Calling all Step-Moms...

[mybabesuz]

Do your step kids call you by your first name?

DH doesn't think it is appropiate for his 7 year old DD to call me by my first name...

I don't see any other option...

She has a MOM... I don't want to be that...

So what do all your stepkids call you?

Also any ideas of how to warm things up a little would be great.
I still feel like the Evil Step Mother when she is around...
We are taking her to Disney in July, Maybe that will help...

 

[dbal]

Mine call me by my 1st name. My stdd's were 7 & 5 when we got married. They are 19 & 17 now.
Do some things that she likes. Rollerskating, movies, board games are a great way to get to know each other without having to focus on each other. Also I remember taking them to the dollar store and letting them pick out make-up, nail polish, etc and having a girls night.
I always have left discipline up to my dh and their mom. Let her talk about her mom freely w/o judgement. It's an adjustment and honestly I always think of it as a dance. Sometimes you have to be careful not to step on toes.

Why not ask her what she would like to call you? Maybe the 3 of you can come up w/ a name you all agree on.

Good luck. It's not always easy, but I'm very lucky to have my step dd's in my life.

 

[friendofgusgus]

If DH doesn't want you to be called by your first name, then he needs to come up with an alternative.

Your gut is right - mom is NOT acceptable.

My stepkids call me by my first name but they met me years before I was married to their dad so other than "Ms. So-and-So" there really wasn't much choice.

I am guessing from your post that this role is fairly new to you. How long have you been a stepmom?

 

[mybabesuz]

Actually... We have been Married for 4 years.

We have a 2 year old DD and 3 year old DS.

I think that complicates things a bit more.

I would really like her to feel more like part of our family.
We have her every other weekend and one night a week for dinner.
But it still feels like she is just a Visitor.
We try to do things but it is hard with the little ones around.
DH takes her out for some one on one time alot.

 

[livie1205]

mine calls me by my name and my son call dh by his name but they do sometimes call us mom or dad...its their choice,we do not make them they do whatever they are ok with and we are ok with it.

 

[Youarehere]

I call my step mother and my step father by their first names. They have both been in my life for over 30 years. My real mom and dad are "Mom" and "Dad". My step parents love me the same, but aren't looking to replace the originals. I would feel weird if I was ever required to call them something they weren't. Maybe they could call you "Stom"

 

[storzo]

My stepson has always called me by my first name. Now he is a husband and dad. His wife also calls me by my first name and we haven't come up with anything for his kids yet. He says grandma is ok but I don't feel right with that - it's for his mom, just like mom would be. I'm thinking they'll just call me Michelle too.

 

[flying_babyb]

I have a freind who was in a simlar situation. Her step daughter calls her mommy niki now but stated off calling her niki.

 

[dbal]

I think you should do more things as a family. I didn't realize you also had a family w/ your dh.

Since you are an established family, what does she call you now? I'm not saying she should'nt spend alone time w/ dad, but that might be reinforcing the evil stepmom thing. I know it's hard w/ little ones- but try to plan some activities around what she wants to do. She may be feeling like the 5th wheel when she comes to visit.

Is she into Disney? On the family board there is an ongoing thread on doing Disney theme nights- dinner/movie. This would be a fun way all the kids could enjoy counting down the days until your trip. Let each kid pick a movie/theme every weekend.

Does she have her own space and her own things at your house? It may seem more like home if she has a small room or area to call her own.

I know sometimes those weekends when she visits may seem hard, but it's easier when you have things to look forward to.

 

[lsyorke]

Mine always called me by my first name...they were 5 and 9 when DH and I started dating.

 

[pyrxtc]

my SDD doesn't call me anything right now. She basically ignores me and then when she HAS to talk to me, she waits until I talk first or she is looking right in my face so I know she is talking to me.

It wasn't always like that. She called me mom for a long time until she hit the teen years and I became the enemy. I have been her step-mom since she was 5 and she is 14 now.

I don't feel it is wrong for her to call me mom. I am in the group that thinks you shouldn't call one of your parents by their first name, step-parent or not. If she wanted to come up wiht some sort of derrivative, she could but hasn't. My half sister called my mother mom her whole life but she is not her bio-mom. She calls her bio-mom mother. My sis and SDD have had lots of talks about issues that come up in being a SDD but she has now blocked my sis out too. (At least I'm not alone there.)

OP, maybe you and your SDD could think of another endearing name to use. What has she been calling you for the last 4 yrs? Depending on your heritage, she could call you Mem (french derrivitave) or Ma'am out of respect.

I don't like my young children calling thier friends parents by their first name either, it should be Mrs. Last name or Miss first name.

Also, Storzo, What is wrong about being called Grandma? Lots of kids now ahve 3 and four grandma's and grandpa's. It happens. My kids call all of your parents a form of grandma. They even call my exes mother Nonny just like my DD.

 

[flying_babyb]

Also could you have her put Mrs. in front of your name? It would at least demand some respect. I mean I teach and all my kids call me Miss Jenny which allows a freind relationship but also allows athorty.

 

[wvdisluv2]

I was always called by my first name by my step-son (we lost him in a car accident in 2002 ) I started dating his Dad when he was 12. He "lovingly" called me "step-monster" on occasion My son calls my husband by his first name~he's been his step-dad since my son was 4 yrs old.

 

[TEENEE]

My dss calls me by my first name. My kids call dh by his first name. I am not dss mother and don't plan to replace her. I don't think a step child should be forced to call a step parent mom or dad. Forcing her to call you mom could cause resentment. In time she may want to call you mom or maybe she will come up with a (nice) nick name for you. To me, putting Miss or Mrs in front of your first name would make her feel like more of an outsider than she probably already does. Just my 2 cents as a step daughter and step mom.

 

[Breezie]

I'm not a step parent, but come from a blended family. I have always called my Step-Mom her first name. My 12 year old step-brother has always called my Dad by his first name. I see nothing wrong with it.

When I was younger and much sassier I would have had a big problem calling someone 'Miss/Mrs. Nancy' or what have you.

 

[TriMom]

Tough one - I understand that you don't feel mom is appropriate - and I think that Miss mybabesuz does not portray a close relationship. Maybe talk with her and come up with a nickname together? IMO you first name is fine. Also maybe talk to DH and see why he objects?

My niece's step-father is Brandon. She calls him Brandad. I think it's cute.

 

[bumbershoot]

He says grandma is ok but I don't feel right with that - it's for his mom, just like mom would be. I'm thinking they'll just call me Michelle too.

What about Grandma Michelle?

Though if there is no mom anymore, I think it's OK to be grandma...


OP, first name. I'm the stepkid and have been since I was around 7. Always by the first name! One stepmom and two stepdads...always the first name. Occasionally my current stepfather and I refer to each other as father and daughter, but that's only every so often, and not TO each other.


But then, I also called my mom by HER first name, starting at 4, and it was fine. I respect my mom a gazillion times more than I respect my dad, who has NEVER allowed me to call me by his first name (his sons with my stepmom however generally call him by first name, but they do it as a slap in his face b/c they know how he feels about it and they lost their respect for him a LONG time ago). Respect is earned. It isn't automatically given by calling someone by their title. DS calls me by MY first name, too, while calling hubby Papa. Seems to respect us equally.

What does your stepdaughter want to call you? HOw do you think SHE feels? She might feel completely differently about her visits than you do. I bet my dad and stepmom felt differently about my visits than I did.

But no matter what, unless mom is absolutely long dead or in jail or strung out and completely useless and OUT of your lives..."mom" and variations are for mom, not stepmom, UNLESS stepdaughter wants to use it and you are comfy with it.

So I'd stick with first names.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree that there is nothing wrong with a child calling the step parent by their first name. My sdd's have been with me since they were 7 and 9 and are 16/18 now and they have always called me Kelly or Kel depending on how much money they want! My children always have called dh by his first name as well as their step mom. No issues. When they are out in the world they refer to me as mom, since most of their friends have not met their mom as she lives on the other coast and hasn't been here since 2000. So alot of their friends think I am their mom. Same for my kids, their dad is military and really has not lived closer than 2 hours since the divorce.

I would plan on having a girl's day with her from time to time when she comes to visit. Maybe a pedicure/manicure time and have dh watch the younger siblings. When the girls were younger we did things like that to try and get to know each other, a matinee etc. She is at a difficult age right now, starting to detach and become for independent. And she only sees you guys on weekends, so she really may feel "home" is with her mom. All her friends are there etc. If she can invite a friend to come with her to dinner. The more you appear to want to know her friends and what is going on in her life the easier it will be for her to feel comfortable and be 'part' of the new family.

Good luck..it is hard. The girls have lived here full time since 2000 and you would think it would be easier. But, you are right..you are not her mom and the only thing you can be is like a 'big sister' or authority figure she can trust. As she grows into a teen, trust me you will need these moments of closeness to get through it!

Also, my older sdd has a little girl, she calls me Grandma Kelly and her mom's mom Grandma *name*. No confusion. My grandchildren call my dh PaPa and their parent's dad 'grandpa *name*. Lots of kids have more than one grandparent so its easy to come up with something!
Kelly

 

[Frye7127]

I have been in my DSD life since she was 2 1/2. She called me by my first name and when we got married, it was Mama XX, but her mom had a fit, so she went back to the first name. Now she calls me Sassy. It is what my niece calls me, she liked it, and that is that. Fine by me. She is now 18, so she call me whatever she pleases without too much fuss from the other homefront. I really didn't care what she called me, as long as she called me. We have always had a great relationship luckily. The great thing about being a stepmom is you CAN be their friend and not the parent. DSD knows that no matter what, I always have her back and she can always count on me for secrets, trouble, etc.

Get her involved with her siblings. That is the most important thing. You want her to feel vested in your family too, not just her mom's, so that she feels a part of everything. DSD and I were always together until I had my DS and then my husband picked up and spent a lot of time with her. DS was sick a lot, so I had a lot more demand on my time. Once the little ones are down, just lying in bed with her and talking can strengthen that bond.

 

[NMAmy]

My stepdd has always called me by my first name but DH and I did not marry until she was a teen. DD has known DH since she was 8--she refers to him by his first name. It was funny when she was young and she'd be introducing us to her friends, "This is my mom. And this is my Alex." Like everyone had an Alex.

She has always referred to her stepmother by her first name, as well. I'm her mom and it would have really bothered me if she'd called her stepmother "mom," as well. Her dad felt the same way--he didn't want dd calling her stepfather "dad." So, we were all on the same page on this issue.