Are Funeral Dinners Popular Where You Live? **FINAL UPDATE Post 158**

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Not a formal dinner. But relatives and friends usually bring food over knowing the immediate family of the deceased aren't going to want to cook.

 

[Skippy918]

NYC Italian catholic funeral: Early afternoon wake, dinner, evening wake. Dinner was attended by immediate family and some close relatives. Repeat if it's a 2 day wake. The next day is the funeral mass, burial, back to the hometown and late lunch/early dinner with the people who came out to the burial. While I was sad when my grandparents passed, we ate pretty well. Immediate family rides in the limo and everyone else follows in their cars. Bigger processions have police escorts.

I've been to additional funeral services and some food platters (sandwiches, cheese & crackers, fruit and cookies) were provided afterwards. In both of these cases, there was no cemetery burial. The receptions were in the church.

 

[melanielll]

People where I grew up brought food to the family's home, but everyone went out drinking together after the funeral. No one ate with the family except for the family and maybe a few people.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm not sure about where we live now, but our church in Tampa hosted the family & all other mourners at the church, after the funeral & graveside service. It seems really odd to me that the family paying for the funeral would also be expected to host a post funeral meal.

Where I grew up, in North Carolina, everything was different from there. In NC, from the time a loved one passes away, the community starts bringing in food to the deceased person's home. They try to make sure the whole extended family doesn't have to worry about feeding themselves throughout the process. Most people have enough food to freeze to last a month. After the funeral & graveside service (if there is one), the deceased's church provides a meal for the family & other mourners or the family goes back to the home of the deceased to be with the one that lost their spouse or child. They eat the food that's been provided by the community. Anyone who stops by is offered food, but most don't eat. This is what happened, when my parents & sister passed away. When FIL passed away a few years ago, it was mostly my immediate family (I have a big family) that brought food, because MIL told everyone my sisters were taking care of us. They did, after they realized very few people had brought food. Only the friends & neighbors that didn't even bother to ask MIL what she needed brought something. I'm sure others would have, if MIL didn't worry that people may feel obligated to bring something. She has always had to fend for herself, so it was easier for her to depend on me & my family than ask for help. Whatever helped her get through it, was fine with us. FIL was cremated, so we had a receiving line, then immediately had the funeral. That was what MIL wanted. DH, DS & I are from a different state than the rest of our families & had already been there several days. We had to leave immediately after the funeral, so my sister's families took us & MIL out to eat on our way out of town. For anyone wondering, DH is an only child.

Anyway, all of that to say, I think you should do what you are comfortable with. After going through funerals for my parents & sister, I think receiving lines are cruel. The last thing I want to do is play hostess on one of the very worst days of my life. DH & DS know it wouldn't bother me in the least to think they decided to skip it altogether, if I go first. I also wouldn't want them to feel they had to play host at a meal. Do what you think you can handle. IMO, this is one of the few times where it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

 

[Annadesu]

When my brother passed away, people came over our house after every viewing, basically. Came over, ate food, went home. Repeat. It was never anything formal, just sandwich stuff...

 

[Disney Doll]

In my area, we dona wake (viewing) the evening before (usually 3-7pm or 4-8pm). Funeral is the next morning. After the graveside ceremony, there is usually a luncheon of some sort. Often people go to a restaurant or banquet hall. Occasionally it will be at someone's house.

I've never heard of a funeral service being in the afternoon here, so I've never had the experience of having a post funeral dinner.

When my mother died her wake was 4-8pm. Funeral Mass was the next day at 10am, cemetery immediately following them lunch at a local restaurant that had a private space.

 

[low-key]

yes we look forward to the death of distant relatives so we could get some good eats

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

I'm Catholic and don't know if that could make a difference in any way (sorry not supposed to talk about religion but...)

Generally our funerals take place mid/late morning and then it is the norm to have a lunch in which either family or everyone is invited.
Its usually at the church or a hall like the local American Legion or Navy Marine Club.
Its a great time to eat comfort foods and remember the good times we had with the deceased.
Everyone is in a much less sad mood than at the funeral home/funeral and it just seems fitting to celebrate the person's life.
And the place where the lunch is held understands the reason you're there and tries their best to make it stress free.
I personally would not have something at my house due to clean up and feeling like my space is being invaded during such a sad time.

 

[mnrose]

Here in Minnesota, it's a norm to have a "little lunch" after a funeral. Usually in the church hall. At most Lutheran churches, there is a minimal charge for this to the deceased's family (my mother in law, for example, paid $1.50 per person for sandwiches, chips, beverage, cake). Typical meal for a Lutheran funeral. At my Dad's funeral (which was held at a funeral home and not a church), we served sandwiches, a light salad, and cake. Oh and bacon covered long johns (donut) because it was his absolute favorite. Made a lot of people chuckle, which was the intent! It cost us less than $200 and was catered from a local supermarket deli.

 

[DebbieB]

In my area (Western PA), it's typically a lunch. After my Dad's funeral, my brother had people over to his house. After my Mom's, it was at a local restaurant but it was a weekday and few people came. It was a buffet and I ended up getting hit with a minimum charge. My cousin died recently and my aunt had people over, probably about 20 people. Whatever you find comfortable.

 

[ols386]

Op, I think that sounds like a good idea. And I like your idea about the photo albums. I do believe that it's good to talk about, and remember, our loved one who passed. It brings them closer to our hearts.

I'll pray that God gives you the strength to get through this difficult time. ❤

 

[capegirl]

In my neck of the woods the family is expected to provide the meal. I always thought that this was a twisted tradition; on the worst possible day a family must host a post funeral event. What a terrible emotional burden, not to mention the added expense on top of funeral costs. Tradition or not, I don't think I would be able to function under such sad circumstances.

 

[ols386]

I'm in Michigan and I've never heard of it. But I've never been to a funeral here either.

I'm in Michigan too, and it's the norm, at least in my area, but it could be a regional thing within the state.

I lived in Indiana for 40 years before moving to Michigan, and it was the norm there too.

 

[Vicki926]

Even though 99% of funerals here are formal wake, funeral Mass, grave service, repast, I'd LOVE to do a memorial instead

It doesn't seem weird, that's how us Irish Americans do it. Cars stop for funeral processions in the US, although you will always get one or two who accidentally join in. My area is heavy on Irish and Italian, the only difference is at funerals and wakes, the Irish are laughing and the Italians are crying. When I was young, most of my friends were of Italian decent, and I was surprised by the hysterics at their wakes.

I have noticed more and more people not stopping for funerals. Especially on highways.
My father in law had a police escort from the church to the cemetery(good thing, too..it was about 10 miles in Bergen County Saturday traffic on Rts4 and 17..), they had a police car in front, and one in back and then 2 motorcycle police who drove back and forth making sure that no one accidentally got in the procession, and then police from the towns we went through, blocked intersections.

They have been popular here for quite some time. As my Mom is in the final stages of her life we are trying to get some plans made. We will be having one day of visitation (from 2-4 p.m. and 4-6 p.m.) then her funeral will be the next afternoon at 2:00. I don't plan on hosting a big dinner afterward though. Mom had one for my Dad when he passed in 2008, at their church. Everyone who attended the funeral was invited for the meal. She had to pay for the meat (the ladies of the church made sides/salads/desserts) and gave a donation to the church for the use of the dining hall. For me, it was very difficult to sit there and eat and then make conversation with people, it was very stressful so I do not want to go that route for my Mom.

At first DH and I thought about taking our adult children/grands (there would be 14-16 of us) to a restaurant but I really don't want to do even that, so what we are now planning to do is have a light meal catered in our home so everyone can just come back here after the funeral. I think the service and graveside service will probably be finished by 4:00 so then we'll come home and have the meal about 5:00 (sandwiches, salads, desserts). I want to have Mom's photo albums set out so we can all look at those if everyone wants to, and reminisce, etc. I think it would be nice, and a lot less stressful.

I read the obits in our local newspaper and see other early afternoon funerals so wouldn't think they would host a meal, and some are even private too. So, if you went to a 2:00 funeral would you expect to be invited to a meal afterward?

I think your plan is perfect.

 

[aprilgail]

this sounds very like a real Irish funeral, very similar to what I have experienced all my life.

In Ireland, it is usually a 2 day "event" an open casket viewing, then prayers as the casket is closed and brought to the church. At the Church, those who didnt go to the viewing usually pay their respects to the family after the prayers. Then the next day, usually in the morning there is a Church Funeral Service and the coffin is brought to the cemetery for burial or cremation. There is usually a procession of funeral attendees to the cemetery. If it is near, less than a mile, usually in rural areas, the family and most of the funeral attendees will walk behind the hearse from the Church to the cemetery. In urban/ city areas, there will be a slow moving procession of cars behind the hearse. Its a mark of respect to the family and deceased that the funeral procession is allowed to pass through traffic.

After the burial, the family arranges food for the funeral attendees. Usually it is the immediate family and close friends / neighbours of the deceased. Depending on the family, they usually arrange food at a local hotel or restaurant. If the deceased was a member of a private sports club or similar type of club, the food is usually arranged for there.

The family usually know an approx number of who will join them for food. It is seen as a mark of respect to join the family, either to mourn the deceased or to support the family. Some people will automatically know they are included and are expected for the food, some people the family will specifically invite to the food.

Most times once the food has been eaten, people start drifting away. Depending on the family, they usually either invite people back to the main family home or stay for the rest of the evening in a bar. It might seem odd to Americans, but to Irish people, its celebrating and honouring the deceased person. As the drink flows, the deceased person comes back to life through songs and music, stories and memories. I will always cherish the stories shared by my dads friends and colleagues the night of his burial.

The cost of the food after the burial is seen as part of the funeral expenses.

That is how the funerals I have had and been to have been- we actually kid about the "after party"- it is never a somber thing, there is food, drinks, laughter remembering the person. It is always out in a restaurant or hall though one person I knew actually did it at their house. Whoever comes to the funeral is welcome to come to the dinner- typically the crowd for the funeral is much less than the crowd for the wake.
Also most I know put checks in the sympathy cards so that helps defray the party cost. I know when I worked if someones spouse, parent or kid died there would be a collection and when they got back they would get a card with a stack of cash in it (usually between 500-1000 depending on the person, person that died etc - if its a child people are always more generous).

 

[cedricandsophie]

I'm from Illinois in Chicago. From the time I was a little girl and I'm over 60 now I can't think of a funeral that didn't have a meal. At a restaurant with an open bar. Everyone that attended the funeral was invited.

 

[Kellydelly]

I am in MI too and have only been to one funeral where there wasn't a luncheon served afterwards. It was my husband's great aunt and there were only like 8 people at the service, and we were six of those people! When my husband's grandmother died we had a luncheon that one of the local churches put on. Grandpa had to pay $150 and it was gross. Just cold cuts and some unappealing side items. Not a good memory of that one. Some church ladies do them better than others, I guess. I have been to mostly those put on at churches, but a few at a restaurant or banquet hall. I have never been to a funeral as late as you are planning, but your idea to have a catered meal at your home afterwards sounds nice.

 

[powellrj]

We had my moms showing before her funeral. We had it later in the afternoon because my niece goes to college 3 hours away and it was during finals, so we planned around her. We went back to my church for a meal afterwards. The church provided the chicken and my friends from my bible study and Sunday school provided the sides. It was nice to have someplace to go and visit with people.

Mom really had a different service. She had dementia and had been sick for awhile. She had been in a coma for a week, so we had gotten our sadness out then. Her funeral was really a celebration of her life. Lots of hugs and positive and funny stories were shared. One thing we all laughed about was my other niece did a cd of moms life and in almost every picture she was eating. It was almost like a history of family meals, the 1930's-2016!

 

[Wendy31]

Down here in my neck of the woods, after a funeral, there is normally a meal, but it's for family - not everyone who may have attended the funeral. And the size of the family & how extended the family varies.

Many times, one of the immediate family member's churches will offer to host the meal, & the ladies of the church will put it together. Sometimes, it's served in the fellowship hall of the church, &, other times, a couple of the ladies will bring the meal to a family member's house where everyone is gathering after the funeral.

In addition to the meal after the funeral, people (mostly from the church or close friends) will get together & put together some snack-y type foods (sandwich trays, chips, cookies, veggie trays, etc) which will be left at the funeral home in one of the back rooms, &, during visitation, family can take turns going back for a snack or a drink.

Prior to the funeral & even the day after the funeral, friends & people from the various family members' churches will provide food for the family - they'll bring casseroles & things like that to the immediate family members' homes.

The immediate family members never have to provide the food (or funds) for the snacks at the visitation or for the meal after the funeral.

When someone elderly passes away (especially after a long illness), the visitations & funerals often end up being like family reunions. And, while there is some bittersweet sadness, a lot of fond memories are shared & there's even some laughter.

I remember my grandfather's visitation & funeral being very lovely actually... he passed away at the end of a long life, &, at the end, he was basically bedridden & not living any kind of life. He was ready to go, & there was a certain peace w/ that, if that makes sense. And his visitation & funeral became a time for his family & friends to come together & remember him & share memories & smiles. The sky was a bright, bright blue the day of his funeral, &, as we crested the hill to the gravesite, my aunt had arranged a bagpiper to play "Amazing Grace," & it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. And I'm so thankful for that memory.

My thoughts & prayers w/ you, OP, as you & your family begin this journey. Even in the sadness, I hope you are able to find some peaceful moments too & are comforted.

 

[AquamarineSteph]

I am very sorry for your loss. Having lost both my parents, I would say do whatever makes the day easier and more meaningful for you.