Christmas vent, please help!

[eliza61]

In 2004, my MIL refused to let my dying father (he had been fighting cancer for 9 years and we knew this would be his last) and my family come to Christmas Day at her house. For seven years me and DH had to split our holidays between his family and my family, I just wanted one Christmas where we could all just spend it together. I still can't get over it, being younger and more naive at the time I should have said I won't be coming to THEIR Christmas at all (ever). The things we endure...Christmas is hard for me. I feel that the meaning of Christmas has been lost, being together and being nice to each other everyday is what we all need. I'll keep trying not to be bitter.
Thanks for the ear.

First, a big hug

Second, tomorrow is NY's day. How about making a resolution to change it (as much as you can).

My family did and Christmases have been absolutely wonderful. First, we got rid of the gift giving. NO one exchanges gifts among the siblings. Each sibling is responsible for taking care of their own children. My kids do not expect or get gifts from their uncles, aunts or cousins, they no longer make a beeline for the tree upon entering some ones house. That 100% has gotten rid of the "he spent what on my kids" and the "I hate this gift" problem.

Next, we try to "do" stuff together as opposed to buying stuff. This Christmas we planned our family reunion. We're skipping disney and going to London We also are going to see Les Miserable as a family on Thursday (the play not the movie). My sons now ask me "Is so and so going to be at dinner", they actually now look forward to who is going to show up.

I too got tired of all the ridiculous "drama" surrounding gift giving and holiday meals. Now I'm in the minority here as far as people chipping in with the meal. when I host dinner I don't expect or ask anyone to bring any thing (if they ask, I tell them to bring themselves). I was just raised that when you invite people to dinner, you supply dinner (not that my way is any better) but I also have no problems when my funds are tight simply saying "I'm not having Christmas dinner this year guys".

So, why not start campaigning to change some traditions. Start spreading the news now, you want Christmas at your house, start a little savings account.

Believe me brer, I know how hard it can be but I swear everyone in my family has said how much stress is off them. Now we concentrate on the weather and how to get everyone to the designated house. We concentrate on the meaning of christmas. for us it's celebrating the birth of Christ with love ones.

This holiday has been so disheartening here on the dis. POst after post from folks venting (which is perfectly fine) about Christmas gifts and seemingly bad guest. Just a shame to see christmas's go south for stuff that really does not matter.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Hello,

I always feel uneasy for this reason when invited to someone's house hoping I'm not stepping on toes, or doing anything wrong that they are secretly thinking. My sister has her house perfect, and will wipe down the walls while you are sitting there talking or mop under the table if you drop a crumb before you can bend over and pick it up. I am sooo self conscious over there. I can only imagine what she says when I leave. I once heard her talking about how mad she was that so and so walked into her living room and messed up her sweeper marks. I would have never realized that I couldn't walk in the living room and cringed to think how many times I may have walked in there not knowing I would be the talk of the house after I left.

I know some people like this too. It seems like they want you at their house but really don't want you at their house because you will dirty up their perfection. I often wonder if they have any idea how uncomfortable and unwelcome their behavior makes their guests feel. I've thought about metioning it buy decided not to because: a) I don't go over there often so I can deal with it a few visits a year. b) I really love the person and don't want to hurt their feelings or cause World War III. c) I'm not sure it would do any good because it may be an OCD/mental health issue the person can't really stop even if they want to.

 

[sarahlovesmickey]

We also host Christmas every year as we have enough room to accommodate everyone, plus it's easier for us to have it at our house so we don't have to go to three houses on Christmas day. So everyone comes to us. We provide the turkey and most of the fixings, but everyone else brings something. Like this year, my mom and my sister brought desserts. My in-laws brought terriaki chicken for a snack/appetizer. We provided the rest. It usually goes pretty smoothly. My niece and nephews know how to act at my house, but it's also nice we have our basement finished so there are 2 bedrooms down there so the kids pretty much hibernate down there. LOL! I agree with the others---SPEAK UP! =)

 

[foreUT]

Thank you.

I love the idea of giving to charity, because to me that is a very thoughtful gift. With money being tight as it is, we have stopped donating a couple years ago, so that would be nice from my point of view. I don't know if the others will go along with it. Worst case, I just tell them we do not want to exchange. I'd rather treat them to a Christmas Party dinner out at our favorite pizza place.

Christmas is about feelings not stuff, imo, and if they don't get that, then you are merely being the adult in the room. Donate to the charity, have the emails sent by the charity organization before the holiday and, then, do the pizza party, if you still feel a need to do something. (BTW, I love the pizza idea.) Whatever you do: stop the gift exchange because it makes you unhappy and life is too short. Don't let them make you feel guilty. It might take a Christmas or two, but they will eventually get the message. Just keep pushing that thought: Christmas is for giving to the less fortunate and you all are so blessed and this is the best way (by donating) to show the reason for the holiday.

 

[foreUT]

That sounds like FIL's new wife; it is now HER house and none of FIL's side of the family is allowed over without her permission or being there, the code on the door locks have been changed to new ones that only she, FIL and one of her friends know, and all of FIL's pre-her crockery etc is now relegated to the outdoor kitchen and hers is for their use inside only. And FIL seems to be okay with her slowly cutting him off from all of his family and friends!

How sad. I will never understand why new spouses do that.

 

[angwill]

That sounds like FIL's new wife; it is now HER house and none of FIL's side of the family is allowed over without her permission or being there, the code on the door locks have been changed to new ones that only she, FIL and one of her friends know, and all of FIL's pre-her crockery etc is now relegated to the outdoor kitchen and hers is for their use inside only. And FIL seems to be okay with her slowly cutting him off from all of his family and friends!

This is so different than my friends issue it isn't even close. It simply is my friends house and if she prefers that others not go in her cabinets and mess up her kitchen that is her choice. She is not complaining without speaking up she has expressed the way she feels and asked them not to because she prefers cleaning up on her own or at least being the one in charge so things get put and taken from where they should. They should respect her wishes. On the other hand they feel they are being helpful and that is how they prefer things when they host parties. The hosts kitchen is their kitchen if they want help they should ask and if not and they voice that it should be respected as well.

You are dealing with bad feelings toward a new wife moving into a family and trying to change things in her new home the way she prefers them. Your last statement says it all your FIL simply doesn't mind her changes. Because of this his family is cutting him off because they feel they should be allowed free access to his home whenever they like and that she should put the cookware she prefers outside instead of in her new kitchen where she likes it.

If you got divorced from your DH and remarried and moved into your new husbands home would you not put your cookware in your new kitchen? Would you want to keep the locks on a door that you have no clue who has a key to it? FIL has the obligation to his family to keep things amicable and should be working with the new wife to keep things peaceful and that means agreeing on who has free access to their home.

I think I should add that after my father passed away my mother started dating a man that was a lot younger than her who came in and took over too. He didn't move in with her full time but took things from her home that belonged to us and took them to his house. One was a recliner and I talked to my mother about it who refused to discuss it with him so I was out my recliner that in reality I should have had in my home not hers. My issue was not with him not realizing what he did that bothered me it was with my mother who knew that recliner was mine but let him take it anyway. Had she married him she is still the one that I was related to and had a past with not him. Now years into a marriage my issues might become issues with him after buidling a relationship with him. KWIM?

 

[brertoad]

First, a big hug

Second, tomorrow is NY's day. How about making a resolution to change it (as much as you can).

My family did and Christmases have been absolutely wonderful. First, we got rid of the gift giving. ...

Next, we try to "do" stuff together as opposed to buying stuff. This Christmas we planned our family reunion. We're skipping disney and going to London We also are going to see Les Miserable as a family on Thursday (the play not the movie). My sons now ask me "Is so and so going to be at dinner", they actually now look forward to who is going to show up.

I too got tired of all the ridiculous "drama" surrounding gift giving and holiday meals. Now I'm in the minority here as far as people chipping in with the meal. when I host dinner I don't expect or ask anyone to bring any thing (if they ask, I tell them to bring themselves). I was just raised that when you invite people to dinner, you supply dinner (not that my way is any better) but I also have no problems when my funds are tight simply saying "I'm not having Christmas dinner this year guys".

So, why not start campaigning to change some traditions. Start spreading the news now, you want Christmas at your house, start a little savings account.

Believe me brer, I know how hard it can be but I swear everyone in my family has said how much stress is off them. Now we concentrate on the weather and how to get everyone to the designated house. We concentrate on the meaning of christmas. for us it's celebrating the birth of Christ with love ones.

Just keep pushing that thought: Christmas is for giving to the less fortunate and you all are so blessed and this is the best way (by donating) to show the reason for the holiday.

Over the last 15 years it's gotten better, only because I put my foot down, but it feels like they are pulling us back in. Like foreUT said, it may take several times to get them to understand. I'll have to re-affirm my boundaries, propose alternatives. I'm not an unreasonable person, and if they saw things my way they may end up being happier for it! I would rather host a cookie party and pizza party.

Last year, for the first time my MIL and I baked up a lot of cookies, and that is a nice memory. With the treats I had, I gave them to our friends at the local post office and UPS store who we see on a daily basis, she wrapped up goodies for her co-workers. It meant a lot for me to spread some holiday cheer. This year, we didn't. She had no time, she was doing last minute shopping.

I'm glad your family embraced the change and is getting all the benefits from that, when the stress is taken out of the equation, we are all free to be ourselves and to be closer to each other. I love the movie idea and seeing a stage play! It's heartwarming that your children look forward to seeing their cousins and family, that is how I remember holidays when I was little. That is still how I think about holidays on my side of the family, I look forward to seeing them, not presents.

Here is to a better 2013, happy new year!