Cohabitating?

[claudia]

IMHO I feel if you both are willing to enter into a cohabitation for financial reasons then his argument of being financially stable to enter into a marriage is null and void.
I would say it is time to have another talk.....

 

[Darcy03231]

I don't think you should do it and it has nothing to do with religion. I think everyone needs to learn to live on their own and support themselves. Its part of growing up. He should get a job and live on his own, paying 100% of his own bills all by himself for a while. He needs some time to do it for himself. He shouldn't move from his parent's home to yours. When you do move in together it should be as partners and become "your" home, not my home vs. yours. One of your previous posts indicates the house you're moving to will be "mine". It doesn't sound to me like you're ready for the "us" yet either. I also don't think a romantic relationship will survive living in a business arrangement.

 

[jrmasm]

If you are both comfortable with the idea then I find it a little silly that at 24, either of you cares what anyone else thinks.

 

[DisHokie]

well, no throwing stones, but we did... We had been in a committed relationship for 4 years at that point and had both graduated from college... I was working on a masters degree and financially it made sense for both of us.. I am a practicing Catholic and he is Christian... our parents understood the financial strain on having two places (we both lived 3+ hours away from them, so couldnt live with them) and thought we were making the right choice... We lived together for two years, then got married.. we have been married for another 2.5 now and everything has been great.. we did NOT buy something together til we were married, just rented.. I honestly can't see doing it any other way.. We were 23 and 25 when we moved in together.. We knew we would be getting married, but wanted to wait til I was out of school..

 

[luvmy3]

Dh and I moved in together before we were married, or even engaged. I find it rather amusing all the talk about givingin to temptation, it is quite possible for two people to control themselves. OP, you seem to be very committed to your faith and I respect that, and I also think that someone so committed could still stil be when they cohabitate. Yes, the tempation may be there but the question you have to ask yourself is not should we move in together? but will I be strong enough to resist? If you can honestly say yes then go for it, but if you have doubts then you should wait. Don't listen to anyone else, only you know the answer to that.

ETA I realize my post makes it sound like dh and I never gave in while living togethr, thats not the case. We gave in long before that

 

[LoraJ]

I don't think you should do it and it has nothing to do with religion. I think everyone needs to learn to live on their own and support themselves. Its part of growing up. He should get a job and live on his own, paying 100% of his own bills all by himself for a while. He needs some time to do it for himself. He shouldn't move from his parent's home to yours. When you do move in together it should be as partners and become "your" home, not my home vs. yours. One of your previous posts indicates the house you're moving to will be "mine". It doesn't sound to me like you're ready for the "us" yet either. I also don't think a romantic relationship will survive living in a business arrangement.

I totally agree with this!!!

I had a boyfriend ask me to move in with him the day he was let go from his job. I was not comfortable with that at all. I declined and he always resented me for it. I definitely made the right choice. DH moved in with me a year and a half before we got married. This was because it was the next step in our relationship. We moved in together because we loved each other. Not because it would save us money.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I lived with my DH for 4 years before we got married. We were both raised Catholic and it bothered me for about a nano-second. I realized that the priest wasn't in our bedroom, it's our life and we needed to be comfortable with the decision not a third party.

We've been married for 11 years and we never had a transition problem. Of course we were never "roommates". We acted like a married couple from the moment he moved in. We had a joint bank account, household chores (I do laundry, he does all cooking and groceries), etc.

Personally, at 24 if you are soorried about what others think then I don't believe you are ready to move in together. Keep your own apartment and let him live with his parents.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I totally agree with this!!!

I had a boyfriend ask me to move in with him the day he was let go from his job. I was not comfortable with that at all. I declined and he always resented me for it. I definitely made the right choice. DH moved in with me a year and a half before we got married. This was because it was the next step in our relationship. We moved in together because we loved each other. Not because it would save us money.

Excellent post LoraJ!!

 

[DisneyWalker44]

It only makes sense that both of us enter married life only after we have achieved at least some semblance of financial stability. Financial reasons are some of the top reasons couples split up. Why make it harder for ourselves than it already is? We both have the same goals for the future, but we are at a time of transition and do not know what the future will hold. He is a very practical person and wants to be over this particular roadbump before entering into a permanent decision, and I can respect that.

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make a bit of sense in your case. If he wanted to go out on his own and be financially independent first, he might have a point. But if you guys are financially stable enough to live together, you are financially stable to get married.

He isn't being practical. He is being a wus. He's telling you that he won't marry you, but wants you to pick up a chunk of his expenses to he can move out of Mom's basement. Ridiculous!

Somebody (NOT YOU) needs to smack him on the back of the head and tell him to grow up a little. You want to get married. He wants all the benefits of marriage (well, except one). The solution isn't becoming chaste roommates. It's getting married.

 

[SDFgirl]

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

I moved into my husband's house 3 weeks after we got engaged. My move was also for practical reasons - I was in a Master's Program for teachers and I about to begin student teaching for 16 weeks...and I'd be earning no money to pay my rent. So we had to cohabitate.

I don't regret it at all and would definitely do it again...but only if we HAD to. I don't think that cohabitating affected our marriage one way or the other. Living together was not our first choice - we both thought it would be romantic to start our lives together after the wedding. However, since we did live together, it gave us some time to the iron out the difficulties of living with a new person before our wedding. (You know - who cleans the litter box, how money is spent, grocery shopping, etc.). We spent a lot of time planning our wedding, and were married 5 months later.

If you are more on the traditional side, like I am, I would suggest not living together before the wedding...or at least wait until you get engaged. I'm not saying that for moral/religious reasons, but simply because cohabitating becomes routine and very, very comfortable after awhile, and it is exciting to still have that "newness" after your wedding as you begin your lives together.

 

[beckmrk04]

We did and I would NEVER, NEVER do it again. I think it negatively impacted our marriage.

The big problem is that we got in this "roommate-like" routine -- you pay 50% of the rent, I pay 50%, your groceries go in this cupboard, mine go in this cupboard, these are your towels, these are my towels. When we got married and things changed, we had children, etc., my husband continued with this expectation that everything should be yours vs. mine. It was hell trying to get him to realize that we were now MARRIED, we were not ROOMMATES anymore, everything belonged to one family, not this-is-mine, this-is-yours. We had to go into counseling over it. When I was 9-months pregnant and he was flipping out because I didn't have my 50% of the electric bill for the month -- hello counseling!! And my husband is not a jerky person -- he just never made the transition to us as a "married unit."

And that's just one area that we dealt with that comes to mind. There are others. Just be aware that the patterns you establish as a cohabitating couple WILL follow you into a marriage. You guys may do better than we did!!!

See- we cohabitated before we were married (for about 3 1/2 years), but we basically lived as though we were married; we were a team. We had "our" stuff, "our" money, etc.

SO, when we got married, it pretty much carried on as life-as-usual. Plus, we both knew what to expect.

I would definitely do it over. Plus, I feel like it gave us a longer chance to really get to know each other before we got married and had our child. We got to spend a lot of quality time together, learning about each other. But then again, we weren't exactly trying to "resist temptation" at that point. I think we both resist it more now that we have adult jobs, a mortgage, and a child.

OP- listen to your heart on it. I think that in your particular situation (rooming together because it would be easier financially, not because you want to live together in an intimate relationship) it would end up being a bad thing. I'm certainly not trying to judge your position on your relationship, religion, or thoughts about sexuality, but I think the two of you would be in grave danger of becoming roommates, and not a couple, and it's a huge difference.

 

[1stluvispooh]

Speaking as an old married Catholic woman I feel that the fact that you even asked the question is telling. If it were right for you you wouldn't have to ask the question you guys would just move in together. My other suggestion would be. What does your gut tell you? It's always right.

Sorry if someone else said this I didn't read all the posts

 

[luvmy3]

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make a bit of sense in your case. If he wanted to go out on his own and be financially independent first, he might have a point. But if you guys are financially stable enough to live together, you are financially stable to get married.

He isn't being practical. He is being a wus. He's telling you that he won't marry you, but wants you to pick up a chunk of his expenses to he can move out of Mom's basement. Ridiculous!

Somebody (NOT YOU) needs to smack him on the back of the head and tell him to grow up a little. You want to get married. He wants all the benefits of marriage (well, except one). The solution isn't becoming chaste roommates. It's getting married.

OP I would advise against smacking him or turning this into a push to get married. If he truly isn't ready for whatever reason, why would you want to make him feel like he has to? That could very well ruin your marriage or any plans of it.

I think what he is doing is smart. He may be perfectly capable of supporting himself now but maybe he is worried about the near future and what ifs. If you rent and don't get married, if something should happen to his job, you both have individual options. He could go back home and you could as well, or you could continue to support yourself on your own. If you are married and something should happen to him, you will be responsible for supporting him, it sounds like he just wants to avoid that. Could be that he just wants to wait until he's sure that could never happen.

 

[wvjules]

"Cohabitate" sounds so clinical.

I skipped after the first few posts. However, I think he needs to find a roommate other than you.

I think living together like roommates will be detrimental to the relationship as opposed to living together as a couple.

 

[DisneyWalker44]

OP I would advise against smacking him or turning this into a push to get married.

First, let me repeat, it's not the OP that needs to tell him to grow up. That's the role of a father, brother, etc.

Second, I'm not saying he needs to get married. If he's truly not ready, he's not ready. But if he's not ready to get married, moving in together isn't the option. If he's worried about finances, stay home. It just sounds to me like he wants (most of) the benefits of being married, he just doesn't want the commitment.

And to be perfectly clear, I've got no problem with moving in together per se. For lots of couples it makes sense.

If you are married and something should happen to him, you will be responsible for supporting him, it sounds like he just wants to avoid that. Could be that he just wants to wait until he's sure that could never happen.

He can never be sure that won't happen. He also can't be sure she won't lose her job and he has to take care of her. There are risks in marriage. The whole point is you pledge to stick together no matter what. If they aren't ready to make that commitment, fine. But they need to admit that's the reason; it isn't about finances.

 

[Disney Doll]

No I'm not. I'm honestly trying to look at all sides. My parents have no issue with it whatsoever, we're pretty sure his parents will be chill but would never do it if they are not. I'm just really fence sitting on this and wanted other perspectives as I feel the posters on the Catholic site are being slightly over the top.

Believe me, I would jump for joy if he would propose right now. We have talked about it and he feels it would be irresponsible to propose until he has a stable job (which he has had a hard time finding as he is a social studies teacher.) I can fully respect that. I still wish he would propose, but I do understand his reasoning and can't fault him for being practical. If his issue is paying for a wedding, well, you can seriously "tone down" a wedding celebration to be able to be financially feasible.[/B]
He does not want to stay in his parents house (he wants to be on his own) and has stated that it would be much easier financially if he had a roommate but that I am the only one he would ever want to room with. I can honestly see both sides of the issue and wonder what others think.

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

But why would it be more practical to live together? From a financial standpoint, the same thing would happen, married or not. You would still be 2 people living in your home with you bearing the responsibility of said home because it is in your name. Married or not, you'll have the same bills and one of you...namely you...is going to be paying them if the other is unable to for financial reasons. The only possible "financial" argument for living together is if you would be OK with supporting him in the event that he doesn't find a job right away, because, in essence, that is what you will be doing. My opinion, and my opinion only, is that I would not be setting myself up to support a guy who doesn't want to marry me yet but wants to try and take some advantage of MY good planning and foresight. If he marries you, you have some legal protection in the event that things don't go your way. If he lives with you, you don't have those protections. You sound pretty together...you're fairly young, own a house and so forth. Kind of an atypical 24 year old in that respect.

My other advice would be that there may never be a "perfect" time to get married. DH & I married in 1991. He was a realtor, I was a nurse. At that time, real estate was in a downturn...not quite as bad as today, but pretty darn close! DH didn't make a ton of money...actually, the first year we were married he made about $7000! We still got married. DH knew I wouldn't live with him, so we got married. We there "tight" times? Sure, but we were in it together and I was in it with a man who I knew wanted to be committed to me. He loved me, he wanted to be with me, he was willing to take the leap. We'll be married 18 years this year, all of them happy, even with the heartaches of life like loss of his parents, infertility and some health issues which we have dealt with. And yes, people can, and do get divorced, but then marriage protects you from a legal standpoint as well, moreso that a living together arrangement does.

If his financial issue is paying for a wedding, well, you can seriously "tone down" a wedding celebration to be able to be financially feasible.

So I think you need to really soul search with regard to what is the real issue. I think the real issue is that he's not ready to make a full commitment to marriage. There's not a thing wrong with that, but I think you both need to get it out there on the table as the real issue and stop trying to convince yourselves and everyone around you that it is for financial reasons. This living together arrangement is financially beneficial to him, perhaps, but your side of the equation doesn't change...whether you're married or living together, YOU own the house, YOU pay the bills, YOU bear the responsibility. His side of the equation changes dramatically...HE gets to move into a house that HE has no real responsibility for to live with a woman that HE isn't ready to marry, from whom he can walka way without any real repercussions should he decide that this is no longer working "financially" for him. Looking at it from that perspective...he gets all the benefits and none of the responsibilities of being married.

As far as intimacy...you don't need to live together to be intimate. I do think living together puts it a bit more to the forefront because you're always "right there", so it would make it more difficult to abstain.

My guess is he doesn't feel "ready" to make a commitment to marriage, but feels that living together will give him the ability to "try things out"...not from an intimate standpoint necessarily, but from a "can we live with each other on a day to day basis" standpoint.

My opinion: I don't think living together would add anything to your relationship & would probably ultimately end it because he's not ready.

 

[onelilspark]

For the record: my cousin lived with his fiance for at least a year before they got married. She was a virgin on their wedding night. It's possible if you're committed to it.

My boyfriend is moving in, in August. I'm Lutheran. I don't give a hoot what my church has to say about it. Every life has it's challenges, every person sins. If this is the worst thing I do in my life, then I'm holding pretty strong. I was concerned about what my parents would say, but they encouraged it. Anyone else who isn't supportive? Couldn't care less.

You need to adopt that attitude if it's going to work. And I'm also 24.

 

[Darsa]

I had a boyfriend ask me to move in with him the day he was let go from his job. I was not comfortable with that at all. I declined and he always resented me for it. I definitely made the right choice. DH moved in with me a year and a half before we got married. This was because it was the next step in our relationship. We moved in together because we loved each other. Not because it would save us money.

This pretty much sums up my opinion.

I lived with my DH for a little over a year before we got married; it was both easier financially AND it gave me an idea as to whether or not I *could* live with this person, and vice versa. We've been happily married for 14 years now (wow, even saying it shocks me!) and still live together

 

[Skywalker]

Sounds to me like you should not do it. Why? Because it is all to benefit him and not you.

You want to get married and he doesn't. You obviously have moral question about moving in, but that is what he wants. Why? Because HE needs financial stability (which you already have since you bought your own house - and where did you buy it? In his area to be close him HIM!)

I don't think you need to take you parents into account much (just like if it was the opposite and you wanted to live with someone that they disapproved of...it is obvious you chose a religion that is different from theirs and so their opinions might be irrelevent or not meaningful to you.)

Finally, I am thinking that if you do this, despite your best intentions to remain celibate until marriage, something tells me that he will soon be trying to persuade you differently on that too, lol.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make a bit of sense in your case. If he wanted to go out on his own and be financially independent first, he might have a point. But if you guys are financially stable enough to live together, you are financially stable to get married.

He isn't being practical. He is being a wus. He's telling you that he won't marry you, but wants you to pick up a chunk of his expenses to he can move out of Mom's basement. Ridiculous!

Somebody (NOT YOU) needs to smack him on the back of the head and tell him to grow up a little. You want to get married. He wants all the benefits of marriage (well, except one). The solution isn't becoming chaste roommates. It's getting married.

I must have misunderstood the bolded, then.

First, let me repeat, it's not the OP that needs to tell him to grow up. That's the role of a father, brother, etc.

Second, I'm not saying he needs to get married. If he's truly not ready, he's not ready. But if he's not ready to get married, moving in together isn't the option. If he's worried about finances, stay home. It just sounds to me like he wants (most of) the benefits of being married, he just doesn't want the commitment.

And to be perfectly clear, I've got no problem with moving in together per se. For lots of couples it makes sense.

He can never be sure that won't happen. He also can't be sure she won't lose her job and he has to take care of her. There are risks in marriage. The whole point is you pledge to stick together no matter what. If they aren't ready to make that commitment, fine. But they need to admit that's the reason; it isn't about finances.

True something could always happen but they are young and just starting out, he probably feels that right now there is a greater chance of something happening to them. I'm not sure what line of work he is in but maybe its something that right now has been effected by the economy and he wants to wait until things get better. Either way I think its a smart thing to do. Like the OP said, financial problems can ruin marriages, it could be a very valid reason for them to wait.