Beacuse I don't want kids, that's why! *pardon my rant..*

[anniemae]

I have no idea why people feel it is okay to ask about children and your plans but they do. It is such an incredibly private decision.

Just so you know, it dosent end if you have kids, we were married for 6 years before having kids, and we were constantly asked when we were having kids. Now we are constantly asked when we are giving dd a sibling.

Never feel you have to explain yourself to people. It is you and DH decision to have kids or not. I know many married couples who decided not to have kids and they lead incredible and fulfilling lives.

 

[CruiserMom]

We were married over 8 years before we had DD11. I got that question alot too, especially since I was 34 when she was born.

NOW DD11 is an only child. We love her dearly, but the "baby" part of it was hard, I suffered from PPD, and had several miscarriages after her. We got (and still get) lots of comments about her being an only child. (Oh, you just have THE ONE?? and Things must be so easy for you since you only have THE ONE!!).

Sometimes I wish people would just shut up.

 

[Jeafl]

The way I see it, the only way to escape any comment at all is to have 2 children, a boy and a girl exactly 2 years apart, preferably not too long after the wedding.

If you wait, you get "When are you having kids?"

Once you have a child you get "When are you having another one?"

If you DO have another one, and it is the same sex as the first one you get "Are you going to try for a _____?"

If you have one of each, and are pregnant with a third, you get "Was it an accident? You already have one of each"

You can't win, so don't even try. It is a fact of nature that people feel free to comment on other people's reproductive choices.

I can't tell you how many people assumed my youngest daughter was an accident because we already had one of each! People even asked me if she was an accident in FRONT OF HER!

 

[lovemygoofy]

Married almost seven years here and receive the question now on a daily basis from it seems almost all strangers we meet.

One very persistent person wanted to know why WHY we just haven't had one. We should be using our very limited time together for having a child. I was at the end of my rope and said if you are planning to pay child support for the baby every month, I'll pop one out tomorrow.

My mother in law, who will be the death of me someday along with my own mom, never fails to bring up the topic at least once a month. It's great fun during the deployments because it's all about my husband being killed and him never returning home and that there will be nothing left of him for her to love. After many of these conversations, I finally just told her that if my husband was to die, I would have his life insurance money and he could live on through that. Never said another word about it but did mention to my husband that I wanted him to die so I could spend his money.

Unfournately, OP, you will get this question from now until the end of enternity. I would prepare a canned answer and if the person becomes persistent just pointedly dismiss the conversation.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

We were married almost 10 years before we decided to have a child. My "snappy" comeback was, "Thank you for being interested in my sex life! I'll be happy to share the details with you since you seem so interested." Well, after telling 2 relatives this, they stopped asking the question.

Yep, I've been told that I have a smart mouth and thank you, I'm very proud of the fact that I think quickly on my feet -- particularly when questions are just so innappropriate!

Good luck and remember, whatever your decision, it is your decision to make as a couple.

K

 

[Gammaresource]

I don't think polite questions are excuses for rude answers. People who give smartmouth answers are usually self centered.

It is possible to rise above rudeness, and just answer.

eta: OP, there is no excuse for people going past the polite chit chat question. The ability to end a conversation with grace can get you far in life. Personally, and professionally.

 

[Serena]

My ex sister in law, started right away. But had girls. So, she was safe for awhile. Then she kept having girls. At three they decided to try for one more, to make it even and had twins. Yeah, more girls. Then they had another, girl.

They couldn't win between aren't you going to try for a boy, or don't you know what causes that/why don't one of you get fixed already?

Her sister doesn't have any kids. My girls thinks that's just fine. I think that's just fine. At 17 and 23, if they don't want any at this point, I am glad. Now, if they never change their minds, I will be ok with that too.

 

[Ember]

I do not mind if people ask me the question, as long as they do not give me a hard time about my answer. But most of the time, I am made to feel horrible for my decision. I am told I will die alone, how wonderful motherhood is. I am told it does not matter how I feel now, I will want one at some point.

I love these comments. "Who will take care of you when you're old?" Because that's a good reason for having kids. I do also adore the, "You'll change your mind / regret it," offerings. Truthfully, I might. Who knows. Of course, people with children also might change their minds or regret it and they're stuck at that point. Aborting children when they're teenagers is really frowned upon in our society.

Generally I let it roll off my back. Yesterday was just a very rapid fire judgment day about the whole thing. I feel better now.

 

[Serena]

I don't think polite questions are excuses for rude answers. People who give smartmouth answers are usually self centered.

It is possible to rise above rudeness, and just answer.

They are not polite questions. And some times you just get tired of people asking and being rude about it.
It is usually better to be polite with your answers, but that usually takes a lot of patience. Sometimes you just aren't up to being polite to nosy people.

 

[Gammaresource]

They are not polite questions. And some times you just get tired of people asking and being rude about it.
It is usually better to be polite with your answers, but that usually takes a lot of patience. Sometimes you just aren't up to being polite to nosy people.

Funny, I think that talking and listening to people talk about their lives and plans is polite. That is the basis for most relationships. I can't imagine being offended by a basic question like that. Why bother? Don't you talk with the people you know about their lives, plans, dreams?

As far as families taking care of their own as they age, I wonder too, how those without children manage without taking advantage of other people's children. Not a reason to have them, but obviously a blessing in the situation.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I don't think polite questions are excuses for rude answers. People who give smartmouth answers are usually self centered.

It is possible to rise above rudeness, and just answer.

eta: OP, there is no excuse for people going past the polite chit chat question. The ability to end a conversation with grace can get you far in life. Personally, and professionally.

It is NO one's business. This maybe polite chit chat but to some it's a very ongoing and painful subject and just the conversation of being childless can cause alot of heartache.
If people had enough manners not to ask such personal questions, there wouldn't be a need to make such person recognize the need to be quiet.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't think polite questions are excuses for rude answers. People who give smartmouth answers are usually self centered.

It is possible to rise above rudeness, and just answer.

eta: OP, there is no excuse for people going past the polite chit chat question. The ability to end a conversation with grace can get you far in life. Personally, and professionally.

Polite chit chat is not prying into the personal lives of others and expecting them to answer questions that you have no business asking. For those people who do think its polite conversation, I wouldn't expect them to understand any other answer but a *rude* to the point one.

 

[LoraJ]

Funny, I think that talking and listening to people talk about their lives and plans is polite. That is the basis for most relationships. I can't imagine being offended by a basic question like that. Why bother? Don't you talk with the people you know about their lives, plans, dreams?

As far as families taking care of their own as they age, I wonder too, how those without children manage without taking advantage of other people's children. Not a reason to have them, but obviously a blessing in the situation.

The problem is, people are not satisfied with the answers given. If you tell someone you are not planning on having children, they can't leave it alone. They want to know why. If I give them a reason, they come up with a reason to counter it and it just goes back and forth. it really is no ones business. For all you know the person can't physically have one and it is painful for them to talk about it. So they have come up with another explanation.

Once someone gives you their initial response, just stop there and mind your own business. Because you, as the one asking the question are being rude and unprofessional.

 

[Gammaresource]

It is NO one's business. This maybe polite chit chat but to some it's a very ongoing and painful subject and just the conversation of being childless can cause alot of heartache.
If people had enough manners not to ask such personal questions, there wouldn't be a need to make such person recognize the need to be quiet.

Do you honestly believe that you never bring up a matter to someone else that might be painful? Just in the course of conversation?

Yes it is a tender issue for some, but life has a lot of those. Rather than taking every little thing offensively, sometimes one needs to look at it the way others meant it.

Most people do have children, and most people do not find a simple question to be offensive.

 

[Gammaresource]

The problem is, people are not satisfied with the answers given. If you tell someone you are not planning on having children, they can't leave it alone. They want to know why. If I give them a reason, they come up with a reason to counter it and it just goes back and forth. it really is no ones business. For all you know the person can't physically have one and it is painful for them to talk about it. So they have come up with another explanation.

Once someone gives you their initial response, just stop there and mind your own business. Because you, as the one asking the question are being rude and unprofessional.

That is an adult way to deal with it. As I said, learning to end a conversation is an excellent skill.

 

[luvmy3]

Do you honestly believe that you never bring up a matter to someone else that might be painful? Just in the course of conversation?

Yes it is a tender issue for some, but life has a lot of those. Rather than taking every little thing offensively, sometimes one needs to look at it the way others meant it.

Most people do have children, and most people do not find a simple question to be offensive.

So the OP shouldn't take these things personaly or be offended when someone asks about her choice not to have children?

(From the OP)
Then comes my answer, "I don't think we're going to."

This leads immediately to questions ranging freely from my reasons for not wanting them to my possible character flaws. These can include anything from how I must not be a "real" woman to how I'm selfish and self centered. Everyone from family, to co-workers, to near strangers feel free to comment.

 

[Robinrs]

Rule of life, you cannot change people, only your reaction to them.

I had to leave my hometown due to stupid questions... looking back on it now I really wish I had the common sense and wisdom I have now.

I lost my first child at 31 years old. I had a very PUBLIC pregnancy because I worked at a radio station and tookt he subway to work daily. Everyone was excited about my pregnancy and so was I.

My baby died 3 days after birth. One month later I had to go back to my old routine and get asked by strangers, friends and family the same questions... where's the baby? What did you have? When are you going to try again?

It was just horrible.

I moved to Atlanta a year later, to people who didn't know my history and maybe the questions would stop.

Unfortunately I left with the same attitude and angst I had back in NY. I hadn't faced or learned how to handle my "demons".

To save your sanity realize that those who are asking are coming from a position of tradition some from love for you. I doubt very seriously that they MEAN to hurt you. Yes, some people think it's a woman's job to have children, some people think it's a woman's job to care for a man, too... I beg to differ. And I've had to deal with that anomaly ALL of my life.

Don't get offended, life is too short. Answer with a one sentence reply that doesn't require a response. I call them PERIOD SENTENCES. "We haven't decided but thanks for asking". Don't start a debate with them, it's none of their business, it's only yours.

 

[NY Disney fan]

We were married over 8 years before we had DD11. I got that question alot too, especially since I was 34 when she was born.

NOW DD11 is an only child. We love her dearly, but the "baby" part of it was hard, I suffered from PPD, and had several miscarriages after her. We got (and still get) lots of comments about her being an only child. (Oh, you just have THE ONE?? and Things must be so easy for you since you only have THE ONE!!).

Sometimes I wish people would just shut up.

I can relate to this. I have 1 child and people (including my gynecologist) are constantly asking if I'm going to have another one. It pains me because I *want* another child but I can't have one. I hate explaining that to strangers.

 

[Gammaresource]

So the OP shouldn't take these things personaly or be offended when someone asks about her choice not to have children?

(From the OP)
Then comes my answer, "I don't think we're going to."

This leads immediately to questions ranging freely from my reasons for not wanting them to my possible character flaws. These can include anything from how I must not be a "real" woman to how I'm selfish and self centered. Everyone from family, to co-workers, to near strangers feel free to comment.

Well, what positive comes from being offended? Does it work? Dealing with the issue works. Why care what that random list of people think?

As I said earlier, everyone screws up, asks the wrong thing, brings up an uncomfortable subject sometime. Give others the grace you hope for when you screw up.

 

[luvmy3]

Well, what positive comes from being offended? Does it work? Dealing with the issue works. Why care what that random list of people think?

As I said earlier, everyone screws up, asks the wrong thing, brings up an uncomfortable subject sometime. Give others the grace you hope for when you screw up.

Asking the wrong thing I can see, but accusing someone as having character flaws, or not being a real woman because they don't want children goes way beyond that, and is undeserving of any grace by those who they purposely offended. Maybe you should be asking the same of them that you are asking of the OP

ITA about dealing with issues, an in your face answer to shut them up would surely deal with their issues