College DD Homesick--Please give advice! UPDATE page 9

[Blueeyes101817]

using disney may help...its not YOUR fault the community college starts the week before, but it may help you

 

[Swimnoid]

What's your DD's major? I think one thing that really helped my DD this year was being convinced that her choice of school was the very best for her major. The other one that was good would have been a commute. Thank Goodness she didnt choose that one with the current price of gas!

 

[floridafam]

Maybe she really is just homesick.

It must be so difficult to tell the exact reason she wants to come home.

I came home from college and thrived. My parents also suggested staying one more semester.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

My DD's school is good for her current major (social work/psychology). It's the only college that she considered that let her double in those 2--most others she could only major in psych. BUT, she says she wants to change majors to criminology, which isn't offered at her current school. I know that she likes what she knows about criminology, but I also wouldn't put it past her deciding to switch her major because she knows it would mean that she'd have to switch schools. I sure hope she wouldn't do that, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Blueeyes101817, yep, not my fault!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Maybe she really is just homesick.

It must be so difficult to tell the exact reason she wants to come home.

I came home from college and thrived. My parents also suggested staying one more semester.

So did you stay the one more semester or did you come home when you wanted to? Did you have a university near your home or did you go to CC?

I really think most of it is that she misses her boyfriend. She really doesn't enjoy spending lots of time in our house. Aly doesn't like a lot of noise and chaos (which is something she doesn't like about living in a dorm) and our home is noisy and chaotic (lots of pets, 3 younger brothers, SAHM, work at home dad). She was irritated by it the little time that she was home last weekend.

But you're right, if she is indeed homesick I don't want her to stay there. It's very hard to figure out just what is going on.

Oh, also her and her roommate are not getting along. They did in the beginning, but 2 moody girls rooming together is not easy.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

the roommate thing could be a big part of it...i was very lucky that i had a good roommate, but i still wanted to switch after the first semester....i didnt have a boyfriend at home, so my parents knew that wasnt the reason, or i bet they wouldnt have been too happy about it then...

 

[floridafam]

Ugh, not getting a long with a roommate can turn into a big problem.

I came home (the college was about 50 miles from my house) and went to a CC for a semester and then went to a local university.

It worked for me.

It sounds like she may like to go to a small college. Is the one she is at now small?

Good luck. I can only tell you what happened in my situation. I know you are probably scared that she's going to regret coming home.

Keep us posted on what happens.

 

[Tiggeroo]

she's thinking like an 18yo. She probably worries about what her bf is doing while she's away. Plus she misses him and her old life. You can't really make her stay away. But you could try to stall her til she gets better adjusted. Remind her of the bf's plans and see if she'll at least stay put for the second semester while he does his training.
If that doesn't work see if you can find a school that is around a half hour away where she'll still live on campus. I' dimagine that her and the bf will break up over the next year because they'll tire of the distance thing.
You need to be sure that nothing else is wrong school though.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

It sounds like she may like to go to a small college. Is the one she is at now small?

I know you are probably scared that she's going to regret coming home.

The college she is at is small--she only considered small colleges. I think that maybe she ended up at a place too small. But there are things to do there that she is not doing so she could be more active than she is being.

I'm not only scared that she'll end up regretting coming home, but also that I'll regret it.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

she's thinking like an 18yo. She probably worries about what her bf is doing while she's away. Plus she misses him and her old life. You can't really make her stay away. But you could try to stall her til she gets better adjusted. Remind her of the bf's plans and see if she'll at least stay put for the second semester while he does his training.
If that doesn't work see if you can find a school that is around a half hour away where she'll still live on campus. I' dimagine that her and the bf will break up over the next year because they'll tire of the distance thing.
You need to be sure that nothing else is wrong school though.

I don't think she's worried about what the boyfriend is doing since he's so busy with work, school, and volunteer firefighting. He really doesn't have time for her (if she moves back here). He's funny--he has IMed me before to say hi and one time he brought a firetruck to the house (complete with several firefighters) to show my 5yo. Think he's trying to impress us?

Last night I told her that she would have a hard time next year when her now senior friends go away to college.

The colleges that would be a good distance away (close, but far enough away) would be about 45 minutes or so away. I think a good distance. One of them (that she did consider, but didn't like) is UMBC, where your son is going, if I remember right.

 

[LoveWDW]

Not getting along with a roommate is a major problem. My roommates all graduated together so they were a group and I was not part of it and too shy to force my way in. I finally found some friends in another room and started going around with them, and I settled in. Also, coming home was never an option that was put up to me. It was expected that I'd pick and attend a college, no choice of if I didn't like it I could come home. I was expected to adjust myself to make it work.

I'd like to mention Grove City College near Pittsburgh. It is a small private college, affliated with the Presbyterian Church but not requiring belief etc. Each student pays for his or her own education, along with generous endowments by alumni, so the cost is very low- When my son attended... about 10-12 years ago, it was about $8000 total! per year! Including tuition and room and board. And there was no drinking permitted on campus- anyone caught with alcohol would be expelled. And the dorms were strictly single gender. When the kids went into the dining room they left their books on shelves outside the room. I asked my son if they weren't afraid of theft, he looked at me, surprised, and said, Mom, there is no stealing here. Now we are talking 10-12 years ago, so I don't know present conditions, but if you want a small college, inexpensive because no student pays for any other student's education, only their own, endowments handle the rest, and the idea of a conservative, non-drinking campus appeals, then you may want to check it out. In addition, Grove City consistently scores high academically. My son got an excellent education there and found himself much better prepared when he pursued his Masters than most other people in the Masters program. The college is hard to get into- very high grades and SAT scored needed.

 

[snoopy]

Not sure how I missed this the first time you posted it T&B. I just read through and read all the updates....sorry that your DD is still wanting to come home.

I left my high school boyfriend to go to NYU as a freshman, he was here at U of Maryland. I was absolutely miserable up there without him for theI first semester, I can really identify with your DD and feeling like she can't go on without him...we are so dramatic at that age, no? I did stick it out though and we continued an on and off again relationship until he graduated U of Md. and came up to me in NY. After grad school we got married.

Looking back, I'm so glad I had first those two years without him. I really believe I was able to immerse myself in the full college experience precisely because I did not have the boyfriend to consider at every turn. I just had me to worry about, which is really all any freshman should have.

I think you should continue encouraging her to stick it out 1 year. If at the end of the 1 year mark she continues to want to come home, then I guess you'll have no choice. I do think if this guy is as crazy about her as she is him they will work out a way to be together that won't compromise her studies or his career with firefighting.

Hugs T&B! Hope it gets better. When are we going to lunch? I've got big shoulders if you want to cry on me in person.....

 

[Jennifer S]

I haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to say I was just like your daughter my freshman year. I was going to do the same thing for my boyfriend. Thank God I didn't. He dumped me the semester I was going to transfer and then I met my DH. I never came home except for breaks after that. Please tell her to try it a little longer. I don't think she gave it enough time yet. The first semester is the hardest. She'll get used to it.

Good luck!!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Her roommate just got back after a weekend home and is in a good mood. Hopefully they'll work out some of their problems, but that would require communication, something that seems to be lacking with them (are all young adults that way?).

My DH and I did meet when I'd just gotten out of high school, but we lived (12 hours or so) for about 1-1 1/2 years until he moved to Oregon, but that was still about 4 hours from where I lived. After 1 semester of that I transferred to the college he was at. So it's not as if we rushed into living near each other.

So I can understand some of their feelings, but I don't get why they'd want to make these big sacrifices when they've only known each other for 4 months.

I am hoping that she can stick it out until May. She doesn't go back until the very end of January, so she only has Feb, March (spring break for one week that month), April, and then they finish the end of May. It might seem like forever to her, but it's really not many months.

Snoopy, I was going to put some possible lunch dates on the Wash DC thread and just have anyone interested in meeting vote. Seems the most fair--hard to pick a date when everyone can make it.

Jennifer S, Maybe I can IM her boyfriend and have him dump her. Just kidding! That would be so mean of me.

 

[Kimberly]

Once she gets involved she really won't miss home at all. I used to call a lot until soccer started up for me, and my parents then started to complain that I didn't call enough. It's only a week, tell her to hang in there.

 

[Lynn CC]

My DS is a freshman this year too,he's 2 hours away. We told him long before he left for college that he had to stay at the college he chose, or transfer after the first or second year to another 4 year...and live there.
There was NO coming home. We kind of got the Oh, Well you'll have to make the best of it, if there was a complaint. He had just a few small complaints and has learned to adjust so far.
He knows coming home is not an option. We don't want to be mean, but we think it's best for him (he's an only), to make a life of his own without depending on us too much. He knows we are there for him and we do see him a lot, but he can't just go from a 4 year college to a Community College.
I'd let your DD know how you feel, and that you don't want her to give up after just one semester. Sometimes it takes the whole freshman year before they feel comfortable.
My DS wants to get an apartment next year, instead of having a roommate, so we will see if there is anything affordable in the area. Hotels around there have rooms for students too, so that's another option that he likes.
Not everything is perfect, but they do have to give it a chance, don't you think?
Hugs to you, you must be so worried about her. Let her know if it is meant to be between her and her BF at home, then it will wait until after her education is complete. JMHO..not trying to tell you how to parent, it's not easy is it?

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Once she gets involved she really won't miss home at all. I used to call a lot until soccer started up for me, and my parents then started to complain that I didn't call enough. It's only a week, tell her to hang in there.

My original post was written after one week, but the update after 7 weeks. She hasn't gotten involved enough in different activities, which means that she hasn't met enough people from different places. I think that would help her and I have suggested things, but...

Lynn CC, she won't admit that wanting to see her boyfriend is even a part of this decision, which of course it is. I've told her that to move for someone she hasn't known for long is not a good decision and that I realize that she's not going to admit to me (and maybe even herself) that missing him is influencing her decision. You're right, though, if it ends up working out between them it can and will happen even if they are apart.

 

[rigs32]

I used to work in Higher Edu, so here's something to keep in mind. The more schools she goes to, the tougher it's going to be to get accepted to the next one. Even with great grades, the college may look at her transcript(s) and wonder why she keeps school hopping. Why should she get a space that could go to someone who is truly interested in attending the school.

That can also come into play if she intends on going to grad school. The program may wonder what the likelihood of her changing so many time might carry over into graduate school. Unfair? Yep, but I know it happens.

Why does she want to be a cirminology major? I would think it would limit her more than her current soc/psych combo. That combo would cover much of the same material, but leave her so many more options and opportunities to discover areas she has an interest in that focusing solely on criminology.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I used to work in Higher Edu, so here's something to keep in mind. The more schools she goes to, the tougher it's going to be to get accepted to the next one. Even with great grades, the college may look at her transcript(s) and wonder why she keeps school hopping. Why should she get a space that could go to someone who is truly interested in attending the school.

That can also come into play if she intends on going to grad school. The program may wonder what the likelihood of her changing so many time might carry over into graduate school. Unfair? Yep, but I know it happens.

Why does she want to be a cirminology major? I would think it would limit her more than her current soc/psych combo. That combo would cover much of the same material, but leave her so many more options and opportunities to discover areas she has an interest in that focusing solely on criminology.

That's good to know and I will pass the info on to her. I told her that it wouldn't look got to a future employee that she's gone to so many different colleges (didn't know if it's true, but figured it might be), but I hadn't thought about her making it more difficult to get into colleges.

I'm really not sure about why she wants to major in criminology. I didn't get to that point in my thought process last night and was caught off guard with that bit of news. Good question to ask her. Thanks! Any other suggestions of things to ask or tell her?

 

[rigs32]

Always be mindful of the reputation/ranking of the colleges she's choosing if she intends on going to graduate school - it can make a difference. Just because a school offers a particular major doesn't mean their program is any good.

If she's intent on transferring, maybe you can do research together - contacting the career services offices and possibly alumni to see if there are any locals with jobs she wants. How tough was the job market, what percentage of grads from that school find jobs easily.

The same thing for grad schools. Since she wants criminology, I'll use law school as an example. Where have recent grads gone to law school? Can you contact them? If so, ask how easy/tough it was to be a grad from that school going to law school?

It sounds like it's a long way down the road, but it might be helpful for you to try and steer her to a good place for her - who knows, maybe the local state school WILL be the right place for her, or maybe you can try to cast a wider net if she's truly unhappy at her current school.