Are you or have you ever been the "other woman"?

[Diva of Dragons]

minniepumpernickel: The red flag warning for me, with this guy, is that he's playing the "victim"!! We teach people how to treat us, so if what he says about his wife being a castrator etc.... is true, it's because he has allowed it. He needs to grow a back bone and either work it out or leave. He's looking to you to make him feel better about himself. No one needs a partner with no self-esteem!!! You can do way better than that!!! JMHO!!

 

[pfishgirl]

pfishgirl,

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm glad that things worked out for you. The only thing I am wondering is what role your DH thinks he played in the destruction of their marriage? I ask because you only mention his ex wifes shortcomings and not his. That is what would make me leery if I found myself attracted to a man who was married. (btw, you obviously are not onbligated to mention his bad traits or anything, but did you talk about where he went wrong as well?)

Well, according to the Family it was always her and Not him.

After they got married they tried having a baby and after a few years of trying they couldn't get pregnant. He has been tested and the DRs told him he was fine. She had a few minor problems but the Drs told her as well that they should be able to conceive. I am assuming that this was hard on both of them and that could be where problems started. She then gained alot of weight and stopped being affectionate. He told her over and over he loved her and didn't care if she gained weight. The family told me that she would never offer to help do anything. Like the one night we went to dinner at his parent's house and I offered to help, I got up after dinner and started clearing the table and stuff and "mom" was so impressed. I had always wondered why she kinda just starred at me..haha.. She told me later, not that day, that I impressed her, because his ex never did that, she always was the one waited on and never helped..

edited to add:
I have had long talks with my mil and she told me that sometimes he would go over to his parents house and mom and him would have talks about his ex and he would tell "mom" that he is done trying and done being ignored..
Yes, he did officially "cheat" on her with me from the end of July-end of Sept. They were seperated for a few weeks in mid Sept. where he lived with his sister. That is when I told him you have to go back and try once more before he totally gives up.. She moved out on Oct 1st and he moved in with me Oct 1st the same day.

 

[helenabear]

Humans aren't made to be monogamous. Everyone is a cheater if put into the right situation. Its in our DNA

You are partially right... I think woman are more inclined to be monogamous than men are. DON'T turn this into anything other than what I am saying. I have read through studies on human behavior and the like, to think other wise. I don't think men are bad... they are just able to move around more to procreate... women are kind of stuck with pregnancy and all that. But that is neither here nor there... I don't think that we are DNA make up to be monogamous as we tend to be... but obviously something draws us to it... so DNA isn't everything.

That said, sure we may have some small issues with it, but we usually have a head on our shoulders that we use before we do something stupid.

Granted I was never married when I cheated, but I have cheated on SOs in the past. Do I feel bad for it? You bet! I also learned though that we don't HAVE to be that way. If one is considerate of another's feelings, it makes it a heck of a lot harder to cheat. And it goes from there...

I think emotionally we like to have one person be ours... honestly we seem to be a bit posessive by nature and that helps counter that DNA you spoke of.

Not quite black and white enough to make one statement like that about monogamy IMO.

 

[poohandwendy]

I guess I would say we are monogamous by need (the need to form a family that is intact, emotionally/physically healthy and prosperous), but cheat because of our selfishness nature.

I would agree that all of us have it in us to cheat given the 'wrong' conditions or weak frame of mind, some are more likely than others. I don't think most people go out looking for an affair. I think it happens because of where we are, personally, in our lives. I think it usually has very little to do with anything but our own personal issues, not necessarily the people around us. Its easy to blame our circumstances, much less easy to place blame on our own lack of self-control.

We do things because we want to or because it is easier, not because we are forced. But we often find a way to justify our actions by placing blame on those around us.

Human beings aren't perfect, we are emotional creatures. It isn't surprising that we hurt each other with our deeds. The amazing thing is when we are able to forgive and to earn back love, to move on and rebuild emotional ties. That is what separates us from the animals, IMHO.

JMHO

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Yes. I have. I admit it. I was 19 at the time. He was engaged to the girl he had dumped me for 6 months earlier. She was a total nutcase and he wanted to get away from her. She had never been anything but mean and nasty to me so honestly, I really did not care.

They married and later divorced. Haven't seen either of them in about 6 years.

 

[Lisa F]

Well, according to the Family it was always her and Not him.

Well of COURSE according to his family he would be the one who is blameless and the ex wife is completely the one to blame. It would be the very rare family who would take the side of their child's ex regardless of the circumstances.

 

[chadfromdallas]

So Chad are you being serious?

Absolutely.

From what I've read, most scientist are surprised that we are as "faithful" as we are.

 

[auntpolly]

Yes. I have. I admit it. I was 19 at the time. He was engaged to the girl he had dumped me for 6 months earlier. She was a total nutcase and he wanted to get away from her. She had never been anything but mean and nasty to me so honestly, I really did not care.

They married and later divorced. Haven't seen either of them in about 6 years.

I know some will disagree, but this is not a case of being the other women - this is just young people figuring out what's what before they are married!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I think the reason it worked for her is because the man in question was honest with his wife about how he felt, he tried everything to make it work again (wanted to go to counseling etc) and when it became apparent that it wouldn't, he broke it off with his wife. It's sad that the first marriage didn't work out but I don't see any "lines" being fed to phishgirl about how he loved her but he couldn't break it off with his wife etc. Although I am a little fuzzy on the timing, it doesn't sound like this guy was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Maybe the timing could have been better, but it doesn't sound like this guy is just looking for something more interesting than whatever he happens to have at the moment. Of course his ex wife might tell a different story, I don't know.

I also agree with poohandwendy, I did notice how the breakup was all the ex wife's fault. I think that is just a case of hearing his side of the story, but it doesn't sound like she was interested in doing much to save her marriage either. If she was and was willing to work things out, IMO, it is a little scuzzy to insert yourself into a relationship when things are still being worked out. It just doesn't seem like that happened here, which makes a difference IMO.

Well, I'm sure that many of the personal stories have way more info than the snippets we get on here, including mine. Don't anyone worry about me, if that is the case. I have grown up with all of the advantages in life, I don't need a sugar daddy, I'm used to making good decisions, etc.. I never go out of my way to hurt other people, I'm a Red Cross volunteer, I give to charity. So, you all will just have to trust me.

I believe in kharmic justice, I read Buddhism everyday.....I know that I am a good person, and no one will ever change that.

So....lets hear more confessions....

 

[helenabear]

Absolutely.

From what I've read, most scientist are surprised that we are as "faithful" as we are.

Probably because the scientists need to talk to the psychologists and those others who study human nature.

Can ya guess what I did a lot of study on in college?

 

[Lisa F]

Absolutely.

From what I've read, most scientist are surprised that we are as "faithful" as we are.

What about the animals that do mate for life? Swans are one. Are they destined to cheat because they are animals (and more so than human beings are)?

 

[CinderellaIam]

PFISHGIRL....you and I have a lot in common. My now SO and I started out in a very similar situation. I was divorced and a single mom (my husband had cheated on me more times than could be counted, and we were only married two years), he was in a bad marriage by all accounts, these two should have never been married. His office was next to mine, we started out chatting, we became friends, then better friends. When things finally came apart at home, he was a mess, couldn't make it through a day without breaking down, couldn't stand the fact that his marriage failed. I was his friend, I let him cry on my shoulder, literaly, more than once. The company Christmas party was about 8 months after they separated and the divorce was "in the works". I was dancing with some friends, male and female, including him, when a slow song came on, we started dancing, and were chatting about this person and that person, when he all of a sudden looked at me, weirdly I thought, and said "I can't believe I never noticed before, but you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen". I laughed, told him he was cut off, no more alcohol for you buster. That was the day our relationship changed. Slowly, week by week we became closer, and it was about a month later before we kissed for the first time. We have now been together for 16 years. We are not married, we live together. We are both emotionally scared people who feel that what we have works and we don't need a piece of paper to say that we are commited to each other.

To this day, he is my best friend, and every time I think I can't possibly love him more, he does some little thoughtful or special thing that does make me love him more. He tells everyone, and I mean everyone, store clerks, waiters, his siblings, his son, my daughter, our parents, that I am his best friend and solemate.

Do I think I was the other woman? No. His marriage was in trouble from the day I met him, and we didn't get involved until well after it was over. But if you ask his ex, I am a homewrecker. The fact that she married 2 weeks after the divorce was final...still has me wondering. I should also mention that her second marriage ended in divorce, as well as her third....

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Absolutely.

From what I've read, most scientist are surprised that we are as "faithful" as we are.

I've read some of that stuff too. How many other species are monogamous? I know some type of bird mates for life, but I can't remember what else does?

 

[Muffin]

I first opened this thread when it was only a few posts long, started typing a response and hit the back button. I came back two more times and hit the back button both times.

Well here I am again and, what the hell, here goes.

I was curious if anyone would admit to having been the "other woman".

Yes, I was.

can you tell how it all came to be?

We worked together. We were both unhappy in our marriages and commiserated with each other. One thing led to another and we started thinking with body parts other than our heads.

What do you think of the guy's wife and what went wrong with their marriage.

She was having her own affair and got pregnant by the other man

Do you or did you think he'd leave his wife?

At first it didn't matter. But it didn't take long before we were both discussing leaving.

Did he leave her and did you marry him.

We both left our spouses and have been married since 1998.

 

[Crankyshank]

Yes I was. Neither one of us were married, though. I was foolish and in love and thought he had more of a spine than he actually had. As a result my heart was broken, he married her and they divorced a year later.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I first opened this thread when it was only a few posts long, started typing a response and hit the back button. I came back two more times and hit the back button both times.

Well here I am again and, what the hell, here goes.

Yes, I was.

We worked together. We were both unhappy in our marriages and commiserated with each other. One thing led to another and we started thinking with body parts other than our heads.

She was having her own affair and got pregnant by the other man

At first it didn't matter. But it didn't take long before we were both discussing leaving.

We both left our spouses and have been married since 1998.

Are you guys happy togethor? Do you fight at all? Do either of you feel resentful because of the past?

I don't want to monopolize this thread, but I am just curious.

 

[poohandwendy]

From what I've read, most scientist are surprised that we are as "faithful" as we are.

Why would scientists be surprised? One thing that separates us from animals is our ability to reason on an emotional level.

Our children are dependent much longer, promiscuity spreads diseases, pairing up is safer than being alone, we depend on each other to exist, we are territorial and jealous by nature. Most people understand that cheating causes emotional pain and negative repercussions. It really isn't rocket science, IMHO.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I know some will disagree, but this is not a case of being the other women - this is just young people figuring out what's what before they are married!

You'd be amazed. I had a few friends at the time stop talking to me just because the woman he was with had an engagement ring on her finger...

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Why would scientists be surprised? One thing that separates us from animals is our ability to reason on an emotional level.

Our children are dependent much longer, promiscuity spreads diseases, pairing up is safer than being alone, we depend on each other to exist, we are territorial and jealous by nature. Most people understand that cheating causes emotional pain and negative repercussions. It really isn't rocket science, IMHO.

If it is so clear cut then why are so many people divorced, two and sometimes three times?

 

[pfishgirl]

Well of COURSE according to his family he would be the one who is blameless and the ex wife is completely the one to blame. It would be the very rare family who would take the side of their child's ex regardless of the circumstances.

See...now I knew Someone was going to say that...
That is NOT true at all. in my case at least..

My ex hubby's family blamed their son for our break up because of his nasty, ugliness when he drank..They were behind me and never once stuck up for their son...

Also... If you knew my Mother In Law, you would know that she speaks the truth... She will tell you to your face she doesn't like you..

Grandparents, Sister and Parents as well as friends and coworkers before they knew we were together had all been commenting on how happy he was, that a weight seems to be off his shoulders..Then they found out later that I was part of that...


Hi Elaine

Thanks Cind.. I am glad things are working for you too !!!!