Asking a friend to join your vacation

[tikilyn]

Just one cent worth (that is, less than two cents).

I do not think it was proper for the host to start the conversation without offering to pay nearly all of the costs.

Even so, if something goes wrong, even a family emergency, there will be money (notably airfare) lost by someone and the friendship is very likely to be gone, finished, kaput, fubar.

(added later) I think that making the invitation where the guest has to pay $900. out of the total of $1100. would be an insult.

I agree with seashoreCM! We are doing the same thing for our dd for her 15th birthday. The difference is we offered to pay for my dd best friend. The only money she needs to bring is spending money. We are paying the whole bill. I don't feel it's right to invite someone and expect them to pay for the whole bill but thats just me.

Is there a proper rule for this type of situation?

 

[ellie05]

I don't see the problem inviting a kid and asking her family to pay. Make it clear that if the answer is no, you don't feel like you are owed an explanation and since it's a surprise for your daughter, she never has to know that the friend coming was even on the table. Low pressure as possible. I would never let my kid go on a vacation completely footed by someone else. Why should someone get a free vacation to stinkin' Disney world just because the family wants their company? It's like a school field trip...the opportunity is provided, the chaperoning is provided, the planning is done for you...but you still have to pay for it.

If you are asking them to pay you are not inviting them but asking to join you. I think there is a difference between a field trip, or a summer vacation invitation that a birthday trip. The fact that it is birthday puts extra pressure. I think it is weird to say would your child like to come to my DD birthday celebration for $900? I wouldn't expect for them to pay the full bill but if they are "inviting" them I would expect to give money for souvenirs and maybe to cover a full meal for the family inviting them. I think that if I was inviting a kid to join us I would pay for their way and anything their family wants to contribute would be nice but not expected.
I think expecting a family to come up with $900 for her friends birthday trip is too much to ask unless they family is very well off.

 

[RLGNC]

I don't think there was anything wrong with your asking the family if their daughter could join you. Your offer to pay a portion of the costs was a gesture showing them that you are offering what you can. If someone asked my daughter to go with them and I couldn't foot the bill, I wouldn't have a problem thanking them for the offer but saying it wasn't within our budget. I agree with a pp who said to give it a few days and then re-contact the family to let them know you understand if she can't come. Good luck! I hope your daughter has a great birthday trip!

 

[Lothlórien]

The rules: The host should up front all of the advance costs and deposits. The host should absorb all losses resulting from the trip's not happening.
The exceptions: If the guest backs out or no-shows or misbehaves then the guest should be responsible for her added costs.
Even though the guest is the only person who can make use of what remains of her airfare, she may have difficulty arranging a trip of her own if the original trip fails so the host should absorb that cost unless an exception above applies.

Seriously? Rules according to who? That is insane.

 

[Lothlórien]

If you are asking them to pay you are not inviting them but asking to join you. I think there is a difference between a field trip, or a summer vacation invitation that a birthday trip. The fact that it is birthday puts extra pressure. I think it is weird to say would your child like to come to my DD birthday celebration for $900? I wouldn't expect for them to pay the full bill but if they are "inviting" them I would expect to give money for souvenirs and maybe to cover a full meal for the family inviting them. I think that if I was inviting a kid to join us I would pay for their way and anything their family wants to contribute would be nice but not expected.
I think expecting a family to come up with $900 for her friends birthday trip is too much to ask unless they family is very well off.

It really isn't any different than a destination wedding. People do it all of the time and unless they are loaded, the bride and groom do not pay for the guest's hotel, airfare, etc.

 

[IrishNYC]

If a friend asked ME to join her for a 4 day birthday party trip and my share was 75%, I'd tell her she was nuts. If my daughters friends parents asked my kid to join them on a trip as you've suggested, I'd be pretty stunned into radio silence.

ETA: part of my being stunned would be wondering why you bothered offering to kick in $200. I just see the whole invite as being rather presumptuous. $900 is a huge chunk of our whole annual vacation budget...for one persons, for 4 days.

 

[winterwhite]

It really isn't any different than a destination wedding. People do it all of the time and unless they are loaded, the bride and groom do not pay for the guest's hotel, airfare, etc.

People have destination weddings all the time and many people do feel it is rude to basically force people to take and pay for a vacation at your choice of destinstion, or miss your wedding entirely.

OP, I am in the camp that this was rude. You obviously don't want the friend to join you, enough to sacrifice on any other part of a (ridiculously expensive for four days) trip in order to bring friend - so you would only "love" to have her along if someone else pays for it.

 

[laughinplace199]

So the whole trip would cost about $4000 if the friend goes. I know you haven't heard from the friend yet so you don't know if she's coming or if there's an issue with the cost, but if money is an issue for them, could you downgrade to a cheaper hotel or maybe skip the dining plan and extras (xmas party and brunch)?

 

[Nancyg56]

The rules: The host should up front all of the advance costs and deposits. The host should absorb all losses resulting from the trip's not happening.
The exceptions: If the guest backs out or no-shows or misbehaves then the guest should be responsible for her added costs.
Even though the guest is the only person who can make use of what remains of her airfare, she may have difficulty arranging a trip of her own if the original trip fails so the host should absorb that cost unless an exception above applies.

The rules??? For you these are the rules. For others? Not always the case.

OP- Whenever we have asked kids to join our family on vacation we have paid the freight. TO be fair, we never went where airfare was involved.

I will say that no matter how well intentioned your invitation was, it is not a surprise that the parents have not responded yet. You asked them to allocate a large sum that did not include spending money, and I do not know many families who would not need time to discuss this.

I will also say that it is better they are thinking about it rather than agreeing and then dropping it in your lap.
I am going through something similar yet pretty different now. Last year we went on a pretty expensive trip, and offered to bring the two little girls on my street with us. We would pay all of their expenses. Now Mom wanted to kick in her share for her trip, and we agreed to that. By the end of the Summer, she had not saved one penny, so what she said she would pay was reduced to "how about paying for the family hoppers once we get to WDW. DH paid for two rooms at the Grand, club level, DDP on one room and DxDDP on the other so we would all have plenty of credits to take the kids to every Castle, character meal, as well as experiences for all the adults. He also bought all the girls spa treatments at Senses, paid airfare. My DD and I bought clothes for the kids. Mom managed to sav $300 fr spending.

Okay, everyone gets the ride with us one time, and we knew she meant well but did not really. Understand what Disney was.

FF to this year. Mom discusses a WDW with the kids, and asks us to go. I book a BB at POR so we have at least one room only discount. At Christmas we all discuss it, and Mom really wants CL again, but we need to change resorts. Okay, we will move to BC, Mom can enjoy Epcot while my DDIL and I take the kids to the parks, but Mom...CL is wicked expensive. Not this trip. Mom tells the kids! YAY! They are ecstatic, and have been working on goals Mom put into place as a condition to the vacation. Keep in mind DH and I always pay for the kids. All the kids expenses. HEre we are..... It is the end of April. Mom says she cannot afford Her share of the trip. How much can you afford? None of it. She dumps it in Dad's lap. Let Nana take the kids, they know about the trip. I cannot. So.... I am not committed to two rooms at the BC< my DS and DDIL are locked in, as am I with my DDIL....who is on her "free ride" with us. It is all riding on hoping Mom was able to guilt Dad into allowing his to girls to travel 1500 miles from home without a parent. It's a mess.

I am so upset. This is not about money any more. I have two little girls who I love as much as my own grand daughter (who along with my DD is planning to join us for a long weekend on this now trip from hell) who will not understand why they are not going with me if Dad says no. DH is fuming, and I know that even offering to pay Mom's way again is not the answer, she just does not want to go. And it was HER idea.

All of this long story is just to warn people that you never know who things wil turn out when money is involved, and when people want to back out of a commitment. It happens all the time.

 

[McKelly]

When we have invited our kid's friends along, we always paid for everything for the friends. When my kids are invited along with another family, I always send enough money along to pay for the meals and their souvenirs. More often than not, a big chunk of money is returned to me. I just can't imagine asking a friend to come along and asking for $900.00. I would find a cheaper destination so I could pay in full for the friend.

 

[ellie05]

It really isn't any different than a destination wedding. People do it all of the time and unless they are loaded, the bride and groom do not pay for the guest's hotel, airfare, etc.

Not really you get a birthday every year. Most people get a wedding one maybe twice and no one is obligated to go to the second one. IMO a wedding in the long run is a much more important event than a birthday.

 

[Nancyg56]

Not really you get a birthday every year. Most people get a wedding one maybe twice and no one is obligated to go to the second one. IMO a wedding in the long run is a much more important event than a birthday.

It is not just the number of birthdays that make destination weddings so different from a teen's birthday celebration. WHen a couple decide to pan a destination wedding, they do so knowing that they have excluded those who cannot allocate the time, the expense or any number of circumstances, to join them for their wedding day. THis is a conscientious decision on their part.

When you invite a friend to join you on a birthday trip for a teen, you are asking a family to absorb a portion of your "party" sometimes at the expense of the rest of their family. I do not think it is wrong, but I do think it is different, and I do think that the request places a good deal of pressure on the friends parents.

 

[Wood Nymph]

Does the girl that you invited have any siblings? I can picture the problems that could develop if the family paid $900 for one child to go to Disney.

I would not have invited a friend without paying for everything except their souvenir money.

 

[AtlantaDisneyDreamer]

I am shocked at the number of people who expect someone else to pay hundreds of dollars for another person's child. I couldn't imagine expecting a friend to dish out $1100 so my child could enjoy a trip to Disney. When my daughter is invited to dinner with others I send her with $20. Her friend's parents usually pay for the dinner, but I certainly don't expect them to. And we return the favor at another time.

OP, I think you were perfectly justified in asking the other girl if she would like to join you and in offering to pay $200 of her trip. That was generous. Anyone who would be offended at such an offer would not really be a particularly good friend, IMO.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am shocked at the number of people who expect someone else to pay hundreds of dollars for another person's child. I couldn't imagine expecting a friend to dish out $1100 so my child could enjoy a trip to Disney. When my daughter is invited to dinner with others I send her with $20. Her friend's parents usually pay for the dinner, but I certainly don't expect them to. And we return the favor at another time.

OP, I think you were perfectly justified in asking the other girl if she would like to join you and in offering to pay $200 of her trip. That was generous. Anyone who would be offended at such an offer would not really be a particularly good friend, IMO.

Again, I do not think it is wrong to ask a friend to pay for a trip, but you really do not see the difference between a $20 dinner and hundreds of dollars so your kid can have a friend on vacation? In general, when someone asks for a friend o join their child that inclusion is for their child's enjoyment.

 

[mjkacmom]

Again, I do not think it is wrong to ask a friend to pay for a trip, but you really do not see the difference between a $20 dinner and hundreds of dollars so your kid can have a friend on vacation? In general, when someone asks for a friend o join their child that inclusion is for their child's enjoyment.

The OP booked special events to enhance her daughters trip, got the ddp to enhance her daughters trip, wants the friend to come to enhance her daughters trip - and wants someone else to pay $900 for that. This is not s budget friendly trip - most people would not spend $1100 pp for a 4 day weekend.

 

[Nancyg56]

The OP booked special events to enhance her daughters trip, got the ddp to enhance her daughters trip, wants the friend to come to enhance her daughters trip - and wants someone else to pay $900 for that. This is not s budget friendly trip - most people would not spend $1100 pp for a 4 day weekend.

I agree. When I traveled with my friend (as an adult) I knew her discretionary spending was not going to be the same as mine. The trip was a gift from my DH and as such, he included a lot of extras for me. Anything extra we paid for. I would never plan activities or meals that she could not afford and I would not have placed that responsibility on her to try.

As an adult these are difficult conversations, so trying to make these vacations work when you need contributions from your children's friends are even more stressful/

I can tell you that after this experience with my find, I won't Eve even contemplate traveling with another family, no matter how good my intentions are, or how the plannig started. I have reached the point where I feel as if I am asking her to do me a favor by coming with us so I can take her kids, and the whole thing started with her! When you think abaout how kids feel and how they compared=head family finances, I think including friends without at least being prepared to pay the whole thing can get awkward fast.

 

[busymommy2pink]

I am in the camp of not understanding why people would be butt hurt about asking for a contribution if their child can in fact go. It's a vacation that's very planned and chaperoned, and just like a field trip from school, I expect to pay for such an experience for my child.

Op I think it was a generous thought to include her friend by invitation. If I recieved one, I would have to take a couple of days to discuss budgetary things with my husband and make sure that my daughter didn't have projects or sports finals that weekend. I would have sent a note saying there's no pressure, I can afford to contribute x$ towards it and there's no hard feelings or explanation needed if she can't come, it was just a thought bubble.

If I can, I also pay what I can afford towards bringing someone. One trip we bright my teenage "sister" with us and we paid for everything minus her spending money. Her mom is a single mom and would never have been able to afford any money toward the trip. It was a struggle to buy her a passport (so we paid for that too). We are not well off, but saved appropriately knowing we wanted to do that for her.

This coming trip we have invited my little nephew. We've traveled there with him and his mom and myself and one of my daughters before. His situation is very different. His mom and her fiancée are planning a wedding and can't take a family vaca next year and hinted at how he would like to come. I offered to take him sign at their expense (since I can't cover it). I asked them to pay for his flight, tickets and dining plan. I said I would absorb the out of pocket meals (spirt of aloha and many other sit down meals) and any other expense that came up from the non Disney portion of our trip (we were gifted two free nights at the GF due to mishaps last
Trip). As well as airport food and I would give him the same spending money my girls get. I think this was fair, as his total cost is only about $550 plus flight for our 11 day deluxe resort deluxe dining well planned trip.

My daughter wants her sweet 16 in Hawaii with her best friend. And she asked for my youngest to bring a friend so she isn't a third wheel. We will have saved 7 years for that trip and plan to bring the friends free of cost. Now, whether that's Hawaii or an all Inclusive in Bahamas still remains to be seen Hawaii may be way out of our budget.

Op I don't think there are rules or regulations and I think every situation is different. You did nothing wrong I would have been grateful that they inviting parent offered to pay any part of MY child's expense. I don't think anyone but myself should be held responsible one for her costs.

 

[AtlantaDisneyDreamer]

Again, I do not think it is wrong to ask a friend to pay for a trip, but you really do not see the difference between a $20 dinner and hundreds of dollars so your kid can have a friend on vacation? In general, when someone asks for a friend o join their child that inclusion is for their child's enjoyment.

I see a huge difference. I would accept a friend's offer to pay $20 for my child to have dinner. I can't imagine accepting a friend's offer to pay $1100 for my child.

In general, when someone asks for a friend o join their child that inclusion is for their child's enjoyment.

That seems to be treating the invited friend as a paid escort. That seems a bit awkward. Presumably the invited friend would have a great time, too- and would enjoy the trip and the company.

I can see the invited friend's parents politely declining because it is a big expense for a short trip. I cannot understand their taking offense.

 

[princessjadesmom]

I heard back from the mom of the girl. Unfortunately the girl cannot come because it is expensive (which I completely understand and told her mom I would understand when I asked).