birthday dinner etiquette question

[DebbieB]

I went to a surprise birthday lunch for a friend at a restaurant a couple of months ago. The hosts paid for the meals and soft drinks/coffee/tea. Alcohol was on your own. I gave her a $25 gift card.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I did this just recently for my mom's surprise 60th birthday. On the invitation I included the name and address of the restaurant and put that cake would be provided. This implied to each person that they would be buying their own meal. I also specifically put on the invitation that there were to be no gifts, that their presence was their present. I've been to many of these events and never expected my meal to be paid for. Basically it's just meeting at a restaurant to celebrate with someone on their special day. The restaurant we went to did not charge for their room and allowed me to bring in a cake

Oh my
I would never do this - nor have I ever been invited to anything like this. I am having a surprise birthday party next month for my husband and expect about 60-70 people - we are going to his favorite restaurant in Greektown. I will pay the entire bill.

How can you invite people to a dinner and make them pay for it? Seems tacky to me.

 

[aprilgail2]

Oh my
I would never do this - nor have I ever been invited to anything like this. I am having a surprise birthday party next month for my husband and expect about 60-70 people - we are going to his favorite restaurant in Greektown. I will pay the entire bill.

How can you invite people to a dinner and make them pay for it? Seems tacky to me.

Lol-seems tacky because it IS tacky. I guess you can set up a cash register at a wedding and charge people for their dinners as they walk in the door too lol.

 

[Bob NC]

Lol-seems tacky because it IS tacky. I guess you can set up a cash register at a wedding and charge people for their dinners as they walk in the door too lol.

If you believe that telling a bunch of people you are going to celebrate a birthday at a restaurant is the same as setting up a cash register at the entrance to a wedding reception, well, I think you might be really reaching to reinforce your point that you have made clear to us repeatedly.

 

[okeydokey]

If it just a casual get together where you meet at a restaurant and push a few tables together, then it not actually a birthday party and there should be no written invitation. To send a written invitation suggests obviously that you are Inviting them. If you are inviting them then obviously you pay.

If you make a couple of phone calls to close friends and say you are taking birthday boy out to dinner and maybe friends would like to meet you there, it implies it is not actually a party, no gifts expected and everyone takes care of their own meal that they choose of the regular menu.

 

[Bob NC]

If you make a couple of phone calls to close friends and say you are taking birthday boy out to dinner and maybe friends would like to meet you there, it implies it is not actually a party, no gifts expected and everyone takes care of their own meal that they choose of the regular menu.

Yeah, to me this is kind of what the OP was describing. She is not actually the host of a birthday party, just having friends meet at a restaurant for a birthday dinner.

But still, this is a great opportunity for Dissers to call the OP TACKY.

Name calling is all the rage in the Dis, and if you have to make assumptions and embelish the OP's post in order to name call, why not?

 

[focusondisney]

If you had the party at home, you'd be (the only one) paying for the food.
If you had the party in a rented room, you'd be (again the only one) paying for the food.
So if you're having the party in a restaurant, you should be the one paying for the food.

Totaly agree with this. If you're "giving" the party, you should pay. If you want to have a party for your DH, have a party you can afford. I've never given a party for my DH, but I would compare it to giving a party for my kids. I gave many parties for them at bowling alleys, pizza places & skating. I paid for everything. I was the host; the friends & relatives were our guests. Hosts pay; guests don't.

 

[cluvsdisney]

I don't know why having the party in a restaurant means the guests should pay for their own meal whereas at home or in a party room you would pay.

But how do you and your friends usually handle birthdays? This should give you an idea of what everyone's expectations will be. For DH & I, we celebrate with one group of people where the host pays, the host being the birthday person's spouse since they are inviting everyone to celebrate the birthday person. With a group of my girlfriends, we'll invite the birthday person out to dinner, treat them to dinner and split the check among the rest of us.

 

[focusondisney]

Yeah, to me this is kind of what the OP was describing. She is not actually the host of a birthday party, just having friends meet at a restaurant for a birthday dinner.

Here's the OP:

so I want to have a birthday dinner for DH but our apartment is way too small (700 square feet!). It will something simple, low-key and fun, just 10ish people. I'm looking into renting a small room if it is available but if not we're having it at a restaurant, someplace like applebees, chilis, etc. My question is this: When you're invited to someones birthday dinner at a restaurant, do you expect to pay for yourself? This is my first time hosting a party at a place like this and I don't know the etiquette. Obviously if we're hosting it at the rented place we'll be providing all the food, drinks, etc but it's looking like it will be at the restaurant. So, what's the proper etiquette here? Thanks!

But she is by her own words "hosting a party". She would pay if in a private room, why would she not pay in a different location? The only thing she acknowledges as different is the location: home, private room or large table in a restaurant. She's still the host. Friends are still guests.

Edit: I'm not calling her tacky, either. Just answering her question.

 

[richmond282]

Totaly agree with this. If you're "giving" the party, you should pay. If you want to have a party for your DH, have a party you can afford. I've never given a party for my DH, but I would compare it to giving a party for my kids. I gave many parties for them at bowling alleys, pizza places & skating. I paid for everything. I was the host; the friends & relatives were our guests. Hosts pay; guests don't.

The OP did NOT say she's couldn't afford to pay or wasn't willing to pay. She asked an etiquette question.

 

[Bob NC]

It might be tacky, it might not.

 

[Bluestars]

The OP talked about hosting a birthday party for her husband at various places. To me, that is not the same thing as calling up a few friends and asking them if they want to join you for dinner and celebrate a birthday.

I think the OP would only be tacky if she didn't make the invitation clear that the guests would have to pay their own way. Although if I hosted a party, I would pay. One of my kids was invited to a birthday party at a skating rink once. I was shocked that when we got there we were expected to pay our own way.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Yes I would assume I was paying for myself.

 

[DaisyD]

If I'm inviting then I'm paying. I had a party for DH at the Green Turtle. We had 55 people and I paid for everything. I would be a little ticked if invited to a party at a restaurant or anywhere and be expected to pay.

 

[Jennasis]

I am attending a party this weekend. A surprise party at a local roller rink for my sister's 30th birthday (and it's a 70's theme to boot! Have the costume all set). The party is being thrown by her boyfriend...and he's charging $20 per person.

Yup...I'm paying a cover charge to go to my sister's party. Plus I'm flying to NY for it (and I hate flying). Sigh...

 

[DaisyD]

Yeah, to me this is kind of what the OP was describing. She is not actually the host of a birthday party, just having friends meet at a restaurant for a birthday dinner.

But still, this is a great opportunity for Dissers to call the OP TACKY.

Name calling is all the rage in the Dis, and if you have to make assumptions and embelish the OP's post in order to name call, why not?

If she is inviting people to celebrate a birthday then she is indeed the host and it would be tacky to expect guests to pay. I don't believe the OP said she was actually going to do this but was here asking for opinions and advice. Just because they may not be the ones she wants to hear doesn't make them wrong. I agree with many that is is tacky. The OP would be better off inviting a few close friends to a pizza place and sticking with that SHE can afford to pay since SHE is the one inviting.

 

[Bluestars]

I am attending a party this weekend. A surprise party at a local roller rink for my sister's 30th birthday (and it's a 70's theme to boot! Have the costume all set). The party is being thrown by her boyfriend...and he's charging $20 per person.

Yup...I'm paying a cover charge to go to my sister's party. Plus I'm flying to NY for it (and I hate flying). Sigh...

The party sounds like fun though.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Here's a question... what constitutes a "party"? To me, a get together at a restaurant where you just put tables together isn't a party (regardless of WHY you're getting together) and I would expect to pay for my meal/drinks.

But a get together at a house, park, or private room of a business IS a "party" and I would be expecting the host to provide meals (at least snacks/appetizers) and non-alcoholic drinks.

Could this be the difference in definitions?

If you believe that telling a bunch of people you are going to celebrate a birthday at a restaurant is the same as setting up a cash register at the entrance to a wedding reception, well, I think you might be really reaching to reinforce your point that you have made clear to us repeatedly.

"I want to have a dinner for my husband's birthday..." isn't a simple get-together to celebrate it. At the other locations named in the original post, the OP would reasonably be expected to provide (pay for) the entire dinner. Therefore she as the host would be expected to pay for the entire dinner if she decides to hold it in a restaurant.

 

[Bob NC]

"I want to have a dinner for my husband's birthday..." isn't a simple get-together to celebrate it. At the other locations named in the original post, the OP would reasonably be expected to provide (pay for) the entire dinner. Therefore she as the host would be expected to pay for the entire dinner if she decides to hold it in a restaurant.

Well that sounds very official. So, it must be true for everyone, everywhere, under all circumstances.

I guess no other opinions are allowed, then?

 

[nchulka]

This must be a regional thing. Seems some people fully expect to pay for their own meal when invited to restaurant birthday party and some think it's tacky. Around here it's the norm that each person pays for themselves. An invitation would go out stating the restaurant and time and say something like cake will be provided. everyone expects to pay for their own meal. I have both been to these, and given these, it's the norm. I would be shocked if the host offered to pay for everyone!