Boyfriend's mother overbearing

[ols386]

Has anyone ever successfully "confronted" or "spoken to" their SO's mother? Would love to hear some success stories there. I agree with having the son talk to his mother (and running in the other direction faster than the speed of sound if he won't), but I'd love to hear about when the woman spoke up for herself to the mom without the mom becoming bitter, angry, weepy, woe-is-me, turning it around to make the woman look bad or holding a grudge in perpetuity.

I think it's better to deal with someone face to face when possible, but in some cases it doesn't work out that way, and if that's the case, then the guy has to be the one to deal with the MIL/FIL.

I've know women who HAVE dealt with the MIL's face to face on issues. Again, it gets back to the tone. You used the word "confront" which to me implies a certain amount of negativity, and if you (the general you) go into it with a negative attitude, it's definitely not going to work. There's a difference between "spoken to " and "confront".

Believe me, there are nice MIL's out there who are very rational and approachable.

 

[Jennasis]

I think it's better to deal with someone face to face when possible, but in some cases it doesn't work out that way, and if that's the case, then the guy has to be the one to deal with the MIL/FIL.

I've know women who HAVE dealt with the MIL's face to face on issues. Again, it gets back to the tone. You used the word "confront" which to me implies a certain amount of negativity, and if you (the general you) go into it with a negative attitude, it's definitely not going to work. There's a difference between "spoken to " and "confront".

Believe me, there are nice MIL's out there who are very rational and approachable.

Which is why I included both. Anyone ever either CONFRONTED (with whatever negative connotation you'd like to attach) or SPOKEN TO (in as pleasant and upbeat or gentle a manner etc) the overbearing etc, mother of their significant other and had a successful outcome?

 

[ols386]

Which is why I included both. Anyone ever either CONFRONTED (with whatever negative connotation you'd like to attach) or SPOKEN TO (in as pleasant and upbeat or gentle a manner etc) the overbearing etc, mother of their significant other and had a successful outcome?

I can guarantee you that if you "confront" it isn't going to turn out good, whether the MIL is overbearing or rationale.

If you "speak" to, then there's at least a chance that something good may come of it.

Not all MIL are overbearing, so I would think that a non-overbearing personality would be more likely to actually listen and help to try and resolve the situation, when "spoken to".

I've "spoken to" my MIL (who is no longer here) on occasion, and she responded in a positive manner. She wasn't overbearing though. She was usually pretty rationale.

 

[Jennasis]

I can guarantee you that if you "confront" it isn't going to turn out good, whether the MIL is overbearing or rationale.

If you "speak" to, then there's at least a chance that something good may come of it.

Not all MIL are overbearing, so I would think that a non-overbearing personality would be more likely to actually listen and help to try and resolve the situation, when "spoken to".

I've "spoken to" my MIL (who is no longer here) on occasion, and she responded in a positive manner. She wasn't overbearing though. She was usually pretty rationale.

Could you elaborate? I was hoping for an actual real life scenario.

 

[ols386]

Could you elaborate? I was hoping for an actual real life scenario.

Mostly where my kids were concerned.

Taking them outside in the winter without hood/hat. Asking her to please make sure they have a hat on.

Giving them a bunch of treats/snacks. Asking her to please not give them so many.

These kinds of things sound very simple, but if I would have "confronted" rather than just "spoke to her", the outcome may have been very negative.

I think it depends on the personalities involved as well as the history. If one already has a not-so-good history with their MIL, then it might go entirely different.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Which is why I included both. Anyone ever either CONFRONTED (with whatever negative connotation you'd like to attach) or SPOKEN TO (in as pleasant and upbeat or gentle a manner etc) the overbearing etc, mother of their significant other and had a successful outcome?

My MIL is paranoid schizophrenic, so how about my story?

Way back when, 20yrs ago, I was a SAHM who thought I had to bring my oldest child to visit with her once a week. She happened to be unmedicated at the time. However did not bother me because that is how I knew her always.

I was always active back then, out everyday with activities, playgroups, etc....

So, as my dd got older and got into more things, she slapped her in the face. My dd was just barely 2.

So I got mad and left. She calls up later of course to plead her case to her son. My dd was touching her stuff, blah, blah, blah....

I got on the phone with her and told her that my dd is 2 and will probably touch her things, she said that her other grandchildren were respectful, and she liked them better and her dd's kids come first etc.

So I told her I would no longer visit her at her home. She was flaming mad. I did not care of course. Hello she was an unmedicated woman and I did not want my dd to see her this way. She was really losing it.

Anyway we broke things off and then later after a few rehabs she became medicated. We told her if she wanted to see her grandkids she had to take her meds.

She complied and we have been good every since.

I saw her today and gave her a gift because it is her b-day tomorrow. She even is making gifts for my dd's, just because. She is a knitter and crochets.

 

[Jennasis]

My MIL is paranoid schizophrenic, so how about my story?

Way back when, 20yrs ago, I was a SAHM who thought I had to bring my oldest child to visit with her once a week. She happened to be unmedicated at the time. However did not bother me because that is how I knew her always.

I was always active back then, out everyday with activities, playgroups, etc....

So, as my dd got older and got into more things, she slapped her in the face. My dd was just barely 2.

So I got mad and left. She calls up later of course to plead her case to her son. My dd was touching her stuff, blah, blah, blah....

I got on the phone with her and told her that my dd is 2 and will probably touch her things, she said that her other grandchildren were respectful, and she liked them better and her dd's kids come first etc.

So I told her I would no longer visit her at her home. She was flaming mad. I did not care of course. Hello she was an unmedicated woman and I did not want my dd to see her this way. She was really losing it.

Anyway we broke things off and then later after a few rehabs she became medicated. We told her if she wanted to see her grandkids she had to take her meds.

She complied and we have been good every since.

I saw her today and gave her a gift because it is her b-day tomorrow. She even is making gifts for my dd's, just because. She is a knitter and crochets.

Well done!

Still waiting for the tale of how someone politely told SO's mom that she was overstepping her bounds and the mom did an "omigosh! I didn't realize! I'm so sorry!"

Anyone?

 

[mtemm]

I've spoken to my MIL before. we have a great relationship, and I probably call her more than her son does, if only to give her updates on what the kids are doing and to check up on her (she has some health problems from time to time). however, there have been times when she has driven me (and dh) crazy. sometimes he will say something, but i have gotten better about it, too. a lot of it had to do with overspending on the kids.

dh is an only child, so our 3 are her only grandchildren. I appreciate how much she loves and wants to do for our kids, but at first it was a little out of control. and not just the amount, it was what she bought...tons of crap, basically, that ended up not being played with or being lost/forgotten about. we felt bad that she was wasting her money on stuff that they weren't into, and sometimes we felt like she was going so overboard that the kids were overwhelmed.

we talked about it and I was open to hearing what was important to her, and for her spending a certain amount was important, even though I found it to be a bit excessive. She listened to me about it being a multitude of stuff that they don't need. in the end, we came to a good compromise and she has focused on one bigger item, with maybe a couple of small items, at christmas/birthdays. same amount of $ for her, which makes her happy, and she gives her grandchildren great joy with her gifts because they are things they are really excited about instead of 20 things that get kind of lost in the shuffle.

it can be hard to be honest, but if done in a thoughtful way can really benefit everyone. And yes, dh has had conversations with her, too, but since she mostly comes to me about things for the kids, I have learned to speak up as well.

 

[Jennasis]

I've spoken to my MIL before. we have a great relationship, and I probably call her more than her son does, if only to give her updates on what the kids are doing and to check up on her (she has some health problems from time to time). however, there have been times when she has driven me (and dh) crazy. sometimes he will say something, but i have gotten better about it, too. a lot of it had to do with overspending on the kids.

dh is an only child, so our 3 are her only grandchildren. I appreciate how much she loves and wants to do for our kids, but at first it was a little out of control. and not just the amount, it was what she bought...tons of crap, basically, that ended up not being played with or being lost/forgotten about. we felt bad that she was wasting her money on stuff that they weren't into, and sometimes we felt like she was going so overboard that the kids were overwhelmed.

we talked about it and I was open to hearing what was important to her, and for her spending a certain amount was important, even though I found it to be a bit excessive. She listened to me about it being a multitude of stuff that they don't need. in the end, we came to a good compromise and she has focused on one bigger item, with maybe a couple of small items, at christmas/birthdays. same amount of $ for her, which makes her happy, and she gives her grandchildren great joy with her gifts because they are things they are really excited about instead of 20 things that get kind of lost in the shuffle.

it can be hard to be honest, but if done in a thoughtful way can really benefit everyone. And yes, dh has had conversations with her, too, but since she mostly comes to me about things for the kids, I have learned to speak up as well.

That's what I'm talking about! Thanks for this. Maybe it will inspire the OP. My own relationship with MIL is far too damaged right now for this approach but maybe someday...

 

[Mkrop]

Has anyone ever successfully "confronted" or "spoken to" their SO's mother? Would love to hear some success stories there. I agree with having the son talk to his mother (and running in the other direction faster than the speed of sound if he won't), but I'd love to hear about when the woman spoke up for herself to the mom without the mom becoming bitter, angry, weepy, woe-is-me, turning it around to make the woman look bad or holding a grudge in perpetuity.

Yes.

MIL was babysitting DS13 when he was a baby, I had to work, DH had to go somewhere with is dad, I forget where. I got home from work, and I asked her how the day went, she said fine, but thank goodness I had studying to do or I would have rearranged all your cabinets. I was floored, who says stuff like that....my MIL. So I calmly said to her, well the way it is set up works just "dandy" for me and DH, then I walked upstairs.

When DS13 was 2 they had him for a weekend and he fell off the slide, she is a nurse, she took him to see DH's cousin who is a Dr to make sure his wrist was broken. She never called me or DH, I happen to call her to check in. We drive 2 hours, and then bring him home, we are taking the cousin's word it is not broken, next morning, it still bothered me, so I took him to the Dr, yes it was broken....everyone(DH, his brother for some reason etc) went nuts on her, and she was defending her actions for not calling us. I called her up and calmly told her that under no circumstances was that her judgement call to make, the minute are son was seriously hurt that she thought medical attention was necessary, she should have been on that phone. She went on and on saying she knew what she was doing, didnt want to bother us blah blah. I once again told her calmly that she was not the parent, and that if our child got hurt enough to be seen by a Dr, she needed to call us immmediately and we could make the decision on whether to drive the 2 hours. She finally told me I was right.


She loves to take over at a party, get all the food out etc, I use to get all worked up, thinking she was insulting me and my abilities, now I just let her have at it.

Recently she criticized how I was making a hot dog for DS8, she told me I was wasting my time boiling it, I should microwave it. She went on and on. I finally turned to her and said I know my son, and I know how he likes to eat a hot dog thank you very much!

My MIL is very overbearing, does she still slip and make comments she shouldnt...yes but I no longer just sit and take them either, I weigh their importance and then I act or react or dont act accordingly.

Before kids I was terrified of her, now I just shake my head at some of the things that come out of her mouth.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't want to make it sound like I'm asking him to choose between me or her, I would never do that. What I DO mean is that some mothers have a hard time letting go and allowing their son's wife or girlfriend take responsibility for certain things. Her role isn't diminished, it's simply should be different.

I agree but you and DBF need to decide how to handle her assistance. I am a MIL and I hope that I don't behave the way that your IL is acting. I also have a DD who is willing to reign me in when I think I am helping but should be stepping aside.

I think that you should discuss this with your BF and see what his opinion is. If he thinks that having mom's manner is just hunky-dory then i would make sure i stayed in my own place. She is overstepping in what is going to be your home and if you need to fight this battle it is just going to be the first of you vs her and your BF sitting on the fence.

I developed a new appreciation for my MIL once I had a son myself.



Others may disagree with me on this but I don't think this is a road you really want to go down. Don't make him pick and choose or downplay her role, which he could come to resent. Surely there's room for both of you in his life. Your bf will appreciate your efforts to get along with her.

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I agree that as a Mom to 2 sons it is necessary to have a different role once a partner enters. While i agree that the Op may not want to drive this path I do believe her BF should. If he has entered into a commitment with the Op he should be placing a significance on the relationship that supersedes his reliance on his Mom. The OP should not be diminished in her own home and it sounds as if there is a general lack of respect for her IMO.

I am a DMIL and I have helped both of my son's when they moved into their homes. I have offered my advice and made suggestions but I would never have done this without feedback from my DDIL's. I love my sons and I have no problem keeping my relationships with them but I believe that if a man makes his home with a woman, married or not, there is a commitment that needs to be honored. If teh BF here is allowing his Mother to walk over the OP when they are making decisions on their home she needs to rethink her role in his life.

There is a vast difference between honoring and respecting one's mother and in behaving like a Momma's boy who refuses to tell her to stop interfering.
as others have pointed out....watch him and be careful!

Zing! Well I was waiting for the nastiness of the DIS and there it is. I think the "drama" you're speaking off is simply me blowing off steam and venting. I haven't "created any drama." I'm talking to complete strangers on a message board. I have not said a WORD to this woman. So where is the drama??

I think that you need to be careful when you belittle your BF mother. I understand that you want to have a good relationship with her but I think that it is necessary to respect her first. If you are ridiculing that she buys him clothes or calls him regularly you may be "saying" more than you think.

I know how my DDIL's feel about me and I would know even if they said not one word. I think you need to decide what is important in your world. I know women who do not want their DMIL's to have any influence with the men that they raised and I find this appalling. My sons will be my sons until the day I die. I will love them until the day I die. I would resent it greatly if my DDIL thought that I should change the way I behave and if I needed to walk on eggshells. I would not expect my DS to tolerate that any more than i raised either one of them to place me about their wives.

Think carefully what you want here. The way your BF treats his Mother is an indication of how he will treat you. I am not suggesting that you stay with a wishy-washy man, just the opposite. Your BF will not always agree with you and how he handles this with his mom will tell you how he handles conflict and how he will handle a disagreement with you.

There are many ways to be a in-law (FIL, MIL, DIL and SIL) and I think we all need to remember that every opinion doesn't need to be voiced, every thought said, and respect needs to used at all times.
.

Nicely said!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

The OP should not be diminished in her own home and it sounds as if there is a general lack of respect for her IMO.

Here's the way I see it.

OP said she's been with bf for years but they are now getting ready to move in together. She says she has never before had an issue with this lady.

The first time she's had an issue is the same day they are first together in the apartment. Now granted, perhaps the lady was overenthusiastic or overstepping her bounds, i.e. overbearing if you want to call it that (whatever), but wouldn't that just have been the perfect time to set limits? To set the tone for these new roles and relationships in her/their own home?

Sometimes we simply need to teach people how we want to be treated.

I cannot see involving bf in this unless he was standing right there and said something in conjunction with OP, or OP could have just said something herself.

I cannot agree there's been a general lack of respect going on one day where communication was sorely lacking.

Now perhaps this is a pattern with bf and his mother in their family (sounds it). In this case, bf should speak up now that he's a man in his own home with a live in girlfriend but... he wouldn't necessarily unless it was bothering him. If it didn't bother bf and if bf didn't know it was bothering OP, then he would see no reason to speak up.

I agree that bf and OP should discuss this further and come to agreement on how this will be handled in the future. Whether they decide he should handle mother (iffy there due to the history, IMO) or OP decides to speak up for herself really doesn't matter.

WE ALL KNOW you really can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. Expecting either mom to change her ways or bf to stand up to his mom may be like trying to get blood out of a stone. The only other option (besides not moving forward with this relationship, which I wouldn't favor) is for the OP to learn to get along with her presumably future MIL because as others have said, this is going to be a long road if they marry and have kids.

I don't think it's too late to set the tone going forward (however they decide to do it). So that first day was an eye opener. Time to regroup and figure out how to go forward. IMO I would practice in my own mind how I would respond next time this happens. (See Disney Doll's post.) I would try very hard not to stay silent and let things stew in my mind and then lose it some day when I've had enough. That would just give mom reason to think someone's a little off, and why give her that? Much better, IMO, to just talk maturely as one adult to another and say what you want to say or needs to be said in a friendly tone, perhaps even with a hug as TMM suggested, and stick to your guns. That's what it looks like to me.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I could share way more stories about "discussions" with my own mother than with my MIL, btw. (Could probably fill a few pages or more.) I even have a couple with FIL. But MIL, no. For 28 yrs we've gotten along well despite our differences. We have a mutual respect, thankfully, and she's a great lady.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I cannot see involving bf in this unless he was standing right there and said something in conjunction with OP, or OP could have just said something herself.

Again, while I agree with you, Pea-n-Me in theory on about 90%....

Having BTDT myself, I feel COMPELLED, out of consideration to the OP, to say that I can not disagree with this one particular comment any more strongly.

It is not a matter of a woman not being able to fight her own battles.

OP, you should never, EVER, feel that you have to go-to-battle with your SO's mother. to defend your own reasonable healthy personal boundaries.
There should be NO battle.

Your BF should NEVER, EVER, expect this of you.
I simply can not express this strongly enough.

This is his mother. Has been his mother. And will ALWAYS be his mother forever and ever.... If he thinks you should have to either acquiesce or do-battle to protect yourself from her... I can PROMISE you that this will be an ongoing battle that you will be fighting for many, many, years to come.

When I read this:

finally his mom said "I already heard you, you've made your point and now I'm going to tell you to shut up"

This is what SCARES me.
I am talking horror-movie, Mommie Dearest, scary.

This woman is being purposeful, brazen, and unstoppable.
That, and the fact that you were 'warned' by somebody who knows this guy and his family.

And this, I think ,says it all....

hehehe, totally! He is still very much "her little boy." Drives me crazy! For Pete's sake, she still buys him clothes, I really hate that. Honestly, he's 31 years old, I think he can handle buying his own clothing. .... I don't think she's cut the umbilical cord.

Also, note, that it is VERY common for this kind of thing to only come out with a MIL at the point where the son's relationship with another woman becomes serious. ( engagement, moving in, marriage, etc.....)

It is VERY common for a young woman to see a huge change and to become blindsided at this particular time.

You need to deal with situation with your BF ONLY.....
It is HIS mother, HIS home, HIS significant other... And he needs to be able to put on his big-boy pants and deal with it. As in, yesterday.

You tried to mention that you thought that your BF could be assertive with his mother....
But, NEWSFLASH..... Wake up call.
What you have been describing is, quite obviously, NOT assertive.

You need to see that he can cut that umbilical cord right now, himself, personally...
Which, again, has NOTHING to do with you, yourself, speaking to/confronting his mother.

 

[Nancyg56]

Again, while I agree with you, Pea-n-Me in theory on about 90%....

Having BTDT myself, I feel COMPELLED, out of consideration to the OP, to say that I can not disagree with this one particular comment any more strongly.

It is not a matter of a woman not being able to fight her own battles.

OP, you should never, EVER, feel that you have to go-to-battle with your SO's mother. to defend your own reasonable healthy personal boundaries.
There should be NO battle.

Your BF should NEVER, EVER, expect this of you.
I simply can not express this strongly enough.

This is his mother. Has been his mother. And will ALWAYS be his mother forever and ever.... If he thinks you should have to either acquiesce or do-battle to protect yourself from her... I can PROMISE you that this will be an ongoing battle that you will be fighting for many, many, years to come.

When I read this:


This is what SCARES me.
I am talking horror-movie, Mommie Dearest, scary.

This woman is being purposeful, brazen, and unstoppable.
That, and the fact that you were 'warned' by somebody who knows this guy and his family.

And this, I think ,says it all....


Also, note, that it is VERY common for this kind of thing to only come out with a MIL at the point where the son's relationship with another woman becomes serious. ( engagement, moving in, marriage, etc.....)

It is VERY common for a young woman to see a huge change and to become blindsided at this particular time.

You need to deal with situation with your BF ONLY.....
It is HIS mother, HIS home, HIS significant other... And he needs to be able to put on his big-boy pants and deal with it. As in, yesterday.

You tried to mention that you thought that your BF could be assertive with his mother....
But, NEWSFLASH..... Wake up call.
What you have been describing is, quite obviously, NOT assertive.

You need to see that he can cut that umbilical cord right now, himself, personally...
Which, again, has NOTHING to do with you, yourself, speaking to/confronting his mother.

ITA with you. It is not right to have to be the strong one when dealing with a MIL and if the BF expects this of the OP it is not going to be pretty. I did not miss the fact that this happened once they couple decided to move in together. I have seen women who try to assert their authority in another woman's home and I don't like it. I would say the same if the OP was snippy with MIL, it is a lack of respect.

I also agree that the BF is going to need to decide how he wants to handle this and if he decides to sit back and let his mother undermine his partner then what happens if children come along? Who is in charge of the children? Mom or Grandma?

I am a DMIL and I can tell you that if I interfered the way that this woman did my son's would have stepped in quickly, just as I raised them. The problem with trying to assert yourself in your son's home is that you get tuned out and if you need to step in for something important you are no longer heard. You lose your voice in all the noise. A very wise woman once told me that you only get so many bullets in this life so use them wisely.

I believe this bullet theory goes for the OP as well. She needs to use one on her BF now. He needs to make sure that his mother knows that her feedback is welcomed but that may not mean it is going to be followed. He needs to make sure that when she enters his home she remembers that it is the OP's home as well.