Boyfriend's mother overbearing

[Pea-n-Me]

I felt you were being a bit DISish as well. There's a way to phrase alleged advice so as not to come off that way.


BTW, I am TOTALLY calling ownership of that word.

Well that's ok, cause I thought things here, too that I didn't post, so I guess everyone's entitled to think how they want.

Is that Disish too?

Seriously, what I said here seemed to be supported by many, and I suspect they are people like myself who've been at this for a long time, i.e. married for many years. Perhaps we have a different perspective somehow. I don't know that I would have given the exact same advice when I was in my twenties, or even thirties, or before I had children. There really is a lot to be said for the wisdom that comes with age, even if people not there yet feel differently.

I might add (and again, I'm being forthright here, not intentionally "nasty" - Dis or otherwise ) that you, as the OP of the MIL thread you linked earlier - which I didn't read, btw - could your opinion be a little slanted here by chance?

 

[Jennasis]

Well that's ok, cause I thought things here, too that I didn't post, so I guess everyone's entitled to think how they want.

Is that Disish too?

Seriously, what I said here seemed to be supported by many, and I suspect they are people like myself who've been at this for a long time, i.e. married for many years. Perhaps we have a different perspective somehow. I don't know that I would have given the exact same advice when I was in my twenties, or even thirties, or before I had children. There really is a lot to be said for the wisdom that comes with age, even if people not there yet feel differently.

I might add (and again, I'm being forthright here, not intentionally "nasty" - Dis or otherwise ) that you, as the OP of the MIL thread you linked earlier - which I didn't read, btw - could your opinion be a little slanted here by chance?

ABSOLUTELY.

I'm hoping DISish catches on too.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

ABSOLUTELY.

I just skimmed the first page of that thread. My sympathies.

 

[Buckalew11]

I've been married for 24 yrs and have a wonderful MIL. We get a long very well although we disagree on many, many issues in life.
People on here who know me know how conservative I am. My MIL is 1000X more than me! She does not really know my thoughts on most things because she could not care less what I think...as long as she has her say, she is fine. I'm OK with that. I would have no problem with voicing my opinion to her if she ever seemed interested. I think the world is just supposed to agree with her.

That said, she rarely ever tries to push her thoughts on me or even put her 2 cents in. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. We've built a house and she just walked through and complimented everything--never a harsh thought of word was said to me. Never a "you should do___" the whole time. when we decorated, she never said a negative thing to me. Our tastes are different, yet nothing was mentioned. I appreciated that. My mom had her say a few times, lol.

When it came to having a baby, we had very different ideas. Still, she respected my choices and abided by the "rules" most of the time. I knew there was things she disagreed with (bedtime and naps was a biggie) but she chose to keep quiet and keep the peace, I suppose, and has also complimented me any times as DD is now 17 and the "rules" paid off. I appreciate that too.

The biggie to me is to be on the same page with her son. While he needs to deal with certain issues that involve his mom, if the issues are YOURS, YOU need to talk with her. Nicely, politely and with lots of respect.

I have a client who is a new MIL and she is a wonderful woman but very opinionated and vocal. They've already had a few issues with the SIL. She's asked me my opinion and I have told her the truth. She is overbearing at times. She still thinks this is "just her way" but really, I think she needs to try harder and I told her that.

I have a client who has 4 sons and she is a wonderful MIL. She constantly is walking on eggshells around her DILs and I think that is sad.

There are many ways to be a in-law (FIL, MIL, DIL and SIL) and I think we all need to remember that every opinion doesn't need to be voiced, every thought said, and respect needs to used at all times.

I will say, I do take a marriage relationship different when it comes to men and women living together.

 

[Disney Doll]

There are many ways to be a in-law (FIL, MIL, DIL and SIL) and I think we all need to remember that every opinion doesn't need to be voiced, every thought said, and respect needs to used at all times.

I will say, I do take a marriage relationship different when it comes to men and women living together.

I agree with both these statements. I am 49 years old, so not quite "ancient" yet.

OP, I will give you some advice. Pay very close attention to how your boyfriend handles situations between you & his mother. YOu are moving in together which you state underscores the seriousness of your commitment to each other. If that is the case, then your boyfriend& you should be deciding on things together and then if his mother attempts to change your decision, you or he should speak up and say "Oh no Mom, don't move that shelf. Sweetpancake and I have decided that that is where we'd like it to stay". And if Mom says "Oh but honey, it would look SO much better over here", the proper response is "Well, thanks Mom but Sweetpancake and I have decided we like it where we put it, so that's where it will stay. Thanks".

Conversely, if you're there and Mom is moving the shelf, you can say "Oh that's OK Mom. Dear Boyfriend and I have decided that we want the shelf there where we put it". If Mom says "Oh but Sweetpancake, it would look SO much better over here" you then reply "Well, thanks, but we'd like to leave it where it is because that's where Dear Boyfriend and I decided we want it". And if Mom then goes to Dear Boyfriend and says "I want to move that shelf over there but Sweetppancake says you guys want it over here" Dear Boyfriend's response should be "Oh yes Mom. We'd like to leave that shelf right where it is". Dear Boyfriend's repsonse should NOT be "Sweetpancake, why don' we put the shelf where my Mom wants to and see how it looks?".

So my advice to you is "Pay attention to your boyfriend's behavior". No matter what his mother is like, if he stands with you, you'll be fine.

I had (now deceased) a very dear, loving, generous mother-in-law who had a very strong personality. Thankfully she raised her son into a man who could stand up to her strong personality, stand by me...the woman he also loved...and allow the 2 of us to get along. I didn't have to fight her alone when she was being "stubborn" about something...he stood with me, she learned that he would stand with me, she learned that I loved him and had his best interests at heart always and that I had no intention of taking him away from her. Once we all learned how to negotiate our relationships, we all had a wonderful relationship. I helped take care of her when she was dying like she was my own mother. I miss her still.

 

[ols386]

Zing! Well I was waiting for the nastiness of the DIS and there it is. I think the "drama" you're speaking off is simply me blowing off steam and venting. I haven't "created any drama." I'm talking to complete strangers on a message board. I have not said a WORD to this woman. So where is the drama??

Wow, I didn't think Pea N Me was trying to be nasty at all.

 

[worm761]

I also would not feel a girlfriend had the same role in my son's life as a wife. That said, a son moving into his own apartment would get to make his own decisions anyway so regardless of if anyone was moving in with him it wouldn't be MY place to arrange his apartment for him unless he specifically asked for my help.

Adults get to make their own decisions.

Sorry to quote you but you were the closest... And not to hijack this thread but those you saying this. Please please rethink this stance on your future DIL. She may not be so forgiving once she is married to your son that you have treated her as less than the family that she is to become to you. My future DH and I have lived together many years, own a home together, and are raising my son and our daughter together. There is a TON of animosity between his mother and I for many reasons. One of them is that she doesn't treat my son and I as family. Now her son, my fiance, thinks of us as a family and her attitude about has cause a rift between them also. I don't see why knowing that we plan to get married changes how you feel about me. Why? Nothing changes when we get married but a piece of paper. The commitment is already there and won't be changing. I wasn't a fiance for the last several years because I had no ring until recently. His ex wife left him a bundle of CC debt and we chose to pay that off long before getting me a ring. Our priorities were straight. Why should I be treated different without a ring? As the future DIL, I can promise that she will not like that attitude. And if you have raised your son well, he won't either. Once you realize that he is serious about her is when you should treat her like family. Not once a piece of paper is signed.

 

[Hannathy]

I have a friend with 3 sons, 2 grown and 1 almost and she always says:

Treat every girl they bring home as if it is the one because you never know when it will be.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I haven't read the whole thread.
Don't need to.
And do not want or need to be involved in any of the associated DIS drama.

OP: I will keep it very short and simple here.

Words from somebody who has BTDT.

I would NOT consider moving in unless your man is willing to handle this with his mom FIRST
It is YOUR home. Not hers.... And unless HE, not this other girl or anyone else, is able to establish this, you could be moving into a minefield..

I also agree very very strongly that you should not say one word to her.
This should not be YOUR battle.
Your BF should NOT require you to go to battle with his mother.
EVER.

You should look at this as a huge eye-opener.
How he handles this should tell you a LOT about your BF and your relationship with him.

I am telling you with 100% confidence that this is a BIG deal, and should be a dealbreaker. I honestly don't see why she was spending so much time and being so overinvolved in her adult son's home. I really don't.

If he can't create some healthy boundaries with his mother, right now, then I would not advise moving one step further in your relationship.

I would have him stop the interference.
I would request that she does not have key to my home ( it IS 'your' home)
And, I would make sure that he has NO problem with it if you wish to UNDO anything that she does.

 

[nancys]

I have a friend with 3 sons, 2 grown and 1 almost and she always says:

Treat every girl they bring home as if it is the one because you never know when it will be.

Excellent advice from your friend, Hannathy!

BTW, if anyone wants to buy new clothes for my DH, I say feel free, and he's way over 31 years old!

 

[Mkrop]

Wow, I didn't think Pea N Me was trying to be nasty at all.

I didnt either

 

[manning]

Simple solution.

She lives on east coast, move to the west coast, she lives on the west coast, move to the east coast,

Get an unlisted phone number and don't tell her what it is.

And if at all possible get him to join the marines, it will do wonders for him.

 

[tlbwriter]

Thanks for your advice, Mystery Machine. She's aware of her ways. When she was leaving she said "I hope I wasn't too bossy," and I thought, "oh, no not at all" I just really hope she's responsive to my DBF or myself, I don't want this causing big issues. As I mentioned, her daughter had made several comments for her to lay off and finally his mom said "I already heard you, you've made your point and now I'm going to tell you to shut up" Here his sister was saying everything I wanted to say!

This is disturbing to me. The fact that many people around her consider her to be pushy and overbearing means (despite what Pea N Me thinks) that it's not just you causing drama. It's her.

We can agree to disagree but she was absolutely creating drama. I'm sure her bf was really thrilled to hear this stuff from her (yeah, she hasn't said it but you know it was said after MIL left). Even if she didn't say it, it's drama in her own mind as she posted here the nonsense about the umbilical cord and getting a hobby and all that while at the same time wanting to say things to her but not doing so. She's acting immaturely, IMO.

So instead of telling her BF that she has a problem with the way his mother treats them, she should what? Suffer in silence? Try to handle it on her own without his input?

OP, the people who said "begin as you mean to go on" have very valuable advice. If you don't set your boundaries now, it will become harder and harder. That doesn't mean you have to be mean. Just kindly and politely say "No thank you, we've got that covered" or "Thanks for the idea, but we prefer to do it this way" and put things right back. You already know, from her own daughter's experience, that telling her she's out of line is going to accomplish absolutely nothing. So don't do that explicitly. Just make it clear, by your actions, that you and BF are making the decisions in your home.

You might also enlist your BF's sister's help. Subtly, of course. Tell her you're sorry things got tense and you appreciate her standing up for you.

And honestly, even if your only relationship with him was platonic roommates, she was still out of line, so ignore the comments about your opinion not mattering because you're not engaged.

 

[Jennasis]

I also agree with the posters who caution against not taking a relationship seriously unless or until they are engaged. Treating the girlfriend as "less than" is likely to not go over so well when and if the girlfriend eventually becomes a fiance/wife.

 

[bellarella]

I also agree with the posters who caution against not taking a relationship seriously unless or until they are engaged. Treating the girlfriend as "less than" is likely to not go over so well when and if the girlfriend eventually becomes a fiance/wife.

And, as I mentioned above, it might cause a permanent riff with the DS.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So instead of telling her BF that she has a problem with the way his mother treats them, she should what? Suffer in silence? Try to handle it on her own without his input?

Did you even read my earlier posts? Did I really give the impression that I think it would be wise to suffer in silence?

Just speak up for yourself and set limits as you must. Set the tone how you want it to be early on.

This is disturbing to me. The fact that many people around her consider her to be pushy and overbearing means (despite what Pea N Me thinks) that it's not just you causing drama. It's her.

Drama was created, in part, by her silence and inability to speak up for herself while at the same time, trashing the lady. There would have been a whole different scene in that apartment if either The Mystery Machine, Disney Doll or myself were there instead, I can assure you (to name just a few here). So I would say that the OP in fact DID play a part in the drama with her inaction and passive aggression.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Pea and Me,
I see that you just mentioned my name!
And, while we can agree to some point, I do have to disagree that this man's love and respect for his mother should include submission, aquiescence (sp?), and forcing the OP to give up on necessary healthy personal boundaries.

I do not see that the OP has caused any drama.
Like the OP, when I realized I was in a very similar situation.... I was upset, confused, didn't know quite what to do, and simply held my tongue.

As I said earlier, her BF should never, EVER, expect her to have to be the one to speak up and 'go to battle' with overbearing mother-in-law.. NEVER.

I do think that she should have a very simple and unemotional talk with her boyfriend about how she needs to have some control and some healthy personal boundaries when it comes to her own home. Which, clearly, makes it necessary for him to speak to his mother, and for him to be very proactive in protecting her and her home from inappropriate interference.

If they can't talk about this, maturely, and come to a satisfactory meeting of the minds, then that might might say a lot about their relationship and how successful or unsuccessful it might be.

OP, speak with your boyfriend and then just WATCH how he responds over the next days and weeks.

Just quietly and efficiently do what you need and want to do...
If, for example, you want to change out that curtain, or move a shelf, etc... and he shows ANY hesitation about unsettling anything regarding his mother... My clear advice would be to RUN.

Again, I would not move any further, (move in), unless I saw that he was ready and willing and able to establish these healthy boundaries with his mother.

I *KNOW" about this type of situation.
Have BTDT....
Unfortunately, we did not live near my MIL and FIL until they retired down here, and it all came to light, exactly as in your case... when we were moving in together... ( We did have a wedding date set, etc... but my DH finally got the break he was waiting for and the job took him too far away for us to bear being apart. )

They say that hindsight is 20/20...
So, let me advise you to put on these 20/20 glasses and see that this situation is not something to take lightly.

In fact, with some guys in this situation, their answer is to assume that they have found a girl who will just submit to being under the parents thumb... Whether they are conscience of this or not... This is very often the case.

These are issues that negatively affected our marriage and our relationship for many, many, years....

And, those who say/warn "wait until you start planning a wedding, or a grandchild comes along..." are RIGHT!!!! Totally and one hundred percent.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Pea and Me,
I see that you just mentioned my name!
And, while we can agree to some point, I do have to disagree

her BF should never, EVER, expect her to have to be the one to speak up and 'go to battle' with overbearing mother-in-law.. NEVER..

So then I should go back and edit your name out? I was simply thinking of you as a strong woman who makes her points vociferously online, I didn't realize IRL you were a tongue holder!

So yeah, we'll have to disagree on that one. I would not expect to involve my DH in a disagreement between me and my MIL (or anyone else for that matter). I speak up for myself.

But it's ok to be different. Nobody is right or wrong here. I know we have a lot of differences here - generational, regional, personalities, etc. Naturally we won't all approach it in the same way.

 

[ols386]

At this point, I don't think the op has spoken to her DBF about this, right? So that should be the next step. Talk to him about it, in a calm manner, let him know how you feel. And try to do it in a fashion that won't make him feel defensive, not that you would deliberately do that, but depending on how something is phrased, it can unintentionally come across that way.

The op already stated that the DBF was good at dealing with both his parents, I believe, so if that's the case, I don't know why he would not be welcoming of the op opening a discussion with him about this particular subject.

Personally, I think if one can talk directly to the MIL about these types of things, all the better, but in many cases it's better for the man to be the one to deal directly with his parents. It all depends on the tone of the interaction and the personality of the players.

 

[Jennasis]

Has anyone ever successfully "confronted" or "spoken to" their SO's mother? Would love to hear some success stories there. I agree with having the son talk to his mother (and running in the other direction faster than the speed of sound if he won't), but I'd love to hear about when the woman spoke up for herself to the mom without the mom becoming bitter, angry, weepy, woe-is-me, turning it around to make the woman look bad or holding a grudge in perpetuity.