Christmas vent, please help!

[4mousefans]

This Christmas was the best ever because for the first time in twenty years, we spent it by waking up in our own beds! We have always traveled to be with family...my SIL likes to wake up in her own house on Christmas morning...but this year, I suggested that we celebrate the holiday the weekend before. That way, EVERYONE could be in their own homes on Christmas day. My parents hosted the meal in their home, providing the main course. The rest of the family was assigned side dishes to bring. We all assisted with clean up and once that was accomplished, had one of the funniest white elephant gift exchanges that I have ever been part of! Truly, it was the most stress-free holiday that I can remember! Best part was that on Christmas morning, I was able to enjoy sleeping in, having brunch, watching the Disney Parade on television and opening gifts with our own little family. I would suggest to do it all again next year, but our foursome will be at Disney!

 

[Sandy61]

I am an assertive person so when I host I say..."I'll cook the main dish, you bring a side dish." to someone else it's bring a dessert. When they are all there I ask..."can you put this in the blue dish. Can you pick up all the wrapping paper, here's the garbage bag." Everyone in our family is helpful and always asks..."what can I do to help?".

On a side note of how it could be worse. My SIL has been divorced almost 2 years after her no-good, serially-cheating husband filed for divorce. He married almost immediately for a whole 2 months before divorcing again. He has trotted a string of girlfriends and girlfriend's kids into the family get-togethers. My DH and I can not stand the sight of him. He is also racist and has never had a steady job. This past Christmas we walked into their house and there he was with a girlfriend and 3 brats. SIL complained to us that he was supposed to visit kids a short time and then leave but he stayed for dinner with us. And was still there when we left hours later. This SIL is a lovely person but really needs to set the rules for her house and her party.

 

[robsmom]

OP. I totally understand as the holidays are always so exhausting especially when hosting. We went to my parents on Christmas Eve. For Christmas Day I had a big breakfast for just the 4 of us and then dinner for 11. Thursday, one of my SIL's and I took 5 kids to see a musical in the city. Friday morning my DH sister and family came to visit and we had 10 for dinner. They left this am. Yesterday was the extended family party at my sisters for which I made a few things. Tomorrow, my sister and family are coming for a quiet New Year's Eve. I feel like I have been cooking and cleaning for most of my vacation from work. So, today I am spending the day in my chaise lounge with a blanket.

I am lucky because I don't have as many of the issues with not helping as you seem to. The advice on this thead is great. One other thing that I find helps is if you are sharing the hosting and/or work throughout the year. Mom and Dad have Christmas Eve. The extended family party rotates. We go to DH's sister's for Easter each year. At 4th of July we are at my Aunt and Uncles who live near a lake. I have one cousin who really does not have room to entertain, but she is great about helping and her husband is the pied piper with all our kids. Another cousin's husband has a canoe and spends many hours on 4th of July supervising the canoe rides and fishing.

 

[LisaInNc]

So, don't tell me that people are busy--- cuz I get busy!

That was a joke which is why there was the smily guy laughing next to him.

You treat people how to treat you....if you don't like it do it different next year.

Lisa

 

[angwill]

Thanks for your support with this!! I think it's rude too. Glad I'm not the only one that thinks so! My DH agrees to a point, but it's his family, so he doesn't totally see it.
I know when I'm at their homes for different things I always pitch in and help out. So, it really hard for me to get why they are this way.
I should mention, we DO get along fairly well. Although, that is becoming harder for Me due to their behavior. I just can't help it!

I really think some people are raised differently and it is important that you be assertive and ask for help. Some people are raised not to go into peoples things like cabinets and drawers and don't want to invade your privacy. Those same people would have no problem getting stuff out of those places if you ask them to because then they have your permission. Just a thought.

I go to FIL's house and I set up everything because we come from far away and get there early. We also tend to bring most of the food with us. I have no clue where he keeps things and am always asking where stuff is and it annoys him. Then SIL and her kids show up eat, visit for a while and leave. I then clean everything up, do dishes, and put everything away. I wrangle help from DS and DH if I need it. If I had to wait for them to offer it would not happen and I am not going to do it alone. Again, like someone else said if people's personalities drive you nutso, drink it takes the edge off.

 

[foreUT]

Swirly Girls, you sound like a great hostess, but it sounds like it is time for a break. Let everyone know early in the year, it is going to be a hectic 2013 and you just don't think you can host everyone for the holidays. If others don't want to be responsible for all the tasks and expenses you are expected to shoulder, year after year, that is their loss.

I remember Thanksgiving quite a few years ago, when my children were babies, both in high chairs around the dining table, trying to feed each, after spending the entire morning cooking for my husband's family, and sil TOLD me she needed another roll (in kitchen, steps away). She and bil then took a walking tour of our quaint neighborhood, while I cleaned up. I NEVER invited them to my house again for a holiday dinner, and, of course, they never invited me to theirs. Luckily no one could read my mind when she asked for more rolls, although, if looks could kill...

 

[HeatherC]

OP..I totally understand what you are saying. Enough excuses for them... is common courtesy and common decency when you are invited to someones house to chip in and help out. Wouldn't we all want to teach our kids that?

I honestly don't care how "others" were raised, etc.. It is selfish and rude and of them. These are adults...not young children.

The problem is that you cannot change others behaviors...only how you react to it.

I would probably sit down with dh when things die down a bit and discuss how upsetting this is to you. Hopefully, the two of you together can work out a solution that will insure that you all enjoy the holiday next year.

You have my total sympathy! Just don't let them ruin any more holidays for you...and don't feel guilty about making changes.

Best of luck to you!!

 

[esk]

Swirly Girls, I'd cut that off right now. I mean, don't invite them next year. And it's not really the money, is it? It's about being taken for granted, about feeling unappreciated, about them making you feel like you're waiting on them, and that you don't get to enjoy your holiday.

I think it is how you (collective you) were raised....I was raised that when I go to someone's house, I help. I clear my plates, make my bed, chop veggies, strip the sheets when I leave, etc. DH was raised totally differently, and now, 22 years later, he does things my way (isn't THAT a topic for a whole other thread???)

But his family? I just grit my teeth every time we're near them. Which isn't often, because we live far away.

MIL came over for 10 days when DS was 5 months old, over Christmas and New Year's. We lived in Germany at the time, and they take the holiday break very seriously....everything shuts down. So in 10 days, she never -- NOT ONCE --- helped with the baby, helped with food, cleared her plate, she left her wet towels on the bathroom floor, or on the down comforter (grrr), wouldn't even let the dog out. Literally sat on the couch, TV on most of the time, and kept asking "aren't we going to go sightseeing?" It was frigid, almost everything was closed, and no, we were not going to go sightseeing. After she came to stay with DH while I was deployed, to "help" with the kids, I can't tell you the gunk I scraped out of my car, and the room she stayed in. Last time she visited, we put her in a hotel, which was better than having her at our house. But she still never ever said "hey, can I help with dinner" or even tried to clear the table. Also useless watching the kids....I don't trust her with mine, and while she was "watching" my 2 nephews, one jumped off the couch and hurt his arm on the dining room table and the other one almost set the room on fire by hanging plastic dinosaurs from the table lamp light bulbs. This was before they splintered our patio table with their plastic lightsabers.

My point, thanks for letting me vent, is that you can't pick you family, but you can pick how much you have to put up with them. Tell them you simply are not doing it next year....they can have you over, or you can celebrate separately.

 

[Angie789]

Swirly Girls, you sound like a great hostess, but it sounds like it is time for a break. Let everyone know early in the year, it is going to be a hectic 2013 and you just don't think you can host everyone for the holidays. If others don't want to be responsible for all the tasks and expenses you are expected to shoulder, year after year, that is their loss.

I agree on the break. I hosted Christmas at my house for several years (didn't have the extreme selfishness in my family members that you had to deal with, but I can relate to all the work, expense and feeling like you can't relax and enjoy your holiday). A couple of years ago I was pregnant with DD and because of some complications, I had to be on bedrest - so, no Christmas at our house that year! DH's aunt hosted and really enjoyed it! So, we talked about it and now we rotate - one year at her house, one year at ours. I love it - I still get to enjoy hosting everyone occasionally but I also get more relaxed Christmases, too. I say force their hand - completely bow out for a year and see what happens. Either way you get a break and you might find some new solutions in the mix so you don't have to go through this every year.

 

[angwill]

I was just talking to a friend about her holiday dinner this year and her vent was quite the opposite. I have experienced her holiday dinners a few years. She cooks everything and has everyone at her house but will delegate that people bring side dishes. She absolutely hates it when people get in her way to help her cook or even set out the food and will get cranky about it. She feels her kitchen is too small and others are just in the way and slow her down. After dinner her DH's family of 6 women all take over cleaning and that also annoys the heck out of her because as she says they don't know where things are and they are just tripping over each other and messing up her drawers and cabinets. Despite her best efforts she can not get them to even let her in her kitchen afterward. When I have been there and tried to help put things away she always grabs me away and makes me go outside with her to get away from the madness. I had to laugh and tell her about the posts here and how different people are. She does not let people stay over at her house though so that is never an issue.

 

[*Seanaci*]

Haven't read any replies. But we always have my brother, SIL, niece and nephew over for gift exchange on Christmas or after (varies every year due to SIL's family wanting Christmas day some years). We ALWAYS make a list of what food we're planning on having and give them a list of things to bring. And we make it a point to ask my brother and SIL to help with clean up...be it putting extra food away or doing a sink a or two of dishes. I figure if they're coming over to help dirty our house, they can help clean up as well.

As far as things getting broken/scratched...put valuables away in a room that no one will have access too. I always put away toys my son plays with all the time and would be heartbroken if they got broken or if pieces went missing. I put out the big box of Legos, cars or blocks beforehand. And I do not allow the kids (including my son) into his bedroom to get more toys. What I bring out is what gets played with. The only kids I have to see get bored are my niece and nephew. My son can play with Legos and cars for hours.

Maybe next time tell the extended family that the snow mobiles only run with gas...that you have not yet purchased. If they're willing to pony up 5 bucks each, let them have at them. Perhaps you can make it a group outing to watch the kids snow mobile..."let's all get some fresh air while the kids ride." I have no suggestions on the kids eating everything...my niece and nephew won't eat anything outside pb&j's or grilled cheese.

Good luck with your future get togethers!!

 

[MomToOne]

I thought I'd bring a different perspective to the problem, as the one who is always the guest...

I am forced into being the guest each year because we live the furthest away and heaven forbid anyone would ever travel to come see us. So since I want DD12 to value family, we make the trip every year. I would love to host just once and have the joy of seeing my daughter wake up Christmas morning in her own home.

But since no one else seems willing to travel,we do it - but that means by the time we make it to the family get together, I'm exhausted from the shear effort of traveling - packing, fighting airlines, etc. It takes all my energy just to stay awake and join in conversation.

And while my brother pays for all the food and drink, my travel expenses are at least five times that cost. But no one ever seems to think about that, at least not in my family.

And when it comes to cleanup, my family seems to get irritated when I attempt to pitch in but have to ask where things go, etc. Hey, I'm only there once or twice a year, sorry if I don't have the organization of your kitchen down pat or I don't do things exactly the way you do...

I think everyone needs to realize that getting family together is not easy for anyone. But we all suck it up because we've decided that's what is important. You can choose to be a guest instead of host, but that will also have its trials and tribulations. Just be careful what you ask for - you may very well end up being even less satisfied.

 

[Marlea98]

Hello,
I think your house sounds like a great place to spend the holidays. I bet your family really looks forward to staying at your house. Honestly, it sounds like they have no idea that everything you provide for them each year is really a hassle to you or gets on your nerves. (not in a mean way)

I agree they "should" realize this, but they probably don't. I bet they would feel really bad if they knew this was how you really felt, and would happily pitch in if you asked in a nice way like people in other posts suggested.

If I invited people over to decorate cookies and they all came over and we decorated cookies together then they left and I was frustrated that I always have to buy all the cookies and decorations, it wouldn't be very fair to them. I'm sure the guests would feel really bad if they knew I viewed them as ungrateful guests. It probably never dawned on them to bring something if I asked them over for a cookie party. Especially if its an annual thing and I always provided everything. Now in a perfect world I would love if they would think to offer to bring something, but I wouldn't expect it unless I asked nicely.

Honestly if I didn't have the funds to pay for the cookies I should have said something like, "lets do cookies at my house. Would you mind bringing some icing?" Etc and ask someone else for some sprinkles and so on. But to not say anything and the unsuspecting guests come and have a great time at the things you offer them, then leave and then talk about what they didn't do makes me feel sad for them.

No offense to you, I so get where you are coming from and it's so kind to let them come to your house and provide everything. They are probably creating lovely memories at your house, not realizing they are the guests from heck.

I always love to read pet peeves posts just to see if I do anything that is a pet peeve and don't realize it, so I can learn from it. So I cringed when I read your post because I felt bad for the guests who really had no idea that when you bring out the snowmobiles that its a sore spot with gas and them not going outside. They probably viewed it as a magical experience with their kids having a great time with your husband and family outside.

I always feel uneasy for this reason when invited to someone's house hoping I'm not stepping on toes, or doing anything wrong that they are secretly thinking. My sister has her house perfect, and will wipe down the walls while you are sitting there talking or mop under the table if you drop a crumb before you can bend over and pick it up. I am sooo self conscious over there. I can only imagine what she says when I leave. I once heard her talking about how mad she was that so and so walked into her living room and messed up her sweeper marks. I would have never realized that I couldn't walk in the living room and cringed to think how many times I may have walked in there not knowing I would be the talk of the house after I left.

I would much rather know what I'm doing wrong, than to have everything seem to go well but after I left know that everyone was feeling I was an awful guest.

Your house seems great and I think they all make magical memories there every year. Please perhaps follow the other great advice on here about how to nicely approach them bringing things. For the kids if you first smile and show them the punch bowl and explain there is plenty for all but to please take a small amount at a time and then go back for more. Then you can gently remind them again if they leave big cups sitting around. They will get the hang of it.

I'm sure many happy memories are made at your house at Christmas! That is a gift that is priceless!

What a lovely, thoughtful response. Thank you! It makes me think about how I might be perceived and how I perceive others.

 

[Marlea98]

I was just talking to a friend about her holiday dinner this year and her vent was quite the opposite. I have experienced her holiday dinners a few years. She cooks everything and has everyone at her house but will delegate that people bring side dishes. She absolutely hates it when people get in her way to help her cook or even set out the food and will get cranky about it. She feels her kitchen is too small and others are just in the way and slow her down. After dinner her DH's family of 6 women all take over cleaning and that also annoys the heck out of her because as she says they don't know where things are and they are just tripping over each other and messing up her drawers and cabinets. Despite her best efforts she can not get them to even let her in her kitchen afterward. When I have been there and tried to help put things away she always grabs me away and makes me go outside with her to get away from the madness. I had to laugh and tell her about the posts here and how different people are. She does not let people stay over at her house though so that is never an issue.

That sounds like FIL's new wife; it is now HER house and none of FIL's side of the family is allowed over without her permission or being there, the code on the door locks have been changed to new ones that only she, FIL and one of her friends know, and all of FIL's pre-her crockery etc is now relegated to the outdoor kitchen and hers is for their use inside only. And FIL seems to be okay with her slowly cutting him off from all of his family and friends!

 

[brertoad]

I think I need to vent a little too, been holding it in for a long time.

For years, my DH's side of the family has made such a big deal about Christmas, for many years we had to overspend on credit cards - trying to match their spending, all the women in the family are notoriously bad gift-givers. I have so much junk they have wasted money on sitting around our house. One year, I told them I would make it really easy for them and make a list of things that we like that they can choose something off the list in their budget and know that it's something we like. That year my MIL complained behind my back about how weird my list was to my SIL. It's like they can't hit the broad side of a barn, even with a fool proof list. We have to spend $1500 a year on them and get nothing back, I mean nothing at all, nothing useful. I don't even want to exchange gifts and they have forced it on us. The worst thing of all is that my husband and I don't buy each other gifts because of them, that is just horrible to me. I don't know about their finances, but we live frugally and we have made huge sacrifices to in order to have what we have, we live modestly and on a budget. Last year I told them we wanted a $25 limit per person, I thought that was fine - it doesn't stop them from doing their own thing, but it keeps them from making us feel like we are not spending enough on them and dragging us into their overspending. This year they said, buy whatever you want - no limits, plus my SIL has a new husband and he has like 6 family members that we had to buy for this year. If it's my SILs family... my MIL says "how high" would you like her to jump... So here we go again.

In 2004, my MIL refused to let my dying father (he had been fighting cancer for 9 years and we knew this would be his last) and my family come to Christmas Day at her house. For seven years me and DH had to split our holidays between his family and my family, I just wanted one Christmas where we could all just spend it together. I still can't get over it, being younger and more naive at the time I should have said I won't be coming to THEIR Christmas at all (ever). The things we endure...Christmas is hard for me. I feel that the meaning of Christmas has been lost, being together and being nice to each other everyday is what we all need. I'll keep trying not to be bitter.

Thanks for the ear.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

OP, I feel for you!
We have always hosted our family for Christmas. They live in Texas and we are up North, and everyone loves the "Christmassy feel" of all the snow, etc.
The last ones left yesterday, but I had already announced that next Christmas will be in Texas! The only one unfazed by this was son-in-law who cracked "good! It gives us a whole year to clean the house!"
I'm getting too old to put up with all the work and attitudes.....

 

[foreUT]

I think I need to vent a little too, been holding it in for a long time.

The things we endure...Christmas is hard for me. I feel that the meaning of Christmas has been lost, being together and being nice to each other everyday is what we all need. I'll keep trying not to be bitter.

Thanks for the ear.

First, a big hug for having to deal with drama on what should be a happy time for families.

A suggestion: early this year tell your IL's that you feel the meaning of Christmas has been lost and you are going to do something to restore it. Rather than giving "stuff", YOU and your dh are going to give gifts in the IL's names to a charity. My sis and I give to each other via contributions and it means so much.I give to Fisher House, which sends email confirmations of your contribution (without the gift amount, if you wish). I would phrase my intentions in the most "the reason for the season" way and INSIST they do the same for you. Don't weaken at the last minute and purchase gifts. Just make a contribution that makes you feel good and know you are making life better for someone else and yourself.

Whatever you decide, I hope the next Christmas is better.

 

[brertoad]

First, a big hug for having to deal with drama on what should be a happy time for families.

A suggestion: early this year tell your IL's that you feel the meaning of Christmas has been lost and you are going to do something to restore it. Rather than giving "stuff", YOU and your dh are going to give gifts in the IL's names to a charity. My sis and I give to each other via contributions and it means so much.I give to Fisher House, which sends email confirmations of your contribution (without the gift amount, if you wish). I would phrase my intentions in the most "the reason for the season" way and INSIST they do the same for you. Don't weaken at the last minute and purchase gifts. Just make a contribution that makes you feel good and know you are making life better for someone else and yourself.

Whatever you decide, I hope the next Christmas is better.

Thank you.

I love the idea of giving to charity, because to me that is a very thoughtful gift. With money being tight as it is, we have stopped donating a couple years ago, so that would be nice from my point of view. I don't know if the others will go along with it. Worst case, I just tell them we do not want to exchange. I'd rather treat them to a Christmas Party dinner out at our favorite pizza place.

 

[Swirly girls]

Wow, sounds like your in laws are very rude people. I'm sorry for what you put up.
At least my in laws aren't mean.
My hubby put his foot down a couple years ago about no longer exchanging gifts between the adults, and we longer exchange gifts between the kids either.
It was getting to be too expensive. We told in laws they could do whatever they wanted, but we would no longer be exchanging and that meant they no longer needed to buy for our kids either --- they get enough the way it is from my hubby and I and grandparents. It went over fine.
I just need to start delegating more. I guess my problem is, I'm too tolerate and too nice. I'm to the point that I don't really care who likes it, and who doesn't. If they don't like it, then they can stay home!
By the way, my in laws travel about 2 hours -- they don't have to fly. (Someone else posted she flies, and by the time she gets to her destination she's tired. )

 

[gray52]

Ok, am I the only one that gets annoyed with family at Christmas?
We have the holidays at our house.... DH's sisters and their families arrive the day before Christmas Eve, and stay until Xmas morning ( leave by noon Xmas day) then my side of the family comes Xmas day ( in the afternoon) just for the day.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but there are so many things that bug me.
No one brings anything for food or snacks ( except my mom) we supply all meals, beverages, and snacks for in laws while they are staying.
We have snowmobiles, and the kids ( nieces and nephew) of course all want to ride them. So, we have that expense as well ( this year it was over $100 for gas) to basically entertain their kids while they sit inside and take pictures thru the windows. While my hubby & my kids are outside, watching, helping, and driving their kids around.
In laws do not help clean up ( wash dishes, load dishwasher)
Every year something of mine either gets broken or scratched due to someone placing a camera or something on furniture.
I have nieces and nephews that do not have any manners at all, and will eat, and eat, and eat until food is totally gone, and then ask for more. Or fill up their glasses with punch, leave it sit and then come back to warm punch -/ so they dump and repeat. Adults say nothing to their kids either.
One more complaint, we have a few one uppers in our family. That is so annoying! It doesn't matter what we have, they have it too, are going to have it, have something better.
Oh my gosh I hope I'm not only one feeling this way!

This is sorta comical, in a way. You don't have an in-law problem... You have YOU problem. You let it go on, so it goes on. You want it to change, so change it.