Boyfriend's mother overbearing

[kacaju]

I don't want to make it sound like I'm asking him to choose between me or her, I would never do that. What I DO mean is that some mothers have a hard time letting go and allowing their son's wife or girlfriend take responsibility for certain things. Her role isn't diminished, it's simply should be different.

Is his Mother very old fashioned? You are NOT his WIFE, you are the girlfriend...if his mother is more old fashioned then she may not take yuor relationship with him seriously until you two get serious and get married.

 

[Sweetpancake]

Is his Mother very old fashioned? You are NOT his WIFE, you are the girlfriend...if his mother is more old fashioned then she may not take yuor relationship with him seriously until you two get serious and get married.

No, not old fashion by any means. She lived with her husband before they got married. And just because we're married, doesn't mean our relationship isn't serious.

 

[abdmom]

Is his Mother very old fashioned? You are NOT his WIFE, you are the girlfriend...if his mother is more old fashioned then she may not take yuor relationship with him seriously until you two get serious and get married.

I'm a few years younger than you dbf's Mom. I also lived with my dh before we got married. I wouldn't take your relationship that seriously until you were engaged. If my ds moved in with a girl, I'd probably treat her like his roommate, which legally, is what she would be. If you want to be treated like #1 in your dbf's life, get engaged. My 2 cents.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

When she was leaving she said "I hope I wasn't too bossy," and I thought, "oh, no not at all":rolleyes1 I just really hope she's responsive to my DBF or myself, I don't want this causing big issues. As I mentioned, her daughter had made several comments for her to lay off and finally his mom said "I already heard you, you've made your point and now I'm going to tell you to shut up" Here his sister was saying everything I wanted to say!

You missed a golden opportunity, then.

As many have said, you need to speak up for yourself. As TMM said, it's all in the delivery. You can be firm without being nasty or mean. Now is the time to set the tone. Very important if she is as you say.

I'm also not a big believer in "letting the husband do it". No middle man here. If you need to speak to someone, put your big girl panties on and do it. This is an issue between you and her. You command more respect this way.

"Start as you mean to go."

Love this. So true.

 

[ols386]

I developed a new appreciation for my MIL once I had a son myself.

I doubt she set out to annoy you and she'd probably be mortified if she realized that's how you felt. She was probably just excited and wanted to help out.

Just speak up for yourself and set limits as you must. Set the tone how you want it to be early on.


Others may disagree with me on this but I don't think this is a road you really want to go down. Don't make him pick and choose or downplay her role, which he could come to resent. Surely there's room for both of you in his life. Your bf will appreciate your efforts to get along with her.

My MIL is a wonderful lady but we don't always see eye to eye on everything. (Shocking, no doubt! ) I'm sure my DH would say the same about my mother as well (and she lives with us so he has a harder job than I do at times). Despite this I have a tremendous respect for the blood, sweat and tears that MIL put into raising my DH and the love she has for him. I also see the love he has for her and his father and I am grateful that he has that as it just makes him a more loving person to me and our children in my eyes. When I think of it this way it's kind of hard to find fault. I do believe she always means well even if we see things differently sometimes, and she has told me that she appreciates what her son and I have together, so it's good to sit and have these conversations if at all possible. (Though I appreciate that my MIL is someone you can do this with and know that not everyone is.) Maybe you could just go out for coffee or something sometime - you could wind up seeing her in a different light.

You said that beautifully!

 

[Sweetpancake]

I just want to clarify that I get along with his mother VERY well, despite all of this. I've gone out with her, we've seen movies, I've had some very nice chats with her. I've always made an effort to be friendly and I know she likes me a great deal. But I am seeing another side of her that perhaps was there before but not affecting me. I still want to have a good relationship with this woman but I feel like we need to set some boundaries in order for that to happen.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I just want to clarify that I get along with his mother VERY well, despite all of this. I've gone out with her, we've seen movies, I've had some very nice chats with her. I've always made an effort to be friendly and I know she likes me a great deal. But I am seeing another side of her that perhaps was there before but not affecting me. I still want to have a good relationship with this woman but I feel like we need some boundaries for that to happen.

So just do it.

But just know that spewing stuff like this isn't going to help the situation.

hehehe, totally! He is still very much "her little boy." Drives me crazy! For Pete's sake, she still buys him clothes, I really hate that. Honestly, he's 31 years old, I think he can handle buying his own clothing. This woman needs a hobby, badly! I don't think she's cut the umbilical cord.

In all honesty you seem to be creating a lot of drama here rather than just acting like a fully functioning, capable adult.

 

[ols386]

So just do it.

But just know that spewing stuff like this isn't going to help the situation.


In all honesty you seem to be creating a lot of drama here rather than just acting like a fully functioning, capable adult.

More good advice.

I think if the op addresses the situation with a positive and mature attitude, the relationship with the future MIL can be a wonderful thing! But if the tone takes a downward turn, it will not turn out well.

 

[bellarella]

I'm a few years younger than you dbf's Mom. I also lived with my dh before we got married. I wouldn't take your relationship that seriously until you were engaged. If my ds moved in with a girl, I'd probably treat her like his roommate, which legally, is what she would be. If you want to be treated like #1 in your dbf's life, get engaged. My 2 cents.

Wow. That is a really disrespectful attitude, to both your son and his girlfriend.

Back in the day my parents treated my DH very coldly for awhile after we moved in. I was 100% of the attitude that if they had a problem with our relationship, it should be with me, not him. I also was firmly of the belief that they would not be "allowed" to change their position when/if we got married. If they treated him coldly or as second fiddle while we were living together, it would not be all rainbows and sunshine the second we got engaged.

Fortunately, my parents realized that I was an adult and had my own views on marriage that were different from theirs. They realized that they very much liked by dh prior to us living together and would have been happy if we did get married. As a result, they, in the end, chose to respect the place *I* put him in my life and stopped treating him poorly because *I* agreed that we should live together.

 

[4greatboys]

You just need to stand up for yourself. Better now over small things than over the big stuff. I see on the boards a lot of people say the spouse or SO should handle their parents but it doesn't always work like that.

There is a way to stand up for yourself and not be rude or ugly just get your point across in a firm but non confrontational way. My in laws are the kind you have to be blunt with. Just ignoring something or hinting around does not work with them.

 

[bethy]

I'm a few years younger than you dbf's Mom. I also lived with my dh before we got married. I wouldn't take your relationship that seriously until you were engaged. If my ds moved in with a girl, I'd probably treat her like his roommate, which legally, is what she would be. If you want to be treated like #1 in your dbf's life, get engaged. My 2 cents.

I'm in my thirties and I personally always take someone else's married relationship far more seriously than I would someone's girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Unless maybe they've been together like 20 years or something.

That said, it's still fine to set firm but loving boundaries with anyone in your life. It makes for a much healthier relationship with them.

 

[Sweetpancake]

So just do it.

But just know that spewing stuff like this isn't going to help the situation.


In all honesty you seem to be creating a lot of drama here rather than just acting like a fully functioning, capable adult.

Zing! Well I was waiting for the nastiness of the DIS and there it is. I think the "drama" you're speaking off is simply me blowing off steam and venting. I haven't "created any drama." I'm talking to complete strangers on a message board. I have not said a WORD to this woman. So where is the drama??

 

[rodeo65]

I just want to clarify that I get along with his mother VERY well, despite all of this. I've gone out with her, we've seen movies, I've had some very nice chats with her. I've always made an effort to be friendly and I know she likes me a great deal. But I am seeing another side of her that perhaps was there before but not affecting me. I still want to have a good relationship with this woman but I feel like we need to set some boundaries in order for that to happen.

Definitely set some boundaries as you start this new phase of life with your BF. My MIL and I got along VERY well before DH and I were married. She seemed to look at me as some sort of co-conspirator in jokes about DH. I was in interior design and made some floral arrangements for her home which she raved about to me and other family members. While we never went out alone (we live several hours apart) we did spend lots of time chatting alone when we'd visit for the weekend.

Fast forward four years to my bridal shower three weeks before our wedding. I swear she turned inside out. DH had always complained about his mother, and she was quite sarcastic (and now I understand mean spirited) but I made excuses for her and suggested he should grow a thicker skin, she was just being "funny". My family is sarcastic and jokey with each other without being mean spirited and I didn't get the nuances at first. I think a lot of it because we lived so far apart and visited fairly infrequently.

I do agree with others who are saying to let your BF handle it. Not in a Sweetpancake says kind of way because that will just built resentment but as has been said "we want" etc. This was how my DH handled it and while our relationship with his family is non-existant (they are a pretty extreme bunch ), he and I are solid and on the same page as to what we will and will not tolerate. It was stated by him, though and while I know I'm still the scapegoat as far as MIL considers it, we both know the truth of the matter. Which is what counts in the end.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Zing! Well I was waiting for the nastiness of the DIS and there it is. I think the "drama" you're speaking off is simply me blowing off steam and venting. I haven't "created any drama." I'm talking to complete strangers on a message board. I have not said a WORD to this woman. So where is the drama??

Zing! I just erased more for you to consider since I appear to be wasting my time with you and you chose to take my suggestions as nastiness when they were given in the spirit of being helpful. Good luck with your situation.

 

[disykat]

I also would not feel a girlfriend had the same role in my son's life as a wife. That said, a son moving into his own apartment would get to make his own decisions anyway so regardless of if anyone was moving in with him it wouldn't be MY place to arrange his apartment for him unless he specifically asked for my help.

Adults get to make their own decisions.

 

[bellarella]

I also would not feel a girlfriend had the same role in my son's life as a wife. That said, a son moving into his own apartment would get to make his own decisions anyway so regardless of if anyone was moving in with him it wouldn't be MY place to arrange his apartment for him unless he specifically asked for my help.

Adults get to make their own decisions.

I really don't get this. I feel that a person has as much of a role in my child's life as my child says they have. Living together is a big step. For many couples it is the same level of commitment as getting married. Even if it isn't, I can't imagine a situation where I would have occasion to differentiate how I would treat someone on this basis.

 

[Mkrop]

I developed a new appreciation for my MIL once I had a son myself.

I doubt she set out to annoy you and she'd probably be mortified if she realized that's how you felt. She was probably just excited and wanted to help out.

Just speak up for yourself and set limits as you must. Set the tone how you want it to be early on.


Others may disagree with me on this but I don't think this is a road you really want to go down. Don't make him pick and choose or downplay her role, which he could come to resent. Surely there's room for both of you in his life. Your bf will appreciate your efforts to get along with her.

My MIL is a wonderful lady but we don't always see eye to eye on everything. (Shocking, no doubt! ) I'm sure my DH would say the same about my mother as well (and she lives with us so he has a harder job than I do at times). Despite this I have a tremendous respect for the blood, sweat and tears that MIL put into raising my DH and the love she has for him. I also see the love he has for her and his father and I am grateful that he has that as it just makes him a more loving person to me and our children in my eyes. When I think of it this way it's kind of hard to find fault. I do believe she always means well even if we see things differently sometimes, and she has told me that she appreciates what her son and I have together, so it's good to sit and have these conversations if at all possible. (Though I appreciate that my MIL is someone you can do this with and know that not everyone is.) Maybe you could just go out for coffee or something sometime - you could wind up seeing her in a different light.

Best advice!

I always tell people now, think of where you will be in 25+ years as the future MIL, put yourself in their shoes, and remember that is a transition for them to accept this new role in their child's life

 

[Ceila]

Zing! I just erased more for you to consider since I appear to be wasting my time with you and you chose to take my suggestions as nastiness when they were given in the spirit of being helpful. Good luck with your situation.

You were nasty in the one post she quoted. She was venting and looking for advice. There was no indication that she was going to create "drama" with her boyfriend's mother.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You were nasty in the one post she quoted. She was venting and looking for advice. There was no indication that she was going to create "drama" with her boyfriend's mother.

We can agree to disagree but she was absolutely creating drama. I'm sure her bf was really thrilled to hear this stuff from her (yeah, she hasn't said it but you know it was said after MIL left). Even if she didn't say it, it's drama in her own mind as she posted here the nonsense about the umbilical cord and getting a hobby and all that while at the same time wanting to say things to her but not doing so. She's acting immaturely, IMO.

Further, this is a discussion board and she did ask to "roll out the stories". Apparently she only wants to hear stories or advice that support her views?

Nasty is a relative term. And isn't it the perception of nasty (or overbearing, what have you), ironically, that what we're discussing here? As women we need to do ourselves a favor and realize that it's ok for people to say things to us truthfully and from the heart, especially when we've asked for their advice, without thinking they're trying to screw us or personally attack us. I swear, sometimes we're our own worst enemies.

 

[Jennasis]

We can agree to disagree but she was absolutely creating drama. I'm sure her bf was really thrilled to hear this stuff from her (yeah, she hasn't said it but you know it was said after MIL left). Even if she didn't say it, it's drama in her own mind as she posted here the nonsense about the umbilical cord and getting a hobby and all that while at the same time wanting to say things to her but not doing so. She's acting immaturely, IMO.

Further, this is a discussion board and she did ask to "roll out the stories". Apparently she only wants to hear stories or advice that support her views?

Nasty is a relative term. And isn't it the perception of nasty (or overbearing, what have you), ironically, that what we're discussing here? As women we need to do ourselves a favor and realize that it's ok for people to say things to us truthfully and from the heart, especially when we've asked for their advice, without thinking they're trying to screw us or personally attack us. I swear, sometimes we're our own worst enemies.

I felt you were being a bit DISish as well. There's a way to phrase alleged advice so as not to come off that way.


BTW, I am TOTALLY calling ownership of that word.