Boys and Public Restrooms

[aubriee]

My son just turned 7. I am just starting to think about letting him go into the mens room alone. So far I haven't gotten a funny looks or have anyone say anything, but I know the time is coming. I will also use the least crowded restroom. Like at walmart, the more crowded restroom is up front by the door.

Now see, my thinking is the opposite. No way would I let my GS go into a restroom with only one or two men in it. Nor would I allow him to go into one where there is no one in there. If someone was to walk in after him, I'd be in a panic. Logical thinking would tell us that if that restroom was full of dads, that they would all immediately jump on anyone in there that made any untoward move toward a kid. Think about it, if a woman was doing something suspicious or to frighten a little girl in the ladies room, wouldn't you step in to protect her? It's the restrooms where a child might be alone with a pervert that are scary.

The other thing is to teach our kids that not all adults are nice and if they meet one who they have the slightest doubt about or who is making them nervous for any reason to start yelling bloody murder. I would rather have a kid be wrong about a really nice person, than take a chance of not being able to yell later. Again when my GS is around 7 y/o I would expect him to be able to go into the mens room, size up the situation, do his business, wash his hands, and get the heck out of there. He needs to be independent, but at the same time cautious. That's part of growing up. Now a kid with a developmental problem is a whole different issue.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Unless, of course you are twenty or so, in which I could be your mom and that may be true to a certain extent. It is definately scarier out there now than back in the 40/50's when my parents were young. And although it didn;t seem as bad in the 70's, still my parents and my friends parents used to let us run around the neighborhood all day, h ome for lunch, home for dinner. I wouldn't dream of giving my kids that kind of freedom today, who knows where they would end up.

70's kid, here, too.

I still let mine run the neighborhood, and our farm.

 

[lunabkat]

70's kid, here, too.

I still let mine run the neighborhood, and our farm.

Mmmm, lucky you, a farm is a great place to grow up, lucky kids. I bet they have a dog/cat or two that follow them around too, that would be so nice...

My kids have a dog that follows them around, but its only in the yard. Too much traffic to let a dog run around free around here, and we live on a secondary road, too many people, too small a space....

 

[ncmtnmom]

Protecting your child is your right and responsibility. I am a mom of 4 boys! Ages 17, 13, 6 and 5. My young ones go into the ladies room with me whenever their Dad is not with us. They will continue to do this until I am comfortable letting them go into the mens room alone! Anyone that doesn't like it can kiss my you know what! When my older boys were about 10 and 4 repectively, they went into our local Wal mart's mens room together. Thank Goodness the older boy was with his brother!! My oldest had to grab his little brother out of there because some nasty old man had come up and put his arm around my younger boy and said totally inappropriate things to him. Even though he had been taught to scream, run, kick, etc. He was scared and just kind of froze there.

My oldest boy quickly grabbed his brother and they ran out of there!! They came running to me, scared to death!! We reported it to Wal Mart security and they called the police and searched the store for the guy but never found him. He probably left as soon as they ran out of there!! If I would have found him I'd have castrated him on the spot!!!!

Therefore, like it or not, my younger boys will go in with me when we are out alone!! I don't care who it offends!! I will not worry about that situation again!

 

[Sugardimples]

I don't understand why any woman would object to someone keeping their son with them. Another thing I worry about is how fathers who are out with young daughters deal with this situation. Taking a girl into a men's room is very different than taking a boy into the ladies room. How do they cope?

 

[meandtheguys2]

Mmmm, lucky you, a farm is a great place to grow up, lucky kids. I bet they have a dog/cat or two that follow them around too, that would be so nice...

My kids have a dog that follows them around, but its only in the yard. Too much traffic to let a dog run around free around here, and we live on a secondary road, too many people, too small a space....

Bummer. We live in town, but in a quiet place, with plenty of friends, and lovely neighbors that watch out for each other.

 

[robinb]

70's kid, here, too.

I still let mine run the neighborhood, and our farm.

Really?!??

60's kid here and also I let my DD have the run of the block. Our neighbor hood is great and we all look out for each other .

I really have two points here. One is the freedom issue and allowing kids to stretch their wings. IMO, If you are a fearful parent and don't allow your kids to take risks then they will grow up very sheltered and not ready for the real world. However ... as a parent it is totally within your rights to raise your kids any way that you wish.

My other point is: what happens when your right to raise your child the way that you see fit intersects with the rights of the community or other individuals? Now there's the rub. Our American society has segregated restrooms by gender and as such there is an expectation that only people of that gender may use them. For instance, when a man enters a mens room he does not expect to see a middle-school girl in there with her dad, even if her eyes remain carefully averted. The same goes for a ladies room.

This is my last post on this thread. If you have something to say to me, please PM me. The thread has officially gone down-hill now that someone has invited people who don't think older boys belong in the ladies room to "kiss their you know what". I just can't discuss things in a rational manner with folks like that so I'll leave instead .

 

[kelma]

I have a friend who is a psychologist and works in the prison system. There are just so many really sick people out there. He swears his boys won't use the men's bathroom alone until they're adults ( I think he's exaggerating a little )

I think everyone has to decide what is right for their family, but my 7 year old still has to go to the women's room with me. Yes, he *probably* would be fine, but probably just isn't good enough for me.

I also have a 9 year old dd who wouldn't even bat an eye if she saw a boy classmate in the bathroom, especially as she does all her business in the stall and never comes out with her pants down talking about periods and neither do I, but after reading some of the comments on this thread I wonder if we're the exceptions ?

 

[lunabkat]

I have to say we don't walk around the public restrooms with our pants down talking about periods either

 

[rt2dz]

I have not read all the replies, but here’s mine. I have three boys—7, 4, and 2. I don’t know what the “magical” age is. Actually, I feel there is no “right” age, but appropriateness based on each child’s maturity and the situation. We go for the family restroom whenever possible. DH always takes them to the men’s restroom if he is there. But when there is no family restroom or DH isn’t there. It’s tricky.

There is no way in hell I would leave DS7 standing in the mall or a department store while I used the women’s restroom. He’ll be coming in with me, thank you. Let’s not forget Adam Walsh. He was 6. Most victims are in the littler older age range because they don’t have the maturity needed and parents let them out of sight because “they have to grow up sometime”. When I use the restroom, DS comes in the stall with me, and turns around. Not that he would see anything, but that leaving out is still leaving him vulnerable.

As far as letting him go alone…depends. His elementary school does all school skates. It’s only his school at that time. Most kids (K-4) and moms; there are a few dads, but not many. I keep a close watch on the door, but he can go by himself. At the mall, sorry, he can’t go alone. I’ll let him go into a stall by himself and stand just outside. If we both have to go, we go in the same stall. I can’t help but always thinking of that little boy (wasn’t he 9?) who was in the men’s restroom with his aunt standing just outside the door when some man came in, slit his throat ear to ear, and walked out. After 10 minutes his aunt came in looking for him. Too late. There was another restroom thread on here a year or so ago and someone, with a better memory than me, was able to provide a link to the article. It was big news at the time.

Call me over protective, but we’ll never know. Millions of people drive around every day and are never in a car accident; does that mean we shouldn’t wear seatbelts or use carseats? No. It’s because you never know when it will be you. My sister used to leave her keys in the car all the time. She would leave her house unlocked during the day. She left her garage unlocked all the time too. She doesn’t anymore. She was at someone’s house (extremely nice neighborhood) talking to them at the door; someone stole her van. The police recovered it three days later, crashed, and completely stripped. The next month, someone went into their garage at night when they were sleeping and stole everything but the cars. And the chief of police and an FBI agent lived on her street. She now realizes it won’t always be someone else.

I love your response. It’s calm, cool and direct. I really think women who have a problem with little boys (were not talking boys going through puberty here, but kids that are still more oblivious than not) using the women’s restroom with their mother, have their own hang ups. At our last trip to WDW, I don’t know where DH was, I took DS7 (then 6) into the women’s restroom. When he came out of the stall, I told him to wash his hands. I was washing mine for some reason and he was standing next to me. I told him again to wash his hands. He said he did. I said then he must not have done it right he did it so fast, so do it again. He groaned and started to do it (again?). The older woman next to us smiled and told DS that one day he would be thankful that his mother cares enough to teach him right. She had no issues. I don’t run into many that do. I see little boys in the women’s restroom all the time. Oh my gosh! They see women washing their hands and stall doors. How traumatizing.

Anyhow, when you feel comfortable, when you know your child can recognize dangers, when you know that they’ll wash their hands properly, is the right age. Or the start of puberty. People’s views probably depend on their environment—not that it changes safety. Criminals don’t usually live in the nice, expensive neighborhoods, but that is where they rob. Someone who lives out in the country in an extremely small town are certainly not going to feel the same way as someone living in one of the five largest cities in the country on this issue.

 

[rt2dz]

I admit I do not like boys in the womens bathroom - nor do I like them in the locker room at my gym while I am naked.

I am going back and reading the replies now. I have to say that our gym states on the locker room that boys ages 9 and older are not to use the women's locker room. Of course, our gym has private changing facilities (about a dozen) marked "Family Changing Rooms". They obviously recognize that not every 9 year old little boy should be in the men's changing room. And, yes, I do know that for a fact to be the reason for the family changing rooms--I know the director of the gym and she insisted on them for that reason. Otherwise, those rooms would have been storage closets.

BTW--A changing room is completely different from a restroom and I agree that I wouldn't want a boy in elementary school in a changing room. That isn't appropriate.

 

[rt2dz]

This is why my 7 year old Ds will still come into the woman's restroom with me.

http://www.cnn.com/US/9811/16/boy.killed/index.html

Hey! That's the article I was talking about.

 

[rt2dz]

From RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network)

15% of sexual assaults and rape of children were under age 12
29% are ages 12-17

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims knew their attackers
34.2% were family
58.7% were acquaintances
____________________

From the statistics I guess we should have boys ages 12-17 in the bathroom too. I mean that is a pretty high percentage - especially when you consider that at that age you would think they have more protection against predators.

One thing you have to take into consideration is that many parents are watching their younger children. It's not that they are less likely to be preyed upon; it's that parents (those over protective types--and one or two issues that a parent is strict on does not equal over protectiveness on all issues) are keeping that close eye on younger children. Older children are allowed to do more because they can understand the dangers of strangers. The problem is that they aren't sure how to handle the dangers of people they know and trust.

It is a very different world today than it was when I was a kid. I would never allow my kids to do the same things I did at the same age. Maybe the statistics haven't changed about the victimization, but parent watchfulness and the education of children has increased dramatically. Mainly because of Adam Walsh and all that media attention. If that hadn't changed, I'm sure the statistics would show more victimization. If you don't agree with it, then how do explain with so many "over protective parents who are just falling into media attention" that the victimization rate hasn't dropped dramatically?

With globalization and the age of the internet, there are a lot more dangers out there. There is the research to support that too. You should always look at statistics in perspective. Same with research. Parents are smart to be concerned. I'm glad that there are many parents out there who let their children go off at the same young ages and haven't had a problem. That's fantastic. My heart sinks every time I hear of a child victimized in any way; I wouldn't wish for any parents to learn the hard way that their bubble is delicate. I'm just one who is more cautious.

On the same note...

if any of my kids get lost (esp DD 5) & they cannot find a Disney employee, go to the nearest woman (even better -mom w/ kids) for help.

That is exactly what you should teach your kids to do, except “the experts” say it should always be a mom with kids, preferably a stroller mom. While that might not always be the perfect person, it is more safe than the alternatives. Sometimes, it is the employees/security guards that harm the lost child. Remember, background checks can only reveal what that person has been caught for. Unfortunately, many sick and criminal people aren’t caught after only one offense.

 

[meandtheguys2]

With globalization and the age of the internet, there are a lot more dangers out there. There is the research to support that too. You should always look at statistics in perspective. Same with research.

What research. This is my field, I'll read anything. Show me something credible.

Robin, nice job keeping the conversation rational. It is a shame how many can only think by their emotions without rationality, or facts.

The current generation will, and is already paying the price for parents who confuse involvement with paranoia. Even though the basic dangers are the same as they have always been, these kids are being raised to fear the world, and that they are always a potential victim. We are seeing the affects of this in the college environment.

My kids enjoy the freedom I had as a child. They've been taught since young to trust their instincts, and to make good choices. Will this keep their perfect and safe...no. Mine wasn't I was raped at 17. Do I think my parents should have kept me home instead of allowing me to head to college that year early. Heck no. I met friends that I have to this day. My son is heading for Japan and Africa this summer. At 14 some of you are still saying your kid needs to go to the ladies room. Which life would you prefer?

I also think that the moms of little girls should be able to expect a restroom without young men. For their safety and comfort. How do they know your kid isn't a pervert?

 

[DevilDuckie]

I don't understand why any woman would object to someone keeping their son with them. Another thing I worry about is how fathers who are out with young daughters deal with this situation. Taking a girl into a men's room is very different than taking a boy into the ladies room. How do they cope?

Well, since apparently nobody has any right to expect single sex bathrooms to remain single sex, clearly these men are entitled to wander into the ladies room with their girls and nobody gets to "tell them how to raise their kids".

 

[lunabkat]

Well, it would certainly work for the kids...mens rooms...

 

[lunabkat]

I guess we need to split the difference, ladies, if your son is young enough that he needs to accompany you to the bathroom, use the big stall and take him in with you. If he is old enough that that is an uncomfortable thought, perhaps you should think about letting him go to the bathroom by himself and wait out side. If he is in there more than 5 minutes, open the door and call for him. Do this once and he won't mess around in there, he'll be in, out, ready to roll.

 

[jamesmommy]

Well, since apparently nobody has any right to expect single sex bathrooms to remain single sex, clearly these men are entitled to wander into the ladies room with their girls and nobody gets to "tell them how to raise their kids".

Wouldn't bother me in the least............the women's rooms have stalls, anything I would need to keep private would be done in that area.
I would definitely think it better for their girls, since the urinals don't have stalls. It isn't that people don't think that single sex restrooms don't need to stay single sex, it is that there should be optional facilities. My autistic 5 year old is not going in a men's room alone for a LOOOONG time. He would be in there running water and crawling around on the floor

I actually feel the same way about dressing rooms, I have never been in one that didn't have private areas for dressing and showering. Why in the world would a woman be walking around in there naked, to heck about my son seeing her, I DONT want to see her

 

[maxiesmom]

I guess we need to split the difference, ladies, if your son is young enough that he needs to accompany you to the bathroom, use the big stall and take him in with you. If he is old enough that that is an uncomfortable thought, perhaps you should think about letting him go to the bathroom by himself and wait out side. If he is in there more than 5 minutes, open the door and call for him. Do this once and he won't mess around in there, he'll be in, out, ready to roll.

You are so right! If you have to have your child in the bathroom with you, then he needs to be WITH you. What good does it do to leave him out in the main part of the bathroom, while you sit in a stall? And it is not like the doors around the stalls are solid, and you can't see in. Bring you boy in to the ladies room if you want, but keep him with you, where he won't be tempted to peak at anyone else. You can keep your son safe and be considerate at the same time.

 

[kelma]

Well, since apparently nobody has any right to expect single sex bathrooms to remain single sex, clearly these men are entitled to wander into the ladies room with their girls and nobody gets to "tell them how to raise their kids".

Wow, that was a big leap. Are you saying a 7 year old going into the bathroom with his mother is the same as a grown man going into that same bathroom. Really? How about a 2 year old - they would be messing up the "single sex bathroom" situation? What about a newborn baby boy?

I'm still not clear what all the "rational" people (apparently the ones who don't agree with the OP according to another poster ) are doing and seeing in the bathroom that I'm not I've never seen another woman's lady business in the bathroom, I've never seen another woman getting changed out in the open and I've never heard a graphic conversation about periods or anything else. Maybe I'm not going to the "right" places