Are you or have you ever been the "other woman"?

[Lisa F]

Gosh, then I AM a "fallen woman"! In college I dated lots of guys with girlfriends "back home". Didn't we all ?

I didn't. Not because I am morally superior or anything but if he is lying to his girlfriend "back home" wouldn't it be stupid to assume that he's not lying to you as well? I have no desire to date someone who I know to be a liar. I value myself more than that.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I've actually come to think that it's not such a crime to fall out of love with someone and that divorce isn't the end of the world. But I would hope that my husband would just tell me if he was seeing someone else and get it over with!

Yes, I totally agree with you.

I think it was Snoopy that made me see the error of my ways. I have a lot of respect for her, and if she thinks that it is a bad thing, than it must be.

However, sometimes I find myself daydreaming what it would be like to be with someone who seems to want me so badly, who has pursued me for about 5 moths now, without getting anything out of it in return. When, and if he separates would he suddenly become an acceptable interest?

 

[poohandwendy]

without trust you have no relationship- so how can you NOT divorce after one cheats???

Going by that way of looking at it, then one would divorce after the very first lie told (which would be very early in many marriages). I guess it all boils down to the circumstances and the willingness of both spouses to try to regain trust and intimacy in the marriage. I certainly don't think it can be done in every situation, but I think sometimes it can be worked out.

 

[NMAmy]

Have never been and never would be, ever.. I know what it feels like to be that wife who's husband has an affair and it's one of the worst feelings in the world and led to the end of my marriage. It's also a real confidence killer, makes you question many things about yourself, you think you are inadequate and not good enough to be loved (at least I did) even though it wasn't my fault. It really affected me for many years and still (although of a much smaller scale) does.

I know just how you feel--I felt the same way. Thank heavens it gets better. So--no, I've never been the other woman and I never would be. I realize it's not all the other woman's fault--obviously the married man has the most responsibility but if a woman knows a man and still is romantically involved with him, then she's at fault as well. I've seen the devestation caused on the other side first hand. Although in retrospect, she did me a huge favor and she's the one paying the price now!

 

[chadfromdallas]

Back away from the keyboard, Chad. No good can come of continuing that thought

Its so true though

 

[poohandwendy]

However, sometimes I find myself daydreaming what it would be like to be with someone who seems to want me so badly, who has pursued me for about 5 moths now, without getting anything out of it in return. When, and if he separates would he suddenly become an acceptable interest?

I can understand that. Only you can answer that question. I guess for me it would depend on how emotionally stable he was. And if his interest in me went beyond lust and the forbidden fruit, it would be easier to know that when his life was less complicated, IMO). Like I said, only you could be the judge of that...

 

[helenabear]

without trust you have no relationship- so how can you NOT divorce after one cheats???

Because cheating isn't the only way my husband could/can break my trust. It can be rebuilt after it is lost though. He has lied to me in the past, and yep, that in itself is enough to nearly tear me apart, but I didn't just walk away.

We are all human, we make mistakes. It's what you do after that matters most. My vow to him is stronger than mistakes... and I'd try to work through all issues because of that.

 

[snoopy]

Yes, I totally agree with you.

I think it was Snoopy that made me see the error of my ways. I have a lot of respect for her, and if she thinks that it is a bad thing, than it must be.

However, sometimes I find myself daydreaming what it would be like to be with someone who seems to want me so badly, who has pursued me for about 5 moths now, without getting anything out of it in return. When, and if he separates would he suddenly become an acceptable interest?

Wow....thank you for the compliment, minnie. I'm glad if I had an impact on you making a potentially bad decision.

I know a number of people, men and women, who've been involved in these kinds of situations, and it always involves deception (including self-deception) and it always ends badly. Even those women who say "I'm only in it for the sex," seem to be hit pretty hard emotionally when it ends.

I also think it's just generally not good to cultivate the feeling that we have no responsibility towards other human beings, even those we haven't met. The other women I've known have all taken the attitude that they would not tolerate a husband of theirs cheating on them -- that it would be terrible and hurtful -- but they have no problem contributing to that hurt for someone else. The "I don't know her, I don't owe her anything" defense. If everyone applied that kind of thinking throughout their lives, the blood banks would be empty. I think women need to stand up and be counted for and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Walk a mile in her shoes before you make the decision to get entwined in her life.

Thats my theory, anyway, and I'm sticking to it.

 

[disney4us2002]

without trust you have no relationship- so how can you NOT divorce after one cheats???..........


Brandy

This is what I think as well. Those that said they would fight for their marriage, imho, is because they have a good marriage so it seems unlikely their spouses are the ones that would cheat. I don't believe that someone in a 'good' marriage would cheat. Once that trust has been broken I'd be forever worried about the next time it happened. I really do believe the old, "once a cheater, always a cheater". I don't mean immature college guys but adult, married men.

 

[Mermaid02]

Never have been, never would be. Why would anyone want someone who was cheating on their spouse? If they did it once, they'll do it again. The grass is always greener...... Watch out what you wish for, you just might get it..... Once a cheater always a cheater..... etc.

 

[Lisa F]

Yes, I totally agree with you.

I think it was Snoopy that made me see the error of my ways. I have a lot of respect for her, and if she thinks that it is a bad thing, than it must be.

However, sometimes I find myself daydreaming what it would be like to be with someone who seems to want me so badly, who has pursued me for about 5 moths now, without getting anything out of it in return. When, and if he separates would he suddenly become an acceptable interest?

Snoopy gave you some good advice there. Honestly I would put money on it that if he ever actually ended up with you it would just be a matter of time before he was telling some other woman that she is a safe haven from YOU. Actions speak louder than words. If this man really wanted you that badly he would have been a man and done what he needed to do (be honest with his wife, get a divorce) in order to be a partner to you. Since he hasn't, I think you need to assume that talk is cheap and you can do better.

 

[MsLeFever]

I'd like to believe that unless the situation were abusive, I'd go to the ends of the earth to save my marriage. Don't get me wrong, something like an affair would shake me to my very core, but I don't think its automatic grounds for divorce.

Snoopy we seem to have many opinions in common and this is just another one. My marriage went through some really crappy stuff but hard work and belief and just plain stubborness brought us back to a good place.

 

[auntpolly]

I didn't. Not because I am morally superior or anything but if he is lying to his girlfriend "back home" wouldn't it be stupid to assume that he's not lying to you as well?

Oh, yeah - we were a huge group of liars then. Not proud of it, but that's the way it was. We were young and stupid; what can I say?

 

[Happy Homeschooler]

I'd like to believe that unless the situation were abusive, I'd go to the ends of the earth to save my marriage. Don't get me wrong, something like an affair would shake me to my very core, but I don't think its automatic grounds for divorce.

I agree, snoopy. Especially if there are children involved.

 

[poohandwendy]

Thats my theory, anyway, and I'm sticking to it.

Wise words as always snoopy, ITA.

 

[HauteCuisine]

I didn't. Not because I am morally superior or anything but if he is lying to his girlfriend "back home" wouldn't it be stupid to assume that he's not lying to you as well? I have no desire to date someone who I know to be a liar. I value myself more than that.

I was being rather 'tongue in cheekish"
I'm talking about going on a date, not having a sexual relationaship.Many college freshman who go away to college had a boyfriend or girlfriend back home, then meet someone, go on a few dates and decide to break off the "high School romance". If that makes me "the other woman', so be it.

 

[SPAM]

i have never been in that situatuin and i dont think someone can know until they are. i would like to think that i would never do that to another woman.

 

[snoopy]

I was being rather 'tongue in cheekish"
I'm talking about going on a date, not having a sexual relationaship.Many college freshman who go away to college had a boyfriend or girlfriend back home, then meet someone, go on a few dates and decide to break off the "high School romance". If that makes me "the other woman', so be it.

I don't consider you the "other woman". You were merely trying each other out before you bought the whole package.....its called "dating", and something most of us did.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Wow....thank you for the compliment, minnie. I'm glad if I had an impact on you making a potentially bad decision.

I know a number of people, men and women, who've been involved in these kinds of situations, and it always involves deception (including self-deception) and it always ends badly. Even those women who say "I'm only in it for the sex," seem to be hit pretty hard emotionally when it ends.

I also think it's just generally not good to cultivate the feeling that we have no responsibility towards other human beings, even those we haven't met. The other women I've known have all taken the attitude that they would not tolerate a husband of theirs cheating on them -- that it would be terrible and hurtful -- but they have no problem contributing to that hurt for someone else. The "I don't know her, I don't owe her anything" defense. If everyone applied that kind of thinking throughout their lives, the blood banks would be empty. I think women need to stand up and be counted for and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Walk a mile in her shoes before you make the decision to get entwined in her life.

Thats my theory, anyway, and I'm sticking to it.

See, this is the part where it gets all mixed up for me. I've been in relationships before where I couldn't wait to get rid of the person, and I was glad that they had left.

What is "love" anyway? Does anyone really know? I read tons of poetry, philosophy, you name it. I have never really seen a tangible answer to this question that I could really understand. Is love more sacred among friends? You know, the ones you have for life. It's weird, a million different scenarios exist. I know I will never be an expert on that subject, LOL!

 

[pfishgirl]

Yes, I admit I WAS the Other Woman...
ok so here is the whole story: it's not juicy, just the truth:

I started working for a company where the owner's nephew also worked.
I had just got divorced. My ex is an alcoholic and I had enough so I divorced him. We were already seperated almost 2 years prior to our divorce.

About a year or later the nephew was really in a slump of a mood so I finally asked him what was wrong. Could I help he if talked to me. He told me that him and his wife and having alot of problems. She refuses to go to counselling and she refuses to listen when he tells her he is not "in love" with her anymore and unless things change soon, they would have to do something.

We had LONG LONG talks and he told me this isn't the 1st time he has tried to talk to her. She basicly blows him off every time he tries to talk to her. She is a Nurse, she would work all day, come home, eat something, take a shower and go to sleep. She never waited for him with meals and she never wanted to go out at all. He is not a party guy but he does like to go out to dinner, go to the movies, take walks by the river, bike rides at night, etc..

Ok so him and I started to talk alot more and we even hung out and did things together, first as groups, then alone. Nothing physical had happened at all except for a hug here and there. I even went to the movies once with him and his wife and a group of co workers. I noticed how she didn't hold his hand, didn't kiss, didn't show any affection at all. She even got mad because him and his friend were talking over her at the movies before it started so they switched seats so he could talk to his friend..

I was the "friend" who TOTALLY 100% told him, try again, make her go to counseling, talk to her, sink it in her head. I even asked him if he wanted me to talk to her. I was being a Friend, I made so many different suggestions. He finally told me it was too late, he was done trying. I didn't know then that he meant it was too late because he was having feelings about me.

Well we talked more and hung out more and things started to happen between us. He left his wife for a few weeks and I said to him, I need you to go back to her and make sure 100% no doubt that he was done with her. He did, he said she wanted to make love to him so he did. (this was the first time she ever made the first move) he said he knew it was 100% over because all he could think of was me, he even left her in the bed to shower and take a walk. He called me while on his walk and told me all of this...

They decided they were getting divorced, she moved out of the house and the same day he came over to my house...well, he never left.. He basicly moved in with me that day.. They got divorced and a year later we got married and have been married ever since...

Ok, so do I think he will ever cheat on me...No, actually I don't, because we talk about everything all the time. He loves the way I wait for him to come home to serve dinner. He is VERY affectionate sometimes too much in public with me. We always hold hands or are touching each other, like in the car if he isn't holding my hand, his hand is on my leg, or he rubs my hair and I do the same with him. Everything seems to "click" with us. I feel like I have known him all my life. We have now been together for almost 6 years, married for almost 4..

soooooooo there it is, that's my story...