Cancelled/Rebooked - Severe Mother Guilt

[disneygal58]

Hello All,
My DDs - aged 18 and 19 were originally booked on the January 3rd sailing of the Magic. Due to a variety of factors (one being the fact that DD Meagan wishes to be back in Colorado a few days before she resumes classes on the 12th) we cancelled that sailing a few weeks ago and discussed rebooking at a later date for the end of next August before she attends Fall Semester. Each day as I would mark off another day on the calendar, the old countdown number taunted me. Today in a moment of weakness, I phoned DVC and discovered that we have enough points to cover the February 7th sailing for two. I booked it for DDErin and myself. Now, Meagan is a kind, compassionate, understanding young woman who happens to love DCL. How do I break the news to her and alleviate the mother guilt over bringing only one daughter on the cruise?

Help!
Dawn Hope

 

[Favorite Auntie]

WOW! That is going to be a tough one.... I have 3 older sisters, and I know that my nose would be bent out of shape if my parents took a different sister on the cruise and I could not go. This actually did happen a few times in the past, I got over the jealousy every time....the difference being that I DID NOT have a future cruise booked. Your daughter will still have the cruise in August to look forward. I would just tell her that you decided that you could not wait for the summer and there wasn't a time that her scheduled allowed all of you to sail together before then. She will understand I am sure....

 

[goodstarr]

Maybe her guilt in returning to school early, making you cancel your previous trip, equals your guilt in not taking her in February Then the guilts cancel each other out!

 

[Kimnicki]

Dawn, I'm a little confused. Your trip was for you and 2 DD's in January, and you rescheduled for you and 1 DD in Feb? Will Meagan be going alone in August or is there no August trip? I think if it was me, I would be hurt to know my mom couldn't hold out 6 months for me to go! I'm not trying to add to your guilt just trying to understand.

 

[disneygal58]

The three of us will do the 4 night Wonder together in August before she returns to Colorado and the Fall Semester. We are very close to one another and would be supportive to the other if the opportunity arose for any one of us to be able to sail. Still, as a mom I feel guilty.
Dawn

 

[Michelle]

I'm not sure I understand either. You re-booked with one daughter for February in place of taking both daughters in August? Or do you plan to still take both daughters in August?

I agree with the others, if in fact you're only taking one daughter with no trip with both of them I WOULD feel slighted if I were the daughter left behind. Sorry, I'm a mom too and don't want to add to the guilt, but I would definitely find a time you can take both girls if at all possible.

 

[disneygal58]

I am taking both Meagan and Erin in August and only Erin in February. Due to Meg's school commitment we cancelled the original cruise for the three of us. Erin and I had planned to do a shorter cruise sometime during the winter to hold us over until the rescheduled family cruise in August. And we have typically done some type of long weekend after Meg leaves to go back to school - it is our way of coping with (and having something to look forward to after) saying goodbye to the daughter/sister that we will miss terribly.
I am very close to both girls and have always found time to spend individual time with each of them. My guilt comes from doing something on such a large scale without one of them. We choose the Eastern itinerary because we know that Meagan loves the Western itinerary.
Now I am feeling worse about my decision,
Dawn Hope

 

[mjvans]

other than you might have wanted to talk to your daughter before booking the cruise......this way, at least you'd have known in advance how she felt, and what her reaction might be ........I think I would just go with my gut, and if it doesn't feel right now, I doubt it is going to feel good come cruise time! Don't know if you can cancel since you used your points, and I don't know you individual circumstances or your family dynamics, but I personally could not go on a cruise without bringing all my kids. I think if you need to find something in the interim to share with your daughter until August rolls around, I would take a short little vacation that does not involve a cruise. Or, here is another possible solution, take one daughter in February, and the other daughter in August...........don't know if that is an option, but I think it is the perfect way for both to experience a cruise with you
We are going on the Wonder in August and although it is a long time away, we are already looking forward to it and counting the days. Would I prefer another time? Yes, but this is the only month that works for everyone's school, sports and work schedule. We are working it around my thirteen year old's summer commitments to sports, and I'm not crazy about August, I also know I could not get on a boat without him!!!
Michelle
Michelle

 

[Kabuli1]

Dawn,

Don't get eaten up with guilt! That is not productive. What you need to do is talk to Meg and see how she feels! A little communication goes a long long way. If you are close and she can be honest with you, you'll find out how she feels! She will probably understand! Of course she's going to want to be with you - but it was her decision to not do the longer trip in January. This is all part of the choices of growing up. Talk to her, not to us!

Oh, and let us know what happens!

Karyn

 

[disneygal58]

Karyn,
Thanks for the reminder about guilt being unproductive. I am certain that Meagan will be fine and tell us to go and have a good time. I think that we access a latent guilt gene during labor and delivery.
The decision was impulsive and I suppose I was looking for a little support from others who may have faced a similar situation. My mother reminded me that I did not attend/participate in all family vacations when I was in college and 20 years old (Meg will be 20 next week). I have been a single mother to my two girls forever and we have always acted as a trio. Perhaps this is a beginning step in letting go and moving forward into the years when I will be a solo act? So many families have older teens that would not want to do Disney and I have always considered myself blessed to have daughters that still enjoying hanging out with mom.

Dawn Hope

 

[Michelle]

Since you ARE taking both girls in August that paints a whole 'nother picture. I would only be concerned if you were cruising with only ONE daughter and the other had no chance to cruise with you.

I think if you plan something special with Meg down the line that would help to "balance out" everything. You're right that once kids hit college age it gets more difficult to schedule vacations together. I'm glad you have your vacation for the three of you and I would go with Erin in February and plan some mom and Meg alone time in the future, if Meg understands and agrees.

Good luck!

 

[Kabuli1]

Dawn,

Letting go is a really really hard thing. I think we all have that guilt gene. I think this is a very good growing up time for all of you! I have taken my DD on a cruise and am taking her again in January (you ought to join us on the 1/31 Western - cheaper and I'll have my DD (almost 18)! I have never taken one of my DS's (older than DD) - but I did homeschool one of them which I didn't do for the others and have spent weeks at music camp w/ one etc etc. It's not always equal shares. But each one knows they are loved and each is unique! This will be an amazing time for you to be with Erin. Have a wonderful time. You and your girls are so lucky to have each other!

Karyn

 

[CRB#33]

I would think that it would be nice if you could make sure that you plan something equally as special with Meagan in the future.

May I'm just being petty, but if I had a younger sister who went on a cruise with my mom without me, as much as I would understand, it would still hurt.

 

[Ginny]

Dawn -

I think as Karyn suggested, you should simply talk to your older daughter. Explain that, in addition to the August cruise for the three of you, you are planning a February cruise with Erin. You know your girls best and we all react differently - sometimes, for me, even on the same day!!

My mother would always take both my older sister and I for individual trips and leave the other daughter home with our father. It was our special time with my mom to talk about our issues and create our own memories. Now, as my sister and I share caring for our mother, though Mom may not remember those trips, we sure do and those wonderful memories help see us through a very challenging journey.

Talk with Meagan and, perhaps, plan a "special" time with her in fall 04 or Spring 05! Growing up is about learning independence but, also, about giving...............and, putting things into perspective.

Have a wonderful time on both cruises!!

 

[disneygal58]

I bend over backwards to divide my time/attention etc... equally between my girls. Meg and I have done several solo weekends without Erin and vice versa. And the girls are now beginning to plan their own individual outings with each other - I am thrilled. Each experience is treasured either as a pair or trio.
Thanks for the input and the reminder that I know my little family better than anyone.Family dynamics are complicated, especially when there has been a breakup of the traditional unit. Meagan has never been on the short end of recieving(or giving for that matter). My daughters are generous with their time and affection and support.
I hope that you all enjoy your upcoming voyages, no matter who is able to attend.
Dawn

 

[Disney1fan2002]

OK, I was originally going to post a reply to you that would kind of say, "yeah, you deserve to feel guilty" Because when I first read you post, I could not imagine doing that. If we go an a vacation of that nagnitude (DCL) thne, if 1 kids goes, they all go.

But.....I continue to read the other posts in this thread, and I came across you said something about being 20 and in college. It hit me. I now am going to say try not to feel guilty. WHy? Because my kids are only 7, 5 and 3...and when they are 20 and in college, they are going to need to realize they are now adults, and the family can and will find other things to do without them if they are away at college or have their own work schedule they can't change, ect.

You have said many time is this one thread that Meaghan will understand. You know your daughter. Have fun, and buy her a really nice souvenier!!!!

 

[Tiiiigergirl]

I wouldn't feel guilty although I too understand the mother gene. And since my son is adopted I don't think it has to do with labor and delivery it must come someplace else! But I think your older daughter selected school as a priority (and rightly so!). She is leaving the nest and can't expect to be included on all the events that happen at home unless she wants to include you in all the parties and activities that she's involved in. No theres a picture. Do you want to attend a frat party?! You accomodated her wishes and moved the cruise. Then you figured out a way to add an earlier trip. The youngest child usually gets to have more expensive outings/presents because parents have more money. If she is the type of girl that you have described, then she is probably smart enough to understand the growing up and away dynamics. The fact that you did it without even thinking is very telling too. Your first impulse was that this was OK. Usually that means that it is. It was only later that you started second guessing yourself. My theory is that the guilt gene is located somewhere on the extra piece of the the second X chromosome since my husband and every other man I've ever met does not seem to posess it!

 

[eye R.N.]

First of all don't feel guility.

Here is my rational, It was your daughters choice to return to school early and in effect, cancell your cruise. You could have chosen to go without her, but instead you've chosen to go in Aug with her.

What you do in Feb with the other daughter shouldn't come into it. I have three kids, I have taken them on vacations and trips one at a time, and we have taken family vacations without one member if they have had other commitments.

You can and will tear yourself up if you live your life making sure everything is absolutely equal between the girls. Life just doesn't work that way. Enjoy your special time with Erin. My solo trips with my kids are some of our best memories.

 

[disneygal58]

Again, thanks for all of your input. Meg has been on 4 DCL cruises in the past and will have August to look forward to (as well as snowboarding in the San Juan Mountains during the school year and surfing in Cocoa Beach during her summers with me). I have to remind myself that my daughters ARE growing up. At age 20 I never went on another family vacation with my parents as their "child". If the girls were younger and both at home, this would have never been an issue.

Thanks for the kind words,
Dawn

 

[brack]

My son is now 30 and has gone with us to WDW many times in the last 20 years. We just took a crazy one day trip (7 hour drive one way) to WDW this past weekend with him. We have also gone without him (sometimes his wife won't let him go ... remember the commercial?) Sometimes it just doesn't work out so don't feel guilty. There are going to be times when they can't go and that doesn't mean you have to stay home. Treasure the times they do go. They are great memories even now but those times with the better half alone are also great !

ps: We're going to you miss on our cruise.