Cohabitating?

[boltfans]

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

I lived with my husband for 2 years before we got married. We were engaged that whole time, but wanting our wedding date when it was for many reasons (family considerations, our school schedules, my mom's health). We moved in together because we both went to graduate schools in the same city, which was not near either of our families. Rent prices were outrageous (we're in Washington, DC) and since we knew we were getting married in 2 years and planned to start a family, we wanted to save as much as we could before then. So we discussed it and living together was the best solution for us.

The only real difference I would say I noticed is that it feels like we've been married an extra 2 years. Those 2 years we were effectively married in terms of finances as we don't do anything differently now. Socially everything is the same too.

Oh, and we are both Catholic, my husband even went to Catholic school from K-12, his sister teaches at a Catholic school, etc. No one in his family was bothered by our situation.

 

[boltfans]

My husband and I lived together for almost 3 years before we got married...2 before we were engaged and I encourage it. Personally I think it's better to live with someone before you marry them so each person can get used to each other's living habits. Sometimes there are things you just can't live with and I think it's horrible to find out about if after the fact and be stuck with it forever. I know there are a lot of people who disagree, but this is just my opinion. Of course, neither DH nor I are christian, so obviously that affects our decision greatly. But really you two just need to do what it best for you. It shouldn't be anyone else's decision and really no one needs to have a say as it is your lives.

*edited to add: when we lived together before we were married, it was living as if we were married. Not a "room-mate" type situation. Obviously that isn't the way you two would be doing things and personally I think treating it that way and then trying to live together as husband and wife later would make things a little weird, as initially there would be such a separation. But once again...that's just my opinion.

I agree with this. There are many things you find out when living with someone that you would never otherwise know.

And we also lived in one room, not a seperate room situation. So I think that would make a difference too.

 

[goofy!]

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

Yes, in a heartbeat.
No - we have a great marriage. It will be 25 years in August. Any impact was positive.

 

[MaumeeMom]

PARTIAL

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

I haven't read this whole thread and I have to get going soon but I wanted to answer this Q.

My DH and I lived together for a few years before we got married. We even bought a house together and were the scandal of the neighborhood at the time. Would I do it again? Yes, in a heartbeat.

This time together gave us a chance to get to know each other and to know if we could really live with each other forever. I think it made us stronger as a couple. We got together when we were very young. We had a lot of growing up to do and waited until we were adult enough to make a lifetime commitment. We waited to get married until we were financially stable and ready to start a family.

I've used the test drive the car analogy on this board before which put me in hot water but I still believe it.

Looking back after 20 years, for us, this was the right decision and life has worked out very well. We have a strong family and a good marriage.

Good luck, no matter your decision.

 

[TheDisneyGirl02]

My other advice would be that there may never be a "perfect" time to get married.

That is exactly what I was thinking when I was reading through this thread. My fiance and I are getting married in October. We've been together almost 3 years and both of us still live at home. I go down to his house on the weekends (or he comes up to mine) and we spend the weekend together. We are currently looking for a place to live, but financially it's hard to find something nice that we can afford. That being said, I still know that now is the time for use to get married and start our lives together. We aren't getting any younger! LOL!

How long distance is your relationship? That may factor into your decision too.

I guess what I'm trying to say if you wait for the perfect time (financially stable) to get engaged/married, it may or may not happen.

Go with what your heart is telling you, not a priest or even a religion. If you feel this is what you want to do, just do it and don't look back.

 

[Castlebound]

It cost just as much to live together as a married couple as it does as roommates. In fact it may actually be cheaper to be married because of health benefits and tax breaks. I think going from having a boyfriend who is just a roommate to sooner or later a husband would be hard. What you describe is not a "trial run" for marriage, it is roommates. There is more to living together as a couple than sex, but I don't see it in what you describe. You are still planning on keeping everything as your stuff or his stuff. You plan on having your room and his room.

One of the things that I love is being able to talk to my DH at night in our bed. I like weekend mornings when I get to snuggle with him for a little while before we get up. I couldn't see myself living with him and not wanting to have that bond of closeness. DH and I did not live together before getting married out of respect for my parents' feelings. If we had lived together we would have shared a bed and everything that comes with that. For me, I would feel concern if I thought I could live for months or years with a man that I'm suppose to be in love with, but I felt like I could hold off my physical desire for him. I would question whether or not my feelings for him were strong enough for marriage. Again I will state that it is how I would feel.

 

[wvjules]

Ok wait...you are buying a house to be close to him but he might get a job and move somewhere else?

 

[sbell111]

... Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

My wife and I lived together prior to getting married. We even bought our home before walking down the aisle. She is Catholic and even works for the diocese. Most everyone didn't know that we lived together. Those that did didn't seem to care. Our living together previously did not harm our marriage in any way.

I can think of no issues related to two people of opposite sex being roommates. It happens all the time. Doing so with someone you are dating adds a layer of complexity to it for you, but doesn't make it wrong.

IF you feel good about living together, do it. If you don't feel right about it, don't do it. You can always revisit the issue down the road.

 

[esbrick]

"I'm in a sort of ethical dilemma and would love to hear different sides of this. If my boyfriend gets a job in the same area I do we are sort of kicking around the idea of sharing a house. It would put us both in a much more comfortable financial state, and we have already had very serious and frank discussions about the future and what it will hold for us."

Since you and I have no relationship and you are asking advice with finances being a big piece of it, I'll just tell you my experience. I moved in with a man for financial reasons in 1986. He had debt, I didn't, but together we got him out of debt, me through nursing school, and financially we were both better off (although money was still very tight). When I refer to financial reasons I'm talking about being so poor that my mainstay food was mac & cheese (when it was on sale for 7 for a $1.00). So my first question for you would be: How much do you really need a roommate? Are your financial needs really bad or would it just be a nice thing to have more spending money? For us, we both needed it to avoid further debt and meet basic needs of shelter, food, and clothing.

As far as living together being a bad thing for marriage, I don't think it makes or breaks a marriage. We were married a couple years after moving in together and we've been married for 21 years this September. Most of it happily . However, and this is an important point, I told him before we moved in that if he didn't intend on marriage I wasn't interested in merging households. I don't think anybody has pointed this out but if the relationship falls apart and you go through a break up under one roof, there are no lawyers and no paperwork to guide you through who gets what, etc. Which may seem like an impossiblity to you right now that you'd ever break up, but it happens, and it could happen to you. So that's another point to consider. I had an engagement ring on my finger and we had a tentative date before my shoes were under the bed .

I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you. Keep the lines of communication open and make sure you're doing what's best for you no matter what other people say. Good luck!

That is precisely it. It is generally frowned upon in our respective religions because the assumption is that the couple must be engaging in inappropriate activity. We actually had the same issue when travelling and deciding whether or not to get separate hotel rooms.

I lived with my DH for 4 years before we got married. We were both raised Catholic and it bothered me for about a nano-second. I realized that the priest wasn't in our bedroom, it's our life and we needed to be comfortable with the decision not a third party.

We've been married for 11 years and we never had a transition problem. Of course we were never "roommates". We acted like a married couple from the moment he moved in. We had a joint bank account, household chores (I do laundry, he does all cooking and groceries), etc.

Personally, at 24 if you are soorried about what others think then I don't believe you are ready to move in together. Keep your own apartment and let him live with his parents.

I have to agree with Seansmom & Eeyore'sthebest! They both gave wonderful advice to you. I have read any posts from you so I am thinking that you may feel a little ganged up on. Please understand that on any forum you are going to get honest advice from people who have been there done that. It may not always be what you want to hear, however, if it's not what you want to hear then you have a few more questions to ask yourself. It's ok to be frustrated.

When I moved in with my DH we had been dating for a while and I was spending alot of time at his house and my apartment was more like my closet and storage space. The worst thing however was that when I slept next to my husband and we feet snuggled, yes very weird, it was something that I missed. Even for one night when I didn't stay over i missed his stinky breath, or sitting on the couch watching TV after work, or him waiting for me to take out my contacts saying "hurry hurry I need your hugs"! That is an awesome feeling.

You say that you are worried about what other's would think and I also think you are worried about what God will think. (Sorry to throw in religion but I promise it will be quick and painless.) You are not committing a mortal sin. You can go to confession once a month if you feel better OR you can go to confession on holidays if that is what is good for you. This is NOT a deal breaker with you and God. 2ndly we know as pp's have said that people are going to talk. Let them as long as you know the truth and the people who know you know the truth then don't worry. It's easier said then done, however, it's all part of growing up and surviving. Finally, you say that you have bought a house and that you are moving. Rock on with your bad self girl! That is a mighty achievement for a 24 year ofl woman! I understand that your bf is looking for a job as a SS teacher and they are hard to come by, however, there are other fields, museum researcher, historical research, that are all out there. Since he is 24 years old he is just starting out so a career change can be done while he is holding out for the teaching job.

Look honey, alls I'm saying is don't sell yourself short. Your a smart young woman and your letting someone else control your direction. Go ahead with your plan, let him go ahead with his, but remember your "happily ever after" could be some what different then what you intended! Grab the opportunity while you can!

 

[bumbershoot]

]
One of the things that I love is being able to talk to my DH at night in our bed.

That is the absolute worst time for hubby and I to talk. We've gotten into MORE arguments at 1am than any other time...

This thread seems to be on the borderline between an advice thread and a religious thread... aren't religious threads banned?

http://disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2125870

We're not talking *about* religion, people are talking about how their life decisions have to do with or without religion. I can't explain that I didn't want to live with a guy but it didn't have to do with religion, unless I bring up that I'm not religious. etc etc.

I'm not sure what line of work he is in but maybe its something that right now has been effected by the economy and he wants to wait until things get better.

Social Studies teacher.

That's kind of harsh Bumbershoot. I can fully understand and respect his decision and do not find it to be silly at all. Actually, his original comment was that we would both have steady jobs before he propsed. I have a job, now we are waiting on him. At this point we do not know where he will end up. I took a job in that area mostly to be closer to him (although I do love the area!), but there just isn't a lot of demand for social studies teachers who aren't coaches. He could end up on the other side of the state! He wants to return to this area eventually, but we don't know if he'll be able to start out there.

It only makes sense that both of us enter married life only after we have achieved at least some semblance of financial stability. Financial reasons are some of the top reasons couples split up. Why make it harder for ourselves than it already is? We both have the same goals for the future, but we are at a time of transition and do not know what the future will hold. He is a very practical person and wants to be over this particular roadbump before entering into a permanent decision, and I can respect that.

I'm sorry you feel it's harsh. I feel it's reality. I planned my wedding for a LONG time and used online message boards for all of it. I cyber-met and met hundreds and hundreds of women, and heard their stories. And the idea of having to be stable before *proposing* makes no sense. Unless it's for the obvious, talked about, reasons I mentioned, but in those cases it's not "stability before letting a woman know *officially* that I love her and want to be with her for forever", but "getting enough money to buy a rock".

Finances don't break people up b/c there was no stability before a proposal. It's the couples' response to finances...too much, too little...imbalance of money-making but the people are treating each other like roommates so the money-maker gets big screen TVs and trips with friends while the other one struggles to make his/her share of the power bills...that kind of thing is what breaks people up.

And often, IMO, money arguments aren't the cause at all. Rather it's just a core problem with the couple that could have been figured out long before (either through really talking and even having counseling, or just by breaking up b/c you're not right for each other), being covered up by finances.


Although we didn't have a good experience living together before marriage (b/c neither of us wanted to do so), and although it nearly ended our relationship (and we were both making the same money at the time)...I'll give you the other side. My brother and SIL met when he was a soph and she was a jr in college. They were secretly engaged by the time he was a senior and she was graduated. They were living together...started as a "she's in town and living with her sister, I might as well be a roomie" thing for a summer, then he just never moved back to the dorms...and it caused a HUGE problems for my mom and stepdad. I had to step in and tell them to back off...they were paying for a dorm he was NEVER in, and they could either throw their money away or they could stop paying for the dorm and be happy for him. They got married at 22, in the same month that my brother was graduated from Duke and commissioned into the Air Force.

She didn't have a job and all he had were prospects of AF pay. So they started as college students with NO money, got married anyway (her mom gave her the wedding the mom had always wanted, brother and SIL were pretty much guests at their wedding, LOL), had low-pay prospects...more college for each of them (MBAs), more college for SIL (Duke Law), better and better jobs, now they are doing AMAZINGLY well.

If they felt like answering a question like "should we live together", and they wouldn't, they would say it worked out very well for them. But again, they weren't living as roommates even when they said they were, they were living as married. And they didn't let anything like money stop them from saying "I officially, even though we're not telling at least one set of parents, love you and want to stay with you, and here's a ring to prove it".


Eh, it's just anecdotes. And you're an anecdote too! That's all each of us is.


If you really truly agree with his needing "stability" before even proposing, then that's fine. If it's really all about waiting for $ for the rock, that's fine (more fine in my inconsequential opinion)


I'm sorry that it seems you got offended by the end of my post, when I'd given you quite a bit of info and thought, after spending quite a bit of time trying to seriously answer your questions. Always a bummer when that happens.

Hubby and I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the outspoken, forthright, in your face responses of some people and friends on weddingchannel's old message boards (they're cruddy now). Nothing helps you see your relationship for what it is, nothing helps you really know that you like your relationship, like other people asking you the really hard questions. It was that experience that helped us stay together, and trust me, very few of our friends (other than his best friend, who actually helped him move out the first time we lived together) thought we were good together. We KNOW what it's like to be judged by others from the outside of our relationship, but since the hard questions helped us solidify that we were happy with our relationship, that's why I do it.

But I'm sorry that it hurt your feelings.

 

[themilesfamily]

OP, I thought of another reason in the DO NOT category -- someone else jogged my mind.

When DH and I moved in together, he had never lived on his own whereas I had been on my own for over 10 years. He came from his parent's home, (where he had a loving mother and nana who did everything for him from cooking his meals to doing his laundry.) He had no clue how to cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, etc., etc. when we moved in together.

I think he would have benefited from living on his own for a few years and really growing up and getting some life experience.

 

[Aristomommy]

DH and I did not live together before marriage, because I wanted to share all aspects of our life after the marriage. We have plenty of siblings that lived together with their BF/GF and I didn't see a benefit to doing this. Some of the relationships ended because they were playing house or not really living as a team and it was easier to split up than work through it. Some lived together 2-3 years and then got married, which was not romantic in my mind. I know people who have done this succesfully, but they are usually not abstaining before marriage, which I feel will complicate things for you two.

If your BF feels that he is not financially stable enough to be married, I wonder why he is ok with moving in with you? If he is not contributing financially, that may create tension that is not healthy for your relationship. Sleeping in separate rooms may also take the romance away from your relationship. I'm not talking about sex, but the romance that a dating relationship has and turn it into roommate situation.

 

[robinb]

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

My DH and I lived together for 7 years before we were married and it did not impact our marriage at all. Then again, we also didn't view sex in the same context that you do and engaged in the premarital variety .

Given your situation, I would recommend that you live apart. I think I might feel differently if you were engaged or if you were OK with premarital sex. I just think that being simply "room mates" will put a stress on your relationship. You will have all the stress of marriage (or a long term committed relationship) with few of the benefits.

 

[bookgirl]

Personally I do think a couple should live together for two or three years just to see the realities of living in each others pockets, and mundane things like who's going to wash the dishes. That way you kind of get the feeling for marriage without the messy divorce if it doesn't work out.

However I'm not catholic, heck I'm not even a practicing Nazerene which what I was raised. I'm agnostic so I'm not going to have the moral dilema that would go along with "living" in sin.

I think if you guys really think that you can maintain your commitment to chasity, and have seperate rooms you should try. But get a short lease just in case you change your mind.

 

[daisax]

OP, you were clear that your own personal finances were based on being able to finance the house, etc. independently, but that if he found a job he would of course contribute to the household expenses.

I would urge you to be really clear on what that means, especially (unfortunately) in the case of a breakup. If he pays half the mortgage and taxes for two years, and you're not declaring rental income from him, he could claim part ownership of the house. I'm not saying he'd have much of a case, but it could cause hard feelings if he felt like he carried half the load for building equity in YOUR house and ended up with nothing to show for it.

Those are the kinds of pitfalls you could conceivably run into when stuff is "yours" but he "contributes."

I guess if I had to "vote" I'd say that particularly in your own fairly unique situation, it's probably not a wise move. It doesn't even have to do with the chastity issue -- it's a commitment issue. I can see it if you were engaged and this was a financially motivated steppingstone towards your future life together with a concrete deadline (e.g. -- my roommate moved in with her fiance 6 mos before their wedding because our lease was ending and if she wasn't going to be there for the full year, we had to let the apartment go and I had to downsize to a studio that I could afford on my own salary. So she was caught between the sentimental consideration of not really wanting to live together before marriage, and the practical consideration of either sticking me with an apartment beyond my means or moving back home with her parents for 6 mos. So she chose practicality.)

In your situation, it seems like the decision is being based on the desire to ease his financial situation, but in the absence of a concrete commitment. That's not to diminish your feelings for one another, but please consider the possibility that he could get a job and set his financial house in order and still not be ready "yet." How long do you wait until it's a problem? How open ended is the offer to provide free room and board?

It seems like the safest thing would be for him to get some kind of small cheap sublet apartment (maybe with roommates). He could still spend the bulk of his time at your house, the pressure would be off sexually, and he can do the maturing he needs to do in order to feel ready.

 

[redshoes]

I see that you have gotten alot of really good advice on both sides of the question.
My opinion is not based on the financial aspect of the equation but more the relationship end. I would think that if you are in a relationship and you decide that you want to live together, it would be hard to draw the line physically. Once you move in together, the lines begin to blur. You become more familiar with each other. Currently at the end of the night you can shut the door and the physical part of your relationship no longer continues. If you move in together, there really isn't any door to shut. That's not to say that it would have be impossible to not have a sexual relationship and live together. But you're not talking a roommate situation, you're talking about someone who you love and I would assume are attracted to. I just think it would be hard to be around someone that I was looking at as marriage material, someone that I wanted to spend my life with, to start a family with and not become more intimate with them while residing under the same roof.

 

[Pigeon]

I think that you and he are adults and should do what works best for you without worrying about what your family or miscellaneous other people think about the situation.

I don't think living together is evil and I'm an agnostic, for what it's worth.

That said, I don't think living together is any guarantee that the subsequent marriage will work out any better (or worse). I've seen plenty of couples who have lived together first get much less considerate of their partners once they've been married. I've also seen people who haven't cohabitated who had no idea what a drag it would be to actually live with the partner once they married.

 

[Laura]

OP, you were clear that your own personal finances were based on being able to finance the house, etc. independently, but that if he found a job he would of course contribute to the household expenses.

I would urge you to be really clear on what that means, especially (unfortunately) in the case of a breakup. If he pays half the mortgage and taxes for two years, and you're not declaring rental income from him, he could claim part ownership of the house. I'm not saying he'd have much of a case, but it could cause hard feelings if he felt like he carried half the load for building equity in YOUR house and ended up with nothing to show for it.

Those are the kinds of pitfalls you could conceivably run into when stuff is "yours" but he "contributes."

I guess if I had to "vote" I'd say that particularly in your own fairly unique situation, it's probably not a wise move. It doesn't even have to do with the chastity issue -- it's a commitment issue. I can see it if you were engaged and this was a financially motivated steppingstone towards your future life together with a concrete deadline (e.g. -- my roommate moved in with her fiance 6 mos before their wedding because our lease was ending and if she wasn't going to be there for the full year, we had to let the apartment go and I had to downsize to a studio that I could afford on my own salary. So she was caught between the sentimental consideration of not really wanting to live together before marriage, and the practical consideration of either sticking me with an apartment beyond my means or moving back home with her parents for 6 mos. So she chose practicality.)

In your situation, it seems like the decision is being based on the desire to ease his financial situation, but in the absence of a concrete commitment. That's not to diminish your feelings for one another, but please consider the possibility that he could get a job and set his financial house in order and still not be ready "yet." How long do you wait until it's a problem? How open ended is the offer to provide free room and board?

It seems like the safest thing would be for him to get some kind of small cheap sublet apartment (maybe with roommates). He could still spend the bulk of his time at your house, the pressure would be off sexually, and he can do the maturing he needs to do in order to feel ready.

I agree with this; especially the part I bolded.

It seems that if this guy wants to wait to propose until he's financially stable, sharing a house with his potential fiancée is an awful lot like marriage but without any of the nicer aspects of it. As daisax points out, how long would this last? At what point would he consider himself "financially stable" enough to move out of the second bedroom and into the master? The whole thing seems based on a very insubstantial promise.

I moved in with my DH (then my fiancé) a few months before our wedding, and, no, we weren't celibate in the meantime. As another poster pointed out, it was nice not having to deal with moving and getting married all the same time. But we were getting married, I had the dress, I had the ring, the honeymoon was booked, everything was all set. He was actually out of a job when he first brought up marriage, and wasn't going to propose until he had a job (and a ring, BTW), but in no way was he suggesting we move in together as "roomies" so he could get himself in a position to buy the ring. I have to say it would be weird.

 

[ead79]

I haven't read all the responses, but I've skimmed them and it looks like you've gotten some really good advice.

I wanted to chime in with my two cents as someone who is also a Christian and abstained from sex before marriage. Personally, I think it's "playing with fire," so to speak, for you to move in together. As a previous poster mentioned, it blurs the lines in your relationship and could prove tempting. I realize that it's a strong commitment in your part, but it's something that can happen all too easily, especially in a situation where the boundary is blurred. Also, I understand where you're coming from in being concerned about what others think. I think it's safe to say that people in general will assume that you're sleeping together if you're living together. So to me, that sort of goes to the whole "avoiding the appearance" of doing something you're not supposed to issue.

From a purely romantic standpoint, for me there was something really special about getting to live with DH after marriage. I personally wouldn't have wanted that specialness diminished by having lived together first (not that it is diminished for everyone--it just would have been for me).

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If you are just moving in together to ease your finances then you are simply roommates imo. DH and I lived together before marriage. I would do it again in a heartbeat. We moved in together because we could not stand to be apart. We got engaged less than a year after that and married shortly thereafter. We did not move in together to save money. Is it easier to have a roommate? Sure, but I could afford my own place (and did) and so could DH. I didn't want a roommate and neither did he. I also do not have the same premarital stance that you do and I am Catholic. If I did believe in no premarital nookie then there is no way that I would have moved in with my DH. I would feel that if I wanted to save that for getting married then moving in together would be a contradiction.

Something to also consider no matter how practical you say he is. When he gets the job is it going to turn into "when I save more" or "when I get tenure" etc.? Please really look at what he is truly saying. I don't know you or him personally so I am only basing this on your posts but IMO I would not move in with the boy. If you need a roommate get a girlfriend. If he wants to get out of his parent's house then he can get his own place with his own roommate. Moving in based on your situation is IMO a bad idea.
Good luck.