Boys and Public Restrooms

[Mkrop]

Even sending in your older boys by themselves into men's bathrooms can be dangerous. We know from experience.

I have four boys. My oldest two are now 11 and 9. My youngest two are both 4. I let my oldest two start going into the men's room by themselves when they were 7-8. I always stay outside the bathroom door and wait for them and never thought about their safety in the men' bathroom.

Then two years ago when they were 9 and 7, they had a terrible experience in the men's bathroom at Target. They had a man approach them in the bathroom. They were both in their own stalls, and he started talking to them while they were going the bathroom. He asked them their names and how old they were. He asked them what they like to do. He said he was fun to play with and liked video games. He said other stuff to them too. He was also looking through the cracks of the stalls at them, with his eye pressed right up against the stall. My boys said they got in the very back corner of the stall.

When they wouldn't answer him, he starting scaring them. He was banging on the stall doors. He acted like he was washing his hands and leaving. My boys said they would hear the water run, the paper towel rip, and the door open and shut. He would do all this, but not leave. My boys said he did this a few times. My boys knew he was still in the bathroom because they looked under the stall door. Since they still wouldn't come out he tried scaring them some more. He said he would wait as long as it took for them to come out. He told them he would be waiting for them.

This all took place for about 7-8 minutes. I was getting worried or thought maybe they were messing around. I did knock on the door and yell their names. I didn't look in, I just knocked and yelled their names. They came running out very hysterical. It was awful. The sad thing is, is that this creep must have walked out right in front of me, and I had no idea that he had been preying on my boys.

We did call the police and fill out a report. The only description my boys could give was the color and type of his tennis shoes because they had looked under the stall so many times to see if he was gone. The police looked through the whole store and stood at the doors to look for these tennis shoes. They also looked on the security camera footage. They never could find him, and the police assumed he just left after not being successful getting my boys.

Anyway.... One really bad experience like that will make you see that safety is really important. Even older boys are at risk. My boys were traumatized for weeks after that. I was too. I felt like the worst mom in the world to send my boys into the bathroom by themselves. For a while after that I made them come into the women's bathroom with me because I was just so freaked out.

We are extra careful now. They still go to the bathroom by themselves, but they know now that if they need me, all they have to do is yell and I am right outside and I will hear them.

I wish more places would have family bathrooms. We always look for these first.

what an awful experience, I am glad your boys are ok

 

[meandtheguys2]

Read my above post. Maybe this child is in a small percentage but I dont want my child to part of ANY percentage, I dont care how small, that he is a victim of a crime.

I know that you and I will not EVER agree on this issue. However, children that are not encouraged to become independent really do miss out developmentally. My child could be hit by a car walking to the neighbors house. They could be molested by one of the members of our church, scouts, 4-H, or, even family. How much would they lose out on by avoiding those situations. Keeping a child in a cage is cruel. And it is no wonder that boys are having the issues they are in this day and age. There are kids nearly old enough to impregnate someone, but their moms make them go into the women's room.

Teaching to live in fear, and that they are always potential victims is stealing from the potential of a child's life. Age appropriate steps into adulthood are how kids test themselves and the world, in their reach for maturity.

A child who has issues, is a far different bird. Those must be adjusted to on a situation by situation basis.

 

[DisneyKT]

Even sending in your older boys by themselves into men's bathrooms can be dangerous. We know from experience.

I have four boys. My oldest two are now 11 and 9. My youngest two are both 4. I let my oldest two start going into the men's room by themselves when they were 7-8. I always stay outside the bathroom door and wait for them and never thought about their safety in the men' bathroom.

Then two years ago when they were 9 and 7, they had a terrible experience in the men's bathroom at Target. They had a man approach them in the bathroom. They were both in their own stalls, and he started talking to them while they were going the bathroom. He asked them their names and how old they were. He asked them what they like to do. He said he was fun to play with and liked video games. He said other stuff to them too. He was also looking through the cracks of the stalls at them, with his eye pressed right up against the stall. My boys said they got in the very back corner of the stall.

When they wouldn't answer him, he starting scaring them. He was banging on the stall doors. He acted like he was washing his hands and leaving. My boys said they would hear the water run, the paper towel rip, and the door open and shut. He would do all this, but not leave. My boys said he did this a few times. My boys knew he was still in the bathroom because they looked under the stall door. Since they still wouldn't come out he tried scaring them some more. He said he would wait as long as it took for them to come out. He told them he would be waiting for them.

This all took place for about 7-8 minutes. I was getting worried or thought maybe they were messing around. I did knock on the door and yell their names. I didn't look in, I just knocked and yelled their names. They came running out very hysterical. It was awful. The sad thing is, is that this creep must have walked out right in front of me, and I had no idea that he had been preying on my boys.

We did call the police and fill out a report. The only description my boys could give was the color and type of his tennis shoes because they had looked under the stall so many times to see if he was gone. The police looked through the whole store and stood at the doors to look for these tennis shoes. They also looked on the security camera footage. They never could find him, and the police assumed he just left after not being successful getting my boys.

Anyway.... One really bad experience like that will make you see that safety is really important. Even older boys are at risk. My boys were traumatized for weeks after that. I was too. I felt like the worst mom in the world to send my boys into the bathroom by themselves. For a while after that I made them come into the women's bathroom with me because I was just so freaked out.

We are extra careful now. They still go to the bathroom by themselves, but they know now that if they need me, all they have to do is yell and I am right outside and I will hear them.

I wish more places would have family bathrooms. We always look for these first.

Im so glad all is better with your family. And that your boys found the innerstrengh to stay in the stall.


This is why I will do what I feel is best for my children. Until I feel its safe.

 

[Mkrop]

I know that you and I will not EVER agree on this issue. However, children that are not encouraged to become independent really do miss out developmentally. My child could be hit by a car walking to the neighbors house. They could be molested by one of the members of our church, scouts, 4-H, or, even family. How much would they lose out on by avoiding those situations. Keeping a child in a cage is cruel. And it is no wonder that boys are having the issues they are in this day and age. There are kids nearly old enough to impregnate someone, but their moms make them go into the women's room.

Teaching to live in fear, and that they are always potential victims is stealing from the potential of a child's life. Age appropriate steps into adulthood are how kids test themselves and the world, in their reach for maturity.

A child who has issues, is a far different bird. Those must be adjusted to on a situation by situation basis.

No we wont bc I respect other parents to make decisions for their own children not have me tell them how to do things.

My children are not kept in cages and they participate in many of the activities you listed, but even with those I make sure precautions are taken. I have them join activities where the leaders have to be carfefully monitored and background checks are done. I dont just send them out into the world by not checking out certain siutations. To me that would be irresponsible as a parent. I also encourage independence but I think our outlook as to what is truly independent differs greatly.

I have mentioned before that my mother as a single mom raised my brothers the same way and go figure they are productive, well adjusted members of society. I think I will respect that experience.

 

[robinb]

This happened yesterday in a nice upscale suburban neighborhood, so please dont tell me that it doesnt happen by strangers. It does. We need to learn to protect our kids from strangers and the people (coaches, teachers etc) and we need to do what we can to protect them.

I never said it doesn't happen. I said that the vast majority of assaults are done by people the children know and trust. That being said, no one (and I mean NO ONE) tells their kids it's OK to get into a car with a stranger. I am not against the kind of programs that the little boy in your story attended and I am pleased that it worked for him! But, you cannot rely on those programs alone. Nor can you keep your boys at your side and protect them for their entire life. They also need the tools and the freedom to be able to grow up to be confident kids.

One more thing ... Bravo to tnmomof4 for installing her boys with a healthy fear! They knew that the man meant them harm and that saved them. {{hugs}} It must have been very frightening for all of you!

 

[Mkrop]

I never said it doesn't happen. I said that the vast majority of assaults are done by people the children know and trust. That being said, no one (and I mean NO ONE) tells their kids it's OK to get into a car with a stranger. I am not against the kind of programs that the little boy in your story attended and I am pleased that it worked for him! But, you cannot rely on those programs alone. Nor can you keep your boys at your side and protect them for their entire life. They also need the tools and the freedom to be able to grow up to be confident kids.

One more thing ... Bravo to tnmomof4 for installing her boys with a healthy fear! They knew that the man meant them harm and that saved them. {{hugs}} It must have been very frightening for all of you!

yes I understand what you are saying Robin and I think it is imperative that we instill our kids with the proper tools bc we can not be with the 24/7 but I think where we part ways is I dont think that anyone should pick and arbitrary age to tell parents when they should allow their children more independence, that is up to that family and maybe even the indivdual child within the family.

The age I pick for my child to do something may be different from yours and it should be respected.

Like we may differ on what age they can walk to a friends house, who is to say who is right and who is wrong. Maybe the age you will allow you DD to date may differ from some else or their curfew, or when they can drive with other kids etc.

I just dont think it is fair of me to tell other parents what age they should allow their child to do things because each child is different and each family dynamics is different.

So yes I have chosen to allow my older DS to use the restrooms alone but I dont know if my age is the right age or not, maybe I am way off base, it is not my job to judge them

 

[PrincessPAC]

The age I pick for my child to do something may be different from yours and it should be respected.

I just dont think it is fair of me to tell other parents what age they should allow their child to do things because each child is different and each family dynamics is different.

I agree. My boys (6 & 9) usually go to the bathroom together, but don't think that Mama Bear isn't standing right outside the door, ready to open the door and yell for them if I feel that they are taking too long or I get a bad feeling.

Also, if DS9 isn't around when DS6 needs to go to the bathroom - I take him in the women's. For one thing, I usually have to remind him to flush (and sometimes wipe ), but also because I feel that he is too young to go in the bathroom by himself. So far, no one has ever said anything to me, and I have also frequently seen other mothers bring their 6-ish year-old sons in the bathrooms with them and never thought anything about it.

If anyone did ever say anything to me, I would probably either ignore them or apologize and explain that I feel he is too young to go in the men's by himself. I have to say that I never realized this was such a touchy issue until I saw it here on the DIS.

 

[asfarrell]

Thought I would join in.
My son is 8 1/2 (as he says). He goes to the bathroom with Dad or he goes with me...end of discussion! It only takes a minute to ruin a life or lives!
I don't care who is offended or thinks he is "too old".
One of our job as parents is to protect our kiddos.

He better hope I let him go to Prom without me (that's just a joke )

 

[lunabkat]

I don't have boys, but my girls are 7 and 9 and I have JUST started to let them go to the bathroom alone (together that is) and its only if I have a clear view of the bathroom, and I meander over sometimes if I think they are too long (5 mins) they don't mind my checking up. Its all whatever your comfort level is. Imean, maybe that 9 year old had something happen to him, or the mom did, whatever, who cares. The only issue is if the kid is "peeping" and if he is there with his mom, I don' think he's going to do that. I am certainly not going to base what I do with my kids on what someone ELSE feels is right for THEIR kid.

People may certainly be holding on tighter to their children these days, they should, its a far scarier world than it was when most of us were children. All you can do is what you feel is right and allow others to do the same.

 

[meandtheguys2]

People may certainly be holding on tighter to their children these days, they should, its a far scarier world than it was when most of us were children. All you can do is what you feel is right and allow others to do the same.

The only thing that is scarier is the media attention. The statistics have changed very little. Our generation just doesn't have the common sense of my mom's or her mom's.

 

[lunabkat]

Well, I don't know about that, I will have to try and check it out. I find it hard to believe that it isn't easier and more common for pedophiles to prey on children in the day of computers. Also, populations more people, more sick people.

 

[lunabkat]

Unless, of course you are twenty or so, in which I could be your mom and that may be true to a certain extent. It is definately scarier out there now than back in the 40/50's when my parents were young. And although it didn;t seem as bad in the 70's, still my parents and my friends parents used to let us run around the neighborhood all day, h ome for lunch, home for dinner. I wouldn't dream of giving my kids that kind of freedom today, who knows where they would end up.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

From RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network)

15% of sexual assaults and rape of children were under age 12
29% are ages 12-17

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims knew their attackers
34.2% were family
58.7% were acquaintances
____________________

From the statistics I guess we should have boys ages 12-17 in the bathroom too. I mean that is a pretty high percentage - especially when you consider that at that age you would think they have more protection against predators.

 

[lunabkat]

You know what, if you take your kids and I take mine, there's always going to be two parents in the bathroom so I say go for it and keep the kids safe. I like the family style bathrooms many places have today. Just because your child is a boy is not a reason to take a chance.

 

[brenalexacamp]

when my son was about 10-i let him go in the men's room and i would hold the door open and listen and keep talking to him
I know I must have annoyed a lot of men.............

now my other ds has down syndrome-he is going to be 15 next week

he comes with me even in the ladies dressing rooms when he HAS to-few times a year?

i plan so he doesn't-but sometimes i need to try stuff on him.

he cannot go into the men's room alone- i don't think he would come out-he would "play" and touch stuff-seat-etc...maybe play a trick on me and lock himself in- gross!!


I really don't care what anyone says-he is not leering at anyone

until they put a coed dressing room in every store-like american eagle-

oh well........

 

[lunabkat]

Just keep doing what's best for your guy and everyone else can just deal

 

[Mommy2cody]

My son just turned 7. I am just starting to think about letting him go into the mens room alone. So far I haven't gotten a funny looks or have anyone say anything, but I know the time is coming. I ALWAYS make my son go to the restroom before we leave the house just so I can hopefully aviod the whole issue while we are out. I do try to use family restroom or single stall restrooms as much as possible. I will also use the least crowded restroom. Like at walmart, the more crowded restroom is up front by the door. I will take him to the back restroom with the single stall and stand outside the door. I would rather get funny looks then have something happen to my son.

 

[cjl]

I think it's ridiculous that anyone thinks they should have a say in what's right for another family. Who knows if it's actually more dangerous now than back when we were kids. Doesn't matter. One look at the family watchdog site will show you just how many pervs are in your neighborhood.


I know for me I'd rather be paranoid than regretful that I failed to protect my kid.

So for us, when I decide to let my son use the men's room alone will depend on our own assessment of his maturity and our surroundings.

 

[lunabkat]

From RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network)

15% of sexual assaults and rape of children were under age 12
29% are ages 12-17

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims knew their attackers
34.2% were family
58.7% were acquaintances
____________________

From the statistics I guess we should have boys ages 12-17 in the bathroom too. I mean that is a pretty high percentage - especially when you consider that at that age you would think they have more protection against predators.

How many were assaulted in bathrooms?

 

[lunabkat]

I think it's ridiculous that anyone thinks they should have a say in what's right for another family. Who knows if it's actually more dangerous now than back when we were kids. Doesn't matter. One look at the family watchdog site will show you just how many pervs are in your neighborhood.

And really? I don't care what the statistics say about who it is that does the molesting. I'm going to do what I can to protect my kids. Statistics don't mean a darn thing when it happens to your family. Being a super independent latchkey kid at age 8 didn't serve me too well 25 years ago when I was followed home from school by a stranger and molested in my doorway.

Innocently posting normal, regular pictures of my son on Flickr was enough for some random online perv who added his pic to his favorites among a bunch of photos of young men in their underwear.

I know for me I'd rather be paranoid than regretful that I failed to protect my kid.

So for us, when I decide to let my son use the men's room alone will depend on our own assessment of his maturity and our surroundings.