Calling all Step-Moms...

[cheermom1]

I don't know if this has been suggested since I didn't read them all but i have a friend that her step kids called her Mama Dawn. they did all on their own. however my stepsons call me Linda my first name but sometimes they have called me Mom i just don't say anything i let them call me what they feel comfortable calling me you don't want to force them into calling you something they aren't comfortable with it will only reinforce you being the evil step mom. now my kids call my dh Dad b/c he is their dad. their father left when they were 3 mths and 1 yr. and never saw them again so different situation. if you don't want her to call you by your first name or mom (which I understand) then come up with something else but let her in on helping to choose a name it will help her to be comfortable in what she calls you and it would be a great bonding time for you guys. good luck.

 

[brockash]

Do your step kids call you by your first name?

DH doesn't think it is appropiate for his 7 year old DD to call me by my first name...

I don't see any other option...

She has a MOM... I don't want to be that...

So what do all your stepkids call you?

Also any ideas of how to warm things up a little would be great.
I still feel like the Evil Step Mother when she is around...
We are taking her to Disney in July, Maybe that will help...

I'm not a step mom, but I have a step mom. I've always called her by her first name. What else would I call her? What's your husband wanting her to call you? If he's wanting her to call you mom, I would NOT allow it. That's going to cause a lot of problems, and is really not fair to the daughter. As far as ways to warm things up... I'm not really sure, I think it just takes time. I was not the nicest person in the world to my step mom when I first met her (although I wasn't horrible) but we ended up being pretty close, and as I got older there were things that I would talk to her about, that I wouldn't to my mom or Dad (although I'm sure they ended up knowing.) I think it's just important to not pressure her, give her time, but just let her know that you're there for anything she needs. I also wouldn't get involved in any of the disciplining her really; obviously if you're the only one there with her that's fine, but any of the big stuff I'd leave to mom and dad. Maybe you could try to do some stuff alone with her...maybe have a girls day out or something.

 

[mybabesuz]

How long did you two date before getting married?


Girls are harder I think to deal with than boys, but with patience and time you might can break through.

We dated for 15 months...
Met when she was 2 1/2, married when she 3 1/2..
Had DS a year later and DD 13 months after that...
Now she is 7 almost 8...
She lives with her Mom and Grandmother.
I don't think she enjoys the younger kids much.
Little brothers can be rough and DD is only 2...

I have basically known her all of her life.
She probably has no memories before age 2.
So things have always been as they are now.

 

[Disney Doll]

But remember, Suzanne, she's still just a kid herself. 7 year olds are not small adults.

Add to it a non-cooperative mother and you have a child who has to deal with all this "adult" crap, and she's 7!

 

[ilovejack02]

Oh another thought ( LOL what is this my 5th post ?)

I also tried to make sure DH had his alone time our son and still do.

Maybe you two also should try to have time with just the three of you and leave the little ones with a sitter every once in awhile and then of course include her on as many family outings too.

If we ever had anything going on special and didnt have B at the time, we called and asked if we could have him. Alot of times we were told NO but we never stopped trying.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I am a step mom. The girls call me by my first name most of the time. I have been in their lives since they were 5 years old, they are now almost 12 (they are twins). Last year I married their dad and they asked if they could call me mom and I politely told them that I think that might hurt their mom's feeling so they could call me Heidi. They pretend to slip up and call me mom which is fine by me but I don't make a big deal out of it, I just don't want to hurt their mom's feelings as we have a good relationship with her. They call my parents grandma and grandpa.

I make sure to have "girl-time" with them. We get them on the weekends and on Saturday night the three of us have girl talk. They look forward to this every weekend and we talk about anything and everything. I really feel close to them and I think this has helped them to really feel close to me. I also take them to do special activities once in a while, whether it be a manicure, a shopping trip, or snorkling at our local rec center. Their mom thanks me for being so involved and take time with them.

Last weekend, one of my SDD's stated to me that she was really glad that I truly loved them and not pretend to love them only when they are around like other step moms. I have no idea where they got that from, but I am guessing one of their friends at school! They also asked that if their dad and I got a divorce, who's house would they go to (kids come up with the craziest things!).

 

[cheermom1]

But remember, Suzanne, she's still just a kid herself. 7 year olds are not small adults.

Add to it a non-cooperative mother and you have a child who has to deal with all this "adult" crap, and she's 7!

I agree I have been a stepmom for almost 6 years and in the beginning is was hard b/c of their mom but as time went on it got easier but you have to give her time and be there let her decide what she wants to call you. tell you dh that if he thinks she needs to call you something specific then he figure out what that is and tell her that you will not have any part in it. but i would also tell him that he shouldn't force her to call you anything she isn't comfortable with. she needs understanding she is getting crap form her mom now she is getting crap from her dad....see what I mean?

 

[livie1205]

In our home we act as a reg family...not a blended family.We (dh and I) both handle punishments and rewards with all the kids...the kids like it this way,they think of our home as their primary home (for lots of reasons) this is where are feel the most comfortable.I handle most of the school stuff like making sure homework is done and teachers meetings (SAHM) and my dh handles it if its not done lol I take care of all the drs appt and vaccines (dss mom does not even know where the dr office is!).

All familys are not like this but this works great for us.We also do not have other parents who help a lot or do a lot of "family time" so to speak.I think kids should be allowed to figure it out for themselves..if they are closer to their step parent and call them mom or dad then the parent should figure out why this is.
I never understood the theory that a step parent should not handle punishments and importent stuff... if my ds step parent got onto him for doing something wrong then good...he should behave in her home.I am not threated by someone making my son follow rules.We do not get along well with my dh ex or my ex but they both understand that we are both the adult in our home and do not have a problem with us doing this.I have grounded my dss for getting in trouble at school and made sure to let his mom know so she could ground him also and most of the time she does.If my dh grounds my son I stand behind that.I think the kids are fine with this is because they can see we are a strong family and it makes them feel secure.

 

[bellebud]

I'm a step child on both sides of the family, my dh is on 1 side.

I just want to say, very cleary, I really disagree w/ the Miss XXX thing. That is the worst thing you could do, in my opinion. That would put a solid wall between you.

What's your dh's issue w/ your first name? If he must have something different, then how about Aunt XXX? That's more of the step-mother's role anyway, adult relative/friend.

If she doesn't already have a room in your home, is there something that can be done about that?

How does she feel about her younger siblings (yours and dh's kids)? Is the relationship close? Blended families can be hard - I hope you can make her feel part of the family, and not a visitor. Does she live close, where more time can be spent together? Even if it's you or dh picking her up from school another day a week, having a snack, doing homework, and taking her home (if mom doesn't want her having dinner out 2x's a week).

there's a divorced family in my dd's class, and the ds lives w/ the mom. When he gets off the school bus at school every morning, his father is there waiting to walk him into school and stay for prayer/pledge (many parents stay for prayer/pledge, so it's a normal thing). I also very often see his dad picking him up from school. His dad is at every single function, parent meeting, open house, (and so is his mom, and they totally don't speak or even look at each other, but they're both there). I'm just wanting to give you ideas, so maybe you'll think of something that could work w/ your family and schedule. I think quantity time is important (just as important as quality time). Sometimes the space between the visits can make a child feel like a 'visitor'.

What about other things that would make her feel like a part of the household? a small allowance, for keeping her room (if she has one) neat. I don't think too many chores is good either though - then the kid has double chores (home and your house). some parents don't tie allowance into individual chores and just give it for being a part of the family, and for just being responsible for oneself (taking your own plate after dinner to the sink, hanging your own coat and putting shoes away, little things like that).

Do you guys make it clear to her that there are 3 children in your household? Her, and your 2 little ones? She might need to actually hear this often. That she's 100% a part of this family. Sometimes we 'assume' other people know things, and they just don't, especially kids.

When you send out christmas cards (or whatever), is her name always on them? Little things like having her sign her own name to a family card might help a little. how about an american girl magazine subscription (or any kid magazine) that gets mailed to your house? so when she comes over, she'll have mail there, at her other house. I'm just trying to think of ways to make her feel your house is her house too. maybe have 'family meetings' once in a while when she's over, just going over stuff like where next summer's vacation will be, where you'll all eat out next month, what you'll plant in the garden in the spring... family stuff that might get decided when she's not there.

hope everything turns out well! it's so great how concerned you are about her and the situation - you're a great stepmom!

 

[A4Disney]

My husband calls his step father by his first name.They were married when my husband was 7 also.Actually every person with a step parent I know does...I think the Mom/Dad titles would only work if the bio parent wasn't involved in that child's life at all.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Just one more idea on the closeness issue comming from a former teacher and wathcing divorced families and stepmoms and seeing which kids seemd to feel the most comfortable with their various family memebers.

If you are a SAHM--maybe you can arrange at time to volunteer at her school or in her girl scout troop, etc. on a regular basis (reading mom once a month, room mom planning parties, mom who brings snacks to Brownies, etc.). This put you there and around and doing soemthing for HER without the little siblings on a regular basis to build the feeling htat you care baout her and do mom type things just for her and just lend familiarity without putting on any extra stress to make a specific girls day, etc. work. This will also give you a chance to get to know her friends, teachers, etc. and then you will haev more "regular" stuff to talk about when she is at the home you all share which might help her feel more like a family memberand less like a guest.

 

[MrsKreamer]

My Dad has been remarried for 20 years, since I was 7. His wife is mom to her face or Sharon when speaking about her. My mom is not offended by this. She knows she is my mother, but Sharon is also my parent.

I asked Sharon when she married my dad what I was supposed to call her. She thought for a second and shrugged, "Whatever you want to call me" So at first I called her "Aunt Sharon" because she had nieces and nephews and that's what they called her. Mrs Sharon was weird, and would have made me felt like an outsider. After a while mom just felt right.

Sharon doesn't introduce me as her step-anything. I am her daughter and my kids are her grandkids.

My advice is to ask her what she wants to call you.

 

[rie'smom]

My son has always called my husband by his first name. DS' dad died when he was 10 and when introducing us to people, he says," I'd like you to meet my mom (my name) and my dad (DH's name). Dh has always introduced my son saying, " This is my son, (DS' name).
I really think adding the Mr. or Mrs. isn't right. After all, that's what you call your teacher or an adult who is not close to you, or even a stranger. Hopefully, a step parent has a closer relationship with their stepchild than that.

 

[brockash]

I'm a step child on both sides of the family, my dh is on 1 side.

I just want to say, very cleary, I really disagree w/ the Miss XXX thing. That is the worst thing you could do, in my opinion. That would put a solid wall between you.

What's your dh's issue w/ your first name? If he must have something different, then how about Aunt XXX? That's more of the step-mother's role anyway, adult relative/friend.

If she doesn't already have a room in your home, is there something that can be done about that?

How does she feel about her younger siblings (yours and dh's kids)? Is the relationship close? Blended families can be hard - I hope you can make her feel part of the family, and not a visitor. Does she live close, where more time can be spent together? Even if it's you or dh picking her up from school another day a week, having a snack, doing homework, and taking her home (if mom doesn't want her having dinner out 2x's a week).

there's a divorced family in my dd's class, and the ds lives w/ the mom. When he gets off the school bus at school every morning, his father is there waiting to walk him into school and stay for prayer/pledge (many parents stay for prayer/pledge, so it's a normal thing). I also very often see his dad picking him up from school. His dad is at every single function, parent meeting, open house, (and so is his mom, and they totally don't speak or even look at each other, but they're both there). I'm just wanting to give you ideas, so maybe you'll think of something that could work w/ your family and schedule. I think quantity time is important (just as important as quality time). Sometimes the space between the visits can make a child feel like a 'visitor'.

What about other things that would make her feel like a part of the household? a small allowance, for keeping her room (if she has one) neat. I don't think too many chores is good either though - then the kid has double chores (home and your house). some parents don't tie allowance into individual chores and just give it for being a part of the family, and for just being responsible for oneself (taking your own plate after dinner to the sink, hanging your own coat and putting shoes away, little things like that).

Do you guys make it clear to her that there are 3 children in your household? Her, and your 2 little ones? She might need to actually hear this often. That she's 100% a part of this family. Sometimes we 'assume' other people know things, and they just don't, especially kids.

When you send out christmas cards (or whatever), is her name always on them? Little things like having her sign her own name to a family card might help a little. how about an american girl magazine subscription (or any kid magazine) that gets mailed to your house? so when she comes over, she'll have mail there, at her other house. I'm just trying to think of ways to make her feel your house is her house too. maybe have 'family meetings' once in a while when she's over, just going over stuff like where next summer's vacation will be, where you'll all eat out next month, what you'll plant in the garden in the spring... family stuff that might get decided when she's not there.

hope everything turns out well! it's so great how concerned you are about her and the situation - you're a great stepmom!

These are all very good points. I think a lot of it depends on how often she's with you and DH, but just know, especially when there are other kids in the house that are there all the time, it'll be very easy for the SD to feel like a vistor, and somewhat of an outsider to the family of 4, just be very careful and sensitive about that.