Christmas vent, please help!

[Shellydm]

Yikes, that does change everything if they know what they are doing/not doing. I'm sorry you have to deal with this every year!

Best Wishes!

 

[tarheel618]

Thanks for your ideas. Unfortunately, both sides of our families are well aware if what they are doing, and not doing. Because my DH has a good paying job, they tend to think they don't have to bring anything. We know we're taken advantage of most if the time with them.

Next year, I would let everyone know that you are supplying the main dish (turkey or ham) and everyone is expected to bring a side dish. If noone brings a side dish, then guess everyone is eating one dish. Some people need to learn the hard way.

Also, OOPs I forgot to get gas for the snowmobiles. I would have some games and movies ready as a back up.

 

[arihillfarm]

Wow, a $100 in gas is a lot. That would get my gas-guzzling SUV almost half way to Disney. Next year, fill the snowmobile tanks and don't have any extra in gas cans. When they run out, ask another family member to kindly run up the road with the gas cans to refill them so the kids can continue their fun.

As for the drinks, I would just put them somewhere the kids can't get them and dole out drinks in smaller portions. Get those refreeze-able ice cubes filled with water so their drinks don't get watered down when they sit for too long.

-Astrid

 

[bpesch]

I'm fond of the saying "You can't be taken advantage of unless you allow it to happen." There is so much truth in that. If these things really bug you, then it's time to speak up and change things.

Why not have everyone bring something? There is nothing wrong with that. I assign the items based on the skill level of the person involved. My DIL is not a cooker, so I ask her to bring something like rolls. This year I asked her to just get some type of salad in the deli to bring. It worked out just fine. She felt like she was contributing but no pressure and everyone was happy. The ones that can cook are asked to bring a dish they may be good at or one of their specialties. It's amazing how much it helps when everyone brings something.

I'm also a firm believer in being responsible for your kids. If the mom and dad won't do it, then I'm going to. Their behavior in my house is done my way. If mom and dad want to ignore in their own house, fine, but it's not going to happen at my place. There is nothing wrong with quietly taking a child aside and saying something.

The snowmobile issue could be solved by talking to everyone ahead of time. Nothing wrong with asking them to contribute to the costs of gas if it's a financial burden for you. If they don't want to, no problem, no snowmobiles.

I agree with the poster who said your families may truly not realize how much of a burden the holidays have become for you. You have to speak up. Do it nicely and way before the actual day and hopefully you'll find that everyone is glad to chip in so they can continue to have the day at your house. But if they truly know what they are doing and aren't likely to change, then maybe it's time for someone else to host. You can't be taken advantage of unless you allow it to happen.

 

[apnep]

Try drinking more. It works for me!

Haha!

 

[Iforgetmypassword]

I don't think anyone is taking advantage of you. You and your relatives have struck upon a relationship that is agreeable to all: you provide, and they take. You may not like it, but you accept it.

Or, of course, you can change it, if you're unhappy with it like this. If you don't change it, well then, that's more proof that you're okay with this relationship.

Eventually, you may reach a point where you say it can't go on like that any more. That's when the relationship no longer works for you. If you don't say anything, it must be because you don't really mind.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Next year, I would let everyone know that you are supplying the main dish (turkey or ham) and everyone is expected to bring a side dish. If noone brings a side dish, then guess everyone is eating one dish. Some people need to learn the hard way.

Also, OOPs I forgot to get gas for the snowmobiles. I would have some games and movies ready as a back up.

This! My sister in law ends up hosting everything at her house because she has the biggest house in the town all the family lives in. I would host but we live in another state! Because providing everything for the holiday celebrations is very expensive she assignes the family what they have to bring. No leaving it up to chance with a "just bring a side dish", she is very specific. One might be assigned 4 bottles of white wine, another 3 lbs of shrimp, another 3 desserts that serve at least 6 to 8 each. One year someone handed her all the raw ingrediets to make their assigned dish. My SIL handed it all back with a mixing bowl and said "Here you go. What temp should I set the oven for you". Divide it all up and farm it out. It works for us.

 

[Iforgetmypassword]

This! My sister in law ends up hosting everything at her house because she has the biggest house in the town all the family lives in. I would host but we live in another state! Because providing everything for the holiday celebrations is very expensive she assignes the family what they have to bring. No leaving it up to chance with a "just bring a side dish", she is very specific. One might be assigned 4 bottles of white wine, another 3 lbs of shrimp, another 3 desserts that serve at least 6 to 8 each. One year someone handed her all the raw ingrediets to make their assigned dish. My SIL handed it all back with a mixing bowl and said "Here you go. What temp should I set the oven for you". Divide it all up and farm it out. It works for us.

On a lighter note, your post reminded me of this letter. "Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year."

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

How did my family Thanksgiving dinner list get posted on the internet???!!!


Just kidding!

 

[nepean]

This was the first Christmas in my life (61 years) that I was not with my family. Last year we were at DW on Christmas Day but family arrived on the 27th. I must admit that it was one of my best Christmas Days since I was a child. There was myself, DH, DD and her boyfriend of 3 years. We had a leisurely brunch, didn't know the boyfriend could make amazing eggs, after we opened our gifts, DD and BF went to visit his Grandparents for a few hours and we had our turkey dinner at 6. We watched movies, read, DH went for a training run (he is running the Goofy in Jan) and relaxed. No drama, no one else's rules or someone not liking my rules, got up late, went to bed late and had fun. This wonderful day was preceded by a nightmare of a Christmas Eve and I thought Christmas was ruined. Turned out it wasn't.Don't let anyone ruin your day ever.

Nepean

 

[4HOLIDAYS]

This sounds like me and my DH. W have slowly made a bit of progress with our families.

Like when we say we will sit down o eat at 6, that means 6 not 7:30 or 8 when you decide to show up.

We also learned we can't count on his side to bring meal parts, sides or entrees, because they sometimes show up hours late.

My side when asked to bring specific items, usualy does whatever they want anyway. We say sides, such as sweet pot, asparagus...they show up with pot salad. And now my sis and BIL bring a ham every time because that is what they want, regardless of what the whole meal is.

Or my DH's bro and his kids, they think our house is a store. They used to pull out every toy, video, electronic...never watch their kids, lose stuff in the pool, the yard...the list goes on and on. For the last 3/4 yrs we HIDE as much of my kids belongings before visits. His kids(4,6) have tried leaving with all kinds of things and I have to be the one to stop them.

But the best is we no longer put the fod on the tale where we eat, I try and set it buffet stly, a bit set back, because of how many times my BIL's kids have literaly stuck their hands in the food, then put it back, and the worse...drank from the gravy boat! Yes, their parents were watching!

We are rethinking again how to keep putting new "measures"in place to save our sanity and still have everyone get together. We had about 12 events like this last yr. Don't get me started on the time, money, little help...

 

[mousefan1972]

Posts like this remind me why we started spending Christmas in Disney in 2007. We just came home Thursday. It's just the 4 of us: myself, DH, DD9 and DS7. The kids have spent Christmas in Disney since they were 4 and 2 so it is all they know. Hubby and I, however, still very clearly remember the drama, hurt and anger from our last Christmas (2006) with our "families" at home. Now we have fun, drama free holidays with our little family at our most favorite place in the world. We have our traditions there that we have come to treasure, and I wouldn't change it for anything.

OP, I hope next year is better for you. Best of luck.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

because of how many times my BIL's kids have literaly stuck their hands in the food, then put it back, and the worse...drank from the gravy boat! Yes, their parents were watching!

Baaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!

Sorry, I know it was not funny when it happened.

 

[4HppyCamprs]

This year was the year in 13 that my MIL has asked me to bring something to Xmas dinner and I was thrilled to be asked! I like cooking and I like being useful but my inlaws always made it seems like they had everything in control and didn't need any help. I would much rather be asked if I could bring something rather than be expected to read the hosts mind!

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[4HppyCamprs]

This year was the year in 13 that my MIL has asked me to bring something to Xmas dinner and I was thrilled to be asked! I like cooking and I like being useful but my inlaws always made it seems like they had everything in control and didn't need any help. I would much rather be asked if I could bring something rather than be expected to read the hosts mind!

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

** first year in 13 years**

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[LisaInNc]

Truthfully if I am the Hostess I just expect that I do everything. Supply everything and I cook everything. Bring something extra...how nice. Expect that and you have a hole in your meal.

I mean come on people are busy

Expecting people to live up to my expectation is naieve.

If someone helps, bravo.....but if they don't I just understand that not everyone understands the burden of hostessing.

After years of getting upset I decided a few years ago. I either do it and I am gracious or I don't.

I choose to do it. We have a great time. For me I just don't devote any more energy into looking what who contributes and who does not.

I wish everyone had my book of hostessing but they don't and to decide that they have to meet my expectations just it too much.

I do it because I love them. I don't need anything else.

Lisa

 

[Jenny3]

Ugh, that would drive me crazy! It's your holiday (and vacation) too and is utterly ridiculous that you have to cook, clean and pick up after grown adults, as well as watch their kids. I would totally say something.

Actually, to be honest, I would take next year off and enjoy a quiet holiday with just your family for once. And the following year, send an email giving everyone a meal to be in charge of. I find it completely rude that your in-laws come for DAYS and not offer to bring anything!

 

[akcire]

Op. next year only server premade. They will get the hint especially if you burn a few items. Nothing says tired hostess like a burnt frozen pizza on Christmas Eve.

 

[Swirly girls]

Truthfully if I am the Hostess I just expect that I do everything. Supply everything and I cook everything. Bring something extra...how nice. Expect that and you have a whole in your meal.

I mean come on people are busy

Expecting people to live up to my expectation is naieve.

If someone helps, bravo.....but if they don't I just understand that not everyone understands the burden of hostessing.

After years of getting upset I decided a few years ago. I either do it and I am gracious or I don't.

I choose to do it. We have a great time. For me I just don't devote any more energy into looking what who contributes and who does not.

I wish everyone had my book of hostessing but they don't and to decide that they have to meet my expectations just it too much.

I do it because I love them. I don't need anything else.

Lisa

Your right to a point, we host, therefore we carry the burden and expense of all the work that goes into having it. However, nobody lifts a finger from the time they arrive, until they go home. I don't think it would bug me quite as much if they would help a little. My husband and my kids help -- thank goodness. And my own mom and sister do help on Xmas day.
As far as your comment about people are busy..... What does that have to do with anything? The only thing they have done is loaded thier vehicle and drove to our House, then unloaded and sat on thier butts waiting for supper. Seriously!
I work and have 3 busy kids. Before company came I spent the 2 days prior cleaning, prepping food and cooking, baking, making beds for company to stay in, along with normal every day wife and mom stuff.
Oh, by the way, I worked Xmas eve day till noon. When I came hone everybody was sitting around waiting for me, to get lunch started. My hubby was outside shoveling, and putting snow stuff away since kids ( ours and niece and nephew) had been out.
SIL and BiL were sitting on the couch, watching tv, and on their phones -- I also had work Wednesday and Thursday. So, don't tell me that people are busy--- cuz I get busy!

So, You really don't know what your talking about.
Your fortunate to have in laws that arent lazy and ungrateful.
I told my hubby today that we're doing things very different next year, or we aren't hosting at all.
Random story from about 5 years ago. I work in the nursing field. At that time I worked nightshifts.
I had to be to work at 10:30 on Xmas eve. When I left for work, everybody was still up and still munching on cold cuts, sweet treats, and punch. So, I left everything out for them to enjoy.
When I got hone the next morning after work ( Xmas morning) it was 7:00am. ALL the cold cuts, and sweet treats and punch had been left out -- nobody bothered to put anything away. I was very mad! I did get after my DH that time too.
So you see, they don't get it. They don't care.

 

[Swirly girls]

Ugh, that would drive me crazy! It's your holiday (and vacation) too and is utterly ridiculous that you have to cook, clean and pick up after grown adults, as well as watch their kids. I would totally say something.

Actually, to be honest, I would take next year off and enjoy a quiet holiday with just your family for once. And the following year, send an email giving everyone a meal to be in charge of. I find it completely rude that your in-laws come for DAYS and not offer to bring anything!

Thanks for your support with this!! I think it's rude too. Glad I'm not the only one that thinks so! My DH agrees to a point, but it's his family, so he doesn't totally see it.
I know when I'm at their homes for different things I always pitch in and help out. So, it really hard for me to get why they are this way.
I should mention, we DO get along fairly well. Although, that is becoming harder for Me due to their behavior. I just can't help it!