Cohabitating?

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I think those 2 statements say it all. He's willing to let you basically support him(if his job is so unstable obviously he sees you as someone that would let him avoid the rent if he had to) yet not willing to commit to marriage. At least right now.

Me personally I wouldn't do it. Let him live at home and save up some money so he can be more "financially Stable".
(which to me is a load of you know what)


Now I did live with my fiance after we got engaged. My roommate had just gotten married and I had no place to live- we were getting married in 3 months so it made sense. We were sexually active though. (and we're both Catholic)

Based on the information I have from your posts only- I would say don't do it.

Okay, I haven't read all the replies but am seeing a common theme.

I have given you all the wrong impression about A. He is not expecting me to support him this was my idea, 100% and would only happen if he got a job (in which case he would propose once he saved up enough money for a ring). We have been discussing pros and cons and niether of us is sure it is a good idea. We think it is a good idea financially but are not sure about the rest of it. Until I brought up the idea he was already committed to finding his own place once he knew where he will be living next year.

I don't want people to go around thinking that he is using me to support him while he doesn't work (not true), that he is using me to move out of mommy's basement (not true), or anything else like that. That is not the dynamic at all. Like I said, this was my idea, one that my parents support, but because of our faiths we weren't sure about it, and also the impact it could have on our marriage as we have read that couples that cohabitate are more likely to experience problems/get divorced. That's why I wanted opinions from those who have been there, to know if they felt it was the right decision or if they would do it again. In the end we will make our own decision based on our beliefs and what works best for us, but we like to be informed and look at all sides of the issue before rushing into a decision one way or the other.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I haven't read any of the other posts, but my advise is -

Life is short, do whatever you want. You could die tomrrow - do you want to do it with regrets?

 

[esbrick]

I haven't read any of the other posts, but my advise is -

Life is short, do whatever you want. You could die tomrrow - do you want to do it with regrets?

Amen Sister!

While I so agree with PP I do have to say that I think you should go with your gut. It is good to see all sides and I think you have gotten a great spectrum of answers on this one. I wish you the best of luck with your decision and it will be a great one because it is yours. . .

 

[wvjules]

So you are going to be engaged but living as roommates? Your stuff is yours; his stuff is his; the house is yours and he is paying you rent; etc. This is a recipe for disaster.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Reading the other responses, I feel like I should clarify some things:

1.) I don't think either of us needs to "grow up" as has been suggested. We have already had serious talks about our future together and what it will hold. We will get married one day, but he is not one that likes to rush into things and feels that a year and a half of a mostly long distance relationship migth be too soon, especially since we od not know if he will end up in the area right away. Although I do wish he would propose, I know that it will happen when the time is right.

2.) As I stated in my previous post, he is not the one asking for this, I am. Until I brought it up, it never crossed his mind. He is not using me or expecting me to support him in any way shape or form. I think people read too much into some of my posts if that is what they think.

3.) We have talked, and we know that anything could happen in this economy, but he feels that it would be prudent to have a job before proposing. It's not about affording the wedding as one person suggested. It's about giving ourselves the best start in life. One of the other reasons is right now he is having a hard time finding a job in the area and may have to move away for a little bit, so it seems premature to propose and then risk him moving across the state or out of the state until he can find a job in this area.

4.) I am not trying to control him. Somebody asked about how the financial arrangements would be set up and I explained. I don't see how that is controlling any more than one roommate controls the other.

Looking at what people have said about the change in relationship from a romantic one to one as roommates it sounds like it's maybe not the best idea. I had not considered that aspect of it before. We were already on the fence and were not sure how well his parents were react (we think they would be okay, but who knows) so at this point we're going to go with our original plan which would be separate residences until marriage. I just hope that my posts did not give the impression that A is some immature deadbeat who is looking to have all the benefits of marriage without being married as that is not the case at all. Thanks for your help!

 

[themilesfamily]

I just hope that my posts did not give the impression that A is some immature deadbeat who is looking to have all the benefits of marriage without being married as that is not the case at all. Thanks for your help!

I didn't think that -- I don' think it came across that way! And you've been nothing but lovely on the DISboards so I think you're great, too!

Perhaps in a year or so we'll be seeing a wedding announcement from you on the boards. I really do wish you both the very best.

 

[disykat]

From a purely romantic standpoint, for me there was something really special about getting to live with DH after marriage. I personally wouldn't have wanted that specialness diminished by having lived together first (not that it is diminished for everyone--it just would have been for me).

This is what I was going to say! I LOVED being a newlywed and the whole honeymoon thing. I loved the intensity and newness of everything. I could not have had that experience if some of it was already in place.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

We are currently in a long distance relationship, although I visit that area a lot, and when I do I stay at his house with the blessing of his parents.

I am moving to the area in June. I have a house and all financial considerations are based on my living alone (I am not counting on having help with any of hte bills). We are considering this because once he gets a job he will move out of his parents house. There aren't a lot of good rentals, and he will not be buying a house since I already have one and the tax credit requires you to spend 3 years in your house. My parents think it's a great idea, we haven't addressed it with his yet as this would be contingent upon his getting a teaching job in the area.

From all of your posts that I have read you come across as a very mature young woman (coming from an almost 36 year old ). Do what you feel is right in your heart and don't worry about what other people think or "assume". We don't have to answer to other people, we only have to answer to God and those who judge you shall also be judged.

Dh moved in with me about 6 months before we married, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We have had our ups and downs, but it wasn't related to living together, and here we are almost 7.5 married years later and our marriage is stronger than ever.

If your parents have no problem with it, then don't worry about it, go ahead and do what makes the most financial sense. I do believe a couple in a committed relationship as you seem to have will be just fine.

Suzanne

 

[PlainJane]

He's not financially stable enough to get married, yet he could pay 50/50 in a situation that you two are living together?

That leaves me with this question, what happens when he loses his, as you have described, volatile job? Would he have to move out because he could no longer pay 50/50? Would it leave you in the position of soul provider?

You've already stated that you two might have to split up because of financial reasons or geography. Why make it even harder on yourself by entering such an intimate situation such as living together (I'm not even talking about sex)?

 

[photobob]

We have talked about it and he feels it would be irresponsible to propose until he has a stable job (which he has had a hard time finding as he is a social studies teacher.) I can fully respect that. I still wish he would propose, but I do understand his reasoning and can't fault him for being practical.?

How would be married or not married affect the financial situation you are currently in? You are thinking about living under one roof, whether you are married or not it doesn't change things financially.
Some of the best moments of my marriage were when we were young and had virtually no money, depending solely on another and worked hard to makes ends meet. When we got married I still had three years of college to complete. Before we got married we considered cohabitating, but in the end we decided instead of getting our parents upset with us, we'd just let every shower us with gifts instead!

 

[Disney Doll]

I think that you and he are adults and should do what works best for you without worrying about what your family or miscellaneous other people think about the situation.

I don't think living together is evil and I'm an agnostic, for what it's worth.

That said, I don't think living together is any guarantee that the subsequent marriage will work out any better (or worse). I've seen plenty of couples who have lived together first get much less considerate of their partners once they've been married. I've also seen people who haven't cohabitated who had no idea what a drag it would be to actually live with the partner once they married.

I don't believe there has been one person on this thread who has said living together is evil. Most people seem to be of the mindset that under the right circumstances, it's fine. And, other than the OP, I don't believe there has been one poster who has said that they shouldn't live together and touted the Bible as a reason for not doing so.

Many posters seem to be of the same mind...that the OP shouldn't live with her BF because he doesn't sound ready.

I'm Catholic, and have no problem with folks living together if that's what works for both of them, if both of them are on the same page in terms of what they are looking to get from the relationship. Heck, my brother lived with his wife for like 18 years before they got married...never fazed me in the least. In this case, it sounds like living together will work great for the BF, not so much for the OP.

 

[Rebelmom67]

The saying "He just isn't that into you" comes to my mind.

For what it is worth, I believe that mature adults should be able to decide in which direction their lives are going to take, without help from strangers on the internet. I don't mean that to be harsh, far from it. I just think you and your boyfried have a whole lot of living to do before even thinking about living together or marriage.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

I think eveyone thinking about marriage should move in together prior. It probably would save alot of people from getting married if it wasn't meant to be rather than divorcing afterwards.

I should add... I'm catholic, DH is protestant. We got married in a catholic church which meant we had to do the whole pre cana thing. In the whole room full of people even the PRIEST said something about that he knew we were probably all living with our significant others. All but I think 2 couples didn't raise their hand when asked who lives together. We weren't criticized for it either.

 

[roygrady]

Be careful!

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

He's not financially stable enough to get married, yet he could pay 50/50 in a situation that you two are living together?

That leaves me with this question, what happens when he loses his, as you have described, volatile job? Would he have to move out because he could no longer pay 50/50? Would it leave you in the position of soul provider?

You've already stated that you two might have to split up because of financial reasons or geography. Why make it even harder on yourself by entering such an intimate situation such as living together (I'm not even talking about sex)?

Again, people are reading things that are not there. He does not have a "volatile" job at the moment. Yes, he does have a job as a supervisor of a theme park, but like me he just received his master's degree in teaching and is trying to find a teaching job in the area. This would only have happened if he got a teaching job in the area. We would not split up if he got a job out of the area, I never said that or meant to imply it. We would certainly have to delay marriage until we could both be in the same geographic area, but we would not split up because of it.

And as I said, weighing all the options, including the fact that I am looking into teaching religious ed, we're saying no at this point. We just wanted different perspectives because there are things that we knew we hadn't thought of. Actually, when I told my parents at this point I'm saying no, they are encouaging me to rethink the decision because to them it makes a lot of sense. Sometimes it seems like my relationship with them is kind of backwards.

I also dislike the posts that indicate that there is something the matter with our relationship (like "He is just not that into you"). You do not know anything about us beyond what I have posted on this board and a lot of it is getting taken the wrong way. Please do not make judgment calls about our relationship when you have never even met us and do not have all the facts.

The question has been asked and answered (thank you) and it's time to let this discussion die.

 

[ilovejack02]

This is what I was going to say! I LOVED being a newlywed and the whole honeymoon thing. I loved the intensity and newness of everything. I could not have had that experience if some of it was already in place.

YES .. I agree with that too.

 

[ReneeA]

DH and I lived together for a year before we got married (we were engaged and living together helped to save money to pay for the wedding).

This summer will mark our 12th anniversary. It's such a personal decision that only individuals can make that decision for themselves. For us, it really was the right decision.

 

[Laurabearz]

I have not read this whole thread yet...

Personally, I believe that living in sin before marriage as a much better option than marrying the wrong person.

You don't wait until you get home to try on a pair of expensive, nonreturnable shoes do you?

So my vote is...

Move in together

Get busy

Go to Church

Enjoy life.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I respect your position, but that is absolutely not an option and it is not a position I agree with. There are many kinds of compatibility both physical and psychological. Sex is only one issue of the equation. People are not cars or shoes and I personally do not believe that the "test drive" or "try it on" argument is a valid one.

 

[Laurabearz]

SO then ask yourself what is valid for you?

You want to live together and not do it... Great fine, have at it. The moral left (or is it right? I always forget) but that other board you go to told you No way no how no way.

You didnt like that answer either...

What answer would you like?

What opinion should we offer up?