College DD Homesick--Please give advice! UPDATE page 9

[cristbaby]

Wow, what a tuff situation to be in for a Mom. She should stay for at least the first semester. As so many others have said, I'm sure it's the boyfriend that is making her so homesick. Trust me, I'm sure it's not the family so much. I'm a firm believer that all high school graduates should do one year at a local commuter college and then decide if they want to go away. I understand you situation since we went through it 10 years ago with my daughter. good luck in whatever she chooses to do.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

One reason that I really encouraged her to stay at home for the first year or 2 is that she is very young (will be 17yo her whole first semester) and I've heard about too many people who went away and then came back home after one semester. I was trying to avoid that, but she wasn't listening.

Maybe if she is still talking about moving home in November I should remind her about our house rules. That couldn make her choose to stay at school.

T&B

 

[disneymom3]

T&B--I went 2000 miles from home for college. I was the first one of my family to leave the local college system even though I am the youngest of 8. My mom made the adjustment oh so much easier. She and my dad were not even able to come to the school with me for the parent orientation or anything as my mom was a teacher at the time and her classes started the same week mine did. However, what she did was write to me EVERY SINGLE DAY of my freshman year!! Yes, every single day! So, on Mondays, I would usually get two letters. That was so incredibly cool and it really helped a lot. Each day, I knew I would be hearing from mom--maybe just a postcard or a little funny greeting card that simply said, "I miss you." but no matter what there was always somethign in my mailbox. I still have every one of those letters.

Man, that makes me miss my mom! I reallly need to call her!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Yikes, 2000 miles is a long way! My DD and I IM a lot, but I'll start sending her a daily e-mail of some sort. I think that I'm so concerned about making her more homesick that I'm probably doing just the opposite. ARG! What's a mother to do?

T&B

 

[SDFgirl]

Oh, please don't worry too much about her. I know that's easier said than done, but my brother and I both hated college the first week or two. She's homesick, she misses everything that's comfortable and familiar. I'm 28 and I can still recall that fall 10 years ago when my mom and dad dropped me off!! I felt so lost and forlorn...but then I met people, figured out campus, hung out w/ the girls in the dorm, etc. and I had a blast! Freshman year turned out to be one of the most fun times of my life.

Oh, and about the honors program...I was in the Honors Program at my University and felt the same way. All the kids in there were so "affected" and thought they were so wonderful and complicated and sophisticated! I didn't fit in with them at all...so your DD may just be right about them! I made other friends and just went to classes w/ fellow honors students.

I wouldn't say yes or no to her about moving back. I would tell her - "Listen, I think it's way to early to make a decision on this right now. If, after Thanksgiving, you feel the same, we can discuss it then." Let you'll know you'll be supportive of her if she really decides she wants to move back, but the decision needs to be made after she's had a significant amount of time to adjust to college life. Chances are, she'll want to stay. But at least you're leaving options open for her which will probably relax her a bit.

Good luck! She'll come out of it just fine!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I would feel so much more secure about her adjustment if she didn't have this darn boyfriend here! He's a nice guy, so nothing personal--it just complicated things. The ironic thing is that she had another boyfriend for a year and a half. He's younger, though, and still in high school and she knew that they'd have to break it off before she went to college since they both needed to grow up and it wouldn't be fair to either one of them to have a long distance relationship. So why did she end up with another boyfriend? LOL
Just no logic sometimes.

I like the advice on what to say to her. Now to make my DH understand!

T&B

 

[WDW Poly Princess]

I vote for sticking it out there for the rest of the semester, and then if she still really wants to, moving back to the local place. Chances are that by the time this semester is over, she will be so settled in there she won't want to come back!

 

[damo]

Micca, Isnt' that the truth. And Aly tends to be a bit emotional and dramatic. Notice how she came to me with this and not her father? There's a reason--she can get me worked up easier than her father.

Damo, I'll think about the webcams. I'm so afraid of making her homesick--it didn't do that to your DD at all?

T&B

No, because you talk all the time. It really helps! Then you just gradually wean her off the webcam!!!

 

[minniecarousel]

We let our oldest leave after the first quarter at his first college. Looking back, we all wish he had stayed at least the whole year! He may have still wanted to leave there, or he may have found out that he liked it. He didn't really give it a chance. It didn't help that he got strep throat in early November and was a 5-6 hour drive from home!

Our youngest stayed a full year at his Freshman college, but transferred to another college for his sophomore year. sheesh! Our sons really didn't like their first choice colleeges, did they?! (BTW - they are both college graduates now!)

I'm sure she'll do a little better once she gets into some activities. The first long weekend is the pits! A lot of students may go home for weekends, or at least the long ones. Tell her to hang in there. (No one told us how difficult it was to parent the big "kids" - makes all that earlier stuff seem minor!)

 

[Tigger&Belle]

The college she ended up going to wasn't her top choice, but was a place that she liked when we visited. Her top choice didn't have her much in the way of $ and was more expensive to begin with, so she went with #2 choice. Don't know that she wouldn't have been having the same issues at her first choice, of course.

Yes, little kids--little problems, big kids--big problems.

This is a big year for me, too, with my oldest starting college and my youngest kindergarten. At least my 5yo seems to love school. At least this week.

T&B

 

[disney4us2002]

T&B, I'm having flashbacks to my own college experience, lol. I went to Frostburg which I mention because it is set up similarly to Salisbury. Things of course were different in the 80's without the electronic age but I remember my parents getting specifics from parent orientation to watch for and combat this homesickness. I was absolutely miserable until about mid-October. My parents refused to allow me to come home weekends even if I found a ride and they often didn't answer the phone when I tried calling nightly. I thought they must not miss me at all but my dad later told me it nearly killed my mom because I'd cry and beg to come home and she'd be too upset to talk so they stopped answering the phone. Mom sent a care package every week with goodies, money, and a note. I didn't have much in common with my roommate and we really didn't ever grow to get along, but the dorm RA (resident assistant - they must have someone like this still) was a great support and recommended many things like the freshman mixers which were held weekly and all the great clubs, fraternities, sororities, etc. Slowly, I began to rely on myself and I think grow up a bit. I was also 17 until Thanksgiving so I get your concern about her immaturity.

Since it wasn't advised to allow weekend returns, my parents came to visit me at least twice before Thanksgiving and that was really a very positive thing because they wanted me to show them around and take them to the "hot spots" and such. I was the youngest so I had no siblings at home to miss but since your dd is the oldest, she may be missing her sibs even though they probably fought and drove each other crazy, lol. I think it's mostly about feeling lost and wanting the comfort of familiarity.

Keep encouraging her, be positive, ask about her studies, her professors, the food, dorm life, etc.

PS: I never left Frostburg. I absolutely fell in love with the place and met my dh there my 2nd year. Those were the greatest and quickest four years!!!

 

[Mykelogan]

Hi there T&B,

Just wanted to add my voice. I work at a college in the residence halls so I have about 10 years of experience now with working with homesick first year students. I think that you are doing well supporting and encouraging her. I would encourage her to make contact with the staff of the residence hall she lives in as they are there to help. If she is interested in getting more involved & meeting people I would suggest she pop into the office of Student Activities/Programming. At every college they are always looking for students to get involved with putting on events, like the concert you mentioned she enjoyed. It is a great way to meet people and build some great skills too. For you, I think encouraging her to "stick it out" for a few weeks is the best thing. Homesickness is usually related to not feeling like you have found your place in a new surrounding. That takes time. I also speak as someone who went to college 6 hours away from home and knew no one at the school I went to. It took me time but I adjusted and fell in love with my school. I wish you & your DD the very best during this tough time and if I can answer any questions from my work experience, just let me know!

Mike

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I also think that Frostburg is similar to Salisbury. The actual town of Salisbury is bigger, but the actual schools seem a lot alike. So you were one of those Frostburg partiers that I've heard so much about? Aly's first choice was St Mary's, which is an honors college and she really tried to sell me on it bu telling my how much more serious it would be, with a lot less wild behavior than Salisbury. Funny thing is that Aly has a good friend at St Mary's who has a roommate (DD of a professor at St Mary's) who is a real party animal. So much for serious St Mary's. LOL

Mykelogan, I will mention to her that she should talk to her RA and any other dorm staff. Anything to meet people. Is there a place where she can sign up for a new boyfriend?

I will also suggest counseling if this persists or she seems more down.

My husband and I did talk and agreed that we'd do what we could to help and support her without getting upset or mad at her. Not that I was getting mad, but... We'll also tell her that it's too early to make any decisions and that we'll discuss it at Thankgiving.

We'd really like a 1 year commitment from her, but I don't know that it's realistic if she really ends up hating it. We'll deal with that when the time comes, though. Hopefully she'll adjust and be happy there.

I wonder if her roommate is homesick, too, and they are feeding off each other.

T&B

 

[Divamomto3]

I went through the same thing when I was a freshman in college back in 1985. And I was at a college in a dorm only 20 minutes from home!! I wanted to come home for dinner every night in the beginning and I'd cry when it was time to go back. I begged my parents to let me commute the next semester.

By November, they had to ask my friends that commuted to tell me to call them once in a while! (This was 1985 when there were no such thing as cell phones and most freshmen shared the PAYPHONE in the HALLWAY! Can you IMAGINE!)

It took a few weeks but it quickly became the best experience of my life. 20 years later...I still miss college! Reassure her that of course she could come home, but I suspect she'll decide to stay on her own. I hope she does...living away at college is an experience that can't be matched. No 17 year old boyfriend is worth missing that for! (And if she was smart, she'd realize that he may be able to take a couple of weekend road trips to see her...not that that's what you and your husband want to hear!!)

 

[Tiggeroo]

my son's first choice was st. mary's for a long while. But they weren't going to offer a track scholarship and were more then umbc. We also liked the track coach at umbc better. He has a few friends at mount and his first xc meet was there last Fri. My son wasn't the best student in hs and I think he would have struggled more at mt. So far we're happy with the umbc choice.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

my son's first choice was st. mary's for a long while. But they weren't going to offer a track scholarship and were more then umbc. We also liked the track coach at umbc better. He has a few friends at mount and his first xc meet was there last Fri. My son wasn't the best student in hs and I think he would have struggled more at mt. So far we're happy with the umbc choice.

Kind of confusing, but there are 2 St Mary's in MD--one Mount St Mary's, in north central MD and St Mary's in southern MD.

Divamomto3, I hope she decides to stay on her own. She would NOT be happy living at home and having to deal with chores, curfews, etc. She told me that she's not staying out late at college, which might be true, but only because she doesn't have a boyfriend there. Also, if she were here she couldn't expect to see him all the time--he's in school and works. This summer they spent lots of time together, but with school it would be different.

It's good to know that so many people went through the same thing that she is going through and that it improved with time.

T&B

 

[chrissyk]

I'll admit it...I was sooooo homesick for the first few weeks of college. I even went so far as to request catalogs from the schools that I wanted to transfer to. I probably called my mother about 3 times a day and drove her crazy. I went home every weekend. My diary from that timeframe is filled with entries that say things like "I really miss my mom" I couldn't believe that their life had gone on without me It didn't occur that they were LEAVING me in my dorm room until they actually left To this day, my parents still bring up the fact that I said "You're LEAVING me here???" when they went to leave after dropping me off freshman year I missed my sister, I missed my mother, and I missed my friends. I might have even missed my dad, although his lack of sympathy for my homesickness did not play in his favor

Anyways, after about 3-4 weeks, I started meeting people, I got more into my classes, and I snapped out of it. According to my mother, I STILL went home most weekends freshman year (I don't recall this, but I believe her). However, once I met people I was at least very happy at college during the week. Also, once classes really get going, you don't have much time to be homesick. Oh, and meeting boys at college DID help

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I missed my sister, I missed my mother, and I missed my friends. I might have even missed my dad, although his lack of sympathy for my homesickness did not play in his favor

I'll tell my DH that if he wants our DD to miss him he'd better be more sympathetic!

T&B

 

[chrissyk]

I'll tell my DH that if he wants our DD to miss him he'd better be more sympathetic!

T&B

Good plan To this day, I don't know if my dad has any idea that his lack of sympathy meant that he didn't make my "miss list" when I was homesick

 

[Blueeyes101817]

My first semester of college, i went away about 2.5 hours to a small school in PA..LOVED it when i visited, met friends, but when i got there, it was horrible--it seemed to me to be just like high school and the people i was living with in the dorms were very self centered and obnoxious, making it hard to enjoy myself--i joined clubs , went out with friends, but was miserable that first semester...Yes, i was homesick,but it wasnt that alone..
after about thanksgiving, i knew i wouldnt be coming back next semester..got all the paper work done, and applied to a college that is closer to my house...got accepted and left--MUCH happier now and i am going into my junior yearo f college--i can now live at home and have a job that i like , i dont feel like im missing any part of the college experience,,but thats just another story of "been there, done that" good luck!!