Black-tie requested…wedding apparel issues. 2nd update -post 137

[disneychrista]

There are all kinds of wedding receptions, including black tie (which I’m not a fan of). Around here, all men wear at least a suit to weddings.

A formal wedding normally indicates wear a long gown for a formal evening event. It's just a dressy wedding, like a ball or formal dance. For some brides they have designed a very formal fancy event, and for some it's a real treat to do something dressy and special that they normally would not do. Cinderella style adult prom.

My DD talked about formal because she thought everyone would look so pretty and it would be so memorable BUT she realized that it was a bit much to expect, so she went with semi-formal because she wanted everyone to be a bit fancy and mostly because she was very concerned about men not wearing suits. We come from background where if it's indoors and nice you wear a suit - been to too many where the guys showed up in dockers and golf shirts. In the end a few who didn't own suits wore nicer business casual and it was fine but a couple came in what I thought was rude (I didn't know them) but they likely felt like they were being stared at (they were) so whatever.

I wish that were the case here. DD listed semi-formal because she didn't want the wedding to be what has become too common - way too too casual.

Guess I should be glad that I have never had to deal with such things.

 

[prairie_girl]

Where do rules for various events even come from? I question the authority who designated all the various rules on what to wear, who should be invited, and all of the "rules" of weddings. "Because It's always been this way???" I don't think so.

I say: Bite me. You want me there or you don't, I can stay home and send you a gift card.

This is why I haaaate the word tacky. Tacky to who? Just because you don’t like what I’m doing, as long as I’m not hurting anyone, who cares?

 

[RoseGold]

Wouldn't it be terrible if you had car trouble and missed the ceremony?

 

[Minnie1222]

But there are summer-friendly floor length dresses. You can be comfortable and meet the requirement.

 

[lifesavacation]

I’d change in between the ceremony and reception. I like to dress up every once in awhile so this would be something I’d look forward to.

I’d probably wear a sundress to the church if it is going to be really hot.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

People are allowed to set a dress code for their party and you are just as allowed to decline. It's an invitation, not a demand.

I had an outdoor backyard wedding in July (In the land of "cover your plate" so start the pearl clutching already). The date wasn't exactly our choice but it worked for our extended families for a variety of reasons. We didn't want our guests to assume suits for the men which is what is appropriate here for a wedding so we said "resort casual" on the invitation which is actually quite easy to google. Basically be neat and summery. When we found out the temperatures were soaring we sent out the alert to everyone to just be comfortable as possible (making sure men knew that shorts were totally okay). The attire wasn't what I would have chosen necessarily but it was a necessary adjustment. Out of our 100 yes responses we had 4 no shows which were two sets of aunt and uncles with health issues that had no business being out in that heat. And we were glad they decided to stay home so they were comfortable.

Black tie is black tie. If that's what they want then the couple should understand some will decline. But they are allowed to set the tone for their wedding.

It is always interesting to me when people try to change the definition of what that means because they don't want to follow the couple's wishes. I also see a lot of people on here saying their kids had black tie weddings because they wanted suits. That's not what black tie is. Whether people like it or not, dress codes have definitions and etiquette dictates certain things that you should respect. If you don't want to participate, that's totally your choice but then just don't attend. Basically if you don't know what a black tie wedding is then don't put it on your invitation and if you want a black tie wedding then you need to be okay with people declining if they don't own appropriate attire and aren't inclined to rent or purchase.

 

[Cheburashka]

Basically if you don't know what a black tie wedding is then don't put it on your invitation and if you want a black tie wedding then you need to be okay with people declining if they don't own appropriate attire and aren't inclined to rent or purchase.

This is fine, but remember that black tie is only proper in the evening, not the middle of the day. It's appropriate at the 5pm reception, but not at the 1pm wedding. The invitation should have clarified by saying "black tie reception". Really, the wedding and reception shouldn't be 4 hours apart, necessitating separate daytime and evening wear.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

This is fine, but remember that black tie is only proper in the evening, not the middle of the day. It's appropriate at the 5pm reception, but not at the 1pm wedding. The invitation should have clarified by saying "black tie reception". Really, the wedding and reception shouldn't be 4 hours apart, necessitating separate daytime and evening wear.

Totally agree it's not appropriate in the middle of the day and the invitation should have indicated it was for the reception. You are 100% right. (Not that you need me to tell you that!)

In my experience (ymmv) if you want a church ceremony and evening reception there will always be a gap and it's pretty common here and people figure out what to do because they are used to it. Of course I understand wedding customs vary wildly by region!

 

[Praying Colonel]

Wouldn't it be terrible if you had car trouble and missed the ceremony?

MTE. The more difficult/uncomfortable they make it for me, the more likely I am to have some "emergency" or "illness" that prevents me from attending. Exception would be close family, but my close family wouldn't do something like this.

 

[HopperFan]

Where do rules for various events even come from? I question the authority who designated all the various rules on what to wear, who should be invited, and all of the "rules" of weddings. "Because It's always been this way???" I don't think so.

I say: Bite me. You want me there or you don't, I can stay home and send you a gift card.

They've been around well over a hundred years, have been cultivated and adjusted with time by people considered etiquette/manners/social experts.

If one is hosting an event they have full authority who they want to invite, full authority as to what dress code they want at their event and decide what rules of etiquette they wish to breach.

I think when hosts determine their event they take everything in consideration including that some who don't appreciate the parameters of the event may not come. It is okay if you don't go, I've skipped more weddings than I have attended for various reasons. In my own and DD weddings we decided who to invite (yup some were mad), we set the dress codes and we breached some rules.

Host can set their own "rules" for their event
and
Guests can determine if they will attend or not.
All is good.

This is why I haaaate the word tacky. Tacky to who? Just because you don’t like what I’m doing, as long as I’m not hurting anyone, who cares?

If someone/business is setting a standard for their own event, and a guest/attendee decides to do something opposite or unwanted, then it would be tacky (not in good taste). Tacky isn't just a "style" like gaudy but it's a behavior. It doesn't matter to who, it only matters to host.

People are allowed to set a dress code for their party and you are just as allowed to decline. It's an invitation, not a demand.

I had an outdoor backyard wedding in July (In the land of "cover your plate" so start the pearl clutching already). The date wasn't exactly our choice but it worked for our extended families for a variety of reasons. We didn't want our guests to assume suits for the men which is what is appropriate here for a wedding so we said "resort casual" on the invitation which is actually quite easy to google. Basically be neat and summery. When we found out the temperatures were soaring we sent out the alert to everyone to just be comfortable as possible (making sure men knew that shorts were totally okay). The attire wasn't what I would have chosen necessarily but it was a necessary adjustment. Out of our 100 yes responses we had 4 no shows which were two sets of aunt and uncles with health issues that had no business being out in that heat. And we were glad they decided to stay home so they were comfortable.

Black tie is black tie. If that's what they want then the couple should understand some will decline. But they are allowed to set the tone for their wedding.

It is always interesting to me when people try to change the definition of what that means because they don't want to follow the couple's wishes. I also see a lot of people on here saying their kids had black tie weddings because they wanted suits. That's not what black tie is. Whether people like it or not, dress codes have definitions and etiquette dictates certain things that you should respect. If you don't want to participate, that's totally your choice but then just don't attend. Basically if you don't know what a black tie wedding is then don't put it on your invitation and if you want a black tie wedding then you need to be okay with people declining if they don't own appropriate attire and aren't inclined to rent or purchase.

Yes, hosts determine the dress code but it would be helpful if hosts study up and understand what they are saying. In OP situation they are technically hosting two events: a daytime wedding and a nighttime reception, with substantial gap in between. It would have been more helpful to acknowledge there are two dress codes or at least make sure the formal is attached to reception only. If there were no hours long gap of time, or change of venue then I could see a one dress code situation, but not here.

Yes, black tie is black tie and there is no real variation in what it requires. A gown is a gown, it is not a maxi dress or sundress neither of which would be okay in the evening event ... so again, too bad hosts don't understand.

SO INTERESTING how hard this seems to be for hosts and guests when a simple google makes it quite clear what the differences are and how one should dress. My DD had a vision for her wedding, it was a night wedding, very formal decor yet in an old factory building, served appetizers cocktail hour, full meal, full bar .... and she would have loved all the ladies in long dresses or fancy. She def wanted men in suits, not casual. But she put herself in shoes of guests and went with Semi-Formal and hoped men would at least be dressed up, preferably a suit. Most did. A plus one showed in cowboy boots, jeans and cowboy hat .... yup he was stared at by many. Once he was dancing he fell into the entertainment category. She didn't let it upset her but yes, it was tacky. [Note: He was a rodeo rider so maybe his date didn't explain to him the dress code or that we wouldn't have horses. ]

MTE. The more difficult/uncomfortable they make it for me, the more likely I am to have some "emergency" or "illness" that prevents me from attending. Exception would be close family, but my close family wouldn't do something like this.

Hopefully not a last minute emergency where you are on a YES list and they can't adjust their numbers. Just RSVP no right away, no reason is ever needed.

DD had about 15 people RSVP yes then not show up. Food costs alone were around $900 and that doesn't include the bar.



I've ALWAYS said no one is owed an invitation to a wedding and shouldn't expect one. I do not expect one from anyone except my own children. As a host no one should expect someone they invite to attend their wedding as there are many reasons they can't/won't attend. There are no obligations either way.

I have other personal wedding thoughts but that's a whole other ball of wax.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Hopefully not a last minute emergency where you are on a YES list and they can't adjust their numbers. Just RSVP no right away, no reason is ever needed.

DD had about 15 people RSVP yes then not show up. Food costs alone were around $900 and that doesn't include the bar.

No, in that situation I'd RSVP no and make sure they got an extra nice gift.

 

[punkin]

This is fine, but remember that black tie is only proper in the evening, not the middle of the day. It's appropriate at the 5pm reception, but not at the 1pm wedding. The invitation should have clarified by saying "black tie reception". Really, the wedding and reception shouldn't be 4 hours apart, necessitating separate daytime and evening wear.

I actually hate having to specify any dress code on the invitation. Black tie (or at the very least cocktail attire) should be assumed based on the type of venue, time and formal invitation wording. However in the modern age people will show up to an evening wedding at the Ritz in khakis and sneakers.
I think the huge time gap is not unusual for church weddings with a separate venue for the reception. It's a function of church requirements not the wedding party's.
In any event...a guest can always decline and send a nice gift (or not). A guest does not get to set the dress code.

 

[SharonZ]

Wedding at 1:00, reception at 5:00 - that's a long break.

 

[Micca]

Wedding at 1:00, reception at 5:00 - that's a long break.

I think there is Rom-Com potential here. In the 4 hour time-frame there is mischief and misadventure, everyone shows up at the reception in rags, but they're happy and tell the bridezilla to shove it. Just spit-ballin' here

 

[mjkacmom]

Wedding at 1:00, reception at 5:00 - that's a long break.

Sometimes it’s easier to have a longer break where it’s like two s events that a shorter one. We were married in a Catholic Church so had to schedule around Mass times, fortunately our venue was 10 minutes away so we took pictures during happy hour. If this couple wanted a formal wedding but could only get married at 1 I can see there being a gap.

 

[sk!mom]

Weddings are the most expensive celebration/party any of us will likely ever host. You should have whatever type of event you want realizing that if any part of it is inconvenient, difficult, or expensive some guests may decline.

The long gap would be more reason for me to skip this one than the dress code. I’d only take up an entire Saturday and night for family and maybe one or two unrelated people.

 

[cedricandsophie]

We have a black tie wedding coming u. Wedding in the same venue as reception at 430. We will wear formal But if it were in a church I would wear a daytime dress and then change to formal dress.

 

[shoney]

Weddings are the most expensive celebration/party any of us will likely ever host. You should have whatever type of event you want realizing that if any part of it is inconvenient, difficult, or expensive some guests may decline.

The long gap would be more reason for me to skip this one than the dress code. I’d only take up an entire Saturday and night for family and maybe one or two unrelated people.

Pretty common here to have a gap. Churches don’t have night ceremonies and most want a night reception.

Rarely do you see a full turn out. Many just go to reception. Mostly close family, friends and the same old people that attend everything at the church. Lol

 

[_19disnA]

If the wedding STARTS @ 1 pm you also need to consider how long the ceremony will last. Somewhere between 30 minutes and 1 1/2 hrs seems common. Therefore, the gap between events is based on when the ceremony ends (not when it starts) and the reception. Receptions are scheduled based on what works for them and is independent of how the location of the ceremony operates.

 

[prairie_girl]

They've been around well over a hundred years, have been cultivated and adjusted with time by people considered etiquette/manners/social experts.

If one is hosting an event they have full authority who they want to invite, full authority as to what dress code they want at their event and decide what rules of etiquette they wish to breach.

I think when hosts determine their event they take everything in consideration including that some who don't appreciate the parameters of the event may not come. It is okay if you don't go, I've skipped more weddings than I have attended for various reasons. In my own and DD weddings we decided who to invite (yup some were mad), we set the dress codes and we breached some rules.

Host can set their own "rules" for their event
and
Guests can determine if they will attend or not.
All is good.


If someone/business is setting a standard for their own event, and a guest/attendee decides to do something opposite or unwanted, then it would be tacky (not in good taste). Tacky isn't just a "style" like gaudy but it's a behavior. It doesn't matter to who, it only matters to host.



Yes, hosts determine the dress code but it would be helpful if hosts study up and understand what they are saying. In OP situation they are technically hosting two events: a daytime wedding and a nighttime reception, with substantial gap in between. It would have been more helpful to acknowledge there are two dress codes or at least make sure the formal is attached to reception only. If there were no hours long gap of time, or change of venue then I could see a one dress code situation, but not here.

Yes, black tie is black tie and there is no real variation in what it requires. A gown is a gown, it is not a maxi dress or sundress neither of which would be okay in the evening event ... so again, too bad hosts don't understand.

SO INTERESTING how hard this seems to be for hosts and guests when a simple google makes it quite clear what the differences are and how one should dress. My DD had a vision for her wedding, it was a night wedding, very formal decor yet in an old factory building, served appetizers cocktail hour, full meal, full bar .... and she would have loved all the ladies in long dresses or fancy. She def wanted men in suits, not casual. But she put herself in shoes of guests and went with Semi-Formal and hoped men would at least be dressed up, preferably a suit. Most did. A plus one showed in cowboy boots, jeans and cowboy hat .... yup he was stared at by many. Once he was dancing he fell into the entertainment category. She didn't let it upset her but yes, it was tacky. [Note: He was a rodeo rider so maybe his date didn't explain to him the dress code or that we wouldn't have horses. ]


Hopefully not a last minute emergency where you are on a YES list and they can't adjust their numbers. Just RSVP no right away, no reason is ever needed.

DD had about 15 people RSVP yes then not show up. Food costs alone were around $900 and that doesn't include the bar.



I've ALWAYS said no one is owed an invitation to a wedding and shouldn't expect one. I do not expect one from anyone except my own children. As a host no one should expect someone they invite to attend their wedding as there are many reasons they can't/won't attend. There are no obligations either way.

I have other personal wedding thoughts but that's a whole other ball of wax.

I wasn’t talking about behaviour at a wedding. Of course you should be following the bride and grooms requests. That’s a no brainer. I’m talking about things like charging to get into a batchlorette party, or wearing white after Labour Day lol