Boyfriend's mother overbearing

[Sweetpancake]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 and a half years, we're moving in together in a couple of months. He just moved into our new place this weekend and I will joining him shortly once my lease is up. I like his mom, she's very nice and helpful, I know she means well BUT I'm starting to realize that she's quite overbearing. It didn't bother me so much before, as we didn't live together. But she helped us move in this weekend and sort of took over. She was replacing things, changing things we had already placed, drove me nuts! She has an opinion about absolutely everything. There's a curtain in our storage area that divides that room from our living room, she was already pulling out her tape measure and I'm sure she'll be shopping for a new curtain tomorrow. Some would think that's nice but I feel like it's now my home and not hers. I'm also the woman in my DBF's life now and can take care of certain things. That's not to say his mom can't help out or doesn't play a role in his life, but I think once you're son is with someone, that's scaled back a great deal.

I don't know how to bring this up with my DBF, I'm always very careful about how I word things, as I know it's different when it's your family. I could definitely see this being a problem when we're living together. I'm sure I'm not alone here, Come on, roll out the stories.

 

[canopynut66]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 and a half years, we're moving in together in a couple of months. He just moved into our new place this weekend and I will joining him shortly once my lease is up. I like his mom, she's very nice and helpful, I know she means well BUT I'm starting to realize that she's quite overbearing. It didn't bother me so much before, as we didn't live together. But she helped us move in this weekend and sort of took over. She was replacing things, changing things we had already placed, drove me nuts! She has an opinion about absolutely everything. There's a curtain in our storage area that divides that room from our living room, she was already pulling out her tape measure and I'm sure she'll be shopping for a new curtain tomorrow. Some would think that's nice but I feel like it's now my home and not hers. I'm also the woman in my DBF's life now and can take care of certain things. That's not to say his mom can't help out or doesn't play a role in his life, but I think once you're son is with someone, that's scaled back a great deal.

I don't know how to bring this up with my DBF, I'm always very careful about how I word things, as I know it's different when it's your family. I could definitely see this being a problem when we're living together. I'm sure I'm not alone here, Come on, roll out the stories.

Need to let you boyfriend handle his Mom as anything you do will not be taken seriously. so need to tell him your feelings as it will not get better with time. so nip it in the bud or will have to live with it. I never said anything as did not want to cause a fight and then all just blew up 12 years and 2 kids later when we were building a house and his Mom wanted to "design it" and pick carpet colors and decide where washer and dryer would go and I just had enough and walked out and never looked back...from then on when meet someone I make sure we have this clear and settled right up front.

 

[LuLuO]

Yep, it is BF's job to deal with his mom and you do have to approach him carefully, especially if he doesn't see that it is a problem. But, you are a couple now and she needs to step back. I am lucky because DH is completely aware of his mom's "helpfulness" and how annoying it can be. . I am also aware of my mom's "helpfulness" .

I love my MIL, but DH has had to knock her down a peg or two along the way, especially after we had kids. Some things I let go and some things I don't. Lordy. I once went about six weeks without speaking to her because I was so fed up. She is better now, six years later, but she still has her moments. My mom has her moments too and there have been times I've had to tell her to back off.

In the end, pick and choose your battles, but it should be BF that talks to her about any issues that come about.

 

[Hannathy]

Are you sure she knows you are moving in? Because it sounds like she is fixing her SON'S place and NOT the two of you's place.



If she knows and you are 100% sure then, I would say to your boyfriend "I don't like your Mom moving our stuff, will you please tell her not to" And then when you move in move the stuff where you want and if she comes and starts moving it simply say "No I like the sofa there and we are going to leave it there." Deal with her very adult and business like but firmly over moving your stuff. If your boyfriend goes along with her without a very good reason, and lets her try to rule the roost, Give him 1 chance to think about what he is doing and grow up and be a man and stand up to her and if he doesn't then run because you will never be better than Mommy.

 

[Jennasis]

Welcome to the club.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2781680

Read every. single. WORD.

It will not get better unless you demand your bf put a stop to it. Now. Today. Not tomorrow. Not when she acts up again. NOW. otherwise I expect we'll be seeing you on my thread up above as a regular contributor.

 

[marcemc]

Previous posters have given you some pretty good advice.

Listen & act now before it's too late. My former MIL used to be just like that

 

[Sweetpancake]

Welcome to the club.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2781680

Read every. single. WORD.

It will not get better unless you demand your bf put a stop to it. Now. Today. Not tomorrow. Not when she acts up again. NOW. otherwise I expect we'll be seeing you on my thread up above as a regular contributor.

ahahahaha, Actually what WAS good was DBF's sister was there and said MANY times "mom, let them place it," "mom, this is THEIR place, not yours," "Mom, Sweetpancake has a good eye for design, I'm sure she can handle it," "mom, they already said how they wanted it, don't go changing it."

I do want to deal with this NOW, or else it'll only get worse!

Hannathy, Yep, you're right! It did seem like she was fixing HIS place, she's well aware that I'm moving in too. I had been warned by a friend of mine right when I first starting my DBF that his mother was overbearing, boy was she right!

 

[Hannathy]

Hannathy, Yep, you're right! It did seem like she was fixing HIS place, she's well aware that I'm moving in too. I had been warned by a friend of mine right when I first starting my DBF that his mother was overbearing, boy was she right!

Yeah but until you actually move in there a Mother can hope.....

Until then he is still her little boy and she can take care of him and not share him!
Of course she has to fix up her boys place!

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Before I got married (and Judy and I were paying for the wedding) my mother wanted to change Judy's seating arrangements. I told her something to the effect of: "Mom; this is our wedding, we know the Guests. Judy wants to set the seating arrangements and it is her prerogative. Don't mess with them and it will make it a lot easier for you to deal with Judy in the future." After that we never had any problems with the relationships.

 

[Sweetpancake]

Before I got married (and Judy and I were paying for the wedding) my mother wanted to change Judy's seating arrangements. I told her something to the effect of: "Mom; this is our wedding, we know the Guests. Judy wants to set the seating arrangements and it is her prerogative. Don't mess with them and it will make it a lot easier for you to deal with Judy in the future." After that we never had any problems with the relationships.

At least my boyfriend is a very assertive person (even with his parents) so I don't think this should be an issue. I'm usually the much more passive person who hates to rock the boat or upset the apple cart. But you're right, it may just take saying something once. Changing seating arrangements, boy could I see it! And that's why I want this fixed now. One day when we get married, I can see her totally being in our business.

 

[Sweetpancake]

Yeah but until you actually move in there a Mother can hope.....

Until then he is still her little boy and she can take care of him and not share him!
Of course she has to fix up her boys place!

hehehe, totally! He is still very much "her little boy." Drives me crazy! For Pete's sake, she still buys him clothes, I really hate that. Honestly, he's 31 years old, I think he can handle buying his own clothing. This woman needs a hobby, badly! I don't think she's cut the umbilical cord.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I developed a new appreciation for my MIL once I had a son myself.

I doubt she set out to annoy you and she'd probably be mortified if she realized that's how you felt. She was probably just excited and wanted to help out.

Just speak up for yourself and set limits as you must. Set the tone how you want it to be early on.

I'm also the woman in my DBF's life now and can take care of certain things. That's not to say his mom can't help out or doesn't play a role in his life, but I think once you're son is with someone, that's scaled back a great deal.

Others may disagree with me on this but I don't think this is a road you really want to go down. Don't make him pick and choose or downplay her role, which he could come to resent. Surely there's room for both of you in his life. Your bf will appreciate your efforts to get along with her.

My MIL is a wonderful lady but we don't always see eye to eye on everything. (Shocking, no doubt! ) I'm sure my DH would say the same about my mother as well (and she lives with us so he has a harder job than I do at times). Despite this I have a tremendous respect for the blood, sweat and tears that MIL put into raising my DH and the love she has for him. I also see the love he has for her and his father and I am grateful that he has that as it just makes him a more loving person to me and our children in my eyes. When I think of it this way it's kind of hard to find fault. I do believe she always means well even if we see things differently sometimes, and she has told me that she appreciates what her son and I have together, so it's good to sit and have these conversations if at all possible. (Though I appreciate that my MIL is someone you can do this with and know that not everyone is.) Maybe you could just go out for coffee or something sometime - you could wind up seeing her in a different light.

 

[Sweetpancake]

Others may disagree with me on this but I don't think this is a road you really want to go down. Don't make him pick and choose or downplay her role, which he could come to resent. Surely there's room for both of you in his life. Your bf will appreciate your efforts to get along with her.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm asking him to choose between me or her, I would never do that. What I DO mean is that some mothers have a hard time letting go and allowing their son's wife or girlfriend take responsibility for certain things. Her role isn't diminished, it's simply should be different.

 

[Mysteria]

I developed a new appreciation for my MIL once I had a son myself.

I doubt she set out to annoy you and she'd probably be mortified if she realized that's how you felt. She was probably just excited and wanted to help out.

Just speak up for yourself and set limits as you must. Set the tone how you want it to be early on.


Others may disagree with me on this but I don't think this is a road you really want to go down. Don't make him pick and choose or downplay her role, which he could come to resent. Surely there's room for both of you in his life. Your bf will appreciate your efforts to get along with her.

My MIL is a wonderful lady but we don't always see eye to eye on everything. (Shocking, no doubt! ) I'm sure my DH would say the same about my mother as well (and she lives with us so he has a harder job than I do at times). Despite this I have a tremendous respect for the blood, sweat and tears that MIL put into raising my DH and the love she has for him. I also see the love he has for her and his father and I am grateful that he has that as it just makes him a more loving person to me and our children in my eyes. When I think of it this way it's kind of hard to find fault. I do believe she always means well even if we see things differently sometimes, and she has told me that she appreciates what her son and I have together, so it's good to sit and have these conversations if at all possible. (Though I appreciate that my MIL is someone you can do this with and know that not everyone is.) Maybe you could just go out for coffee or something sometime - you could wind up seeing her in a different light.

I couldn't agree more. I was thinking of my response and then read your post. This is almost exactly what I was going to say.

 

[bethy]

I developed a new appreciation for my MIL once I had a son myself.

I doubt she set out to annoy you and she'd probably be mortified if she realized that's how you felt. She was probably just excited and wanted to help out.

Just speak up for yourself and set limits as you must. Set the tone how you want it to be early on.


Others may disagree with me on this but I don't think this is a road you really want to go down. Don't make him pick and choose or downplay her role, which he could come to resent. Surely there's room for both of you in his life. Your bf will appreciate your efforts to get along with her.

My MIL is a wonderful lady but we don't always see eye to eye on everything. (Shocking, no doubt! ) I'm sure my DH would say the same about my mother as well (and she lives with us so he has a harder job than I do at times). Despite this I have a tremendous respect for the blood, sweat and tears that MIL put into raising my DH and the love she has for him. I also see the love he has for her and his father and I am grateful that he has that as it just makes him a more loving person to me and our children in my eyes. When I think of it this way it's kind of hard to find fault. I do believe she always means well even if we see things differently sometimes, and she has told me that she appreciates what her son and I have together, so it's good to sit and have these conversations if at all possible. (Though I appreciate that my MIL is someone you can do this with and know that not everyone is.) Maybe you could just go out for coffee or something sometime - you could wind up seeing her in a different light.

wiser words were never spoken. I've been together with my DH for 22 years and married for 15. My life has been richer, fuller, and blessed because I have nurtured in a close and loving relationship with my MIL - basically by using the golden rule. I love her nearly as much as my own mother at this point - and that's saying something. She's known me for well over half my life.

 

[ksjayhawks]

We have a saying on another board I am on about dealing with family/friends---

"Start as you mean to go."

So, you and bf need to sit down now and have a long, long talk about the two of you living together, how you will run your home, how you will make decisions, how his mother will/will not be involved.

Let him be the one to communicate with her. Everything should be a "we", not "sweetpancake" thinks, says, etc.

Good luck!

 

[Disneyadore]

Who is footing the bill? If you and you're boyfriend are paying kick MIL out. If she is paying you have no right to criticize her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In other words you are dealing with a control freak. They are notorious for manipulation.

Honestly the only way to alter DBF mother behavior is you have to speak up. You can learn to speak up, without being rude or mean to her, trust me.

If you see her "doing something", you can walk up to her and gently say, while I appreciate the thought you are putting into this, I am going to take care of it. You can even do this while giving her a hug.

It is all about the delivery. You seem gentle and I suggest you work within your personality. But you do have to speak up with her. It is going to be something out of your comfort zone. Meet it head on instead of after the fact. Control freaks are more easily manipulated right away, esp. in view of others. It is like a stealth approach.

Think of it as "training". She may not like it however if you do a positive correction, eventually it gets easier with the both of you.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

One day when we get married, I can see her totally being in our business.

If you think it is bad now and concerned about wedding planned, wait until there are grandkids.

 

[Sweetpancake]

Who is footing the bill? If you and you're boyfriend are paying kick MIL out. If she is paying you have no right to criticize her.

We're entirely footing the bill. She's not spending a dime.

In other words you are dealing with a control freak. They are notorious for manipulation.

Honestly the only way to alter DBF mother behavior is you have to speak up. You can learn to speak up, without being rude or mean to her, trust me.

If you see her "doing something", you can walk up to her and gently say, while I appreciate the thought you are putting into this, I am going to take care of it. You can even do this while giving her a hug.

It is all about the delivery. You seem gentle and I suggest you work within your personality. But you do have to speak up with her. It is going to be something out of your comfort zone. Meet it head on instead of after the fact. Control freaks are more easily manipulated right away, esp. in view of others. It is like a stealth approach.

Think of it as "training". She may not like it however if you do a positive correction, eventually it gets easier with the both of you.

Thanks for your advice, Mystery Machine. She's aware of her ways. When she was leaving she said "I hope I wasn't too bossy," and I thought, "oh, no not at all" I just really hope she's responsive to my DBF or myself, I don't want this causing big issues. As I mentioned, her daughter had made several comments for her to lay off and finally his mom said "I already heard you, you've made your point and now I'm going to tell you to shut up" Here his sister was saying everything I wanted to say!

If you think it is bad now and concerned about wedding planned, wait until there are grandkids.

That is another concern, ugh, I shutter. I can only imagine.