Children Moving Out?

[kaytieeldr]

I think the difference is all caps vs caps on one or two words. All caps would be considered yelling. One word capitalized doesn't seem to be yelling, to me.

And, here we go, off topic, sorry......

ALL CAPS ON THE WHOLE THING IS YELLING.

All caps on just ONE word is emphasis, not yelling.

1. Bolding, italicizing, maybe even underlining can readily indicate emphasis. ALL CAPS indicates yelling.
2. I did not accuse anybody of yelling, but simply explained why somebody may/did interpret the capitalized phrase as yelling.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

1. Bolding, italicizing, maybe even underlining can readily indicate emphasis. ALL CAPS indicates yelling.
2. I did not accuse anybody of yelling, but simply explained why somebody may/did interpret the capitalized phrase as yelling.

You've been here plenty long enough to know that one word in all caps isn't yelling. Been that way around here since before we got here. Will be that way around here after we're gone.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Maybe in your world it is that in simple, but in the real world not as much. It is not like they don't know mom is done with them living at home or that they wouldn't want to live on their own. Rents are high and wages low.

Can I ask what they do for a living? Can any of them take on a second job? More money for them and more time for them to be out of the house for you. Win/win.

I think you are justified in wanting them to move onto the next phase of adulthood.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

You've been here plenty long enough to know that one word in all caps isn't yelling. Been that way around here since before we got here. Will be that way around here after we're gone.

I agree 100%.

 

[MrsPete]

I was literally under my mom's house--dating well let's just say it was a good thing I was in a committed relationship, friends never came to the house to hang out it was just awkward to do so, constant feeling of having to check in with my mom when I left for work (which for a few months was back in the college town), etc. In other words it was not the life for me. I was stifled and felt like I was back in high school again.

We've done well with transitioning our relationships from parents-children to parents-adults. My husband took a little longer than I did, but we've all come to a good point. It's our house, and we do have some rules that must be followed ... but we've figured it out together. The problems are never the things you think they'll be; for example, one issue for us was who'd be home for dinner ... we didn't like guessing how much to prepare or whether our vegetarian child would be eating.

couldn't we all use 200K in a retirement fund How long is she anticipating that taking?

She's a senior in college and has more than 10% of it already, and she's reading about being a landlord /bugging her dad to teach her about simple repairs around the house in anticipation of buying a rental house.

One of the things my DD does not like about living at home is me needing a heads up if she’s going to have someone over. I’m pretty introverted and spontaneity is not really my thing. Entertaining a bunch of friends? No. They're all a bunch of awesome young adults but that has the rest of having to give up our space. If she paid rent it might be different.

Sounds like a good example of, Ultimately it is your house, and you are entitled to make the rules.
My husband's personality is much like yours: he has to have his time /his space, and he needs to know things ahead of time. In terms of adult children though, it hasn't been a big problem. Our kids are good about letting us know things ahead of time ... and that's the biggest thing: communication.

They are almost 30 years old, for gods sake. They don't need their mother sitting them down and helping them make a plan. They're almost middle-aged and should be able to formulate their own financial plan for moving on into their adult lives.

Eh, nope. Some 30 year olds DO need help making a plan. And 30 year olds are certainly not "almost middle-aged".

100% agree with this. I was kicked out at 18 with nothing more than my clothes. I wasn’t even allowed to take my bed.

General rule of thumb, yeah, I wouldn't treat my children this way ... BUT I remember a student of mine (high school senior) from 2-3 years ago; her parents kicked her out with just her clothes. Had to leave her phone, her car, she clearly had no way to support herself. HOWEVER, I support the parents in this case. The girl moved out to live with her boyfriend, a boy who has been arrested multiple times for selling drugs, high school drop out, no job, estranged from his own family. He had already dragged her into the world of drugs. They wanted the girl to see what type of life he could provide for her. Awful situation. The parents told her she could always come home, but they would not help her create a life with this guy. How'd it end? Police raided their apartment, found loads of drugs + pot being grown in the closet. The guy at least had the decency to tell the police it was all his so she wasn't arrested along with him.

 

[disneychrista]

Can I ask what they do for a living? Can any of them take on a second job? More money for them and more time for them to be out of the house for you. Win/win.
I think you are justified in wanting them to move onto the next phase of adulthood.

You could ask but I don't think it makes a difference in this conversation. They both work 40+ hours per week and the younger one works 10+ hour days and commutes an hour each way.

Let's be clear it isn't only me that wants them to "move onto the next phase of adulthood."

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I know your comment got messed up but I know you meant to quote me on some things

We've done well with transitioning our relationships from parents-children to parents-adults. My husband took a little longer than I did, but we've all come to a good point. It's our house, and we do have some rules that must be followed ... but we've figured it out together. The problems are never the things you think they'll be; for example, one issue for us was who'd be home for dinner ... we didn't like guessing how much to prepare or whether our vegetarian child would be eating.

IMO it's not really about transitioning relationship. You can have the best relationship out there with the best shift and yet it not be in your best interest overall, aside from purely financial, to continue to live for years in your parent's house. It's more of an observation I've seen over time. Many focus on purely financial. Everyone would love to be financially golden for years to come--it's just not the only thing out there and you can have someone who has all the financial stability but lacks experience in other facets of life (general statement here).

My husband has a very very strong bond with his mom since day 1 but good lord nothing in this world would have made him actually want to stay on at his mom's house.

She's a senior in college and has more than 10% of it already, and she's reading about being a landlord /bugging her dad to teach her about simple repairs around the house in anticipation of buying a rental house.

That's awesome and amazing for her! Good job

I'm more or less saying for many people 200K would be a long time for saving and would the cost be worth it at that exact moment if you felt there was a cost to be had.

Not completely related but similar vein--When my husband and I talked to our financial advisor about our goal of owning a home when we were getting married he presented it like this--yes 20% down payment is amazing but if that meant you were paying rent for many years where rent doesn't earn you anything just to save up to 20%..well that may not be the best path to go especially because costs tend to rise. His point being sometimes you can wait and wait and wait. And sometimes that's not the best path. That's a general statement towards my point not aimed at you guys.

 

[disneychrista]

one issue for us was who'd be home for dinner ... we didn't like guessing how much to prepare or whether our vegetarian child would be eating.

Not sure what your solution ended up being but what works for us for many reasons is that everyone is responsible for themselves. I will make things or buy things and let them know they are welcome to enjoy some, mostly because there is no way I am going to eat it all.

 

[wenrob]

We've done well with transitioning our relationships from parents-children to parents-adults. My husband took a little longer than I did, but we've all come to a good point. It's our house, and we do have some rules that must be followed ... but we've figured it out together. The problems are never the things you think they'll be; for example, one issue for us was who'd be home for dinner ... we didn't like guessing how much to prepare or whether our vegetarian child would be eating.
She's a senior in college and has more than 10% of it already, and she's reading about being a landlord /bugging her dad to teach her about simple repairs around the house in anticipation of buying a rental house.
Sounds like a good example of, Ultimately it is your house, and you are entitled to make the rules.
My husband's personality is much like yours: he has to have his time /his space, and he needs to know things ahead of time. In terms of adult children though, it hasn't been a big problem. Our kids are good about letting us know things ahead of time ... and that's the biggest thing: communication.
Eh, nope. Some 30 year olds DO need help making a plan. And 30 year olds are certainly not "almost middle-aged".
General rule of thumb, yeah, I wouldn't treat my children this way ... BUT I remember a student of mine (high school senior) from 2-3 years ago; her parents kicked her out with just her clothes. Had to leave her phone, her car, she clearly had no way to support herself. HOWEVER, I support the parents in this case. The girl moved out to live with her boyfriend, a boy who has been arrested multiple times for selling drugs, high school drop out, no job, estranged from his own family. He had already dragged her into the world of drugs. They wanted the girl to see what type of life he could provide for her. Awful situation. The parents told her she could always come home, but they would not help her create a life with this guy. How'd it end? Police raided their apartment, found loads of drugs + pot being grown in the closet. The guy at least had the decency to tell the police it was all his so she wasn't arrested along with him.

First two quotes are not me.

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

You could ask but I don't think it makes a difference in this conversation. They both work 40+ hours per week and the younger one works 10+ hour days and commutes an hour each way.

Let's be clear it isn't only me that wants them to "move onto the next phase of adulthood."

Have they brought up any ideas/plans to facilitate a move for themselves? Are roommates an option? I’m in my late 20s and I live with roommates; housing here is too expensive for the wages. It was even worse when I lived in NYC; 3 of us women sharing a 1-bedroom apartment. But we made it work.

 

[disykat]

The last time my oldest lived at home was summer after freshman year. He was a tech guy, so had a job before graduation. He rented with roommates, then two of them bought a house as an investment and rented out the other rooms to pay the mortgage. When he married at 26, he had always had roommates and had some equity built up.

My younger son was a liberal arts major so came home to job hunt. It didn't seem to weird to him since he'd come home to work summers because he had a good job in our hometown. He worked/job hunted for about nine months then started his dream job. It involved going to the police academy, and it didnt make sense to get something when he was going to be living at academy 5 days a week for nine months. We never thought he'd live with us for almost two years after college, but he moved out at 24, making enough money to easily rent his own place in a town where he doesn't know anyone. He's hoping to get a roommate sometime though. It just makes so much more sense financially.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

You could ask but I don't think it makes a difference in this conversation. They both work 40+ hours per week and the younger one works 10+ hour days and commutes an hour each way.

I think knowing what they do for a living has a huge impact on the conversation. If they are in the education field, they could tutor on the weekends. Or if they are in nursing, they could do home healthcare on the weekends.

Maybe they could do Chegg when they aren't at work.

Perhaps wait tables? My friend's son is a waiter on the weekends and makes an incredible wage. He is in a position where he doesn't even need to do it financially anymore. But the money is just too good to pass up.

Maybe they can look for a career change or they can look in a more affordable area. Are their job skills transferable? It would be very disheartening to work 40+ hours a week and not be able to afford to live on your own.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I guess I'm having a tough time understanding why 26/28yos would still be choosing to live with Mom and Dad when they have degrees and careers. Especially with a 2-hour daily commute. I could see doing that for a few months, while I got my resources together (security deposit, line up a group living situation), but it doesn't sound like a good long-term plan. If rents are high, look at shared living--right out of college, DH lived with 3 other people in a 4BR house. Currently, DD24 lives in a 3BR apartment with 2 other people. This is hardly a new or unusual approach.

Bottom line, it seems like the OP has a lot of excuses/rationales for why her adult children are still with her. Bottom line, though--if you make it too easy for them to stay, they'll never leave the nest. Personally, I'd be working on a date certain for them to move out. They sound mature and capable. I would also add that there's a lot of value in having to manage on your own--juggle the bills, do minor repairs, make your own dentist appointments. Heck, at 28, I had a degree, career, husband, and I'd owned a house for 5 years.

 

[Searc]

I guess I'm having a tough time understanding why 26/28yos would still be choosing to live with Mom and Dad when they have degrees and careers. Especially with a 2-hour daily commute. I could see doing that for a few months, while I got my resources together (security deposit, line up a group living situation), but it doesn't sound like a good long-term plan. If rents are high, look at shared living--right out of college, DH lived with 3 other people in a 4BR house. Currently, DD24 lives in a 3BR apartment with 2 other people. This is hardly a new or unusual approach.

Bottom line, it seems like the OP has a lot of excuses/rationales for why her adult children are still with her. Bottom line, though--if you make it too easy for them to stay, they'll never leave the nest. Personally, I'd be working on a date certain for them to move out. They sound mature and capable. I would also add that there's a lot of value in having to manage on your own--juggle the bills, do minor repairs, make your own dentist appointments. Heck, at 28, I had a degree, career, husband, and I'd owned a house for 5 years.

Same here, but add two kids to that. Someone choosing to live with their mommy at almost 30 years old (who isn't in a crisis situation) is mind-boggling to me.

 

[ronandannette]

Same here, but add two kids to that. Someone choosing to live with their mommy at almost 30 years old (who isn't in a crisis situation) is mind-boggling to me.

OTOH - this really is a cultural expectation we have that’s pretty unique to North America. In most other places in the world (including Western Europe) most people don’t leave home until they marry and are ready to start families of their own, and sometimes not even then. Multi-generational living is just how it’s done.

I think over the past 150 years our (mostly) steadily increasing affluence has evolved in such a way that it allowed for those choices. But somehow the tide is turning slightly; maybe due to the modern expectation of higher education and the crushing cost of it? Home ownership is seen as the foundation for wealth-building, and it’s encouraging to hear how many DIS offspring have apparently achieved it, but for the younger ones just coming of age now, many fear they never will.

 

[disneychrista]

I think knowing what they do for a living has a huge impact on the conversation.

How does it impact the conversation of what age your kids moved out?

Yes, it could be helpful if I was asking for advice or help in getting them out. But I'm not. Remember just because someone has vented doesn't mean that are helpless in the situation.

I would also add that there's a lot of value in having to manage on your own--juggle the bills, do minor repairs, make your own dentist appointments.

And how does living at home take away from this? I haven't helped them with these things since they started working. Their bills are their bills. Their appointments are their appointments. And I would say there is MORE value in being able to do these things before they are are out on their own.

 

[Searc]

How does it impact the conversation of what age your kids moved out?

Yes, it could be helpful if I was asking for advice or help in getting them out. But I'm not. Remember just because someone has vented doesn't mean that are helpless in the situation.

My response to this would then be if you don't want to do anything about making them move out, stop complaining. Change the situation or quit venting about it.

If you want a different outcome, make different choices.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

How does it impact the conversation of what age your kids moved out?

Yes, it could be helpful if I was asking for advice or help in getting them out. But I'm not.

Yes. As I explained above, knowing what they do for a living could be very helpful.

But, wow. You don't want advice? You just want to vent to strangers about adults that won't leave your home. You don't have the solution to help these adults. And you don't want others to offer solutions?

People are being nice here and you are not reciprocating.

Best of luck in your situation. I can now see why it is occurring.

 

[disneychrista]

You don't want advice? And you don't want others to offer solutions?

Im not asking for advice because I don’t need it. Does everyone think that the ideas of roommates or second jobs are unique.

You can say I’m not being nice. That’s your opinion. I already thanked everyone for the unsolicited advice. I know people are just trying to be be helpful. My vent was in response to another posters similar vent.

My one daughter just told me her boss is still living at home. It is not unique.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

I have a cousin who is 31... showing no signs of moving out of her parents' house. They have said that she is just waiting for them to die so that she can take over the house.

That was the same plan of one of my male cousins. He's about 65 now. He returned home after college, never married, and continued to live with his parents until they died. Now he lives there alone. Apparently his parents never had a problem with it. I have no idea if he contributed financially.

Sounds like my friend of longest duration. We met in college in 1978. After graduation, he moved back home and stayed there. Never got married or had any type of relationship as far as I know. I've stopped asking questions decades ago. At about age 30 he even went with his parents when they moved into a 55+ community. He could well afford to buy a house by that point. His father died about 8 years ago and his mother died last year. So now he's "legal" in that community at age 60.

Someone choosing to live with their mommy at almost 30 years old (who isn't in a crisis situation) is mind-boggling to me.

It's baffling to me too, but if both the parent and the adult child are OK with the situation, what business is it of mine?