Black-tie requested…wedding apparel issues. 2nd update -post 137

[MillauFr]

For the most part I think stress gets to couples. I don't normally hear of many stories where the bride has some ulterior motive although yes sometimes that does happen. The vast majority it's just rearing its ugly head the stress of it all. The saying "brings the worst out of people" for weddings and funerals is widely said for a reason. Doesn't really excuse the behavior but the intention usually isn't some bait/switch thing.

You are probably correct. What I don't understand is if it is so stressful why do people put themselves through that nonsense? There is no need for a huge production. That is not going to lead to life long happiness.

 

[Lilsia]

You are probably correct. What I don't understand is if it is so stressful why do people put themselves through that nonsense? There is no need for a huge production. That is not going to lead to life long happiness.

Narcissism. When it becomes all about "the look" and less about celebrating your marriage with your family and friends, then they are just doing it for the adoration. To me, getting married was very personal and private. We just had a couple of people go with us to the courthouse and that was it. I always say that it is the marriage that matters, not the wedding. What a waste of money also.

 

[kymom99]

Narcissism. When it becomes all about "the look" and less about celebrating your marriage with your family and friends, then they are just doing it for the adoration. To me, getting married was very personal and private. We just had a couple of people go with us to the courthouse and that was it. I always say that it is the marriage that matters, not the wedding. What a waste of money also.

I got married (the first time) 33 years ago. I had my girls buy a dress and shoes. I was careful not to pick something expensive. I didn’t care what they did with their hair. I did my own hair and make-up. No bachelorette party. (When did cruises and such become the norm there?) I had a beautiful church wedding and reception with about 250 guests. (I did not have less than half of those invited attend.) I didn’t tell guests what to wear. I trusted people knew what to wear to church.

Things have gotten out of hand for so many. I’m old enough now to just say no thanks to events like this.

 

[craedaisy12]

The year I got married I was in 3 other weddings and traveled to a wedding. That was a crazy year. Traveled in April, friends wedding in July, sisters wedding in august, friends wedding beginning of Oct, mine toward the end of October!

Thankfully all the brides were reasonable with requests. I was very chill about mine too. It was a fun year!

Next week my husband is a groomsman in a wedding, so my date will be our 10 month old son. The attire is formal but I’m exclusively breastfeeding so I found a dress I can breastfeed in and it’s almost to my feet. It’s not that formal of a dress but I’m not concerned. The bride and groom should be enjoying each other and celebrating with family and friends not worrying about everyone’s attire.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

If you're invited to an event, and the actual invitation includes a dress code, you follow the dress code or politely decline the invitation.

If the request is just the bride socializing her preferences verbally, then she's already violated the etiquette and you aren't bound by it.

 

[DisneyHardin]

I got married (the first time) 33 years ago. I had my girls buy a dress and shoes. I was careful not to pick something expensive. I didn’t care what they did with their hair. I did my own hair and make-up. No bachelorette party. (When did cruises and such become the norm there?) I had a beautiful church wedding and reception with about 250 guests. (I did not have less than half of those invited attend.) I didn’t tell guests what to wear. I trusted people knew what to wear to church.

Things have gotten out of hand for so many. I’m old enough now to just say no thanks to events like this.

That is very similar to our wedding 14 years ago. I just had 2 bridesmaids and they bought their dresses off the rack from Ann Taylor. For my Bachelorette party, a few friends and I went out for sushi and then went bowling. We did all have our hair and make-up done, but it wasn't my suggestion, it was the suggestion of one of my bridesmaids and she booked the appointment for us. We invited about 200 people and most everyone came.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You are probably correct. What I don't understand is if it is so stressful why do people put themselves through that nonsense? There is no need for a huge production. That is not going to lead to life long happiness.

I agree but not necessarily about the last statement. That is dependent on the individual people and them as a couple. There can be just as much of an issue with people doing a court house wedding when that really wasn't what they wanted, or the Vegas style wedding when that really wasn't what they wanted. The honeymoon thread has a few stories where people got the honeymoon they wanted but years and years later. Not saying that caused any issues whatsoever but just because someone outside looking in thinks it's over the top does not mean that leads to issues with martial happiness. Resentment breeds through various types of weddings large, small, etc. My comment wasn't meant to talk about only the grandeur of what many go to when they mention bridezilla. It was just the stress of weddings in general. Small, intimate, cheap weddings don't just equate to less stress by virtue of them.

 

[HopperFan]

Oh my goodness…I have updates!

1. Temps were in the high 90’s, one of my biggest fears. Jumpsuit was perfect. DH and D-SIL did not attend the ceremony. It was perfect changing out of jumpsuit for a couple of hours before I got into my long/formal wedding.
2. Of the 185 people invited, only 85 attended. Many regrets came with “I don’t have the required apparel”.
3. Per the frequently asked questions; attire at the church was also long gowns, dark suits. everyone at the church was “proper”.
4. One woman had a dress only “gasp” down to her mid calf. It was a cute dress!
5. My daughter spent over $2k on this opportunity to be a bridesmaid. This includes bachelorette party, dress, being required to stay at the hotel where the reception was at. My daughter and 2 other bridesmaids declined having hair and make-up done on the wedding day. (Cost was $300, plus tip).
6. The bridal gown was gorgeous.
7. Bride’s twin was maid of honor. She gave a very long speech. The speech ticked off the bride. Bride ripped Into her twin after the speeches. This made the mother of the bride cry. (sadly, the speech was pretty bizarre).
8. My daughter has said she needs a long break from the bride. Bride got a little peeved that my daughter needed to take 2 or 3 pumping breaks on the wedding day, where my daughter and all bridesmaids needed to be present from 7am through the end of reception. Bride also got annoyed that my DD needed pumping breaks during bachelorette weekend too.
10. One of my favorite outfits that a wedding guest has on, was actually a 3-piece pantsuit. The pants actually had a lightweight shimmer flowy fabric draped from the waist. Then the top was sleeveless, and then had a short waisted sheer-ish jacket. Color was a light mauve.
11. One of the bridesmaids spent $5K on the wedding, bachelorette party, 2 round trip flights from California, hotel for wedding weekend. This person was really irritated About the total expenses. Another bridesmaid was in tears at the bachelorette weekend due to the costs being unreasonable.
12. Bride made sure all bridesmaids knew to where something conservative to rehearsal dinner, since grooms family was conservative. Yet, my daughter needed to buy body tape, in an effort to make sure she did not have a “low cut dress” wardrobe malfunction with the bridesmaid dress.
13. We had a great time at the wedding, but I felt bad for the twin, as she is really sweet.

Thanks for the update!

1) So glad your wardrobe worked out and this conversation was full of great ideas for others going forward.
2) Not surprised AND so glad people let them know. If it was a re-occurring theme on the RSVP it really highlights just how much pressure folks were feeling from the hosts to spend and dress up. And that is a very high number of NO. Industry standards are expect 15-20% to say no, I'd say with COVID concerns it would likely be the 20% and that wedding was way more than double that.
3) I hope they are happy the ones who attended the ceremony were proper.
4) Ahhh, a rebel!
5) Very unfortunate when brides treat their friends this way. Honestly it is time for bridesmaids to take control of the situation and start saying no rather be pressured into this.
6) That is nice. I think I'd be busy checking out all the guests gowns.
7) Hmmm, would this make a good movie?
8) I think it is not uncommon in these big wedding events that forever breaks happen afterwards. Sometimes it is the last straw to show one's real colors.
9) ??
10) I think pants are really going to become the next guest outfit. At DD wedding a couple guests had on dressy pants and they looked so stylish and comfortable.
11) NOPE NOPE NOPE DD got married a couple years ago amongst many of her friends getting married. She paid for most the rented home for bachelorette party, she/SIL paid for home for wedding party, she picked dress company where each color came in about 50 styles with most under $100. Told them to wear whatever shoes they wanted. No girl spent over $100 for clothing and they were beautiful. She didn't want them put out financially like others have done to them.
12) So did groom's family pay for rehearsal and perhaps tell her to make sure her people were covered up? And then she did what she pleased at wedding without care to the inlaws.
13) Glad it all turned out well for you, and you had fun.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Narcissism. When it becomes all about "the look" and less about celebrating your marriage with your family and friends, then they are just doing it for the adoration. To me, getting married was very personal and private. We just had a couple of people go with us to the courthouse and that was it. I always say that it is the marriage that matters, not the wedding. What a waste of money also.

For many weddings are a joyous and memorable occasion. Some have large families and numerous friends who want to share in the couples special day. I’m wondering if this is regional since several feel so negatively about a big more formal affair. It can be challenging to host a sizable gathering AND expensive. If one doesn’t understand nor want to be involved? Decline…it will make EVERYONE happier. Not every couple wants to run to the court house…be over and done with it. It’s a personal preference and no one should be criticized or shamed for their choice.

BTW…it IS all about the bride. It IS her day. All others are invited guests and are not required to attend.

 

[aprilgail]

It wasn't expensive to be part of my wedding party so I don't agree that it needs to be a huge expense. I asked the girls to buy any short navy dress they liked. Shoes of their choice. I offered make up if they wanted because I was getting mine done at my parents' house but certainly not necessary. It was my second wedding so I chose not to have a shower or bachelorette party. Also because I'm located in Philly, wedding was in NY, maid of honor in NJ and bridesmaid in NC I felt that would have been a lot to ask everyone to get together another weekend. (For the record, for my first wedding I did a local wine tasting afternoon and dinner out for my bachelorette so nothing ridiculously expensive there either). I was very cognizant and mindful of not being a huge financial burden to anyone who was doing me the honor of supporting me at the wedding for both my first and second weddings.

My husband also asked his guys to just buy light khaki linen pants (no specific store) and a white shirt and wear boat shoes (preferably navy but whatever). We provided the bow ties.

My daughter is getting married and her wedding party is young with college loans etc- she picked a color of dress and just asked each of them to buy any dress they could afford in that color so it doesn't inconvenience any of them. Also I am doing the bridal shower so it is not an added expense to the bridal party. For the bachelorette/bachelor party they are doing a combo since my daughter has guys in her bridal party and the groom has girls as his groomsmen. It is a weekend thing but everyone is staying at their house so no hotel expenses and they are doing a mixology class in the city then just partying at the house.

 

[kymom99]

I think today if someone came to me with a “will you be my bridesmaid” gift, I’d run the other way.

 

[Lilsia]

For many weddings are a joyous and memorable occasion. Some have large families and numerous friends who want to share in the couples special day. I’m wondering if this is regional since several feel so negatively about a big more formal affair. It can be challenging to host a sizable gathering AND expensive. If one doesn’t understand nor want to be involved? Decline…it will make EVERYONE happier. Not every couple wants to run to the court house…be over and done with it. It’s a personal preference and no one should be criticized or shamed for their choice.

BTW…it IS all about the bride. It IS her day. All others are invited guests and are not required to attend.

I don't think that you read my post clearly. We are talking about those couples that are not really interested in spending the day with their family and friends, but the ones where everything has to be "perfect", down to what the guest is wearing. I have seen people photoshop the color of other's clothing in their pictures. Any bride or groom that is so concerned with the length of their aunt's gown, is over the top and narcissistic. I don't like the whole "it's the bride's day", what about the groom? It is THEIR day. And why is something like the clothing that people wear, even something that concerns you on your wedding day. Shouldn't you be more focused on how you are changing your life by getting married? Weddings have become an excuse to have a big, expensive party where the bride can be in the limelight and have great pictures to show off on social media.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don't think that you read my post clearly. We are talking about those couples that are not really interested in spending the day with their family and friends, but the ones where everything has to be "perfect", down to what the guest is wearing. I have seen people photoshop the color of other's clothing in their pictures. Any bride or groom that is so concerned with the length of their aunt's gown, is over the top and narcissistic. I don't like the whole "it's the bride's day", what about the groom? It is THEIR day. And why is something like the clothing that people wear, even something that concerns you on your wedding day. Shouldn't you be more focused on how you are changing your life by getting married? Weddings have become an excuse to have a big, expensive party where the bride can be in the limelight and have great pictures to show off on social media.

I remember my mother-in-law commenting on my husband's former stepmother's look in photos and being quite judgmental about it.

In fairness the former stepmother was quite heinous to many including me (that is until as I knew we got engaged and then she flipped the switch) but it doesn't mean you get to be vicious back. Anyhow former stepmother was in chemo for breast cancer and had lost most of her hair, she was going back and forth between wearing a wig to the wedding or not, she was also overweight which drew comments as well about how she would look/dress. It didn't matter to me at all if she did or didn't nor was her weight what I even thought about.

Did I want nice photos? Well of course who doesn't. But nice to me wasn't about that detail. So anyways my mother-in-law said "oh but you don't want her ugly balding head in the photos do you?" I honestly couldn't believe how cruel of a statement she could make.

We don't even have photos on social media but a few of our wedding. We did make shutterfly wedding photo books though for our immediate family. There's photos of both her with and without the wig and I think she looks perfectly fine in them all. Such a detail I can't imagine focusing on.

Weddings for years have been about looks and appearances...to some that is. Bride, groom, mother, father, siblings, other immediate family members, etc. Certainly isn't a bride-only thing as far as looks are. Interesting you mention the groom because in the OP's info nary a word about the groom, as per usual focus is on the bride.

 

[TwoMisfits]

For many weddings are a joyous and memorable occasion. Some have large families and numerous friends who want to share in the couples special day. I’m wondering if this is regional since several feel so negatively about a big more formal affair. It can be challenging to host a sizable gathering AND expensive. If one doesn’t understand nor want to be involved? Decline…it will make EVERYONE happier. Not every couple wants to run to the court house…be over and done with it. It’s a personal preference and no one should be criticized or shamed for their choice.

BTW…it IS all about the bride. It IS her day. All others are invited guests and are not required to attend.

This is what I did for my siblings. Once I had kids and was nursing/pregnant with follow on kids (and now living on a single income), I told them I was done being in the bridal party, but I could supply flower girls and show up in any needed pics.

Best decision I ever made b/c I avoided all drama that way.

I think I was a reader in 2 sibling weddings, and I did that, even in a nice pantsuit for one (since I was breastfeeding, and no way was I gonna try that in a fancy dress).

 

[kymom99]

This is what I did for my siblings. Once I had kids and was nursing/pregnant with follow on kids (and now living on a single income), I told them I was done being in the bridal party, but I could supply flower girls and show up in any needed pics.

Best decision I ever made b/c I avoided all drama that way.

I think I was a reader in 2 sibling weddings, and I did that, even in a nice pantsuit for one (since I was breastfeeding, and no way was I gonna try that in a fancy dress).

When my oldest brother got married at 40 my sister and I told him we would rather he had the younger folks in the wedding. I did a reading. My sisters kids were in it.

They are both shall we say “limited”. They wanted my sister and her husband, and me and my husband in it. Also my other brother and both his kids. That’s a lot of formalwear to buy.

 

[TLSnell1981]

When my oldest brother got married at 40 my sister and I told him we would rather he had the younger folks in the wedding. I did a reading. My sisters kids were in it.

They are both shall we say “limited”. They wanted my sister and her husband, and me and my husband in it. Also my other brother and both his kids. That’s a lot of formalwear to buy.

Yes weddings are expensive. If you are unable to do it...say it on the front end. it will be a lot less heartache. Being asked means you were the first chosen...it's an honor. But no shame if you can not fill the commitment

 

[TLSnell1981]

I don't think that you read my post clearly. We are talking about those couples that are not really interested in spending the day with their family and friends, but the ones where everything has to be "perfect", down to what the guest is wearing. I have seen people photoshop the color of other's clothing in their pictures. Any bride or groom that is so concerned with the length of their aunt's gown, is over the top and narcissistic. I don't like the whole "it's the bride's day", what about the groom? It is THEIR day. And why is something like the clothing that people wear, even something that concerns you on your wedding day. Shouldn't you be more focused on how you are changing your life by getting married? Weddings have become an excuse to have a big, expensive party where the bride can be in the limelight and have great pictures to show off on social media.

I guess I did miss your initial,point. I love weddings and have attended many but never had the experience mentioned . I've only once seen the focus on the grooms and it was a same sex wedding IME ...usually all eyes on the bride. I've never known a husband who minded. They (husbands) were happy if there was plenty of good food and drink. Men are generally easy to please and do not want to be knee deep in wedding plans. I think the spiritual focus is between husband and wife. Fortunately there wasn't a dry eye at any of our kids weddings...very emotional with happy tears and lots of fun.

And note...father/daughter dance ...even the most hardened and cynical were sniffling.

and mother/groom...they always say it best IMO