Black-tie requested…wedding apparel issues. 2nd update -post 137

[easyas123]

I would love to just skip the wedding; except our DD is a bridesmaid, and she wants us there primarily to keep our Son-in-law company.

If you don't want to go or don't feel like it, don't. Surely your SIL is a big boy and can occupy himself for a while...if your daughter is a bridesmaid he must know some of the other attendees???

MY OPINION - daytime weddings are not formal. 1 pm especially is not a formal time frame. The ceremony should be at earliest 5 pm to require formal wear. I would not be wearing a gown to the wedding at 1 pm. I think you could find a comfortable cool pretty short dress to wear to ceremony where at best you'll be sitting most the time, not in pictures.

Since you look like you'll have a couple hours break before the reception, I'd go to the hotel, freshen up and change into your formal party attire. It could be one reason for the large gap in time between is so folks can formal up for the reception. I mean what are folks supposed to do with the couple hour gap?

Agreed. No reason not to wear a nice dress to the ceremony and then freshen up at hotel, and then put on more formal attire for the reception. Or, if there is a polite way to do it, indicate that you are unable to attend the ceremony but can attend the reception, and just do that.

 

[aprilgail]

The bride made a point of stating “floor length” dresses at her shower last weekend. (Someone asked and she suggested Rent-the-Runway if you don’t have one.). I’m just glad I have something long. I’m not fond of the neckline without the jacket on…but if it is warm, my jacket will be off, heck…I won’t need to look at pictures!

I would skip this for sure- in fact unless the bride was my own child I would skip the whole wedding.

 

[HopperFan]

Excuse my ignorance but isn't a wedding reception really just a party? Why do you need to be in a floor length formal gown to eat, drink & dance?

A formal wedding normally indicates wear a long gown for a formal evening event. It's just a dressy wedding, like a ball or formal dance. For some brides they have designed a very formal fancy event, and for some it's a real treat to do something dressy and special that they normally would not do. Cinderella style adult prom.

My DD talked about formal because she thought everyone would look so pretty and it would be so memorable BUT she realized that it was a bit much to expect, so she went with semi-formal because she wanted everyone to be a bit fancy and mostly because she was very concerned about men not wearing suits. We come from background where if it's indoors and nice you wear a suit - been to too many where the guys showed up in dockers and golf shirts. In the end a few who didn't own suits wore nicer business casual and it was fine but a couple came in what I thought was rude (I didn't know them) but they likely felt like they were being stared at (they were) so whatever.

There are all kinds of wedding receptions, including black tie (which I’m not a fan of). Around here, all men wear at least a suit to weddings.

I wish that were the case here. DD listed semi-formal because she didn't want the wedding to be what has become too common - way too too casual.

 

[Boopuff]

So I got this off of the Brides:

What Is Black-Tie Attire?​

Black-tie attire is a dress code reserved for formal evening events. Guests commonly choose floor-length gowns and suits or tuxedos when attending a black-tie event. Event usually takes place after 5:00 pm.

so a true black tie is a late in the day event.

 

[_19disnA]

"Black tie" can have several meanings and one of them is to wear something more dressy. The OP never said if this sort of thing was typical for the bride or they just want it to be a fancy occasion. Is the reception at some sort of elegant location? Different parts of the country seem to have different expectations for weddings. If you are attending a casual wedding of a friend/neighbor/co-worker, I don't see anything wrong in men wearing slacks & a golf shirt or women to wear a casual dress.

It can place quite a burden on guests who are not in the bridal party to have to rent something just to attend. I would expect some people to decline their invite if that was the case.

 

[punkin]

Black tie is for the reception. The wedding itself is in the afternoon so black tie is inappropriate. Black tie no longer requires a floor length gown for women, but something formal is called for.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I would absolutely wear a different outfit to the church. Sundress or other casual dress, or even nice pants and top would be fine, IMO. Freshen up and change into the dressier attire at the hotel before the reception.

I’ve never been invited to a black tie (or white tie) event, but around here, standard dress code for a wedding reception is suits for men and a cocktail/dressy dress for women. It’s also fairly common here to have a gap of several hours between the ceremony and the reception, especially if it’s a church wedding. The bride and groom and their wedding party usually use that time to take photos (sometimes at a third location). Although not what I’d do, some guests will skip the ceremony completely and only attend the reception. Or those with young kids might bring them to the church but not the reception, since receptions are usually for adults only.

 

[_19disnA]

When the reception is 'immediately following' the ceremony there is often an issue when to take posed pictures of the bridal party. Especially if they intend to go to a park or some other location to take pictures, everyone else attending the reception is left with nothing to do in between. Leaving a gap of a few hours between the wedding and reception gives time for pictures and then the guests can return to attend the reception. Have been to various weddings over the years and some do a better job of playing how things will go then others. There is really no right/wrong way to do those things.

I can see some people only attending the reception if it is on the other side of town so they would have to find something to do for the several hours between the wedding and the reception. Venues that have wedding receptions often charge by the person/plate so even children are in that total and part of the reason children might be excluded from the reception. You get charged based on the final numbers you give to the reception venue, so it is poor etiquette for those attending to not show up after indicating they would.

I think if you don't want to invite small children to the reception, you need to be consistent and apply that rule to everyone to avoid hard feelings about who is/isn't invited. If your family/relatives/friends have many small children and would be traveling from out of town, you need to consider that in planning the wedding/reception. Much of those things depend on the budget, who all is being invited and what the bride/groom prefer.

 

[Kitty 34]

Of course you can! That is a very long gap of time between the wedding and reception. Besides, everyone is looking at the bride. No one will care. And if they do…tough tootsies.

I'm in the Tough Tootsies' group. We need shirts.

 

[kymom99]

A work friend invited me and a couple others to her sons wedding. It was on a Friday. I skipped the ceremony and just came to the reception since it I had to work that day and the reception hall was closer to my house. She acted funny about it. Oh well.

My husbands niece got married about 90 minutes from here. There was a church wedding with a gap before the reception, but they had an outdoor area set up with cocktails and snacks before the reception. When we arrived there, my husbands brother in law, not the brides dad, just married to an aunt, got all bent out of shape. He said the people who were at the cocktail hour must not have come to the church. He kept on about it. I thought to myself, who cares? Maybe they had another event. Or maybe they just drove faster after mass. I always just assumed people who didn’t make the ceremony had a reason. People often go to a lot of trouble and cost to attend weddings.

 

[DLgal]

When the reception is 'immediately following' the ceremony there is often an issue when to take posed pictures of the bridal party. Especially if they intend to go to a park or some other location to take pictures, everyone else attending the reception is left with nothing to do in between. Leaving a gap of a few hours between the wedding and reception gives time for pictures and then the guests can return to attend the reception. Have been to various weddings over the years and some do a better job of playing how things will go then others. There is really no right/wrong way to do those things.

I can see some people only attending the reception if it is on the other side of town so they would have to find something to do for the several hours between the wedding and the reception. Venues that have wedding receptions often charge by the person/plate so even children are in that total and part of the reason children might be excluded from the reception. You get charged based on the final numbers you give to the reception venue, so it is poor etiquette for those attending to not show up after indicating they would.

I think if you don't want to invite small children to the reception, you need to be consistent and apply that rule to everyone to avoid hard feelings about who is/isn't invited. If your family/relatives/friends have many small children and would be traveling from out of town, you need to consider that in planning the wedding/reception. Much of those things depend on the budget, who all is being invited and what the bride/groom prefer.

This is what the cocktail hour is supposed to be for.

Wedding ceremony

Photos of Bridal Party/Cocktail hour (for the guests)

Reception

That said, we did most of our bridal party photos PRE ceremony, then after we just did bride and groom photos while our families and friends got to experience the cocktail hour.

 

[clh2]

Is the bride always this presumptuous in her expectations? I think she has looked at one too many bride's fashion magazines. Wear whatever good clothes you want to the church and then change at the hotel into your reception attire. For those who weren't at the shower, how would they know that 'floor length' dresses are expected? Even if the wedding invite said 'black tie requested' (or something similar), there is quite a bit that would fit into that category.

It isn't like some 'bouncer' is going to be at the entrance to the reception refusing to let you in if your attire isn't deemed 'formal' enough.

Do you know this bride? My DD (a bridesmaid) was informed TODAY that she needs to stay at the hotel where the reception will be at for both Friday and Saturday nights. DD also feels like this wedding will be jumping off the pages of pinterest and bridal magazines. and in the next breath, my DD believes that the brides budget is equal to what we paid for our daughter’s reception, and in no way shape or form does that bring it to the level of a black-tie event. Should be an interesting evening!

For context…brides parents (before Covid) probably attended several fundraising galas a year, so bride has been exposed (although maybe not been a guest) at these events. Bride has most likely been to weddings with black tie requested.

Bride “is“ over the top, fashion-wise, so the black-tie doesn’t surprise me. Although, if I did not have a long dress, my husband and I would probably be declining.

Bride’s twin sister, is entirely opposite.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I would dress more comfortably for the church then dress for the reception.

For those that do not understand - there are all kinds of events all over the world that have a variety of dress codes, weddings are no different in some areas.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I can’t imagine having to wear a suit in that heat, never mind a formal gown.

My brother is getting married and dress is cocktail casual. We asked for clarification (because what the heck does that mean) and they said wear anything but jeans lol

Dear lord that's a new one I saw one on Tik Tok... Creative Black Tie. I REALLY want to go to that wedding to see how that one is interpreted

 

[Katie Dawn]

Are they doing the wedding and/or reception outside? In August? And asking people to dress formal???

 

[dvcgirl67]

I don't have any kids, so wouldn't have a daughter as a bridesmaid, so I understand why you have to go. But if I get that invite....I would legit send a gift and not go. That's a long time between the church and reception to expect people to remain in black tie attire.

 

[_19disnA]

Do you know this bride?

No I don't ......LOL. Just from what was said previously, it sure sounded like the bride would make all sorts of 'requests' of those involved. Bride sounds like she is arranging some sort of society event instead of her wedding.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I can’t imagine having to wear a suit in that heat, never mind a formal gown.

My brother is getting married and dress is cocktail casual. We asked for clarification (because what the heck does that mean) and they said wear anything but jeans lol

Shorts & a bathing suit top it is.

 

[Micca]

Where do rules for various events even come from? I question the authority who designated all the various rules on what to wear, who should be invited, and all of the "rules" of weddings. "Because It's always been this way???" I don't think so.

I say: Bite me. You want me there or you don't, I can stay home and send you a gift card.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Where do rules for various events even come from? I question the authority who designated all the various rules on what to wear, who should be invited, and all of the "rules" of weddings. "Because It's always been this way???" I don't think so.

I say: Bite me. You want me there or you don't, I can stay home and send you a gift card.

We were kind of heading in this direction before the pandemic, but now....having to jump through hoops like the ones detailed by the OP for a wedding.....I'm a hard nope on that. Especially for large weddings, like are common in the northeast....with 250+ people....the couple should understand that all of the cousins, second cousins, work friends of their parents, parents of kids' friends, etc....likely make up half of the guest list. And we're not always as emotionally invested in the big day. We want to show up, support and celebrate the couple....yada yada. But if you make it too hard....we now 100% send a nice check and that's that.