Cohabitating?

[Eeyores Butterfly]

What are your current living arrangements and are you satisfied with them?? Are you giving this extra consideration based on the fact that he is now ready to move out of his parent's house??

We are currently in a long distance relationship, although I visit that area a lot, and when I do I stay at his house with the blessing of his parents.

I am moving to the area in June. I have a house and all financial considerations are based on my living alone (I am not counting on having help with any of hte bills). We are considering this because once he gets a job he will move out of his parents house. There aren't a lot of good rentals, and he will not be buying a house since I already have one and the tax credit requires you to spend 3 years in your house. My parents think it's a great idea, we haven't addressed it with his yet as this would be contingent upon his getting a teaching job in the area.

 

[bluesaturn]

OK, for starters other sexual acts you are doing are considered "sex".

In addition people are going to assume you are having sex.

Anyway if you live together you will be having sex. To think otherwise is well, naive.

We actually don't know if the OP is doing any sexual acts at all. We cannot assume they are.

 

[SeansMom]

"I'm in a sort of ethical dilemma and would love to hear different sides of this. If my boyfriend gets a job in the same area I do we are sort of kicking around the idea of sharing a house. It would put us both in a much more comfortable financial state, and we have already had very serious and frank discussions about the future and what it will hold for us."

Since you and I have no relationship and you are asking advice with finances being a big piece of it, I'll just tell you my experience. I moved in with a man for financial reasons in 1986. He had debt, I didn't, but together we got him out of debt, me through nursing school, and financially we were both better off (although money was still very tight). When I refer to financial reasons I'm talking about being so poor that my mainstay food was mac & cheese (when it was on sale for 7 for a $1.00). So my first question for you would be: How much do you really need a roommate? Are your financial needs really bad or would it just be a nice thing to have more spending money? For us, we both needed it to avoid further debt and meet basic needs of shelter, food, and clothing.

As far as living together being a bad thing for marriage, I don't think it makes or breaks a marriage. We were married a couple years after moving in together and we've been married for 21 years this September. Most of it happily . However, and this is an important point, I told him before we moved in that if he didn't intend on marriage I wasn't interested in merging households. I don't think anybody has pointed this out but if the relationship falls apart and you go through a break up under one roof, there are no lawyers and no paperwork to guide you through who gets what, etc. Which may seem like an impossiblity to you right now that you'd ever break up, but it happens, and it could happen to you. So that's another point to consider. I had an engagement ring on my finger and we had a tentative date before my shoes were under the bed .

I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you. Keep the lines of communication open and make sure you're doing what's best for you no matter what other people say. Good luck!

 

[SwedishMeatball]

We are currently in a long distance relationship, although I visit that area a lot, and when I do I stay at his house with the blessing of his parents.

I am moving to the area in June. I have a house and all financial considerations are based on my living alone (I am not counting on having help with any of hte bills). We are considering this because once he gets a job he will move out of his parents house. There aren't a lot of good rentals, and he will not be buying a house since I already have one and the tax credit requires you to spend 3 years in your house. My parents think it's a great idea, we haven't addressed it with his yet as this would be contingent upon his getting a teaching job in the area.

Do you mean if you end up staying on your own, or will that also be the case if you move in together?? What and why do your parents think it's a great idea??

 

[WhateverLolaWants]

Are you by chance hesitant because you are more worried about what others will say about you? If that is one of your major hang ups, I wouldn't worry about it. People will talk regardless of what you choose for your life. (Keyword YOUR life). If you know you can resist the temptation, then go for it. However, you need to decide if this is really a step your relationship can take. Living together has been known to divide a couple because you will see each other's "real sides." Personally, I am planning on living with a guy before I marry him because I don't want to be shocked by any behavior, but you must be ready for any potential life lessons. If you do decide to move in together, it might be an idea to sit down and discuss different things. How bills will be handled, grocery shopping, furniture, inviting people over, etc, to make sure you are both on the same page.

 

[bluesaturn]

Um, thank you mom? I am very aware that other sexual acts are "sex" we don't split hairs like that. I also think that the idea that if you live together you must be having sex is quite sad. People automatically assume that you cannot have a committed relationship for as long as we have had at our age and not have sex, but that is not always true. Just because it is uncommon does not make it impossible.

I completely believe people can be in a committed relationship without having sex. But I think not having sex when you don't live together (especially if you are long distance and don't see each other that often) is a very different kind of temptation than not having sex when you living in the same house. The second might be much more difficult than you think. However, I think it's always possible that it could happen.

 

[alexandria674]

We're both 24. We've known each other for two years and have been dating for a year and a half.



Um, thank you mom? I am very aware that other sexual acts are "sex" we don't split hairs like that. I also think that the idea that if you live together you must be having sex is quite sad. People automatically assume that you cannot have a committed relationship for as long as we have had at our age and not have sex, but that is not always true. Just because it is uncommon does not make it impossible.

First off, what the other poster said is true. Even though you know you will not be having sex, there would still the appearance that you are because you will be living together. However, as long as you know you aren't having sex, why bother about other's assumptions? "Um, thank you mom?" I think that is a bit rude since these posts are open to opinion.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Are you by chance hesitant because you are more worried about what others will say about you? If that is one of your major hang ups, I wouldn't worry about it. People will talk regardless of what you choose for your life. (Keyword YOUR life). If you know you can resist the temptation, then go for it. However, you need to decide if this is really a step your relationship can take. Living together has been known to divide a couple because you will see each other's "real sides." Personally, I am planning on living with a guy before I marry him because I don't want to be shocked by any behavior, but you must be ready for any potential life lessons. If you do decide to move in together, it might be an idea to sit down and discuss different things. How bills will be handled, grocery shopping, furniture, inviting people over, etc, to make sure you are both on the same page.

That is precisely it. It is generally frowned upon in our respective religions because the assumption is that the couple must be engaging in inappropriate activity. We actually had the same issue when travelling and deciding whether or not to get separate hotel rooms.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

First off, what the other poster said is true. Even though you know you will not be having sex, there would still the appearance that you are because you will be living together. However, as long as you know you aren't having sex, why bother about other's assumptions? "Um, thank you mom?" I think that is a bit rude since these posts are open to opinion.

Sorry, not trying to be rude. It just took me off guard that somebody would be instructing me that other sexual acts are sex. At no point did I indicate that either of us felt otherwise and I wasn't sure why that needed to be said.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Do you mean if you end up staying on your own, or will that also be the case if you move in together?? What and why do your parents think it's a great idea??

I don't entirely understand the question but I will try to answer it. I mean that when deciding on the house and looking at my financial future, I have assumed that I will be completely on my own paying all bills for the foreseeable future. My ability to afford the house and the associated bills are not dependent upon having a roommate of some ilk.

My parents think it's a great idea because financially both of us would be more secure. They are both pretty liberal in these kinds of things (heck, they let me choose my own religion even as a little kid) and do not automatically assume that we will end up doing something we will later regret. To them it is a very practical choice.

I do understand what others are saying about what if we break up, and that is certainly a consideration. In that case he would move out. The house is 100% in my name, as the bills associated with the house will be. Since I already live on my own I own my own furniture, plates, etc.-everything that goes into maintaining your own residence and those would stay with me as well. We would not merge bank accounts, so anything that he bought with his own money would go with him and vice versa.

 

[bluesaturn]

If you're main concern is what other people think, you should just do it. People are already going to think you're having sex after a certain amount of time (probably already), even if you aren't living together. So you might as well do what you want.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I don't entirely understand the question but I will try to answer it. I mean that when deciding on the house and looking at my financial future, I have assumed that I will be completely on my own paying all bills for the foreseeable future. My ability to afford the house and the associated bills are not dependent upon having a roommate of some ilk.

I understand the part about being able to afford all the expenses on your own, but I was asking if he does move in, will he contribute equally??

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I understand the part about being able to afford all the expenses on your own, but I was asking if he does move in, will he contribute equally??

Yes, he would.

 

[bumbershoot]

We're a bit of a mishmash.

I'm not religious in ANY way (though I grew up with Mexican and Irish Catholics so my old friends consider me Catholic by proxy, LOL), but I was never the type that wanted to live with a guy until I was married, just because. Didn't feel right. (note, I wasn't against doing married "stuff", just didn't want the dude to live with me)

Hubby was raised Buddhist, then took a Christian turn (southern baptist while attending a missionary school in Taiwan, if you can imagine what that was like), but went back to Korean Buddhism as an older teen. He had lived with a girlfriend that he married quickly, it was a HUGE mistake that was annuled within 9 months (civil annulment), and he didn't want to live with anyone until married just b/c of the hassle.

We met, got engaged inside of 4 months, then some months later my roomie took off. My credit wasn't the best but my rental history is PRISTINE and I wanted it to stay that way. I looked everywhere...found no one. Finally looked to him...he was living with his mom b/c she had had two heart attacks and needed someone with her during that time (her now-late husband lived in San Francisco b/c he was in shipping, and she didn't want to live away from her children). It had been a year or two since the heart attacks, so she was OK...we decided to have him move in.

We were an interesting couple, because NEITHER of us wanted him to move in! We actually considered having separate rooms (since it was a huge two bedroom apt) but knew that was silly considering our relationship...but it was extremely uncomfortable for us. My aunt visited, and while she was there he slept on the couch until she told him to get back to the bedroom, and we went down to Oregon with her, and she thought I was ridiculous b/c I insisted on sharing HER room instead of staying in Robert's room. Craziest thing is that she is a staunch conservative Christian whose daughter was a Good Girl (who married drastically young, LOL, but it's worked out) b/c of their faith...but she knew we were NOT, and thought it was silly that I was so weirded out by the whole thing.

And it turned out that, for us, living together nearly destroyed our relationship. The "business" side of it, even though we were never really 50/50, was too much. Planning his dream wedding while doing the business side was too much. It was all just too hard.

And even though there was no religious aspect to our not wanting to live together...we absolutely HATED what others thought of us. It made me, especially, cringe to think about it.

And I'm here to tell you that...after we had our break up, engagement-ending, counseling, slow getting back together, and moving back in (because my boss was driving me *literally* insane and I quit suddenly, and the great huge apartment was now way too noisy b/c of construction)...it is entirely possible to live together, even when you have had (in the past) a physical relationship, and NOT live as a married couple. Why, you ask? Because I bought a gown 2-3 sizes too small (thought it was 1-2 sizes but Marisa gowns are sized even smaller than normal) and I was GOING TO FIT into that gown, and had NO interest in a pregnancy before we were married. So it's very possible, even when sharing a bed. Even with no religious convictions.


HOwever, people are going to *think* you're up to no good, and even without religion behind us, that was really hard for us, and I would put that up at the TOP of your list of reasons why not to do it.

Believe me, I would jump for joy if he would propose right now. We have talked about it and he feels it would be irresponsible to propose until he has a stable job (which he has had a hard time finding as he is a social studies teacher.) I can fully respect that. I still wish he would propose, but I do understand his reasoning and can't fault him for being practical.

Why is it necessary for him to have a steady job before proposing? Thinking that through, unless it's just an ego thing (must be Man, ignore that EB has steady job, house, and solid income, must Provide...which I totally understand as long as he's been really obvious about that), there's really no reason for it. You probably won't be quitting your job as soon as he proposes, you have a house, etc etc...there's really no reason to NOT propose, unless he wants to do so with a ring and doesn't have one yet. That's a reason...stronger for some than others...but I hope he's being forthright about it, instead of just talking nonsense about having a steady job before proposing.

That's my main issue with your post, is his silliness (IMO) about that!


But my main point is...regardless of what control you two have over yourselves, the perception of others is a difficult one, especially since you have convictions that make it even harder on you, to have that assumption.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

That's kind of harsh Bumbershoot. I can fully understand and respect his decision and do not find it to be silly at all. Actually, his original comment was that we would both have steady jobs before he propsed. I have a job, now we are waiting on him. At this point we do not know where he will end up. I took a job in that area mostly to be closer to him (although I do love the area!), but there just isn't a lot of demand for social studies teachers who aren't coaches. He could end up on the other side of the state! He wants to return to this area eventually, but we don't know if he'll be able to start out there.

It only makes sense that both of us enter married life only after we have achieved at least some semblance of financial stability. Financial reasons are some of the top reasons couples split up. Why make it harder for ourselves than it already is? We both have the same goals for the future, but we are at a time of transition and do not know what the future will hold. He is a very practical person and wants to be over this particular roadbump before entering into a permanent decision, and I can respect that.

 

[bananda]

i think that it is possible to live together and not have sex, but it would increase the temptation significantly.
personally, i think living together could be risky because of the added temptation. maybe think about having another person move in aswell?

i dont know, just really think about every aspect of the decision

 

[Andy B]

You know I thing the Churches have far too much to say about sex, Jesus actually has relatively little to say about it. He was less judgemental of people than the established church of the day.

We cohabited before we were married out of neccesity as much as desire and we have been married for 23 years in a loving relationship.

 

[MoniqueU]

I didn't read the other replies but I was raised catholic and cohabitated and gave into temptation. Heck I gave into temptation before I med my DH that I am still married to.
You seem commited to your beliefs as does your future husband. If it makes financial sense to you in this day and time and it won't rock the boat too much with your parents and your family(or even if it does) I think you should go for it. Also I think in this day age it is better for a woman to live in a house with a male just fot safety issues. I have never in my life lived alone, I went straight from living with my mom to living with my DH and mom onto living with my mom and kids and now onto my mom my kids and my dh I couldn't imagin it any other way.

You seem to have strong beliefs and a good head on your shoulders. follow your own path.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We're both 24. We've known each other for two years and have been dating for a year and a half.



Um, thank you mom? I am very aware that other sexual acts are "sex" we don't split hairs like that. I also think that the idea that if you live together you must be having sex is quite sad. People automatically assume that you cannot have a committed relationship for as long as we have had at our age and not have sex, but that is not always true. Just because it is uncommon does not make it impossible.

You are welcome.

Look, I could care less about what people think, sex before marriage, religion, etc...

What I do care about is that you may be setting yourself up for a very painful situation.

I would not move in together until you have been living in the same city for a long period of time.

From what you are describing you are setting up a very controlling situation (owning the place, no sex, all of your stuff stays if you break up, etc) with him which has a tendency to go sour. You are putting yourself in a "mom role" instead of a partner role.

When my dh and I cohabitated we rented a place together, both names on the lease. It was a partnership. Your plan has a different vibe to it if you know what I mean.

That is just reality. Now it may be fine or it may not be. Ultimately you will be the one to reap the rewards or the loss here.

 

[java]

Believe me, I would jump for joy if he would propose right now. We have talked about it and he feels it would be irresponsible to propose until he has a stable job (which he has had a hard time finding as he is a social studies teacher.) I can fully respect that. I still wish he would propose, but I do understand his reasoning and can't fault him for being practical.

He does not want to stay in his parents house (he wants to be on his own) and has stated that it would be much easier financially if he had a roommate but that I am the only one he would ever want to room with. I can honestly see both sides of the issue and wonder what others think.

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

I think those 2 statements say it all. He's willing to let you basically support him(if his job is so unstable obviously he sees you as someone that would let him avoid the rent if he had to) yet not willing to commit to marriage. At least right now.

Me personally I wouldn't do it. Let him live at home and save up some money so he can be more "financially Stable".
(which to me is a load of you know what)


Now I did live with my fiance after we got engaged. My roommate had just gotten married and I had no place to live- we were getting married in 3 months so it made sense. We were sexually active though. (and we're both Catholic)

Based on the information I have from your posts only- I would say don't do it.