Cohabitating?

[Eeyores Butterfly]

SO then ask yourself what is valid for you?

You want to live together and not do it... Great fine, have at it. The moral left (or is it right? I always forget) but that other board you go to told you No way no how no way.

You didnt like that answer either...

What answer would you like?

What opinion should we offer up?

I'm not telling you waht opinion to offer up. I did not mean that I didn't like their answer, just that it focused only on the one aspect of the issue. I was hoping for a greater diversity of responses because I felt that there were many things we were not thinking of. I was also wanting to hear from people who had been there, the "voice of experience so to speak". As I stated earlier, after reading the diversity opinions on both places we have come to a decision that seems right for us. People on both boards gave us things to think about that had never crossed our minds (like the change in relationship from a romantic one to more of a roommate situation). That is exactly what we wanted.

 

[nanienamou]

Here's what I think.

If you move together before getting married, it has to be seen as a commitment if not a religious one. If you play roommate, it is sure to go bad.

I have lived with DH since I was 20 years old. I am now 28 and we got married... this past August, in a civil ceremony. Oh yeah, we have also three sons, all born between 2004 and 2008, out of wedlock, but I don't really care, because I come from a Catholic background, but seriously, here in Quebec, we don't have these strict 'rules'. It is not frowned upon to live together before marriage or to have kids before marriage. The priest is not in your bedroom and he does not belong there.

When we moved in together, there was no roommate crap, we shared everything and had a joint bank account. I was the one working for a period of time, so yes, I supported him. Then, I was sick, so he supported me. THere was no question about it, it all came naturally.

What I'm trying to say, is that you shouldn't overanalyze things like there is no tommorrow. Frankly, I agree with your parents. You are 24. It's not like if you were 18. You want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then go ahead. Why spend money for 2 seperate living arrangements for who knows how many years? To me, it's like wasting money, and ironically, it is going to take longer for your bf to be financially stable because of that. That money could be invested in your future or for a trip or whatnot.

Don't delay your life together because of money. It's not worth it. Money comes, money goes, but true love stays.

For what it is worth, it is really easy living with a boyfriend when no kids are involved. When the kids arrived, then the commitment really kicks in!

Good luck.

 

[bunny]

The priest is not in your bedroom and he does not belong there.

God is there, though. If you feel it is against your religious beliefs, listen to that little voice. Even if you are not sleeping together, it will appear that way to the whole world. Will you cause someone else to stumble?

If you are committed enough to live together, you are committed enough to get married. If your boyfriend isn't ready, he isn't ready to live together all the time either.

 

[MaumeeMom]

I respect your position, but that is absolutely not an option and it is not a position I agree with. There are many kinds of compatibility both physical and psychological. Sex is only one issue of the equation. People are not cars or shoes and I personally do not believe that the "test drive" or "try it on" argument is a valid one.

No but you can trade in your car or get a new pair of shoes pretty easily. A husband should be a life long partner. The physical component of marriage or a relationship is just as important as the psychological one and should not be ignored. Sometimes romance and illusion can cloud one's decisions.

Statistics can be manipulated to make them say whatever one wants them to say. Don't let a study showing that couples who live together break up be a deciding factor in whether you live together or not. Don't let what parents or anyone else might think factor into that decision. And for crying out loud, don't let what strangers on a message board have to say be a deciding factor.

You must make the decision yourself based on what your heart and your gut tell you to do. It is your life and you are the one that will have to live with your choices. It sounds like you have made up your mind and no matter what opinions we on the boards have expressed, I think that we all only wish you the best.

 

[SydneyFalco]

Living together wont give you all the information you need--at least it didn't for us--but, Zeus almighty, when it comes to the plum unnatural act of tying yourself to another human being for fifty years, I say take whatever leg up you can.

In our case, our pre-nuptial living together barely resembles what's going on now (chore-sharing is different, money management is different (better), sex is different (worse), you name it) but that time together et us go through a few things together and find out our "head space" is the same. Or at least compatible. Mind you, if you've some sort of artificial social construct that matters more than anything is both your lives--an over-riding lifestyle, a religion, interrelated careers, a joint crusade against people eating plums that consumes much of your days and nights, whatever--then I could maybe see a marriage working out from a blind start.

 

[Scurvy]

Mind you, if you've some sort of artificial social construct that matters more than anything is both your lives--an over-riding lifestyle, a religion, interrelated careers, a joint crusade against people eating plums that consumes much of your days and nights, whatever--then I could maybe see a marriage working out from a blind start.

Or. . . if you share similar beliefs and values - whatever they may be - you probably have a better chance of making a life together work, even if you don't live together first. Some people who live together before marriage end up divorced and some stay married the rest of their lives. Some people who live apart until marriage get divorced and some stay married for the rest of their lives. There is no answer that will be right for everyone.

I've seen so many people say that what other people might think shouldn't matter. Realistically, to many people it does matter and there isn't anything wrong with that. Whether it is because of religious beliefs or other factors, there are lots of people who think that you shouldn't cohabitate before marriage. Though of course it matters most what you and your partner think, if it would crush your elderly grandmother or parents for you to live with someone before marriage then there is nothing wrong with factoring that in to your decision. And for some people, being seen to live in a way that reflects their beliefs is also important. For someone who doesn't believe in premarital "relations", giving the appearance of going against that belief might be something they would want to avoid. Again, nothing wrong with that. The most important thing is for those directly involved be comfortable with whatever their decion might be.

My husband and I did not live together before we got married and we've been happy for the last 14 years. I don't think our "blind start" hurt us any - but of course we dated long enough to be sure we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we didn't just meet and get married the next day. I wouldn't really consider that a "blind start", even if we didn't live together. He knew I was a little messy, I knew he could get a little grumpy when he was tired, and we worked out the rest once we were married. I don't think it would have worked any better for us if we had lived together.

 

[tr-ray]

Can I ask how often you see each other already?
You talk about it being a long distance relationship....

If you only see each other once a week, or on weekends, the relationship might be a tad bit different once things take on a 24-7 or even a few more days a week.

I find that seeing someone every day compared to seeing them once a week makes a world of difference.