Cohabitating?

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I'm in a sort of ethical dilemma and would love to hear different sides of this. If my boyfriend gets a job in the same area I do we are sort of kicking around the idea of sharing a house. It would put us both in a much more comfortable financial state, and we have already had very serious and frank discussions about the future and what it will hold for us.

I am Catholic, he is Lutheran and this is generally frowned upon. The assumption is that if a couple cohabitates they will give into temptation, but this is not us. We are both committed to maintaining a Christian relationship in which sex is present only in the confines of marriage. We would not share a bedroom. I asked about this on a Catholic boards and have sort of been ganged up on. According to them it is impossible to resist temptation and we will lead others to sin. That seems a bit out there to me.

I'm trying to really look at all sides of the issue.

 

[shortbun]

I think entering into a business relationship with your boyfriend might ruin the romance. Why not get engaged and get married if that where you are headed. I'm not a big proponent of the whole 'Christian' relationship thing as I feel it causes people to twist the truth about their sexual habits- definitions get blurred, kwim? But since you asked and based on what you've said, my vote would be separate living arrangements.

 

[Anewman]

We are missing way too many facts to give you any kind of "helpful" advice.

Are you here to be talked out of it? think about it

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I think that's a reasonable assumption, but it's your choice if you want to put yourself in a position to test those boundaries. In regards to the church's position, you either respect their stance on cohabitating or choose to disregard it. I think you should do what feels right and not look to other people for approval or justification because you're most likely going to be drawn to whichever side answers to what is in your heart.

 

[themilesfamily]

Shortbun, I don't know why, but I am so shocked by your answer. I almost fell over when I read it! I adore you and your posts, but I thought for sure you'd go the other direction on this.

Anyway, I agree with Shortbun and for all the same reasons!

Here is a website that presents numerous studies re: why living together has a negative impact on future marriage. It has a religious angle, but it does present a wide variety of studies.

http://www.leaderu.com/critical/cohabitation-socio.html

But, if you do decide to move in with your boyfriend, we will still love you here at the DISboards -- no judgement here! I really admire you for taking the time to consider the positives and the negatives of such a decision before doing it.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

We are missing way too many facts to give you any kind of "helpful" advice.

Are you here to be talked out of it? think about it

No I'm not. I'm honestly trying to look at all sides. My parents have no issue with it whatsoever, we're pretty sure his parents will be chill but would never do it if they are not. I'm just really fence sitting on this and wanted other perspectives as I feel the posters on the Catholic site are being slightly over the top.

Believe me, I would jump for joy if he would propose right now. We have talked about it and he feels it would be irresponsible to propose until he has a stable job (which he has had a hard time finding as he is a social studies teacher.) I can fully respect that. I still wish he would propose, but I do understand his reasoning and can't fault him for being practical.

He does not want to stay in his parents house (he wants to be on his own) and has stated that it would be much easier financially if he had a roommate but that I am the only one he would ever want to room with. I can honestly see both sides of the issue and wonder what others think.

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I think that's a reasonable assumption, but it's your choice if you want to put yourself in a position to test those boundaries. In regards to the church's position, you either respect their stance on cohabitating or choose to disregard it. I think you should do what feels right and not look to other people for approval or justification because you're most likely going to be drawn to whichever side answers to what is in your heart.

That's the part where we're torn (and will probably consult a priest on.) I have had one other male roommate before, he was actually a friend on the liturgy committee of our Cathollic Newmna Center. He needed a place to live for a summer and I had an extra bedroom. Our priest and all our Catholic friends knew and there were zero issues with it. Of course, we were not romantically involved.

As far as I can tell, the stance on cohabitating is that it will lead to sin, but that truly is not an issue for us, we are committed to maintaining an appropriate relationship. The stance is on sex before marriage, I'm not finding anything official on sharing a residence.

 

[ryan840]

DH and I lived together for 3 years before we were married and I wouldn't do it any other way. Not that I'm saying everyone should do it, just that we knew all of each others flaws and everything before getting married and therefore had no unrealistic expectations. We just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary this week and he's as much of a PITA as ever but I still love him! Through the years every time we've had a bad fight we've both remembered that we knew what we were getting into before getting married and it helped us to be more accepting. Good luck with whatever you choose!

ETA- While we are Christian (not Catholic or Lutheran though) we never brought it into our living arrangements and lived basically as any married couple would. Thought I should mention that since you are looking to be true to your religion.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

It sounds complicated, so I can see why you're torn. Living on your own versus moving in with a person who you love are two entirely different things. Aside from the sex, everything else will be similar to dealing with life as a couple. Do you think he is using the "let's wait until I'm financially stable" as an out because he's afraid to make that leap??

 

[themilesfamily]

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

We did and I would NEVER, NEVER do it again. I think it negatively impacted our marriage.

The big problem is that we got in this "roommate-like" routine -- you pay 50% of the rent, I pay 50%, your groceries go in this cupboard, mine go in this cupboard, these are your towels, these are my towels. When we got married and things changed, we had children, etc., my husband continued with this expectation that everything should be yours vs. mine. It was hell trying to get him to realize that we were now MARRIED, we were not ROOMMATES anymore, everything belonged to one family, not this-is-mine, this-is-yours. We had to go into counseling over it. When I was 9-months pregnant and he was flipping out because I didn't have my 50% of the electric bill for the month -- hello counseling!! And my husband is not a jerky person -- he just never made the transition to us as a "married unit."

And that's just one area that we dealt with that comes to mind. There are others. Just be aware that the patterns you establish as a cohabitating couple WILL follow you into a marriage. You guys may do better than we did!!!

 

[TwinsinCA]

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

I think cases of platonic co-habitation by people who are dating are very rare. Kudos to you if you can do it, but asking other opinions isn't likely an apples to apples comparison.

I lived with my husband briefly before we got married. We had already been engaged for over a year and my roommate moved out 4 months before the wedding. It just made sense for DH to move in. I was staying at his place pretty much every night anyway so...

Can't say it impacted our marriage in any significant way and I would do it again. in some ways it was nice to get the hassle of moving out of the way so that isn't another issue right on the heels of planning a wedding and honeymoon.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Those who did cohabitate before marriage, would you do it again? Do you think it impacted your marriage at all?

I do not believe in the tenets of religion regarding cohabitation prior to marriage. I lived with my BF prior to marriage.

If my BF and I did not have sex while living together I would have considered him gay.

I think you are asking to much to remain chaste. What happens when you start having sex or one of you pressures the other for sex?

This is not a way to build a relationship but a way to end one. JMO

 

[Cool-Beans]

I think it is a dumb idea. If you want to get married, get married. But don't play at marriage. Don't set up a roomie situation with someone you might break up with - it just reeks of trouble.

...and I think I speak for all of us when I say that we don't care if you sleep together or not. That's your own thing to deal with, whether or not you live together.

But good luck if you do it!! (the roomie thing, not the other thing, lol)

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

It sounds complicated, so I can see why you're torn. Living on your own versus moving in with a person who you love are two entirely different things. Aside from the sex, everything else will be similar to dealing with life as a couple. Do you think he is using the "let's wait until I'm financially stable" as an out because he's afraid to make that leap??

No, he's just a very practical person, not prone to rushing into things.

I think it is a dumb idea. If you want to get married, get married. But don't play at marriage. Don't set up a roomie situation with someone you might break up with - it just reeks of trouble.

...and I think I speak for all of us when I say that we don't care if you sleep together or not. That's your own thing to deal with, whether or not you live together.

But good luck if you do it!! (the roomie thing, not the other thing, lol)

"playing married?" I have always hated that term. It makes it sound like two little kids trying to have fun. We're trying to weigh all the practical aspects of being on our own and what our faiths say about such things.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

No, he's just a very practical person, not prone to rushing into things.



"playing married?" I have always hated that term. It makes it sound like two little kids trying to have fun. We're trying to weigh all the practical aspects of being on our own and what our faiths say about such things.

Can I ask how old you both are and how long you've been in a committed relationship??

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK, for starters other sexual acts you are doing are considered "sex".

In addition people are going to assume you are having sex.

Anyway if you live together you will be having sex. To think otherwise is well, naive.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Can I ask how old you both are and how long you've been in a committed relationship??

We're both 24. We've known each other for two years and have been dating for a year and a half.

OK, for starters other sexual acts you are doing are considered "sex".

In addition people are going to assume you are having sex.

Anyway if you live together you will be having sex. To think otherwise is well, naive.

Um, thank you mom? I am very aware that other sexual acts are "sex" we don't split hairs like that. I also think that the idea that if you live together you must be having sex is quite sad. People automatically assume that you cannot have a committed relationship for as long as we have had at our age and not have sex, but that is not always true. Just because it is uncommon does not make it impossible.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

What are your current living arrangements and are you satisfied with them?? Are you giving this extra consideration based on the fact that he is now ready to move out of his parent's house??

 

[My2Cinderellas]

If you want the Lutheran view, you need to specify which denomination. ELCA is more liberal in it's views on many topics, sex before marriage is definitely discouraged, but our pastor knew we were living together and didn't make a fuss about it. My friend is Lutheran-Missouri synod and living together/sex before marriage is a strict no no. She had to grovel big time and I think her parents had to throw their weight around a bit with the pastor, he refused to perform her ceremony the first time she asked.

And there is no way I would live with a boyfriend if we were not having sex. I don't have that kind of willpower, plus it doesn't really matter what you are or are not doing, living together will give the appearance of impropriety.

But I was 29 when I met DH and was not concerned about what my parents thought. Neither of our parents really approved but didn't make a stink about it.

This is a huge decision on many levels. Good luck with it.

 

[bluesaturn]

My boyfriend and I have decided we won't live together before marriage. Partly, it is due to religious reasons because we are Catholic. Our families would be disappointed, though they would get over it. But even more so, I don't feel comfortable with it. I want marriage to be the beginning of our life together, and I truly want it to be a life together not a roommate situation. I have no problem if other people want to live together, I know for many it's a requirement, but it's not the choice for me.

I think the church's main complaint about living together is that it implies that you didn't remain chaste until marriage. Which I'm sure is true for almost all couples that live together, and most couples that don't live together. So technically, I don't think it would be "wrong" in the eyes of the church if you lived together but didn't have sex.

That being said, I really can't imagine how a couple could live together as the only occupants of a home and not sleep together at some point. I understand some people have strong faith and good self-control, but that is an incredibly tempting situation. If you do live together, you should be prepared that one or both of you may change your mind about waiting for marriage. That may cause tension in the relationship and become quite a situation.