Cutting Funeral costs-not follwing wishes of Loved one

[shortbun]

Gosh, I think if she wanted a Mass, you should do a Mass. I'm thinking a memorial Mass could be said without the body too. I'm not sure and you need to consult her priest. Do you not have the money or is it because the money isn't coming from her estate? I don't think she'd want you to borrow for her funeral but I could be wrong. For a Catholic, a mass is important. I would cut things like casket styles, money spent on flowers, printed matter, food, # of calling hour events. Was she against cremation? It's much less expensive.

I'm sorry your family has lost this very important member. I hope you can all find some peace in this.

 

[MineMail]

I am sorry for your loss. DH and I have had to deal with this and it's difficult, but the Mass really was important to all of our parents, so it's the one thing that was a "must do." My mother's funeral was really beautiful and I was amazed, given her absence and anonymity, how many people came to the Mass. Teachers who remembered her from our schooling, friends of ours who traveled from a distance, relatives who car pooled - it was a real tear-jerker to see how many people cared about her and us.

Have the Mass at her Church. Don't worry about it being empty; often parishioners make the time to attend a funeral Mass for a fellow parishioner, especially if it's someone who is older or was homebound. Our favorite parish had a large retirement community. While they were able to attend Church, they were very active. When they passed away, even after an absence, a phone call or email went out to anyone the Parish Secretary thought might want to know.

My MIL and many others made a point of attending daily Mass, they would attend a funeral Mass instead, but since the Parish was small, the funeral was often held during the morning Mass so that the mourners weren't all alone. That's a discussion to have with the Pastor - it might be an option.

It's really very important to practicing Catholics and having a service at the funeral home isn't really the same. I've never been a Catholic Mass in a funeral home; priests typically conduct a service outside of Church, not a Mass. (The same is true of weddings and baptisms.) There's a difference in the Liturgy, but more importantly, it was not what your mother in law wanted.

I would definitely choose a one-day wake if she doesn't have many friends or family nearby, but not right away. Wait a day and take the time to notify the Parish for both arrangements and to give others notice. Go through her phone book and let people know. People who are older need more than a day's notice to make arrangements to visit, and they'd feel bad about missing it because they couldn't get a ride.


The Parishes we've belonged to would announce the death and arrangements at Masses and the Secretary often contacted people they thought might want to attend. My In Laws had several friends who had passed before them; their children came to pay their respects when they passed away.

Typically, a luncheon invitation is extended to anyone who comes to the gravesite; family and close friends are invited beforehand. It doesn't have to be at a restaurant; sometimes friends offer to host it at their house, or the family invites people back to their house and provides a cold buffet and beverages. I've only been to a handful of funeral luncheons in the Church hall, mainly because our Churches didn't have cemetaries. If your MIL is being buried in the Parish's cemetary, they might be able to assist you with the preparations.

In terms of costs, the Church wasn't expensive for the Mass and the Funeral Home included the "stop" as part of their transportation fee. At a friend's funeral, his wife and family all went in private cars rather than limos. You just want to be sure the driver is up to the job of mourning and driving.

 

[Pipperdoodle]

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.

I know that this would not pertain to you but it might help someone. I have used http://bestpricecaskets.com/ several times and have nothing but praise for this company. My MIL died over Thanksgiving holidays and they delivered the perfect casket within 2 days and I believe it was around $1000 total. It was normally a $5000 casket, in the color that she wanted, right down to the lining. I called them and they walked me through everything and were very compassionate about the entire transaction. As I said, I unfortunately have used this company several times with no problems at all. Just make sure you call them right away. Oh, and it's against the law for a funeral home to refuse a casket not provided from them. They don't like it because the markup is astronomical. Also, make sure you get a list of the other costs in writing so they don't try to mark them up too. They have to provide that in writing and it's usually on a preprinted sheet.

Again, I hope this information helps someone someday.

 

[Friendly Frog]

I would have the mass for her, that is not the big cost anyway.

If the priest and family are comfortable with it, the best way to save money is by cremation. (In my opinion it is the environmentally friendly thing to do as well. )

You can purchase an urn online at a big discount (some are only a few hundred dollars) and have it shipped overnight if needed. We selected a basic marble one for my father and it is very nice looking.

You do not have to have the body embalmed, this will also save money.

Transport the urn to the Mass yourself. MIL will be traveling with family instead of strangers and you will save on transportation costs.

After my father's (a down-to-earth kind of guy) funeral cremation, the rest of the family saw how it was not only less expensive, but less stressful on the surviving family. Now everyone in our family has decided on cremation.

Don't be afraid to shop costs on the cremation the price can vary greatly!

One last tip, if you are going to scatter the ashes you will want to be sure to let them the funeral home know so that they do not seal the container.

 

[NotUrsula]

I agree with the previous posters who said that the Mass is the most important part of your mother's wishes, because it is religiously motivated. Skimp on the flowers and the casket, and skip the funeral home facilities entirely, but keep the religious service that she requested.

Just FYI, it is possible in many jurisdictions to rent caskets for situations where the deceased with be cremated after the service. (The casket liner is made out of waterproofed chipboard; it is removed after the service.)

The Church itself will not charge you very much for the use of the sanctuary for a Mass. You can usually have a brief viewing in the church vestibule before the service as long as it does not conflict with scheduled Mass times.

Those who have said that a Requiem Mass cannot be said in a funeral home chapel are correct. A priest can conduct a prayer service there, but it would not be an actual Mass (with Communion offered for the attendees).

Also, it is traditional for a Priest to lead the mourners in praying the Rosary the night before the funeral. These days that is usually done at the funeral home viewing in the presence of the deceased, but it can also be done in a private residence with only the mourners present.

PS: In re: the question of embalming: it is not necessary if the deceased is to be cremated, but some jurisdictions require that it be done if there is a burial.

BTW, a note about VA cemetaries. If a veteran is buried in a VA cemetary, a later-deceased spouse may share the grave. This is especially simple if the spouse is cremated. The name is placed on the back of the veteran's grave marker. (In some cases the spouse can be buried there even if the veteran was not: see http://www.cem.va.gov/bbene/eligible.asp for the detailed eligibility rules.)

 

[MissManda]

I would do your best to honor her wishes. If someone took the time to detail out what they wanted for their funeral then it obviously means a lot to them. Its one last and final way to pay honor to the deceased.

My grandparents generation on my Mom's side of the family were all practicing Catholics. Although many of the younger generations are not practicing, we still held a funeral Mass for them. I recall the church doing all of the readings, gift giving, etc. Honestly, out of all the funeral services I've been too, there is something about a Catholic Mass that leaves me with a great deal of inner peace.

My sister passed away in 2008 at the age of 29. Her whole life she said that she wanted to be an organ donor and she wanted to be cremated. A year and a half before her death we had this exact discussion with my parents as we were travelling back from my great Aunt's funeral so they knew her wishes. Due to her illness she was not able to be an organ donor. I know that was important to her but there really wasn't anything that we could do about that.. My parents and her husband just couldn't cremate her and they buried her in a casket. My parent have purchased a plot right beside her where they will also be buried (I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in that equation, but that is a whole different story). I know that the decision was not mine to make, but its always bothered me that we did not honor her wishes. I still can't bring myself to visit her grave (my parents go every Sunday) becuase I feel so guilty for not honoring what she wanted. I hate knowing her body is there when she didn't want it to be.

So, please, try and do whatever you can to honor her final wishes. It will give you a greater sense of peace in the end.

 

[Sugardimples]

In the catholic church there are 7 sacraments, one of which is the burial mass.

The burial mass is NOT a sacrament.

 

[ccgirl]

The burial mass is NOT a sacrament.

You are correct. I think she was thinking Last Rites/Anointing of the Sick.

The Sacraments are:

Baptism
Eucharist
Reconciliation
Confirmation
Marriage
Holy Orders
Anointing of the Sick

 

[Dustykins]

If your DMIL was asking for a really elaborate coffin or headstone, I'd say, yeah, go ahead and do what's in the budget. What we're talking here is religious beliefs, not luxury items. In general, yes, a funeral is more for the mourners but a funeral Mass is a different animal. The Mass *is* for the deceased and it doesn't really matter so much if the rest of the family are Catholics or even believers. Have the Mass (a mass has to be at the church, it's not the same as a service at a funeral home, even if a Catholic priest presides) and save money elsewhere.

We went through this with my Grandfather's funeral when I was in college. He was Catholic, but the majority of his children were not. (my Dad, my sisters and I were the only ones) A few of my Aunts whined about the Catholic Mass (they were very anti-Catholic), but my dad and I put our feet down and said that part was not about them and their beliefs but about Grandpa's.

 

[friend2Figment]

First sorry to hear of your loss.

My mom passed away in Dec so costs are still pretty fresh.

Ways to help cut costs- coffin, vault, flowers, meal after, & obit in paper (it costed $100+ for my moms obit and it was not very long). Creamation is cheaper than imbalming and burial. The funeral home services from start to burial were the high dollar items. The cost assoc. w/ the church was around $500.

If you are paying out of your pockets there are ways to cut costs but if she was a practicing Catholic she should have that part respected.

Did she have any arrangements paid ahead?

 

[leight]

Swan4Me- I am sorry for yours and your family's loss.

My beloved MIL passed last summer and we had the traditional italian catholic wakes & mass. The total cost was over $13k and that did not include limos to and from the funeral home/mass/cemetary. It did not include the restaurant after. Luckily, much of that was covered by a small insurance policy. But I always think that the wakes are an incongruous excuse for the funeral home industry. We spend some time praying over the reposing in the coffin then the rest of the time family & friends socialize in the back of the room.

I recently attended my uncle's funeral. He was cremated so no funeral home viewings, transportation, embalming or additional costs beyond the cremation and urn(s). The catholic church mass was lovely, the church provided elderly parishioners who sang and assisted throughout. The luncheon was served at the community center at their subdivision and cousins brought in sandwiches and cold cut platters, salads and veggie and fruit platters. Very simple and honestly it came from the super-Walmart from their catering menu. The picture boards made for my aunt and uncle's 60th anniversary party 2 yrs prior were repurposed and brought out to honor his memory. The best part was when family and friends got up and spoke about their best memories of him. This was just under $1,000 and provided the community that loved him best with the closure of saying goodbye, gave the spiritual blessing that he would revere and that eased my aunts grieving heart, and provided the social atmosphere to best remember his spirit and how his life touched others.

Don't go into debt for the funeral but the mass should be held per her wishes in a way that would honor and show respect of her beliefs. The rest is for your husband's and families' closure and memories and should reflect this.

 

[pklein09]

When my father's parents passed away, they were also the last/almost the last of their generation. Because there would be older people who would come, my father and his brothers arranged everything for one day. The viewing was from 9:00 -9:30 for the immediate family and 9:30 - 11:00 for the general public (if you will). At that point, everyone was asked to depart for the church (just across town) for Mass. From there, to the cemetery and then lunch at a restaurant in town.

That really doesn't solve your money problem, but it might help with the timing of everything.

Best of luck with everything. Prayers sent your way.

 

[JB2K]

For those of you posting condolences, you may want to re-read the first post -- it doesn't say anywhere in that post that OP's MIL passed-away (and, if she did, I would imagine there would be other things needing to be done besides logging-on to the DISboards).

With that said, OP made this post over at the Community Board shortly after she started this thread:

I have a similar situation....but in my case we have two elderly parents who could die anytime(because you never know).
But also have a big wedding across the coutry, planes tickets, rehearsal supper etc for our son. If anyone dies in that Time frame, they will be held by the funeral home until our return, as all (but 1)the siblings , Aunts and Uncles are coming also.

Looks to me as if OP is looking for validation from the BB to go cheap on a funeral (that hasn't yet happened), so they can attend the big wedding, and maybe other things?

Just my .02

 

[NYCDiane]

I've told EVERYONE that when I die, just get me cremated the least expensive way possible. NO service, nothing. Put the remains in a baggie and spread them out over Manhattan and Fire Island.

I don't want to leave a financial burden on anyone when I die and whatever insurance money there is, I want them to enjoy it in my memory!

 

[Samar]

OP, think, if the shoe was on the other foot... you kept a note on how you wanted your burial and religious ways observed and your loved ones said "eh, let's skip that bit".

If she was a devout follower of the Catholic faith, then a small private mass may be best. My father passed away this past Wednesday, was not a great follower of Catholocism but my grandmother intends to hold a Catholic service. The body will very likely be cremated as it is overseas and legal red tape needs to be dealt with and the body isn't in optimum shape.

Anyways, go for a basic casket and headstone to cut costs but let her have a proper funeral mass.

 

[BillSears]

If she wanted it done a certain way then she should have pre-paid for it. If I'm paying the bill I get to decide what will be done. Now I would make small changes to try to be within her wishes but there is no way I'd be spending huge amounts on it.

Personally I just want a cremation and scattering of the ashes. For myself I feel how you lived is more important then how you're buried.

 

[MomToOne]

I've told EVERYONE that when I die, just get me cremated the least expensive way possible. NO service, nothing. Put the remains in a baggie and spread them out over Manhattan and Fire Island.

I don't want to leave a financial burden on anyone when I die and whatever insurance money there is, I want them to enjoy it in my memory!

My father was basically the same way, but he went you one better: he donated his body to science so we would (eventually) get it cremated for free. No, I'm not joking. He had other motives in donating his body, but avoiding "final expenses" WAS one of the considerations.

He always hated people having to travel, wakes, funeral masses, and the bit at the cemetary, so he always said he wanted none of all that. But, during his last days, he agreed we could have a memorial mass, as long as it wasn't "fussy". I think he was hedging his bets a bit but the other motivation was he agreed it would help give the rest of us some closure. We put up a single picture of him at the church, and had no flowers. But the church was filled, with the friends and family that loved and missed him so. There were even people he used to work with and old neighbors of ours growing up that read the obit and came; people from the hospice that helped care for him the final weeks were there too. He would have liked the mass I think. But what he would have LOVED (and I am sure he did, watching over it from a greater place) was the lunch we had afterwards - I did a slideshow of pictures of him over the years, set to a couple of Beatles tunes (my 82-year-old father was a closet Beatles fan LOL). My nephews played his favorite song - an old Irish folk tune - on violin/cello. Everyone told stories, and shared memories. My father always loved getting all of his kids and grandkids together, and going out to dinner - so this lunch really represented what he was about!

In the end, I think we found a way to honor my father's wishes, while at the same time doing what we needed to do for ourselves (in our case, give us a way to say goodbye). I think that's what the OP needs to strive for. But I don't think giving up the Mass is the right thing to do in her case.

 

[NYCDiane]

If she wanted it done a certain way then she should have pre-paid for it. If I'm paying the bill I get to decide what will be done. Now I would make small changes to try to be within her wishes but there is no way I'd be spending huge amounts on it.

Personally I just want a cremation and scattering of the ashes. For myself I feel how you lived is more important then how you're buried.

Absolutely!!!! I love these people who want big, lavish affair.... outline their final wishes, etc and then expect everyone else to pay for it!!! Same thing with these big, ridiculous, gaudy weddings where they expect people to travel, foot the bill for hotels, certain dresses/suits, etc.... Screw that!! You want it? YOU pay for it!!!!

 

[NYCDiane]

My father was basically the same way, but he went you one better: he donated his body to science so we would (eventually) get it cremated for free. No, I'm not joking. He had other motives in donating his body, but avoiding "final expenses" WAS one of the considerations.

.

LOVE IT!!!! And, you just gave me an idea!!! That's exactly what I'm going to do! I would love to donate my body to science so they can possibly find cures, etc but the plus is the FREE cremation afterwards!! COOL!

 

[MrsPete]

Google "Hold your own funeral at home". Very interesting. I didn't know this was an option. It really slashes the cost, which makes perfect sense to me -- you have to have legal paperwork, you have to have a gravesite, and you have to pay someone to open/close the grave. You don't have to be embalmed if you're not going to be displayed in a public place.

I'd much rather leave my money to my children.

Of course, I also understand that a Catholic mass can only be held in a Catholic church. As a protestant, however, I'm free to invite the pastor over to my house!