread because the one thing she insists on-as recently as this weekend (when we went to the wake with no attendees, except kids and grandkids, but they did the long 2 day wake thing and church service)...is the Big Mass at her Church.

Catholic funeral masses are not "Big". While Catholic masses in general are a bit more ritualistic than other religions, they aren't any "bigger" than a religious service for any other denomination. And funeral masses are just the same as the basic Sunday service, albeit with a few different readings and the like.

I think the fact that you refer to masses as "big" shows an basic bias on your part. I think that's the real problem here. Posters have repeatedly given you ways to handle all issues you've raised, but you continue to come back to not wanting to do it because of this core bias.

 

[buffettgirl]

I started this thread because the one thing she insists on-as recently as this weekend (when we went to the wake with no attendees, except kids and grandkids, but they did the long 2 day wake thing and church service)...is the Big Mass at her Church.

I have casually discussed how many folks do a service in the Chapel of the funeral home and she does not want that

After re-reading some of the repsonses by OP on this thread, it seems pretty obvious she is non-Catholic (thus, her thinking her MIL's wishes are "a bit much"). For those readers not of the Catholic faith, the funeral mass is something the majority of us Catholics do hold very near and dear to us.

And, given some of the in-Church controversies and recent political footballs that have occured over the past few years, our traditions are something which still remains which we can call "uniquely ours".

Advice to OP: You are an in-law, why not leave the major decision-making in this matter to the SIL you mentioned, earlier?

this. THIS. ^^



Let's put it in terms that the OP can understand. Disney is allowing a free "final trip" where a person is allowed to stay at any hotel they choose (you just need to get yourself there). The MIL wants to stay at the Grand Floridian and you say "but the Pop is really nice and many people stay there." Because you find the GF a little too stuffy and you've never stayed there and you really like the pool at the Pop better.

Would you STILL think it was the same thing?

 

[buffettgirl]

Catholic funeral masses are not "Big". While Catholic masses in general are a bit more ritualistic than other religions, they aren't any "bigger" than a religious service for any other denomination. And funeral masses are just the same as the basic Sunday service, albeit with a few different readings and the like.

I think the fact that you refer to masses as "big" shows an basic bias on your part. I think that's the real problem here. Posters have repeatedly given you ways to handle all issues you've raised, but you continue to come back to not wanting to do it because of this core bias.

LOL.. it might actually be a whole hour long. GASP!

 

[Missy1961]

I can't imagine not honoring this.

Neither can I. Frankly, it sickens me that someone would consider not honoring someone's particular religious wishes, especially when the reason for it seems to be one of convenience.

Frankly, I don't even understand why the kids, particularly a daughter in law, are inserting themselves in this decision making process.

I agree and the poor woman isn't even dead yet!

I agree with all of you.

OP, for all you know, MIL has the money set aside or has pre-paid for all arrangements. And most churches have volunteers who will help you organize the Mass, do the readings, etc.