college kids who come home every weekend

[sam_gordon]

it would seem to me that some people dislike when other people have different opinions.

Sort of like how you said unless you don't drive, you shouldn't stay in a dorm?

here's what i'm wondering...
why would you dorm at a college thats about an hour away unless like me you're visually impaired and therefore cannot drive?

Whether that's what you meant or not, that's how it reads. So many people gave you multiple examples of why someone might stay in a dorm. The reason can be one of those listed, something not listed, or a combination.

 

[LisaR]

When looking at colleges with DD, I did tell her that I wasn't willing to pay for her to room at a college if she was going to come home every single weekend. I don't think there is a single thing wrong with commuting to college instead of going away. Both allow amply opportunities to grow...just in a different way. But if you want to go away, then go away! DD is 3.5 hours away so it was never an issue.

Our neighbor had a daughter who went an hour away and was seriously home 3.5 to 4 days her entire freshman year. She didn't have classes on Friday so she would either come home after classes on Thursday or early on Friday. Her classes on Monday didn't start until later so she didn't leave until Monday. I'm not exactly sure what the problem was. Having said that, she got really involved sophomore year, went on to have a fantastic college experience, graduated in May and moved to NYC for a great job. I guess some kids just take a little longer to get there. She made me realize that a kid has to do what a kid has to do to get to their comfort level.

 

[disney world dreamer]

Sort of like how you said unless you don't drive, you shouldn't stay in a dorm?


Whether that's what you meant or not, that's how it reads. So many people gave you multiple examples of why someone might stay in a dorm. The reason can be one of those listed, something not listed, or a combination.

thank you.
your response was very helpful.

 

[NHdisneylover]

DD18 lives on campus about an hour from where my in laws live. She has gone "home" to my in laws' place 2 full weekends plus one Saturday afternoon to early Monday morning since starting school in Mid August-one of those weekends was while DS and I were still stateside so she could see us one more time. I will be visiting in two weeks and she has arranged to take off from work so she can visit with me then.

She is actually going back more than I thought she would--one of her suite-mates goes home almost every other weekend and is from the same town and always offers her a ride, so sometimes she goes. She says a good third of the kids go home on any given weekend so while there is always some stuff going on, there is not a tons, and the dining halls only open for brunch and dinner and the fast food in the student center as well as the writing lab, bank, hair dresser, etc are all closed the entire weekend.

She works off campus at the civic theatre and attends church locally, so she has things to do, but a lot of kids don't have those off campus ties and if campus is not offering a whole lot, I guess i can see why the kids head home. Iam surprised though--we had so much more on campus than that, just an hour away, when I was her age and rarely went home.

 

[Christine]

When looking at colleges with DD, I did tell her that I wasn't willing to pay for her to room at a college if she was going to come home every single weekend. I don't think there is a single thing wrong with commuting to college instead of going away. Both allow amply opportunities to grow...just in a different way. But if you want to go away, then go away! DD is 3.5 hours away so it was never an issue.

Our neighbor had a daughter who went an hour away and was seriously home 3.5 to 4 days her entire freshman year. She didn't have classes on Friday so she would either come home after classes on Thursday or early on Friday. Her classes on Monday didn't start until later so she didn't leave until Monday. I'm not exactly sure what the problem was. Having said that, she got really involved sophomore year, went on to have a fantastic college experience, graduated in May and moved to NYC for a great job. I guess some kids just take a little longer to get there. She made me realize that a kid has to do what a kid has to do to get to their comfort level.

I agree with all of this. As parents, I think we all make the decision to send our kids away to college for different reasons BESIDES the obvious education. I know that I actually WANTED my kids to leave home and be away from me for extended periods of time. Not that I don't enjoy their company, I sure do. But, from my worldview, this step is important. I want them to figure out their free time and their education without that crutch of old friends, a boyfriend/girlfriend that makes them hard to cut the cord, or learning what it's like to live in a different area. Those things are important to me for my kids as I felt it was a good thing for me when I was that age. Though, I get that others don't feel that way. But coming from that perspective, I guess I have questioned why some kids seem to run home all the time. These posts help me to see that others just have a different thought process about what the college experience should be.

Also, some people are just different when it comes to ever separating family. My coworker's son went to a college 2 hours away. When he couldn't come home to be with them due to extracurriculars, they drove down and spent the weekends with him. That's just how they are and how their culture is.

 

[ravenclawtrekkie]

The university I attended had no social scene except for drunken frat parties, which I had no interest in, so I drove the 90 minutes home on weekends when I wasn't working. I have a good relationship with my parents, particularly my mother, and I have no regrets about spending my time at home back then.

FWIW, I didn't live in a dorm, I lived in an off-campus rental house with my at-the-time boyfriend and a couple of random roommates.

 

[powellrj]

I am surprised that this is even noticed by other people.

I have 3 kids that have all gone to college in different ways. DS#1 went back to school after being in the army and getting married, so he goes to a local private school and lives at his home. He isn't involved in school stuff because he is older than the average student and he is busy with raising kids and working 2 jobs.

DS#2 went to a state school where I swear he majored in fraternity and not in a good way. We only saw the kid on breaks and even then he always seemed to have something going on. He lived in party houses and the fraternity house and lived the college life to the full. DS use to use DD in films he made so she spent some time with him at school. That was when she decided she was going to a Christian College.

DD is going to a private school about an hour away. She doesn't have a car, but her best friend also goes to school there with a car and her brother works in the town where her school is so she gets rides back and forth with them. I guess people looking in from the outside may think she always goes home on the weekend, but thats just not true. She maybe gone on the weekend, but she not coming home. Last week was fall break and she was home 1 day. The rest of the time she was away doing other things. One day she was asked to be a guest speaker at a church 3 hours away and the next day she was at my DDILs because 4 of her friends from school were coming down to get their hair cut at DDILs. She works 20 hours a week as an assistant to a department head. She has friends from all over the world that come home with her some weekends and she has invited some to come over Christmas and Thanksgiving. She was only a freshman last year and went to a few weddings and made plans to met people 1/2 way across the country.

She may not be at school, but she also isn't at home. She is just a busy kid who has lots going on, just not what people think of as normal college stuff.

 

[cabanafrau]

I've been a firm believer in leaving home for college, possibly because my own experience of commuting to a local university was not ideal. Our younger DD is dead set on attending our local community college for two years and transferring to a state university to finish her bachelor's degree in education. I'm very afraid it will be too much like HS 2.0, complicated further by the fact she now has a long-term boyfriend who attends the community college. He was planning to transfer to the same state university but found they don't offer the major he planned to pursue. Now he's changed his planned major, was still going to remain local before transferring to another state university about 30 min from the one DD plans on attending. It shook him up when he mentioned it recently and she warned him, don't follow me like a puppy, I plan to have my college experience and I'm not going to be focusing on spending every weekend with you.

My jaw hit the floor. Hopefully she really does have a plan and will stick with it. Of course I'm not thrilled with her planned major either, but we'll see what happens.

 

[LisaR]

The university I attended had no social scene except for drunken frat parties, which I had no interest in, so I drove the 90 minutes home on weekends when I wasn't working. I have a good relationship with my parents, particularly my mother, and I have no regrets about spending my time at home back then.

FWIW, I didn't live in a dorm, I lived in an off-campus rental house with my at-the-time boyfriend and a couple of random roommates.

Obviously I don't know your university so I can only take you at your word. What I noticed at the colleges we visited was that every single one of them (big, small, public, private) offered TONS of things for students to do. Yes, most had frat houses and parties, but every school had so many club options, intramural sports, church services, health club, a ton of food options, you name it. I told my DD that if she couldn't find something to do, she wasn't looking hard enough. The colleges we toured were absolutely nothing like the college I went to!

 

[scrapquitler]

here's what i'm wondering...
why would you dorm at a college thats about an hour away unless like me you're visually impaired and therefore cannot drive?

many of my friends went to colleges that were about 45-60 minutes away from their house and they all just drove.

Well, my daughter lives on campus, and it's only about 25 minutes from home. She felt strongly that she wanted the full 'college experience' of living on campus, and she wanted to have some more independence than she had living at home. Beyond that, it's purely practical for her to be on campus: she's a theater major and she works in the theater on campus. They have late night rehearsals for shows, and work in the theater for her job where they need to stay late after shows. Many of these hours are on the weekends. Other times they need to be there very early in the morning. By the time she spends several hours in class, rehearsing and working int he theater, she often has 12-14 hour days and then still needs to study to keep her GPA high enough for her scholarships. Driving home, even 25 minutes after a long day just isn't practical or safe, especially in the winter when roads can be hazardous because of snow and ice.

She has a friend who is involved in many of the same activities as she is. Her friend does not live on campus, and has told my DD that she feels left out a lot.

 

[ravenclawtrekkie]

Obviously I don't know your university so I can only take you at your word. What I noticed at the colleges we visited was that every single one of them (big, small, public, private) offered TONS of things for students to do. Yes, most had frat houses and parties, but every school had so many club options, intramural sports, church services, health club, a ton of food options, you name it. I told my DD that if she couldn't find something to do, she wasn't looking hard enough. The colleges we toured were absolutely nothing like the college I went to!

Clubs weren't a big thing at my school back in the day because there were strict policies about faculty supervisors. These policies have since changed and there are more options for students now then there were in my time.

As for sports, I had a job that required my presence too often for me to be a reliable member of a sports team, in addition to having moderate-to-severe asthma and complications from a broken hip when I was a teenager that limit my ability to perform physical activity.

Finally, our health club was limited to student athletes and people who paid an extra fee to use it (which I did not, due to being broke and semi-disabled), nothing about hanging out in a food-court-style cafeteria is all that fun, and as a non-religious person, church services aren't appealing.

But thanks for your concern?

 

[cabanafrau]

Obviously I don't know your university so I can only take you at your word. What I noticed at the colleges we visited was that every single one of them (big, small, public, private) offered TONS of things for students to do. Yes, most had frat houses and parties, but every school had so many club options, intramural sports, church services, health club, a ton of food options, you name it. I told my DD that if she couldn't find something to do, she wasn't looking hard enough. The colleges we toured were absolutely nothing like the college I went to!

Actually we have a large state school that had that reputation back in my day and still does. I have a few good friends with kids who go or have gone there and each says it's absolutely true. Most have managed to make it through happy and successful in spite of that by building a good network of friends. Sadly I have another friend whose son's experience has been difficult because he fell in with the network of friends who go with the party flow. Even the kids I've talked to who have avoided the trap will tell you it hasn't been easy.

DD is at a very large school that does have things offered, but often it's difficult to participate in quite a few things because of the way they're scheduled also. She's been very frustrated that several things she went in with the idea of participating in have yet to work out in her schedule.

 

[SMD]

I've been a firm believer in leaving home for college, possibly because my own experience of commuting to a local university was not ideal. Our younger DD is dead set on attending our local community college for two years and transferring to a state university to finish her bachelor's degree in education. I'm very afraid it will be too much like HS 2.0, complicated further by the fact she now has a long-term boyfriend who attends the community college. He was planning to transfer to the same state university but found they don't offer the major he planned to pursue. Now he's changed his planned major, was still going to remain local before transferring to another state university about 30 min from the one DD plans on attending. It shook him up when he mentioned it recently and she warned him, don't follow me like a puppy, I plan to have my college experience and I'm not going to be focusing on spending every weekend with you.

My jaw hit the floor. Hopefully she really does have a plan and will stick with it. Of course I'm not thrilled with her planned major either, but we'll see what happens.

I know quite a few people who went to our local high school 2.0 community college. I also know some who figured out what they wanted to do a little later, transferred after more than 2 years or dropped back in and ended up with MAs and in one case a PhD. Making a mistake with the choice of college at 18-19 doesn't seem to be something people can't recover from later. Actually, I went to a 4 year school and know some people who probably weren't ready to leave home and may have screwed up their life more than had they spent 3 years in community college instead of 2.

 

[LisaR]

Clubs weren't a big thing at my school back in the day because there were strict policies about faculty supervisors. These policies have since changed and there are more options for students now then there were in my time.

As for sports, I had a job that required my presence too often for me to be a reliable member of a sports team, in addition to having moderate-to-severe asthma and complications from a broken hip when I was a teenager that limit my ability to perform physical activity.

Finally, our health club was limited to student athletes and people who paid an extra fee to use it (which I did not, due to being broke and semi-disabled), nothing about hanging out in a food-court-style cafeteria is all that fun, and as a non-religious person, church services aren't appealing.

But thanks for your concern?

No concern on my part. Sorry if I offended you in some way. You said, "The university I attended had no social scene except for drunken frat parties, which I had no interest in...." I was trying (maybe not successfully) to point out that *most* colleges TODAY have plenty of other options if the student just looks. You even came back to say that there were sports options but you weren't able to participate for various reasons. In other words, there was at least one other thing to do besides drunken frat parties.

Every school has a party scene. I know someone who had to drop out of BYU because he partied too much!

 

[firecracker725]

who cares. not your kid.

You hit the nail right on the head there.

 

[HeatherC]

I don't think it is a big deal for kids to come home. But I think it is a big deal when families and their kids are taking out tons of loans so their kid gets to have "the college experience". My DD is a freshman and commutes to school. She has spent more time at her local campus on the weekends--because her boyfriend lives there, than some of her friends who are financing most of their education with huge loans.

Two of her friends have been home every weekend...in fact they come home Thursday night and go back Monday morning. That I find crazy for the amound of financial strain their families are now under and the amount of loans they will have to pay back.

I do think it changes when kids get an apartment. Dorm living is loud and cramped and not the ideal living conditions for studying and sleeping for many kids. I think this probably plays into it as well.

 

[Missy1961]

I always kind of chuckle when this topic comes up. I'm the second oldest of six children, we all went to a local university, and only one of us lived in the dorms at school. And the one that lived in the dorms came home almost every weekend in the beginning.

And guess what? None of us missed out on the college experience. We joined clubs, went to games, partied, etc. We all have had zero problems going out into the world and being independent.

So I don't worry about what anyone else does. Not my kid, so I don't care.

 

[NewRVLady]

Wondering why someone stays at a dorm close to home.....in my case I had a very overprotected family and went to an all girls HS...No matter where I went to college I DEFINITELY wanted to live away

But some majors require intense hours, as was case for one of my kids who decided to stay home and attended local UNI

 

[MomofKatie]

I can understand why students want to live on campus, even if their parents live nearby. There really is a difference in the amount of involvement when commuting vs living there.

DD is in a bit of a unique situation- she attends a residential high school (juniors and seniors only) 2 1/2 hours away from home. She comes home about one weekend a month, and only because they are mandatory home weekends. If it was up to her, she would only come home for major holidays. She got a summer research mentorship and was only at home for 2 weeks at the end of summer before going back for her senior year. She has applied for just one college in the state we live, so we probably won't be seeing her often starting next fall.

She wasn't involved in her old high school at all, besides going to class and playing soccer. Now, partly because she lives on campus, she is much more involved and engaged in campus life and activities. I expect this to continue in college.

There is nothing wrong with kids coming home every weekend (or living at home and commuting), but I feel they are missing out on part of the college experience, IMO. Becoming more independent, learning to do things for themselves, and having social lives separate from their hometown friends and family are all important during the college years.

 

[unhinged]

maybe i have the wrong person.
maybe you are the one that enjoys conflict.
maybe not.
or maybe you're both the same person with 2 accounts?
maybe not.

lol this is becoming too much.
maybe we can agree to disagree.

I am very confused on what your position is and what point you are trying to make.

I can give an example of why my son is living on campus even though the university is 8 minutes away.

First of all, it is required of all freshman. He did not have an option to live at home and commute. We would not have qualified for the financial waiver that would allow an exception.

And even if he could live at home, he wouldn't. He is in an engineering program and his dorm is only for engineers. They have tutoring sessions nightly in the dorm. They have their own computer room with all the very expensive software needed to do their work. You can't get by with just a laptop with Microsoft Office. Just one of the programs is over $1,000 for the student license, so it is much better to use the school facilities.

He likes having an entire dorm taking the same classes so impromptu study sessions happen all the time. Everyone understands the stress everybody is under so there is great camaraderie.

He does stop home some weekends for a few hours but always has to get back for a study session or a social event. He plays a sport, is on an intramural team and belongs to a campus club . Luckily, with so much studying necessary, there is no time for partying.