Cutting Funeral costs-not follwing wishes of Loved one

[mrsklamc]

Since this is MIL- what does your DH want to do?

 

[crisi]

There are many ways to cut back on cost but I would not change the mass. I am a former catholic.

In the catholic church there are 7 sacraments, one of which is the burial mass. There are certain things that are done during the mass that are symbolic and very reverant to those who are catholic. It refers all the way back to her baptism as an infant. If your mother was catholic her whole life this is one of the things that her faith gave to her and she was looking forward to as a part of her final journey. (looking forward to might be the wrong word.) With that said, you don't have to rent a church or pay for the space. Having the actual mass isn't going to cost much other than the body transportation. I'd look at renting a casket or finding some other way to cut back on flowers or such to make up for it. But I would not change the religous affiliation of the church as a way to cut cost.

Sorry for your loss. I know that funerals have a lot of stress to begin with, let alone when money is involved.

I thought so too, that a funeral mass was a sacrament, but it's been a while since catholic sunday school, so I looked it up. Anointing the sick is a sacrament, and the last one, but a burial mass is not.

However, a burial mass may still be very important

 

[MrsPete]

The church I work at, anyway, (not Catholic) does not charge anything for funerals for members (or active attendees, who may have not officially joined for whatever reason.)

Yes, our church does the same. Additionally, we are located near a rather large retirement home, so we have a larger-than-usual number of elderly members. Some of these people have been regular members, but in their final years they may not have been able to attend for physical reasons. The church doesn't charge them either.

In the catholic church there are 7 sacraments, one of which is the burial mass. There are certain things that are done during the mass that are symbolic and very reverant to those who are catholic. It refers all the way back to her baptism as an infant. If your mother was catholic her whole life this is one of the things that her faith gave to her and she was looking forward to as a part of her final journey. (looking forward to might be the wrong word.) With that said, you don't have to rent a church or pay for the space. Having the actual mass isn't going to cost much other than the body transportation. I'd look at renting a casket or finding some other way to cut back on flowers or such to make up for it. But I would not change the religous affiliation of the church as a way to cut cost.

Not being Catholic, I couldn't have said what you did . . . but this is what I meant when I said "figure out what really matters to her". If she's been a staunch Catholic all her life, what she likely values most is the sacrament. If she were my family member, I'd do everything in my power to see that she received that . . . and I'd let go of flowers, programs, pretty music to get her what had mattered most.

I was not raised Catholic, I converted later in my life. When my Mom passed we had the service in the funeral home, semi private, with no minister/priest or any other Official religious person. I have not doubt she is in heaven.

I totally agree with you. I mean, if the sacrament is absolutely necessary to go to heaven, then we must assume that good Catholics who've died, say, on a battlefield or at sea and whose bodies have never been recovered don't go to heaven. I don't believe that for a minute.

However, if the departed does believe that the sacrament is necessary, I would do everything possible to see that her body is treated the way she'd wanted -- and I don't think that's a big cost item.

I think that's an excellent idea, and since this woman was Catholic, I'd suggest Trappist Caskets (http://www.trappistcaskets.com/). They're a group of Trappist monks who build coffins to support their holy orders and contribute to charity (part of their rule of life is to support themselves, not living off of charity). The coffins are very nice, start at $1,000 (which is so much less than a funeral home coffin), they have many in stock, and if I recall correctly they will say a mass for the dead automatically if they receive an order for a coffin.

That is very interesting, even for a non-Catholic! I just looked at both the Trappist and Costco coffins, and they're in the same price range. The simple monk-built coffins, however, were more appealing to me; additionally, I'd rather support the church (even if it's not my church) than Costco.


Moral we can all take from this situation:

Leaving thoughts on how you'd like your funeral conducted is a kindness; it will help your children (or other loved ones) in what will likely be a difficult time. However, you should be sure that your wishes don't exceed your pocketbook. Personally, I think pre-paid funeral plans are a pretty good idea.

 

[SaraJayne]

There are many ways to cut back on cost but I would not change the mass. I am a former catholic.

In the catholic church there are 7 sacraments, one of which is the burial mass. There are certain things that are done during the mass that are symbolic and very reverant to those who are catholic. It refers all the way back to her baptism as an infant. If your mother was catholic her whole life this is one of the things that her faith gave to her and she was looking forward to as a part of her final journey. (looking forward to might be the wrong word.) With that said, you don't have to rent a church or pay for the space. Having the actual mass isn't going to cost much other than the body transportation. I'd look at renting a casket or finding some other way to cut back on flowers or such to make up for it. But I would not change the religous affiliation of the church as a way to cut cost.

Sorry for your loss. I know that funerals have a lot of stress to begin with, let alone when money is involved.

The 7 sacraments are

Baptism
Eucharist
Reconciliation
Confirmation
Marriage
Holy Orders
Annointing of the Sick (formerly known as Last Rites)

Burial is not one of them.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. What do your DH and his siblings want to do for the funeral?

 

[Colleen27]

Talk to the priest at her church. We had services for both of my grandparents at the Catholic parish they attended and in both cases it worked out to be less expensive than a funeral home arrangement. It wasn't as elaborate - only pre-service viewing rather than a separate night, a "catered" (by the little old Polish ladies of the church, fabulous food at less than professional/restaurant catering prices) luncheon in the activity hall, prayer cards rather than programs, fewer floral arrangements, etc. - but the mass, not the extras, were the priority.

Alternatively, you could see if her parish priest is willing to conduct a service at the funeral home. I've attended several such services over the past few years.

 

[2disneyboys]

I'm not catholic so I can't really speak on that matter, but would say that while your MIL was very verbal in what she wanted to happen at her funeral, unless she made arrangments and prepaid costs etc (ie funeral planning) then ultimately, what happens is up to her kids. They have to deceide what they are comfortable with and then go with it. This is just an example on why it is so important that if there is something you (general you) want to happen at your funeral, that you (again, general you) make the necessary arrangements including covering the costs to ensure it actually happens. Otherwise, it's up to the family you leave behind to honor your wishes to the best of their ability as well as to the best of how they interpet your "wishes". My mother is adament that she wants a church funeral and burial and does NOT want to be cremated. With that in mind, she has already set up the necessary arragements, and prepaid what costs she can and has seperated funds for what she cant prepay. Seems morbid, but I know when the time comes, it will be nice not to have to focus on the details and try & figure out what Mom would want.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[MomtoGKC]

I agree with the others who say you should stick with the Mass and find other ways to save. When my Catholic grandmother died many of us spoke who are not Catholic. Was that not allowed? I know there were restrictions on whether or not I could be called Godmother to my niece since I am not Catholic, but I never knew we weren't supposed to do a reading in the church.

 

[Lucky St. Louis]

I am sorry for your loss. We went through something similar a couple of years ago when my FIL died. No money, not one dime was set aside for creamation or funeral or after funeral luncheon. To further complicate matters, he lived in a different state. He did want to be cremated though which made things less costly but wanted to be buried in the same cemetary as his parents. My MIL didn't want a Mass although FIL was a devout Catholic so we kids thought it would be wrong not to have one. I called the pastor of the church they attended when they lived in Illinois (although they weren't offically registered there) and explained the situation. He was fantastic and told us not to worry about any charges and offered a room for refreshments afterward and offered to pay for all the refreshments! The Mass was wonderful. There were older, retired parishoners who served as Eucharistic ministers, musicians and readers and served coffee cake, coffee and drinks. We did make a $100 donation to the church and a $50 donation to the priest who performed the ceremony and tipped the musicians $20 apiece (these were the "going rates" for funerals). We brought the food in ourselves (coffee cakes, sandwiches, fruit tray) so MIL could mingle with guests. It was so tastefully done and appropriate and CHEAP. Because of the creamation, we were able to bypass the funeral home completely. Now the burial is another story...a couple of kids wanted to divvy up the ashes (my DH and I didn't want any) and my MIL wanted to sprinkle them around the country to places he liked (uhhh...you have no money, who's going to pay for your travel). The kids ended up digging a hole on top of his parents' graves and sprinkling them inside. I think they could have gotten into trouble for bypassing the cemetary on this and should have paid a fee for it or bought a new plot but they didn't. Long story short, there are ways to be creative and honor the wishes of the deceased without breaking the bank. Of course in our case the ash burying/sprinkling may have been illegal.

On another note, at the same church a couple of months ago, my child's teacher's dad died and they has a one hour visitation at the church with funeral Mass to follow (interrment private)...not sure if he was cremated or not but there were NO viewings/services at the funeral home.

Another huge expense I found was that obituaries in the newspaper were expensive. We were able to put them in small town newspaper for free and totally bypassed the large state-wide newspaper.

Good luck!

 

[bettymae1121]

While a funeral Mass and burial in a Catholic cemetary isn't a sacrement, it is VERY important to many devote Catholics. Also I could have sworn that cremation was a no-no for Catholics, though that may have changed in recent years (but even if it has, old-school Catholics may still be against it).

The first thing I'd do is speak to someone at the church in question, if she was a life long or even just a long time member, I'm sure they'd be more than willing to help out at little to no cost. Once you get a feel for what they are willing/able to do you can decide from there.

Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[SpecialK]

While a funeral Mass and burial in a Catholic cemetary isn't a sacrement, it is VERY important to many devote Catholics. Also I could have sworn that cremation was a no-no for Catholics, though that may have changed in recent years (but even if it has, old-school Catholics may still be against it).

The first thing I'd do is speak to someone at the church in question, if she was a life long or even just a long time member, I'm sure they'd be more than willing to help out at little to no cost. Once you get a feel for what they are willing/able to do you can decide from there.

Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.

The rule against cremation was changed.

I would try to do the Mass if it was that important to you MIL, though I wouldn't count on any financial help from the church. Many Catholic churches will now allow a short visitation before the Mass; that might be an option for you to cut expenses.

 

[yoopermom]

As a practicing Catholic who's had WAY too many family funerals to go to in recent years, I would agree with most of the above:
1)have the body cremated
2)have a short visitation immediately before the mass only (hence bypassing the funeral home)
3)have the mass, having church members read/bring up communion if no family members feel comfortable doing so
4)have church ladies do the meal/refreshments
5)bring in your own pictures
6)keep flowers to a minimum
7)keep obit listings to a minimum due to price

and, if you're me....

lie to the priest and WDW security and sprinkle my ashes over the side of the boat on the way from Fort Wilderness to the MK late at night

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

Terri

 

[ccgirl]

Would you not do something your loved one wanted, to cut cost?


MY MIL has written notes for 20 years about the precise things she wants for her funeral. There is little $$ left-so some costs will be taken by us and his sis.
Basically, everyone in her generation has died off, and she always wanted a big Catholic Mass at church. Moree and more we see prople having the service at the very nice Chapel at the funeral home.
Noone in our family practices the Catholic Faith, except Sis(not her DH or her kids or spouces) -so there will be noone to read scripture-or bring gifts to altar or even take Communion


So would we be wrong to have a smaller service in the Funeral Home Chapel?

IMHO, yes, you would be wrong. YOur MIL has made her wishes known. It is her funeral not yours so you (a general you) should put your feelings aside for hers. The are other ways to cut expenses, casket, flowers etc than not having it in a church. You stated she always wanted a big Catholic Mass at church so why would you not want to oblige? At most churches, the priest will do the readings if they cannot find others.

 

[hannahdrewmom]

Thanks for pointing out it isnt a sacrament. I'm a recovering Catholic .... not practicing... it's been a LONG time!

I still believe though it is extremely important for her or she would not have requested it. I'd do it.

 

[tar heel]

My parents' church would not have charged for a funeral, but the funeral home had a significant charge for transporting the body to the church. Because of this, most people where they live have their services at the funeral home. Other than location, they were pretty standard Baptist services. I paid the ministers what I hope was an appropriate amount and the funeral home $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

 

[Ress76]

I feel that the service will be of minimal cost to you (family you) and should be held is feasible. There are other places to cut costs. Just going through the bill for my husband's funeral in March, the largest expenses were the preparation of the body, the flowers, the calling hours at the funeral home and the casket. IIRC, the church did not charge us anything, but my BIL whose church it was made a donation of a couple hundred dollars.

Also, we had a Catholic Mass as my husband was baptized Catholic and recieved annointing at the end. We had no restrictions on who could speak or present the communion gifts.

Ress

 

[MomToOne]

I think the biggest problem with your plan will be finding a Catholic priest that will say Mass or even funeral prayers outside of a Catholic church. I think there are very strict rules on that these days (but I could be wrong - couldn't hurt to ask). And I don't think you should replace a Catholic priest with one of another denomination, if your mother was Catholic.

ETA: At my father's mass 2 years ago, a combination of Catholics and non-Catholics presented the gifts and did the readings - the church had no issue with that. Non-Catholics could not take communion, however the priest spoke to that in a very nice, tactical way, and people could come up for a blessing instead if they so chose.

My father's mass only cost us a few hundred dollars for a pianist, cantor and an honorarium to the priest. My father was not a believer in elaborate funerals, so we did not do flowers, etc. We had a meal afterwards in a restaurant to take the stress off my mother, but for other family funerals we've always just gathered at someone's house with everyone bringing some sort of deli dish, etc.

 

[barbarabini]

Yooperman has got it right.
Im catholic and an estate atty and Yooperman is right on with the way to cut down the cost.

Usually the mass is the least expensive part so I wouldnt change that --- but would use some/all of her suggestions. I have seen it in action numerous times and it works and is budget friendly.

 

[Swan4Me]

My parents' church would not have charged for a funeral, but the funeral home had a significant charge for transporting the body to the church. Because of this, most people where they live have their services at the funeral home..

This is what i was getting at-cheaper to do the service in the chapel-which I have seen devoted Catholics do-a mini Mass in the chapel.

..the Catholic Sis and I were discussing it, due to another relative's recent wake, where no one came-as everyone the deceased knew was dead or too old to attend & all the other family had lived elsewhere their whole adult lives, so knew noone locally.
We discussed having a one day wake and Funeral, after seeing this family spend the night before sitting alone, without visitors, doing the usual 2 day wake

 

[babyrich]

You can ask friends and relatives to make donations to her favorite charity in lieu of flowers, this will lessen the amount of flowers received and you wont feel obligated to "rent" a flower car. You also dont have to use a limo. You dont even have to have visitation, there is nothing wrong with just having the funeral.

 

[kim929]

Sorry for the loss of your mil.

When my mom passed away in March, the funeral home gave my father 3 envelopes he was to put cash in them, hand them back to the funeral director who then handed them to the Priest, organist and another one, I can't remember. But the cost for each was 250.00.

The churches up here usually don't allow pictures. When my aunt was cremated the ashes were at the church with one picture of her that was all that was allowed. Pictures and videos are done at the funeral home during the viewing.

The priest will come to the funeral home to do a Christian mass if your not going to the church but he might still charge the same amount.

You hear all kinds of stories how the funeral home tries to get you to spend outrageous amounts of money, is there something that was purchased that might be cheaper and use the money for a church service?

In my experience with Catholic churches no one from the church provides a meal afterwards that is up to the family. If it's small you might go back to the house after or you go to a restaurant.